non-eXistenz

thirty-two hours ago. sleepless, angry.

sellout to one, artsy-fartsy to another.

got into a fight via SMS with an old friend because of y@smien kurd1. she called me a sellout. which didn't bother me any, actually. she's an indie music hardliner, of course she'd say that. i don't see anything wrong with working for the pop mainstream. you take work, you take the chance to do what you love, whenever and wherever you can. who cares if it's "pop". just because it's "pop" doesn't mean you can't make something good out of it, make the most of what you've been given to start on, to the best of your dang abilities.

if you love doing something, love it to the point of obsession, it won't matter. kahit apr1l boy pa yan, kahit myst1ca pa yan, kahit kung sinong herodes pa yan from one of those singing talent shows on tv, if the chance to make something creative presents itself, you will take it. i have and i still will. because i will always have that hope in me that despite everything else, despite the "pop" label or the mainstream "givens", there will be enough leeway, enough space for me to be able to create something interesting out of something that some artsy-fartsy purists would normally smirk at.

i think that the moment when she said "F--k you, that was my concept", was when she lost my friendship. it was an ugly exchange. the whole idea na nag-aagawan ng credit for a brainstormed concept was ugly to me. ayokong patulan, kahit na alam kong may rason ako para mabwisit. dapat pala nag-minute-taking kami nung nagbe-brainstorm para malinaw kung kanino galing ang alin. and what really got to me was her attitude about the whole thing. she sounded like the concept was solely hers, and that i had stolen something from her. which was friggin B.S.

oh well. i guess may mga tao lang talaga na hindi mo na kayang sakyan, kahit matagal na kayong supposedly magkakilala. your differences would outweigh the things you have in common. and the points of disagreement would overshadow memories of happier times.

in between those angry text msgs i had another textversation goin on. ewan kung medyo touchy na lang ako at this point, kung medyo combative ang mindset ko coming from the fiery emotions of the other SMS chat. pero parang sinasabi yata nitong kausap ko na i had bailed out of the last TV job because i was, erm, "artsy-fartsy".

ehehe. that was the message i got, in so many words. maybe i was wrong. maybe he was just saying that he loved TV and understood the importance of entertainment, and what's really important to "people". but it left an unsettling feeling in me. kanina sellout ako, ngayon artsy-fartsy film purist naman? ehe. wala bang middle ground? di ba meron namang mga tao who exist and thrive between these two extremes? people who are nestled--albeit unsteadily--between the realm of "high" art and pop?

hay, ramblings. naiinis lang ako. sa mga goals sa buhay na at present eh parang ang hirap abutin. sa mga bagay na gustong gawin at mga bagay na ayaw nang gawin, pero kelangan pa rin dahil sa kasalukuyan eh wala namang ibang happier options.

happier options.
i'm somekinda tired of making other peoples' movies.
gusto ko nang gumawa ng sarili kong pelikula.
ilan ba kami sa mundong ibabaw na yan ang gusto.
ang pagkakaiba lang ng mga nakukuha ang gusto nila sa mga forever-na-lang-nangangarap, may ginagawa sila para makuha ang gusto nila.

argghhh.