non-eXistenz

thirty-two hours ago. sleepless, angry.

sellout to one, artsy-fartsy to another.

got into a fight via SMS with an old friend because of y@smien kurd1. she called me a sellout. which didn't bother me any, actually. she's an indie music hardliner, of course she'd say that. i don't see anything wrong with working for the pop mainstream. you take work, you take the chance to do what you love, whenever and wherever you can. who cares if it's "pop". just because it's "pop" doesn't mean you can't make something good out of it, make the most of what you've been given to start on, to the best of your dang abilities.

if you love doing something, love it to the point of obsession, it won't matter. kahit apr1l boy pa yan, kahit myst1ca pa yan, kahit kung sinong herodes pa yan from one of those singing talent shows on tv, if the chance to make something creative presents itself, you will take it. i have and i still will. because i will always have that hope in me that despite everything else, despite the "pop" label or the mainstream "givens", there will be enough leeway, enough space for me to be able to create something interesting out of something that some artsy-fartsy purists would normally smirk at.

i think that the moment when she said "F--k you, that was my concept", was when she lost my friendship. it was an ugly exchange. the whole idea na nag-aagawan ng credit for a brainstormed concept was ugly to me. ayokong patulan, kahit na alam kong may rason ako para mabwisit. dapat pala nag-minute-taking kami nung nagbe-brainstorm para malinaw kung kanino galing ang alin. and what really got to me was her attitude about the whole thing. she sounded like the concept was solely hers, and that i had stolen something from her. which was friggin B.S.

oh well. i guess may mga tao lang talaga na hindi mo na kayang sakyan, kahit matagal na kayong supposedly magkakilala. your differences would outweigh the things you have in common. and the points of disagreement would overshadow memories of happier times.

in between those angry text msgs i had another textversation goin on. ewan kung medyo touchy na lang ako at this point, kung medyo combative ang mindset ko coming from the fiery emotions of the other SMS chat. pero parang sinasabi yata nitong kausap ko na i had bailed out of the last TV job because i was, erm, "artsy-fartsy".

ehehe. that was the message i got, in so many words. maybe i was wrong. maybe he was just saying that he loved TV and understood the importance of entertainment, and what's really important to "people". but it left an unsettling feeling in me. kanina sellout ako, ngayon artsy-fartsy film purist naman? ehe. wala bang middle ground? di ba meron namang mga tao who exist and thrive between these two extremes? people who are nestled--albeit unsteadily--between the realm of "high" art and pop?

hay, ramblings. naiinis lang ako. sa mga goals sa buhay na at present eh parang ang hirap abutin. sa mga bagay na gustong gawin at mga bagay na ayaw nang gawin, pero kelangan pa rin dahil sa kasalukuyan eh wala namang ibang happier options.

happier options.
i'm somekinda tired of making other peoples' movies.
gusto ko nang gumawa ng sarili kong pelikula.
ilan ba kami sa mundong ibabaw na yan ang gusto.
ang pagkakaiba lang ng mga nakukuha ang gusto nila sa mga forever-na-lang-nangangarap, may ginagawa sila para makuha ang gusto nila.

argghhh.

i dreamed a dream

it's somebody's day off today.

and he's been "Idle" for 3 hours and 55 minutes.

haha, stalker.

i thought this one was done and over with. "passe", as how i'd put it in the previous entry. who would've thought that all that it would take was a dream.

i dreamed that i woke up one morning and discovered that i was married to time capsule #001.

whoa. yey.

i'm amused at certain persons. sometimes the amusement would be a bit too strong that i'd mistake it for something else. but i'd remember how i felt in that Dream and realize that, hey, THAT is the real thing. THAT is how i would feel if i really lurved someone. usually that would ground me, bring me back to earth.

two weeks to go. and i'm writing blogs instead of stories. nyeta.

just thought i'd write it down, though. one year ago he also had a dream. we were an onscreen loveteam, and we were declared Most Romantic Duo On the Block (or the equivalent title of that). when someone told me about that dream, it made me smoke a bit more menthols than i used to, for a while.

haha. THAT's how you feel, when. nothing else has topped that so far.

lock up from all corners

to help myself get busy inside my head, maybe i will have to live inside my head for a while.

spurn socializing in general.
lock up from all corners.
isolate. hermitize. explore inwardly, and not get distracted by temporary concerns.
forget everything from the outside world.

yes, including the fluff.
after all, what personages there are will turn out to be red herrings, eventually. we know that. so what's the point. time waster.

and the frog princess has been passe for quite some time now. not worth the time, as well.

it might "dour" me down quite some, but it might help me melt the icycle. there are better things to do that, if done right, might transcend present concerns. maybe even go beyond the immediate future.

text postscript

not until the work is done would i be able to allow myself to succumb to my girlish tendencies. almost always, that is.

and now that the movie's wrapped, i can finally tell the world that i think the guy in green is UNDENIABLY, IRRESISTIBLY, SMITE-ME-WITH-SLEDGEHAMMER beautiful.

hahaha.
considering that ours was a horror movie, i think the "sledgehammer" adverb fits his description to a T.

it's the same mold that's drawn women with "mothering" tendencies. the quiet, boyish, harmless-looking type. laidback and soft-spoken. mysterious and introverted. androgynous, boyish features. beguilingly sincere smile. courting, take-care-of-me eyes.

hay. will mishu, mishu a lot, "alex"!

(postscript: the woman in the picture would probably kill me if she found out i posted this. harhar! peace, mare!)

of course not

depressed.

must be the day. must be a bunch of little thingies slabbered on together. must be the hecticness of every day for god-knows-what-reason.
maybe just one little glimmer in the dark and i'll be back in happy spirits again. but no. i refuse to believe that. because to believe in that is to acknowledge that it's the major cause of my low spirits.

of course not.

maybe i'll just smoke another cigarette.

* * *

make good use of your time, bluey. this is exactly the time you've asked and prayed for. so do something productive. instead of lapsing into old habits.

read the signs. make no excuses. choose between black and white, and nothing in between. revive the beeyatch in you. somebody tried to snuff it out before and you let him, don't let anyone snuff it out again. it's good to be beeyatchy sometimes. it's healthy to let out angsts sometimes. we can't all be sunshiney mahoney everytime. it kills out the passion and makes zombies out of us.

read the signs.

no ifs or buts or maybes.
basta kung anong napapansin mo ngayon, yon na yon. it's emotionally safer to detach that way, than to cling on to non-truths.

faith should not be a virtue this time. like how it's always been, in cases like these.

and it's a wrap...again

that out of the way, on to more essential thoughts...

we finished the horror movie at 8 am this morning. i've been sleeping like a bat for the past several days--gising sa buong gabi, tulog sa umaga. juggling is fun but draining. the short film's screening at Da Kanlungan (aka UP Diliman) tomorrow and there were small thingies to take care of. same small thingies for the Yasmien video (i.e. reproduction of copies) to take care of as well. not to mention stuff for Getting the Baby Somewhere Out There, na hindi ko masyadong maasikaso lately. but i have to, soon. as in, tomorrow.

august 31. the key to my dreams. why not. why not NOT push yourself. why not brave it and get the hell out of the comfort zone.

the horror movie's direk texted me and said i was "really really hardworking and meticulous". weehoo. coming from my director that was worth all the puyat at pagod i've invested in this film for the past two months. he wanted to see the kabaklaan film, along with the rest of my reel. dunno why but that just brings out the shy person in me. na naman. although a big part of me is somehow hoping that it might bring on more opportunities. open new doors, so to speak. which kinda brings the anxiety level up a li'l bit.

but i've learned my lesson with these things. i've had not-so-happy outcomes from initially happy hopes. oh well. whatever happens, happens.

tonight i went to friend jp's despedida party. he's moving in to cebu to study film. (yes, there's a film school out there, and my only wish for this dude is that he'd finally, finally straighten up and finish something he'd started. gwow up.)

i was the only girl at that table, and the rest of the guests were badings. lahat sila, parang mga karakter na hinugot sa sinapupunan ng mga nagconceptualize ng "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy".

and the strange thing was, i felt really comfortable being around them. listening to the stories and pang-ookrays. ba't kaya sobrang natatawa ko sa mga taong magaling mang-okray.

hay. si frog princess. okray winfrey. the queen of (okray) talk.
mishu pa rin. di ko maintindihan talaga!
still looking to videoke again with you. me, sam. you, toni. gusto mo yon?

hay bwiset. siguro bakla ako nung past life ko.

fluff versus reason

one sign that you're over someone is when you see him online on ym and you don't feel the compulsion to type in a "hi". wahoo. i've been in this phase before. i wonder if i'll be going back full circle.

hindi ko alam kung instinct ba yon, or plain logic lang, but there are certain cases when i just plain FEEL that someone is wrong, that someone shouldn't be trusted, and yet he seems relatively more interesting than the ones who can probably be categorized as "nice" and "trustworthy". bad boy syndrome ba ito, hindi rin, kasi narinig ko na yan, and i never really could get it why girls would want to be with guys who'd trash motels, pick fights, or plain emanate rebel-like angst (i'd pick the wholesome-looking, unthreatening, bespectacled ones over those types any old time). maybe flattery. because the wrong ones are usually the ones who know the right words to say. kahit alam mong "style" lang, at maaring ginagamit din nila sa iba, kahit alam mong "put on" lang at hindi naman talaga yon ang tunay na sila, flattered ka pa rin. at hindi mo alam kung bakit.

hindi mo rin naman masabi na dahil gusto mo sila in the same level na gusto mo yung (Eternally) Ideal Guy na kaytagal mo nang pinapangarap na piliin kang maging ina ng mga anak nya. basta flattered ka lang. at nakakatawang nakakatakot, dahil baka pag di ka nag-ingat eh mag-evolve into something else ang flattery nang di mo namamalayan.

argh.

pero madalas may mga moments na matatauhan ka, at maiisip mong---hello? ilang taon ka na ba, 13? may utak ka naman, at may tenga ka naman, at alam mo base sa mga naririnig mo (straight from the horse's mouth pa nga minsan) na tanga na lang ang magpadala sa devil's machination that is flattery. ba't di ka ma-flatter sa mga pagpapa-cute ng mga tamang tao? ba't dun pa sa mali at alam mo namang may pagkagago? at ang totoo eh wala ka namang rason para ma-flatter, dahil di naman sya ganon ka-OK. di naman sya ganon ka-special.

yun yun e.

inevitably i always lapse back into those thoughts. which is quite a relief, actually.

the art of war

variety is a great neutralizer.
it takes the intensity off one subject and distributes it onto the others. and, in a way, keeps you from being emotionally vulnerable to anything.

which is something that will help you survive this kind of war. because vulnerability has been the downfall of many.

vulnerability, and faith.

and so, when you face the battlefield, there are certain things you have to remember: 1) be ready for anything, 2) keep your thoughts and feelings under wraps, and 3) trust no one. not even yourself, in the long run.

it's a war. and the one who loses is the one who becomes stupid enough to invest too much. or reveal too much.

cooling off, cooling down, and the fire is just heatin up

the best time to blog is when i'm either 1) happier than normal, or 2) drearier than normal, and i guess this time is neither one of those. but since i'm no longer keeping a personal my-eyes-only diary i decide now that even emotionally-neutral days are worth documenting. they might even turn out to be an interesting read for me in the future.

yasmien video finished. objectively (huh? could this be possible?) speaking i suppose matino naman sya. what i'm kinda worried about, though, is the cheese factor. argh. i hope not. i'm sick of cheese. makes me doubt myself real bad. harhar.

last two days to go for the current movie project. my interests have been divided that's why i haven't been counting the days much. pag isang bagay lang kasi ang focus mo parang napakatagal. shoots have been postponed often because of the rains but tomorrow, come hell or high water we're gonna finish days 18 of 19 days. and finish day 19 the day after.

and then, on wednesday, i've invited my co-workers to the repeat screening of my little kabaklaan of a short film to the UP CineAdarna. ay! kung matutuloy man sila sa wednesday, sana magustuhan nila. sana din makapunta si direk. although the idea alone somekinda brings out the shy person in me. haha. i feel awkward just thinking about it.

we're nearing the end of another project, and the old me would've been writing her goodbye dedications by now, but strangely i don't feel any...sadness at all. it began with the previous film project, and the (nonexistent) feeling is here again. have i finally learned the Art of Detachment, or the sentimentality will catch up with me later?

ewan. this has been a really friendly bunch of workers. the politics ain't that horrid, compared to my workplaces of recent months. i especially am fond of the art department (whom i've worked with in the f0ll0wing r0s@ film last year) and the assistant director is my somekinduva-best-chum on the set, but i don't know if i will miss them when this is over. it's a small industry anyway, and we're bound to meet in common circles again one of these days.

and, since this film is about to wrap up anyway, today i found the courage (and yes, the gall) to tell the so-called confidantes that i have "cooled off" with The Boyfriend. hahaha. (not-so) coincidentally the guy who was my inspiration for The Boyfriend's Face has cooled off with his S.O. as well, so i must have been inspired. truth to tell, though, it does feel good to be Unabashedly Single once again.

heehaw!

i just wanted to say...

...that i totally HATE those gawddang pc viruses. they're the reason why i'm writing this entry from a rented pc.
...that i've been SIMMERING (and yeah, cursing under my breath) all afternoon because the pathetic virus-stricken machine was so gawddang slow.
...and for these reasons alone, this has not been a very happy day.