per diem or carpe diem?

umaga na naman. we've been shooting night scenes for the fourth straight night. day 10 of 30 days, 4 locations done away with. figures, figures. let's forget about the numbers and dig into the pictures..
first shooting location for the first five days. an old eurasian style house, a private dock, and the saigon river at sunset.
the moon and the river at dawn in than da, on the outskirts of saigon. a fresh cool blue. just as we were about to pack up, the world was about to come alive again.
saigon dusk. the setting sun signals the beginning of a new work day, este, night.
our location last night: a buddhist pagoda in the middle of saigon metro.

thinking of home. as always. counting the days. being on my toes each time at work. you rely on your memory, on your capacity for organization and discipline, on your knowledge of the script, and even if you get off work breathing free you know that you will always take the work home (or what you currently regard as home) with you. there is no such thing as rest for the mind. so long as paperwork is there. so long as backlog exists. so long as the camera is on a constant grind. it's a technical job in a very non-technical way. pen, paper, script, polaroids and the digicam are my very best friends. the nature of the work is a far cry from the Dream Job, but it's both a way up and a way to live.

i'm right where i belong. or where i want to belong, at least. i know i'm closer now to my preferred path than i was some two or three months ago, but moments come when my patience is starting to run short, when i feel like tearing myself away from every "pragmatic" career move i've done in the past four years and just...friggin make my own movie.

you want to get there? maybe the best way is to just...friggin do it.

forget patience. forget the old "adage" of the industry "elders". screw working your way up. forget money. just...make your film. you've been pretty much playing safe for the past four years.

ang sarap siguro kung pwede lang talagang ganyan na lang ako mag-isip. just doing it. without fear. without doubts. with all the fire that i used to carry in me when i was just starting to love film.

the fire can't be dying. it's the only thing that gives this life some semblance of a direction.