Sunday, July 26, 2009

3:03 am

after an entire day of wanton procrastination, now trying to reach my quota for early sunday morning: 1 finished body of the 4-body script. dahil may date ako with harry potter later.

deadline, tuesday. i figured that if i didn't clear my monday, i wouldn't be able to make it. kaya kinansel ko na ang ocular. hay. ganyan kalakas si harry potter sa akin. i'd cancel work but not my sunday with him. hehe.

today is kev1n sp@cey's birthday. gusto ko sanang batiin sya sa twitter. something like, "it's the 26th here in manila, hope you have a happy birthday!". kung sakali, it would've been my first direct correspondence with him. nung sp@cey years ko (1998-2000) ni isang fan letter hindi ako nagpadala sa kanya. ngayon pa ba, na hindi ko na sya crush?

sayang. if this happened 10 years ago, sobrang saya ko siguro. cartwheelin all over the place.

so ilang beses kong tinangka na i-message nga ito sa kanya. kaso pinanghihinaan talaga ako ng loob. i don't know why. what's to lose anyway, the dude doesn't know me from eve. saka di ko na rin naman sya crush. pero there's something...iffy about it. parang fan kasi ang dating. sobra. and i don't know why i'm not comfortable with being labeled a "fan". haha. basta. ang hirap i-explain kung bakit parang nakakahiya.

torpe. tseh.

procrastinated all day, re-landscaping my farm in farmtown. hay. ka-adik. ang sarap paglaruan.

okay, back to work.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

writing is a lonely job

so they say. in my experience so far, i think it really has to be that way. or else you'd miss your deadline.

just came from three days of scripting. natulog lang ako ng 6 hours, had dinner, went for a walk, then the SMS came: lockin tomorrow for the other show. hoohah. either you say dang! or you say thank you lord.

i say both. dang! ang hirap mag-switch modes after this particularly laborious 3-day convention with myself. from da youth show to the soap. pero thank you lord for the work, because it's better to be busy and earning. than to not be busy and earning. at all.

it's lonely when i'm facing that blank screen, waiting for the work to start by itself, buying time, stalling, procrastinating, smoking. and then forcing myself even during moments when i wasn't in the so-called Mood. fuelling myself (or so i thought) with all things oral (except the skanky kind). five pounds heavier, 10 days older since 3 days ago. was just about to recharge mehn. pero okay lang. gusto ko to. may raket pa in the sidelines waiting, begging for my attention but that will have to wait. and hirap, honestly. ang hirap mag-switch modes. or tamad lang ako by nature, a one-track-mind, a hedonist since birth, kaya nahihirapan akong disiplinahin ang sarili. huy. dapat nagbabasa ka na ng script ngayon in time for tomorrow. dapat tinitingnan mo na ang mga bagay-bagay para sa raket para makagalaw na kayo.

pero eto ako. nanood ng devil's advocate (i'd seen this film more than 10 times, i think, in the past 10 years). pero this time around it isn't because of keanu. i was focusing on al and damn, it's so weird, i'm FIXATED on him all of a sudden, michael corleone has become al pacino and i'm confused, who is who, why am i suddenly fascinated by the guy who played the romanticized italian dude in the Godfather. it must have been the deadlines. it must have been the lonely nights. you have to be lonely while writing. you can't go out, you can't chat long with friends. otherwise hindi mo magagawa ang trabaho. there are things that you really just have to do alone.

so eto. tomorrow. and after tomorrow, another two days na bubunuin sa harap ng aking mahal na laptop. writing through the wee hours. welcoming loneliness. not with a sad face, no. with a smile. you will get used to it. you will miss everyone, you will miss going out and having out of town trips. you will miss a lot of things but it's the price you'll have to pay. give some to get some.

sana lang ma-maintain ko pa rin ang balance. kahit between two things nga lang eh. it's the social life that's the first to go. but i will have to strike a balance between work and love.

i miss my bosobear. i miss pinching his fat chubby sides.
al pacino is such an intriguing figure. sana ka-henerasyon ko na lang sya. nao-off kasi talaga ako dahil sobrang tanda na nya. basta. to me he will forever be michael corleone.

haha. loneliness makes the weird even weirder.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

sunday, bloody sunday

this is going to be my hardest job for the show yet. because i'm starting with nuggets and expected to deliver a full loaf of bread. on tuesday. and today i'm still making sense of the nuggets, still trying to put them all together.

waah. i'm scared.

and i want a bath first.
i want my first meal for the day.
i want a cigarette.
i want to indulge my al pacino-obsessing self.


i saw the godfather trilogy again, a week ago. na-realize ko na crush ko si al pacino as michael corleone. the michael corleone of godfather 1 and 2. not only because of the quiet dark sicilian looks. the total package. quiet, sure-footed, brilliant, confident, sophisticated. yung tipong pag binigay mo ang buhay mo sa kanya para alagaan, kayang kaya ka nyang dalhin. kayang kaya ka nyang buuin. o sirain.

i've always feared that kind of man, but strangely i've always found myself attracted to him as well. siguro, nung past life ko, na-in love ako sa ganong klaseng lalake.

al pacino the actor is ok. but michael corleone wins my heart. pero dahil i've come to associate michael with al pacino, intrigued na rin ako kay al pacino. lagi siyang associated din with two of my past crushes --- keanu and kevin, pero ngayon ko lang talaga siya tinitingnan in a new light. matagal ko na ring alam na magka-birthday kami--he turned 40 the day i was born--pero ngayon lang siya nagka-relevance. haha.

galing ni coppola. he creates those worlds so convincingly, i'm drawn to it. they're romanticized in my head. the godfather world, the dracula world, the apocalypse now world. galing galing.

hay. kaya ko ba to nang hindi male-late?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

6:28 am

lord, please. gusto nang makatulog. dahil by 12 kailangan ko na namang gumising. waah. huhu. gusto ko lang makatulog.

gusto kong gumawa ng kwento tungkol sa isang taong hindi makatulog. yun lang ang objective nya, ang makatulog.

splina, vitaplus, kung anu-ano na. hindi sila pampatulog, mga supplements sila. para makabawi. kasi napaka-unhealthy ng buhay dilat. paano kaya kung adik pa ko. taena, ngayon lang naman ako nagkakaganito. yung 4 hours lang this past week, except pag inaapoy ako ng lagnat. hindi ako nagrereklamo, mas masaya naman ang buhay ko ngayon kesa say, many many months ago, gusto ko lang talagang makatulog. all else i think i can handle, except insomnia, at this point.

because bedtime puts a period on a bad day. it gives you hope, that tomorrow you will wake up feeling better. because sleep can be an escape, a way to momentarily forget, even for 8 hours. or 6. and tomorrow is another day.

mabuti na lang gising na si keanna. at hinahayaan nya kong yakapin ko sya. she doesn't hug me back, but that's okay. masaya na ko na pinapabayaan lang nya ko.

i love my keanna. pero gusto ko na talagang matulog.

malamang may nakapagsulat na ng kwento tungkol sa isang taong insomniac na gustong matulog. pero ilalagay ko pa rin sa baul, kahanay ng mga characters na naghahanap ng yosi sa hatinggabi.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

sick leave for a day

at 1pm i woke up with fever, aching muscles, coughs, and a throat that seemed to have something in it. i was bent on keeping with the day's itinerary--preprod at 3pm and brainstorm at 5pm, but my mother threatened to disown me if i didn't stay home. at masama talaga ang timpla ko kanina.

right now, though, i feel guilty. something in me says na dapat humabol ako. after all, i feel better now, kahit may lagnat pa rin at nahihilo-hilo.for a moment natakot ako na baka swine flu ito. pero kung ok ok na ko ngayon, siguro trangkaso lang dala ng pagod at puyat. nagi-guilty din ako, dahil kasalanan ko din. kung maaga akong natutulog at hindi sumo-sonia mode baka mas may energy at resistance. dang.

naiisip ko minsan hindi na nga talaga ako bata. madali na kong mapagod, madaling dapuan ng sakit. o baka kulang lang ako sa exercise. haha. at kulang sa healthy sleeping habits.

at least i can use this day to recharge and recover. at masaya ako sa fact na knock on wood, mukhang trangkaso lang naman ito. siguro kailangan ko ding mag-catchup sa backlog na nagpapatong-patong. kawawa naman ang raket na isa. wala akong kwenta sa preprod. antagal ko nang hindi nagdidirek, parang ngayon hindi ko na alam kung paano nga ba mag-isip ang isang direktor. parang kailangan ko pang halukayin sa loob ko yug direktor in me.

ironic. dahil for the longest time, i'd always thought that i was a director at heart. hehe.

sana energetic ako when i get back to work bukas.

wide awake at 7:42 am (on me, me, me mode)

which is no big deal, if you just woke up. but i'd been up since yesterday, at around 3 pm. just finished a script and did a photofinish submission. pagod na ang katawan ko, pero gising na gising pa rin ang utak ko.

no big deal ang me, me, me. because i'm in my 20s (may one year pa ko, hehe). the me years. yey. so sorry there.

i'm not even feeling physically well. i'm starting to get really scared of swine flu. ayokong magka-swine flu. kasi wala akong ipambabayad sa hospital, kung sakali. july has been a financially challenging month, with the other show being on hiatus (from our team), and with lots of necessities to shell out on. argh.

ginawa ko na lahat.
uminom ng soup.
uminom ng bioflu.
nagyosi.
at eto, magba-blog.

sana may productive naman akong gawin. sana naman di ba.

parang ganito ba si mj? am i tortured by anything? why have i been missing out on sleep lately? why can't i be asleep like a baby by 2 in the morning?

actually, screwed up lang ang body clock ko. buo naman ang tulog ko, kaso ang goodnight sa akin, umaga. ang good morning, hapon. which just sucks if you're in this part of the world. you miss out on a normal day's worth of events.

all the more that it sucks when you have a long day ahead, and are required to be up before 2 pm. it's almost 8 am, and dang. your head aches when you don't have enough sleep. which is something that i'm not looking forward to. because the two meetings today require a sound, functioning mind. lord, sana magkahimala. sana manggaling sa kapuyatan ang creative and organizational energy ko.

sana lord, magkahimala.
sana din lord, wala akong swine flu, at praning lang ako.
sana din, makatulog na ko soon. waah.

isa pang ka-angst-angst: dahil sa trabaho, bosobear day may have to be postponed today. well, not complaining, really. gusto mo ng pera, magtrabaho ka. make it your priority. kaya hindi ako nagko-complain. kaso i had my mind all set for a weekend off.

and now, the other show beckons. okay. bring it on. we need the moolah anyway.
i've been real tired lately. it's the screwed up body clock. sana, magkamilagro at bumalik ako sa "fresh into creative work" mode. para buhay pa. para dumadaloy ang dugo, at bumubulwak-bulwak pa.

nakakatawa lang yung isang picture ni obama na nakita ko sa internet. that one with him and the french president seeming to check out a girl's butt. kadiri pa yung expression sa mukha nya e--parang natatakam. hahaha. but a video of that actual event was shown, hindi naman pala. pictures can be so deceiving sometimes. even real life can be so deceiving sometimes.

naaawa ako sa isang kasama.
well, i vacillate between awa and inis. naaawa ako pag may nangyayaring katulad nung kagabi. pero naiinis ako once he starts talking. cause he won't stop!

especially when he starts talking about himself. whoa. i tune out. i switch channels. pero hanggang dun lang naman ang inis ko. and i share this inis with others, peron nothing personal.

naaawa lang ako pag nararamdaman akong feeling nya, ostracized sya. cause i've known the feeling of what it's like to be ostracized. at kahit justified man o hindi, my heart goes out to anyone who at any point in their lives have felt that way. unless murderers sila. or rapists.

ayan na, nararamdaman ko na. morpheus is at my door. take me, o take me, but remember to bring me back home.

i miss bosobear. waaah. i realized just last night (while watching footage of him on my phone) that there's an amiable innocence in that face of his. the way his eyes move, the way he looks at people. mukha siyang mabait. unlike me. mwaha.

well. looks can be deceiving. haha. gusto kong isipin na lang yon. kasi in deep, parang naive pa ata ako. bordering on tanga, sometimes. gusto ko namang maniwalang matalino ako, na pwedeng mangyari na ang isang tao could be tanga and matalino at the same time, pero kung hindi naman...parang okay lang. between mabait and matalino, siguro mas gugustuhin ko na lang maging mabait. mainit sa impyerno e. di na nga ako makatulog.

wala nang sense ang pinagsasabi ko.
gusto kong kumain ng almusal.

i miss my blog entries of 2006. i sounded less stupid then.
and i was using the english language more fluently. ngayon, jologs ako. hindi maikakailang pusakal. walang breeding.

pakinangsyet. good nightzzz poh.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

time for time management, now na

script deadline on saturday morning. matagal pa, kaso ang daming distractions. nagka-meeting kanina, at ngayon kakauwi ko lang. ni hindi ko pa natatapos ang isang body ng script ko.

tapos bukas, meeting tomorrow at 4pm. feeling ko mga 10 or 11 pm na naman ako makakauwi. sana earlier. sana by 8pm home na ko. tapos from there, dire-diretso na ko. kaso thursday na bukas. kailangan kong matapos ang script before friday afternoon dahil...

...may production meeting for a raket on friday afternoon. gusto ko pag-upo ko doon, wala na kong deadline na inaalala. gusto ko mag-focus na ko sa mga dapat gawin for this project, kahit sunday ako magsimulang mag-preprod concerns. hindi ko mabibigay ang sabado ko, dahil...

bosobear day sa sabado. yey.

sa monday, feedback meeting. possibly, a meeting with the raket clients earlier that day.

so eto na saffron. time management lang ang kailangan para masunod ang mga plano. do the mostest in the shortest time. time is gold. time is money. time is love. dahil pag di nasunod ang mga plano, domino effect yan.

kaya ayus-ayusin mo you procrastinatress. better finish that script before friday afternoon.