multo o maligno

isn't it strange when you dream of someone and then the next day (or the day after next), they get in touch with you? all the stranger if it happens twice, and involving the same person.

parang multo. di ba may mga multong nagpaparamdam sa panaginip? two months ago i would've taken it as a "sign". baka maisip ko pang may psychic connection ako sa taong to or something silly like that. but two months seems ages ago. and two months ago was my time in twilight zone.

musta?
napanood mo na yung The Prestige?
too busy ba? me isang taong gusto kang i-treat

all saints' day na kasi kaya siguro nagpaparamdam ang mga multo. o dahil kakatapos lang ng halloween kaya lumalabas sa woodwork ang kung anu-anong maligno? haha :-P

beeyatchy. kaya ako kinakarma e. kaya tuloy lagi akong nagfo-fall sa bading. haha. wow ibang klaseng maligno yon. ibang klaseng multo. kahit mapanaginipan ko araw-araw, magiging masayang bangungot. he's welcome to haunt me anytime.

back to the present case. ambivalent answers to provocative questions can only mean two things; 1) the person is teasing/tormenting/testing you, or 2) the person him/herself feels ambivalently about the whole thing. maybe i was a little of both. but at the end of the day, it was easy to resolve the uncertainty. it was easy to dismiss it. di ko yata feel bumuhay ng patay. o mag-resuscitate ng naghihingalo. ipagtitirik na lang natin ng kandila, sabay dasal. may your memory in my mind forever rest in peace. manahimik na sana ang yong kaluluwa at wag nang magparamdam pa.

hahaha, evil ko talaga.

uplate

my share of random shrandom for the moment:
* done with paperwork, a few more to go. have to finish one or two more, at least before the next movie shoot begins. realistically, i think i'll be able to finish two at the most.
* a new movie shoot begins in...hmm...36 hours. good luck to us. we end shoot november 9 at the latest. god-willing.
* dubbing ongoing for the direk's project. the Star was an extraordinary dubber. but then she's had decades to master the art. but still! dubbing dialogue in movies is actually doing 50% of the acting. you can't help but develop a new kind of respect for total actors like the Star, who didn't become the St@r for mere looks or charisma alone.
* i finally saw The Shot that i'd been talking about the other night--there was nothing wrong with it. and there i was, all (silent) apologies, just about ready to hang myself! haha. talk about praning. driving myself up the wall over an "error" that was never committed, in the first place.
* si direk kasi e. hehe. i wish i'd see him around in one of those dubbing sessions. for sure it's gonna bring in a whole lotta sunshine to the soul.
* it's late october and i'm not doing anything yet, where the dream is concerned. hay. eto na naman ako. tapos pag last minute tsaka mag-aapura.
* work is an obstacle, but i know i shouldn't make that an excuse. i know, i know. i'm talking to myself, don't mind me.
* it's 5 am. meme na bluey, if you know what's good for you.

let's play tag!

i've been tagged. no better time to indulge the bulletin-board-survey-addict in me than 3 in the morning. wahoo!

Rules of this tag:

1. Name the person who tagged you.
zelle tagged me. nice to see new blog updates there, girl, keep 'em coming!


2. Name 8 things about you.
- i'm an open book. to most people.
- i smoke marlboro menthols. persistent bad habit, but i can see hope for me in the future. the day i'll quit my menthols will be the day i'll find true love (haha good luck on that)
- i love cats. they're just so dang beautiful to look at, they don't fawn or slobber all over you, and the poise is just so natural. which makes it exemplary.
- apart from the menthols, i have two other bad vices: tardiness, and procrastination. so good luck na lang sa life. haha.
- i love taking pictures, because i love collecting memories. i look back so much i should've been born with another set of eyes at the back of my head. my appreciation of moments and experiences is ALWAYS delayed. and that's where pictures always come in handy.
- i'm a passionist. by nature. in nearly everything. intense and all-out. an all-or-nothing basketcase. driven, ambitious, romantic, hungry, idealistic. but life has tamed me in a lotta ways. and up to now i can't decide whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. basta moderation is always healthy. it keeps you grounded, balanced, and yes, basically happy.
- i love the dream more than anything else. and i'd do anything within ethical and moral boundaries to live it.
- i've always been in love. with the concept of love. like most people, nearly all the time. have this bad habit of molding idealized images out of real people. bad habit, cause when reality bites, i'd always feel cheated. misled. disillusioned. but hwell i do learn the lesson sometimes.

3. Tag 6 people.

waterfowl
beatlebum
cf
carmi
dr. oblivion
choclit luver

so there. spread the virus!

4:26 am

i brought a non-"showbiz" friend to a movie premiere tonight. she was starstruck all evening. nakakatuwa. to her, seeing "artistas" in the flesh was something that didn't happen everyday and something that was worth texting home about.

kahit naman ako, medyo windang rin over the fact that i was actually got to ride in the backseat of pa0lo bed10nes' car. ang kaibigan ko, habang nakasakay kami, halos mapudpod na ang mga daliri sa kakatext sa kung sino. later she told me that she was telling her sisters at home that she was in pa0lo bed10nes' car. haha! crush kasi nya si pa0lo. ako rin crush ko si pa0lo, i think he's cute in a rugged-conyotic sorta way. but during that moment hindi ko ma-enjoy yung experience. sobrang upset ako over something. sobrang bothered.

i did notice, though, that pa0lo seems a lot less of the straight-laced dude when his guard is down, when he's not facing the cameras. chatty, reminds me of those theater actors. crush ko ba sya? oo. kung crush ko sya, di kaya bading sya?

hahaha. hindi naman siguro. cristy fermin moment ba ito.

everyone was in celebratory mood today because our film got an A-rating from the CEB. amazing! that means the CEB thought the film was aesthetically meritorious enough to be given a 100% tax rebate. the last studio-produced horror movie that got a rating that's any good was suk0b, and that was only a B. so happy kaming lahat over that little triumph. sana rin mag-triumph sa box office.

my night would've been absolutely blithe if i didn't learn about something that totally upset me. totally. i couldn't hide my reaction. "ba't ka namumula?" someone asked me. she didn't hear what i'd just been told. i couldn't speak. alam ko dapat hindi nagpapahalatang masyadong apektado, hindi dapat pinapakitang guilty o self-berating. but at that moment i was an open wound. a bleeding one, at that.

haha. OA.

pag mga ganitong kaso pala, you let yourself down in two aspects of your life. parang two birds hit with one stone. masakit pag may personal feelings na involved. lalo na kung despite your personal feelings toward the person, no personal relationship exists outside of the professional one. at kung hindi ka nya lubusang kilala, madali ka nyang madya-judge. madali ka nyang madi-dismiss for the neighborhood dumpster.

sa lahat naman ng tao, sya pa. sa lahat naman ng pelikula, dun pa. syempre maba-bother ako. syempre malulugmok ako. dahil sobrang minahal ko ang experience na yon, at sobrang mahalaga sa kin ang impression sa kin ng taong yon. hindi ko tuloy alam kung pano sya haharapin sa susunod na shoot. hindi ko alam kung pano ko mareremedyuhan ang mga bagay-bagay. will "sorry" suffice? what could i possibly do when the harm has been done?

siguro pinapalaki ko lang sa utak ko kasi nga may personal feelings involved. kung ibang tao yan, ibang kaso yan, i can easily block it out, charge it to experience, and move on. all evening over dinner i was still brooding over it. there was nothing that i wanted more than to do everything right for him. more than that, to make him believe in me. kahit bilang isang laborer lang. dahil professional lang ang relationship namin. hanggang don lang ang pinaka-realistic na maa-aspire ko. tapos isang shot lang pala ang guguho sa lahat ng masasayang alaala na inipon ko during our seven-day shoot. isang shot lang pala ang sisira ng gabi ko. isang shot, na sinasabi nilang wala lang, wag ko daw masyadong isipin dahil hindi magiging panira ng career ang isang shot, pero hiyang-hiya pa rin ako sa kanya. when i remember vividly that that was the only thing he had asked me to take care of. isang shot.

i'm sorry, direk. i'm so sorry. siguro hindi naman talaga big deal tulad ng iniisip ko pero hindi mo alam kung gaano ko dinidibdib. OA talaga. pero truth remains. my bad. but i want you to know that there was never a time when i wasn't on my toes. there was never a time when i wasn't behind your back. and this is the first time, ever, that a single shot could ever make me feel this culpable.

hindi ko pa nga alam kung ano yung problema, kasi di ko pa nakikita. pero dahil sinabi mo, malamang tama ka. dahil sinabi mo, nagi-guilty na ko. kasi sobra-sobra ang tiwala ko sa yo. sobra-sobra ang confidence ko na alam mo ang ginagawa mo. at kung ano ang sabihin mo, kung ano ang isipin mo, malamang paniniwalaan ko.

kaya ganito na lang ang pagkabalisa ko. i feel horribly, excruciatingly culpable. siguro matatawa ka lang kung makikita mo ang reaction ko kanina. mukha yata kong bibitayin.

at the end of the night the producer told me that i needn't worry too much over it, because it wasn't me. (or maybe it wasn't JUST me?). it was him, in so many words. him, unsatisfied, not with just a shot, but with a few more. a few more shots that he didn't shoot then, which he now realizes are necessary. sana hindi lang sinasabi yon ni ma'am produ para kalmahin ang loob ko. o para i-salvage ang natitirang kasiyahan sa nasira kong gabi. sana lang. pero kailangan ko pa ring marinig sa yo.

alas-4 na ng umaga. there's a meeting today at 3 pm in that place at the edge of the world, alabang. a meeting that i'm not particularly excited about. but a meeting that i'm going to attend, nonetheless. we can't live on passions alone, after all. it's one of the best compromises i can engage in. give some, get some. sana lang mas ganahan pa ko sa project. cause this feeling is a bit too familiar for comfort. para kong nagde-de ja vu about the happenings of one year ago.

parang andami-dami kong dapat gawin these days. dalawang magkaibang batches ng paperwork due asap. isang madugong deadline para sa alabang project on friday. grind ng bagong horror project on thursday. a meeting for a potentially passion-related project on saturday. na baka maurong pa kung matutuloy ang last-day shoot for my project with The Direk on that same day (hay. pano ba kita haharapin, direk?). sometimes i tend to overestimate my multi-tasking abilities. biting off more than i can chew, so to speak. but i've made the commitments and there's no other option but to just...hack it.

pero minsan, kahit na feeling mo eh may kinapupuntahan ang buhay mo dahil busy ka sa maraming bagay, moments would come when you would still feel as far from the Dream as you were on Day One. that everything is illusory, and transient, and everything you think you've invested on will actually amount to nothing more than pebbles for the piggy bank. spreading your wings and spreading yourself to thin are two very different things. expanding does not necessarily equate to ascending.

and moments would come, really, when you would feel that, despite all your efforts to create a so-called master plan, you are actually, in deep, clueless.

afloat. drifting. homeless.
clueless.

shop talk

over fwendster the producer of our last movie thanked me for my pro-bono work as the film's still photographer. ahay. syempre she's always welcome, although a part of me--the practical, pragmatic part--is somekinda feeling like a huge sucker. in some other part of the world, in another time and place, maybe i would've gotten rich out of doing the things i'd been doing here for free. but reality is the here and now.

masaya din naman. kasi sobrang na-enjoy ko talaga yung pagpi-piktyur-piktyur. hindi lang sa mga eksena (which doubles na rin as my guide for action continuity, call it two-fold purpose flashtography), kundi sa mga nangyayari sa likod ng camera. yung mga taong katrabaho ko. capturing moments, ika nga ng kodak. collecting memories for future smiles-upon-recall.

lalo na sa project na to. i've never had as much fun since my last movie shoot for 2004. para kong bumalik sa adventurous side ko. even saigon pales in comparison. kasi noon sa saigon all i could think about was how many days til hometime.

and now we're starting another project again. with the same happy troupe, minus a few missing factors. which kinda makes me sad. cause the people who would not be able to join in this time are the people i've come to really, really be endeared by. like my roommate of an underwater photography stalwart (who's probably diving through shark-infested costa rican waters now as i speak). and her uber-fun, uber-alaskador gaffer. and her ever-reliable, quick-as-lightning 1st assistant camerman. and of course, the direk.

hay, direk.

this new project, a seven-day shoot, is goin to be part of a trilogy for the local Metro Festival this Christmas season. the famous horror franchise from the notorious movie matriarch. notorious, because she's known among inner circles as someone who doesn't pay her laborers on time. late na nga, inadequate pa. ahahay. ewan ko ba kung bat napasok ko and proyektong ito. siguro nga hindi naman talaga ako nagtatrabaho para lang sa pera. kasi napakatino ng mga katrabaho ko. napakabait ng producer namin. wala akong masabi, parang pamilya na halos ang turingan. at sabi nga nila, if you don't get a taste of r3gal, your experience of the local film industry won't be absolute. kasi sya na daw yung may pinaka-dreary working conditions. haha.

the other day during the meeting the matriarch herself sat with us. despite the unflattering funny things i've heard about her (the stories have somekinda transformed her into a caricature of the typical tsinoy businessman in the film biz), i still couldn't help marveling at the mere fact that i was in the presence of someone who's been a big influence in the film business for the past twenty years. and someone who's helped shaped the careers of people like ishma bernal, peque gallaga, jeffr3y j3turian, and other film "gods" i've come to regard with respect.

karakter si m0ther, she doesn't pull the stops when it comes to belching out comments. off the top of her head talaga. over the speaker phone she was talking to someone from the currently-shooting m@no p0. apparently she'd seen the rushes (the raw unedited footage) from the film's first few shooting days and she wasn't too happy with one of the film's stars. "sabihan mo d1na (bonnevie), magpapayat. she's FAT!" this drew guffaws from everyone in the room. "para syang...sino ba...ike lozada!" haha. candidly funny. she reminds me of someone like my mother, embarrasses people without even being aware of it.

kumusta na kaya si direk. isang shooting day na lang ang natitira from our other project, which is tentatively on saturday. kung pwede lang hatakin ang mga araw para saturday na uli. pati tuloy yung mga palabas sa TV na hindi ko naman talaga pinapanood, tumututok na ko dahil isa sya sa mga co-creators. hay. it's crazy whenever i go through this phase.

first time series 1: spa

today i went to a spa for the first time. wouldn't have gone if it weren't for free. di kasi ko health buff, at naniniwala akong ang pinakamainam na cure to stress and toxic overload ay pahinga at tubig. haha.

but this morning i found myself at a spa. on assignment. i was tasked by a newbie travel magazine to write a review of the establishment's services. in short, a sampler experience in exchange for promotional written material. aha, the perks of rackets. ahlavet!

ewan ko kung anong ine-expect ko, but initially i was a bit disappointed to see that the place was actually just a tad above the average working man's massage parlor. only difference is, malinis sya, at legit sya (meaning walang "extra services" from the masseusses, which could actually be a minus for denizens who are looking for such "extras"). pero syempre pag sinulat ko na yung article, i'd probably say that the place is "a comfy nook in the middle of the metropolis". haha. well totoo naman, na isa syang "comfy nook". hindi sya "oasis" at malayong-malayo sya sa bonggang spas na nakikita sa pages ng Inquirer Lifestyle (hahaha siguro ito nga ang in-expect ko bago ako pumunta sa spa na yon!), but it serves the purpose. the cubicles were dimly (almost lullingly) lit, and the place smelled faintly of some earthy aromatic oil. hmm.

the working middle-class person will find this spa functional enough to relieve the holiday stress away, i constructed the sentence in my head as i toured the place, snapping pictures. syempre di naman pwedeng gamitin yung "working middle class person", kasi parang lumalabas na jologs lang ang makaka-appreciate nung lugar (na medyo hindi naman malayo sa katotohanan, pero syempre taboo sabihin). ehe. pretensyosa. pero syempre, may politics pa ring kasama sa likod ng mga magazine articles na yan. best to save the real story for the personal blog.

i was asked to strip down to my bare essentials and take a steam bath for fifteen minutes. nakapag-steam bath na ko before (sinasama ko dati ng nanay ko sa mga weight-loss sessions nya sa slimmer's world nung hayskul ako), pero ten minutes pa lang, hindi ko na matagalan ang init. naisip ko tuloy bigla ang impyerno, at nung mga sandaling yon parang gusto ko nang magsisi at magpakabait dahil pihadong mas mainit ang impyerno kesa sa steam bath na yon. araguuy!

after ten minutes in the steam room, then came the best part: a full body massage. my masseuse, in fairness, had such nimble, pressure-calibrated hands. i was lulled to half-sleep in a matter of minutes. habang minamasahe nya ko, kinukwento nya ang buhay nya. haha. naalala ko tuloy yung isang short story ni butch d@lisay tungkol sa isang masahista sa isang seedy massage parlor. wala nang bago sa storya ng masahista ko. naisip ko tuloy sana hindi ko na lang sya chinika para mas nakapag-concentrate sya sa pagmamasahe. hahaha. sama ano.

after an hour of kneading, pressing, rubbing, and stretching, i was done. unknotted, a bit sore in certain places, but definitely more relaxed than when i first came in. i learned that the entire body massage-with-steam-bath package cost less than P500. in fairness, it was, well, worth it. the excellently-handled massage session made all the difference.

so i came away wondering how i was going to write that friggin article. i still am, now. thanks to the massage, nakatulog lang ako buong maghapon, so ngayon maghahapit ako buong magdamag para ma-meet ang deadline bukas. hmm, kung tutuusin madali lang naman yon. 800 words, photo-heavy. para lang akong nagsulat ng blog entry. pero syempre nagpo-procrastinate pa rin ako. kaya inuna ko munang ikwento dito sa blog, to get me started somehow.

haha! pasensya na kung na-bore kayo. praktis lang. :-)

girl friend

10:32 pm. ready to kiss the world goodnight.

despite two yet-to-be-accomplished items in the To-Do list. remnants from the To-Do lists since two days ago. hay. going out eats up the hours, the days. i hate going out.

yesterday i had to go out for the sake of meeting a longtime friend who's leaving for the States this week. pretty soon she'll be staying there for good, and, out of sentimentality (and, well, a sense of, erm, duty), i went all the way to makati to see her before she leaves. haha, panget no. duty ba. ibig sabihin hindi bukal sa loob. ok lang naman kaso ang layo ng lugar na kailangang puntahan, at marami pa kong tasks na di pa nagagawa, at masama ang pakiramdam ko.

pero ok lang. kasi mahal ko ang kaibigan kong to. how many times have i proven to myself that she is one of those people who will still be there even if i myself would no longer be there for me. ilang projects na ba ang pinagdaanan namin, from my undergrad thesis to boracay to my quickie low-budget music videos to gg at waterina. ilang crushes at so-called love interests ko na ba ang halos nakilala na nya nang husto sa (paulit-ulit na) pagkukwento at pagko-confide ko (at ilang beses na rin nya ko nasabihang "eto na naman tayo" at "naikwento mo na yan eh". hahaha). kahit nakakalimutan ko ang birthdays nya (mahina talaga ang memorya ko sa mga ganyan, at alam nya yon), kahit wala ako sa ilan sa pinaka-trying times sa buhay nya lately (nagka-bell's syndrome pala sya and had to undergo treatment for several weeks, and during that time busy ako sa sarili kong buhay at wala kaming masyadong contact bukod sa panaka-nakang "musta" sa text). she's always been there for me, most of the time. para makicelebrate sa happiest times ng buhay ko, para maging hingahan ng sama ng loob during the dreariest hours, para maging source of moral support, tagapagsermon, tagapag-untog ng ulo ko sa pader sa mga panahong kelangan kong magising sa katotohanan.

she's the one who doesn't mince words pagdating sa kin, who would tell me what she thinks to my face, keber na kung magalit ako o ma-offend ako. at sya lang ang kaibigan kong hindi ako nangingiming awayin o sabihin nang diretso ang nasa isip ko, kahit alam kong argumento ang maaring kahinatnan, kasi alam kong kahit ano pang lala ng pagtatalo namin, mananatili pa rin kaming magkaibigan.

naaalala ko minsan, nag-away kami, nasabihan ko sya na minsan ayoko nang kinakausap sya dahil laging nahahantong sa argumento ang usapan namin. lagi kasi syang nangpo-provoke. madalas mangontra. "para kang nanay ko," sabi ko sa kanya. "you always put me on the defensive!" naiyak sya sa mga sinabi ko. hindi ko in-expect na didibdibin nya yon. kaya daw pala nararamdaman nyang parang lumalayo na ang loob ko sa kanya. na parang nawawala na ko. lalo akong natawa sa sinabi nyang yon. na lalo nyang ikinainis. in the end, after much apologies (kahit medyo natatawa pa rin ako), nag-reconcile pa rin kami. pero don ko na-realize kung gaano pala ako kamahal ng kaibigan kong to.

sa totoo lang, sa sampung taon na lumipas simula nang maging friends kami, i've felt that we've been evolving into very different persons. yan naman lagi ang problema sa long-term, long-distance friendships. nag-iiba na ang mga mundo nyo, nag-iiba na kayo ng interests, yung mga things-in-common, unti-unti na ring hindi nagiging common sa inyong dalawa. nakakalungkot. pero isa sya sa mga kasong siguro eh matuturing kong exceptional. kasi sa simula't sapul pa lang hindi ko nga mapinpoint kung pano kami naging magkaibigan. lagi kaming nagtatalo! ultimo sa pagpili ng resto na kakainan hanggang sa mga prinsipyo sa buhay, ibang-iba kami. pero siguro nga tama sya. siguro nga yun yung common thing na nagba-bind sa min--that we've agreed to disagree, and somehow look out for each other. critic to the other, defender of the other pag involved na ang ibang tao.

isang beses nung april, on the night before i was to leave for vietnam, bigla akong nagkaproblema sa former bossing at nanganganib na ma-postpone ang flight ko dahil sa isang nawawalang portfolio (hay, long story). sya ang unang tinawagan ko. at sya rin ang nagsabi sa kin na, ano ka ba, wala ka na dyan, wag mo nang problemahin yan, lilipad ka na bukas, kaya lumayas ka na dyan at kebs na sa kanila. syempre hindi ko sya sinunod. pero ang laking comfort. na meron akong kakampi. na merong mga dumadamay sa kin. at sobrang grateful ako sa kanya for that.

so she's leaving in a matter of days. masaya ko para sa kanya, kasi matagal na nyang pinapangarap na makapunta ng amerika. feeling daw kasi nya andun ang magiging buhay nya, na ang future nya--hindi lang financial, encompassing all aspects of life na ito--ay wala sa pilipinas. malungkot isipin dahil hindi ako sanay na wala sya dito pero optimistic ako para sa kanya. hoping and praying na mahahanap nga nya sa states ang lahat-lahat ng hindi nya nahanap dito sa pinas. fulfillment, self-actualization (haha, favorite naming term yan), success, maybe even love.

hay girl friend, mami-miss talaga kita. :-(

the love-hate relationship of jekyll and hyde

2:25 am. yawning already.

i wonder what he did on his birthday. i wonder if there was a party with the exclusive set of friends. wonder, wonder, argh. god forbid the wrongest persons should stumble upon this blog and put the pieces together. that would've been way too... movie-ish to happen in real life.

eh wala eh. masaya eh. light simple close-to-bliss happiness, sans the expectations, sans the doubts and the questions. the facts are in black and white, laid out on the table in plain sight. wala nang guessing games. it's just a matter of deciding which of the facts you would opt to (conveniently) ignore, if only to preserve the ideal image of the person in your head. dangerous kung seseryosohin mo, pero kung wala lang naman, and if that would make you happy for the moment, then why the hell not. at least masaya ang mga entries ko sa blog na to. at least di ba? hehe.

yawning, still. just have to finish this cigarette. the other day i went on somekinduva "date" with the same person i'd been somekinda "seeing" for some months now (oo, kahit naturingang fag-hag ako may pagka-semi active din naman ang social life ko no. hehe). masaya naman, baka nga sa ilang beses na nakasama ko tong taong ito nung isang araw lang yung masasabi kong truly enjoyable para sa kin, and i have a nagging suspicion that it was because i kept "screwing" the previous ones with my own self-defense mechanisms. pwede na nga siguro akong magsulat ng Idiot's Guide on How To Ruin a Date sa dinami-dami ng mga sablay ko when it comes to dating decorum. hahaha.

but on that day i was on my best behavior. kasi hihingi ako ng favor. ansama ano. but that was the least i could do to show him that i was grateful. showing him my best side. providing good company. and it wasn't hard, because the months that passed between us have somehow mellowed down the praning-ness in me. haha. dahil mas kilala ko na, somehow alam ko na kung pano i-handle ang sitwasyon, at alam ko kung anong level ng trust ang pwede kong ibigay. so the result was a chattier, more companionable, warmer me. halleluiah.

panahon lang naman pala ang katapat ko. haha. para mag-warm up sa tao, that is. at tratuhin syang kaibigan, at the very least. pero hindi ko alam kung may romantic promise ba ang premise ng storyang ito. kasi ang problema, romantic-idealist ako. nagpupumilit lang maging cynical for the sake of self-preservation, pero in deep, romantic. mushy. adik sa kilig. naniniwala sa fairy tales, sa "magic", sa konsepto ng Ideal Guy. at naniniwala din ako na pag na-meet mo ang isang tao, you will know. kung sya na nga ang taong matagal mo nang hinihintay.

ulch. that sounds cheesy. pero yun talaga ang pananaw ko.

ang problema kasi, may mga taong okay na siguro sa totoong mundo, yung tipong boto ang lahat ng kaibigan mo at buong pamilya mo, pero may nakikita ka pa ring kulang. not necessarily sa kanya; sa buong scenario in general. ewan. baka nga naman ganon naman talaga sa tunay na buhay. baka naman kelangan ko nang tigilan ang pagpapantasyang magkakaroon ako ng isang take-my-breath-away kinduva love affair some fine fine day. pati na rin yung favorite fantasy ko tungkol sa isang alternate universe, kung san straight ang mga bading crushes ko at naiin-love sila sa mga katulad ko. hahaha.

masaya, masaya. my favorite word. masaya naman talaga nung isang araw. parang kulang ang buong afternoon at evening. inosente, walang malisya, walang bahid ng "pamemechay", friendly, companionable. at least i've been in worse dates. i've been with more forgettable persons. in fairness to this guy. and whether he'd still be "around" one year from now or not, i'll always owe him the memories i've kept in Time Capsule #002. regardless of whatever, cause like i said before, there are certain things that a girl won't forget. kahit sino pang tao ang involved.

that's not to say, though, that there's a promise to anything or whatever, of any sort. at all. cause each time the optimistic jekyll in me surfaces, the self-preserving hyde always comes out to neutralize things. it's a defense mechanism that might have its downsides but it has saved me several times in the past. truth remains pa rin. lulutang at lulutang pa rin sya. kahit ano pang sabihin ko sa sarili ko, i still wouldn't want to have jekyll without the security of having hyde.

highlighted in neon pink

prensters na kami. wee.
he turned 34 today. haberday, most esteemed luminary/goddess of two worlds/ storytelling stalwart. may your brilliance rub off on lowly earth dwellers like me. at sana rin dumami pa ang mga kagaya mo.

hay. sayang talaga ang genes mo. who knows how many geniuses would have sprung out from the right combination of X and Y. my X, your Y. hehe. naiimagine ko na ang reaction ng mga badinggerzi friends ko habang binabasa nila 'to. hahahaha!

on our the third-to-the last shooting day, something memorable happened. i was gifted with a goodbye "beso". of course it meant nothing (hello? sinasabi pa ba yon!), pero syempre kilig-worthy pa rin. kasi first time ko syang naka-"beso". haha!

solved na ko sa "beso" e, masaya na kong makakauwi, pero nung may pahabol pa syang, "thanks, saffron.", shet, tumaas yata ang presyon ko for a microsecond. kasi first time din nya kong pinasalamatan nang personal at the end of a work day. syempre, feeling last-day na kasi kaming lahat at that time kaya nagpaulan na ng mga besos at thank-yous ang mga utaw, pero iba pa rin talaga ano, pag special yung tao. lalo na kung hindi kayo friends at malayong-malayo ang loob nya sa yo, at halos Q&A lang ang paminsan-minsanang pag-uusap nyo at work.

bookmarked pa rin ang lahat ng detalye. highlighted ang mga letra in neon pink. kahit alam mong wala lang yun sa tao, masaya ka pa rin. kebs na kung wala kang makitang logic sa pagiging masaya mo. basta masaya ka, tapos!

ahahay! napaka-exciting ng buhay ko, no. :-P

the old, the new, and the hybrids of both

this past week i have...
...gone to an out-of-town film shoot for four days straight
...trudged through an unimaginable volume of wet sticky mud all day and night (it was part of the set)
...shared temporary quarters with a local "stalwart" in underwater cinematography ("down-to-earth" is a mild word to describe her. ambait! i'd run out of superlatives.)
...cavorted in the amorsolic countryside for the first time in years
...rode on the backseat of a tricycle right beside the current Apple-of-my-Eye (a kilig-worthy memory, hahaha)
...ate like there was no tomorrow (and there always was...and each "tomorrow" would witness the pounds pile up virtually as fast as i could say "oink")
...dressed up in the morning sans the usual rituals (the new ritual was "Ligo, Punas, Bihis"--wala nang suklay-suklay, let alone face powder!) because of time constraints
...been getting myself tanned and shriveled from the exterior day-long shoots (and now i've been showing off my tan lines to anyone who'd comment about how dark i'd become. hahaha)
...cleaned the bathroom floor of hard-to-melt mud with an entire roll of one-ply tissue (one of the most euw-inspiring things i've done in recent memory. argh)
...lost my cellphone and got it back again (buti na lang nag-iba ko ng SIM card for the four-day shoot...at buti na lang kaibigan ko ang nakakuha)
...been almost completely cut off from the outside world, as far as cellphones are concerned (there were no cell sites for miles in the location where shooting would usually take place)
...taken about a thousand photos with my trusty digital camera (of nearly every scene, and nearly everyone, except, erm, Direk. go figure)
...been smiling more often than usual. argh.
...bought a book for the first time in months
...attended a classmate-friend's baby shower for the time ever (anubayun, childbearing age na pala kami. nagdadalaga pa lang ako eh)
...committed myself to a project which i'm convinced would do me good in the future. it may not exactly end up feeding the passions, but right now the pragmatic little devil in me is rearing its ugly head again. nah. it's not like i'm taking on a life-consuming, time-consuming, self-consuming job like the once i previously did for TV. this one's gonna be a walk in the park, compared to my erstwhile horror days. i think.
...been secretly enjoying someone's presence, sans the expectations (something i haven't experienced since the time of Frog Princess. aww)

i love being busy. i love being out there. i just want to keep going and going and not ever stay still, ever. work will always get in the way of the things i really want to do but this time around i know where the difference will lie. when back then i had let the work consume me, this time around i will set aside a portion of my time and thoughts to the labors-of-love.

find the time. if you can't find it, then friggin' make it. no excuses. work is not an alibi. at all.

hay, puro pep talk sa sarili. gawin mo na lang noh!