off the top of my (sleep-deficient) head

* i just missed my first heartbreak sunday today. not having been on the set. not having seen it on tv. the show was aired live today and i was snoozing...woke up to text messages saying that CARVANE was the casualty this week. how sad. carlo is such a good actor. he would have been more than able to play a key role in the upcoming loventure. i just can't see anyone else from the group being able to give that role more justice than carlo.
* and so it's down to the final four. man, the end is nearing. when back then they were 9 threesomes. can't help looking back to those reality days--the offscreen romance, jealousies, angsts; how the kids would practically one-up each other (yes, halata sila) by showing the most colorful versions of themselves in an effort to seize the camera's attention. competitions are always good TV. but i think the show was at its most interesting when they were still all threesomes. that was the peak for me. para kang nanonood ng real-life teen soap opera.
* yahoo! my laptop has the TEXT TWIST game already!
* new favorite parlor(?) game: TABOO. winning is addictive. haha. and seeing someone laugh in such a way that he never did before (except during quirky videoke renditions of "Annie R U OK?" by one of our friends) is somehow addictive as well. man, i'd like to see you laugh like that more often. pure glee. unforced. sans the put-ons.
* there's a world out there that's pulsing with blood and life, and it frustrates me that i'm not part of the revolution. it frustrates me, because once upon a time i was bound for that direction. and then somewhere along the way i lost sight of that. it frustrates me everytime i'm reminded.
* thank god for people out there who can relate to these frustrations. i wouldn't have known how to survive those occasional bouts without those SMS conversations.
* why do i always freeze? i think i've been frozen for the longest time now. i'm scared of one day finding out that i've been hacking my way through life all along. but in my more optimistic moments i'd find myself hoping that maybe, JUST maybe, i'm much better than i actually think i am.
* i don't know. the answer will always be just a brilliant work away from being attainable. i'm scared. but aren't we all, every now and then?
* if you want it bad enough, maybe you'll get it. if you don't, then it must mean it's not gonna be good for you. in the grand scheme of things, maybe we are given the things that will only ultimately do us good. ultimately.
* haven't gone to mass in a loooong time. lord, i know you're still there. i know that you know that even if i don't pray often my faith in you is solid. i know that you will only give me what will be good for me.
* how many times have i not gotten the things that i so badly wanted. i wanted that cinefondation scholarship. so bad. i wanted that rapper guy to fall in love with me. bad enough to pray for it every single day for, like, a month. i've wanted to meet my deadlines. so badly, everytime. and i've wanted to make that next short or feature-length script for the longest time now. but somehow i can't even get past my initial fears. oh please. we've heard this all before.
* we can't get what we want everytime. but i can't complain because there were things that i had badly wanted that were given to me, and at times i'd get some good things that i didn't even ask for. well, i didn't ask for wonderful parents. i didn't ask to be born. so i'm thankful, in that respect.
* but it's human nature, i guess. to have the tendency to see the glass as half-empty. my life is a quarter-full glass. sometimes it just gets so tiring to strive towards filling it up more, but moments like that will always pass.