hello, penultimate

Monday at 1am. week 9, done. yey. usually, tuesday night natatapos ang isang script week. usually, 7 days an isang script week. wednesday ako nagstart ng week 9. tinulungan na ko sa treatment ng cm/hw for days 2 and 3. medyo mabilis this time. medyo lang.

parang hinahatak mo, bawat araw. Monday episode...Tuesday ep...pagdating ng Wednesday, pagod ka na. nasanay ka kasi ng 3 script days lang. pero sa 7 script weeks na nasulat mo so far, somehow lumalakas na ang resistensya mo.  pagkain at monster at e-cig at kape lang ang katapat nyan, mairaraos mo din ang Thursday at Friday ep.

Pag  binasa nila, ambilis lang. in a matter of minutes, done. Lalo na pag pinanood. Di nila alam, bawat episode...parang bowel movement...parang panganganak. hindi ako batikan o datihan, ilang taon pa lang akong nagsusulat at first time ko mag-isa under a cm/headwriter. kaya para sa akin hindi biro iraos ang bawat araw. bawas-ganda, dagdag-timbang every single writing day.

hindi ako nagrarant. halong rant and rave, actually. dahil kahit tunog reklamo...the fact na kinukwento ko...ibig sabihin chinecherish ko ang experience. naeenjoy ko ang adventure. i don't like talking about the things that are truly rant-able. at least not online.

natutuwa ako na penultimate na. kasi 2nd script ko pa lang noon, umiiyak na ko sa stress. takot akong mag-fail. takot akong makadisappoint. takot akong malate (kahit takot ako, late pa rin most of the time). di ko inisip na i'd make it this far. 13 weeks airing, 11 scripts, 9 of them with me as epw. hindi kami phenomenal, hindi kami extended (actually, natutuwa ako sa fact na to) pero thank you lord sa experience. thank you po talaga for something new. a chance to spread my wings and grow. it wasn't something that i had wanted so badly to do, pero kaya siguro binigay kasi it was something i needed to do. (para masulit ang monthly rf).

basta po, thank you lord. malapit sa puso ko ang project na 'to. it didn't come from me, but i helped raise it and came to love it as my own. parang si carissa kay francis lang.

thank you thank you lord.  

week 7 day 3 ongoing

in a perfect world, i'd take my time. make it as close to my version of perfect, nurture it like a mother gestating her own child.

pero ang realidad, there's no time to take. no time to waste. no time to catch "the mood" or whatever. time is gold and every minute counts, especially when the show is airing.  lagi kong pantasya ang daanan ang bawat scene-to-do na parang bagyo at magsubmit on time---or much better, before deadline. pantasya ko rin ang tirahin na lang nang tirahin without careful thought or consideration, at least for the first pass. matapos lang sya, mabuo lang sya. tapos itutulog ko sya. at kinabukasan, saka ako mageedit. i can take all the time that i need, kasi if worse comes to worst at kinailangan na nila ang script, may maisasubmit akong buo at kumpleto.

yun ang pangarap ko. because i would love a day off every week, thank you very much. but slowpokes and procrastinators and comfort-seeking creatures do not deserve days off. not when they have work to do and deadlines start to overlap one another.

between passing on time with mediocre work and passing late with work that you can call passable at the very least, ano ang mas magaan sa dibdib? dahil may cm naman na nagpapasada sa scripts ko siguro mas pracitcal nga to make deadlines my foremost priority. ok na yung di masyadong bonggang output basta may makukuha naman si cm at may enough time pa makapagprepare ang lahat to shoot it.

pero iba ang pakiramdam pag nakakalusot kay cm ang trabaho mo na hindi mo ikinatutuwa. pag napapanood mo sya at nalulugmok ka dahil pakramdam mo, panira. mabigat sa dibdib. di ko gusto. someday---after three or four or five more shows probably---makukuha ko rin ang relative bilis na kailangan at ang gandang nagniningning na kinauhuhumalingan. sana, sana.

hoy. magtrabaho ka na. 3 more script days. lets friggin GOGOGOGO

no rest for the slowpoke

week 6 done on friday night. week 7, begin asap. kahit wala pang directives.
kaloka ang life. so this is how it feels. ang tumao sa tindahan with only your boss bilang kasama. your world will revolve around the project. your life will be defined by deadlines. the project will be the last thing you think about at night and the first thing you think about in the morning. katatapos mo lang ng previous week, next week na agad ang iisipin mo.

but there are moments, rewarding moments, when i'm inside myself, immersed in the work, nakasakay sa jeep na umaarangkada. maraming nabubuo sa loob ng apat na sulok ng isang kwarto. maraming nabubuo nang di mo namamalayan. minsan ginagawa mo na lang sya on autopilot mode, pero by some miracle mas okay pa yung in-autopilot mo kesa dun sa kinarir mo. (subconscious writing? yun ba yun?). minsan maiisip mong bigla to throw in an element. and the element comes alive. pinasakay mo sila sa jeepney, pinaamoy mo sya sa t-shirt, pinag-date mo sila spontaneously, almost kiss, almost touch, nakulong sa cabinet, naisip mong ipasabi sa isang character ang isang linya, and then the next day everything falls into place pag pinapanood mo na... yung naisip mo spontaneously, nakikita mo na... nagrereact ang mga tao... sobrang bonus pa kung matuwa sila. minsan babalikan mo yung moment kung kailan mo yun naisip--- teka, antokyo japan na ako non, niraraos ko na lang nung time na yon para matapos na---and you realize the irony. minsan pala kahit pagod ka na hindi ka dapat tumitigil. kasi kahit akala mo wala nang mapipiga sa utak, meron pa pala. hindi ka lang conscious about it.

i'm in my adolescent stage as a writer for this format, yes. first time alone, emerging into adulthood on my own, and so far i'm enjoying the experience. with child like wonder.  for now i live and breathe for the show, i'm in there heart and soul. but will only be in there for as long as I need to. stressfull ang working conditions ng isang umeere, for all parties especially those on the field, and things most unexpected can happen. pag nawala ang isang artista, rewrite. buwag ang ginawa mo. ang sakit sa puso, grabeng panghihinayang. pero kakayanin kong magdetach. kakayanin kong idisown. to save myself from heartache. because life is short, and i have a life outside of work.

for now, though, fight fight fight. at the start of every week i am filled with hope---this week, i will meet my deadline. this week, i will submit early. this week, i will actually fulfill my promises. week 7.... magsasubmit tayo on time. AT MAGANDA. AT ON TIME. simula na ang mga pasabog. life and death na ito. beyond kilig, beyond almost kisses, beyond car chases. time to live inside myself again, and put everything else (including life) on hold.

lord, help us with week 7. 7 weeks na lang... LETS DO THISSS!!!!

like apples and oranges

and you...are...hot.
like freshly baked apple pie straight out of the oven.
especially when you make those, um, moves? (okay. cougar alert). i would love to borrow you for a day mother you til the cows come home. (mother? where the hell did that come from? haha)

pero hindi ikaw ang tipong gagawing  boyfriend. let alone wife.  hanggang labas lang ang appeal mo. which works just fine with me. you pretty little boy <3

but you. yes, you! you are the juice in orange juice. those little juicy tidbits.
nilalamon mo ang screen. lalo na pag light ka. you're maturity and depth, playfulness and charm, sensuality and smolder in one awesome, yummysome package. you're the type a girl would want to date exclusively boyfriend material. substance and frills.

pero mas guwapo pa rin yung little boy. hehe. at tingin ko, straight sya. ikaw? hmm. parang crush kita e. so you must be gay. hehe.

um, wait. oh, i forgot! i'm married. hehe. buti na lang napakasecure sa sarili ng mister ko. who, by the way,  can be a hybrid of appleboy and orangeguy ... if he really really wants to be. :-)

DEADLINE. Last freaking script day. dapat tonight. and what am i frickin doing? playing cougar and going ga-ga over apples and oranges. HELLO. magtrabaho ka na para makapag-day off ka naman. Week 6 almost done. 8 weeks na lang!!!! faster beeyatch!!!!

thorns and feathers

week 5, in. late again. :-(

another thorn pulled out. another feather on this slowpoke's cap. yes, i'm an optimist. every script week that i survive, i consider a personal achievement. kasi ngayon lang ako nakaranas maging mag-isa at solely responsible tulad nito.

hindi ko alam kung ilang feathers/thorns pa ang mahuhugot/masusulot ko. bibilis pa kaya ako? i will it. i will it. i will it. is speed of thought proportional to mental intelligence? so does this mean medyo bobo ako? haha.

focus actually. focus. discipline. yun ang nagdedelay sa akin. that feeling of discomfort, of being stuck in a difficult mental hurdle, i try to avoid as much as i can. so i candycrush muna. i eat muna. or play with my cat. or with my babygirl. or with my bigbrownosobear. or i write here.

discipline. focus. i will have it by week 6. walang choice. ikukulong na ako para masigurong hindi ma-late. i kinda like it. kasi sa totoo lang ... hindi ako makatanggi sa anak ko pag naglulupasay na sya at umiiyak ng "Mama....Mama ko..." (heartwrenching :-()   at pag nasa bahay ka, meron at meron pa ring iistorbo sa yo.

discipline. focus.  SPEED! you will be mine by week 6. MINE!

you know that feeling. one of the worst feelings when you write, and you finish something that you don't like. horrible feeling.  hindi ko alam kung anong mas horrible ang feeling, that or when you have finished something you think ain't so bad... and then feedback meeting comes, it gets bashed to pieces. yes, that hurt more. way more. it happened to me once. he broke my heart. napabili ako ng phone nang di oras, just to make me feel better.

the boss broke my heart, but repaired it again. with band aids and pins, two weeks later. he gave me this gift. i hope i can do this gift justice. til the very airing end.

another week to begin tomorrow. :-) help me lord.

hello august... !

just finished paspasin a madaliang 1-day script for taping tomorrow. stress. sumakit ang bagang ko. sakit sa dibdib magpasa ng alam mong di mo pinulido. naiinggit ka bigla sa mga katrabaho mong nakapanood ng c1nem@laya field trip today at nilibre pa ng bossing ng late dinner.

13 weeks kami. 5 scripts down. 8 to go. yehey. 8 na lang! mabilis na lang yon.. ewan ko di ba dapat magpray ako na mas marami pang scripts para mas maraming sweldo? haha. susko. nasabak ako sa whirlwind uli after a long time in a placid little stream. pero tulad nga ng sabi nila... all bodies of water lead to the ocean. and you have to learn to swim, all by yourself.

i just want to finish all those 8 scripts with me getting faster and better each week. i pray. i will it. i'm fighting lord. thanking you for every tidbit of learing everytime, for every little joy and every little triumph, for every little fulfilling thing about this job.

day 2 deadline is tomorrow. non negotiable. wala pang treatment. papahinga muna ako.

week 4...done

thank you lord. dami kong gustong gawin ngayong tapos na ang week 4. pero i only have 1 day to do all that.

lord, thank you for helping me. faster times up ahead. shorter rest periods. please help me lord. thank you for finished work. i've been dreaming of this moment since two weeks ago.

the worst time to write a blog entry

is when you're trying to meet a deadline. but i just have to say something about the  whirlwind stuff that's been happening to me these days. the enormous change that's about to happen to my working life in the next several months.

make or break time. do or die. sink or swim. and i am not exaggerating. OHO sooo not.

nung isang araw naghihintay ako sa office. for a meeting with a bossing. dreading the minutes, hours...the agonizing wait. sabi ko sa sarili ko, maghihintay kaya ako hanggang 10pm...para lang masermonan? principal's office ba ito? batcave? ano? thing is... i had no idea. absolutely no idea why i had been called.

well, not absolutely. may faint idea naman. and, well, to be honest i was uber nervous. expecting the worst hoping for the best. i was imagining how the dialogue would go. the worst lines, really. but what i didnt expect was that two days later i would be thrust in the middle of a new project. yep, this sink or swim make or break do or die be punctual or be dead new project.

so here i am. hyperventilating. scared. to death. super. praying. for the frist time in quite some time. lord. please. help me fight. help me pull this off. til the very finale. til the very final closing billboard. i want to do this right. i want to pull this off. please. help me. please.

i feel like i'm being tossed into a den of lions. superprime. rush. no headwriter. and little slowpoke pentium-1 me as the only one in there. and to say that i am not terrified would be an utter complete lie. i am terrified beyond comprehension. but there are only two options, really. eat the lions or be eaten. win or lose. sink or swim. my head is above water but i will do my very best to stay afloat til the very very end.

i haven't wanted something this badly for a long time. at least where work is concerned. please lord. please. help me. just a little dint of brilliance. just a little dint of speed. please lord. help me.

To-Dos when the Things-to-Do are Done

when i'm working on something for many days straight, the To-Dos pile up. so here are the latest items on my To-Dos-When-the-TTDs-are-Done:

1. bathe the persian. ilang linggo na syang di nakakapagwarm-water-bath. pero kahit ganon...hongganda at hindi naman mabaho ang babycat ko :-)

2. arrange my closet. hindi na ako magpopost ng picture ng closet ko. baka madepress lang kayo. :-P

3. clean up the litter box (4 na araw na yatang may persian droppings dito. in fairness walang nangangamoy ha).  no pics either. baka kumakain kayo. 

4. wax the legs. ARGH. tried today but the line was so dang long. kainis. someday pag nagkaroon ako ng multimillions isa sa mga business options ko ang franchise ng waxing salon na ito. next to a franchise of Jco. hehe. 

5. go to the derma for diamond peel/facial. availed of a 5k 1-year promo for diamond peel and facial. bongga. kaso dahil sa kabusyhan ng life i skipped around three weeks. eh balak ko kasing sulitin. hehe. today--mission accomplished. daming nilinis sa fezlack. gross!

6. go to another clinic for 2nd LHR UA session. oo, puro kakikayan ang pinag-aatupag kong TTDs these days. availed another 5k-16month promo for laser hair reduction for UA at a clinic near my workplace. i attempted to accomplish this today kaso kailangan pa palang magpasked. argh. 

7. get a maniped at my favorite maniped salon. kakikayan na naman. kung kailan nag-asawa at nagkaanak saka umarte nang todo. hehe. sorry naman. was planning to do this today kaso kasama ko ang anak ko and it's really hard to be mobile when you're with a babygirl. you can only go to at least 3 places for an afternoon, at kailangan naka-cab kayo. 

8. canvas prices for a samsung galaxy S-II or S-III. oo, mortal na kasalanan ang pinaplano kong gawin. ang bumili ng bagong phone para palitan ang phone kong wala pa ngang isang taon na nasa akin. eh pano nabubwisit ako sa kabagalan nitong samsung galazy y duos ko. bought it in an online sulit shop for 5k and i'm starting to seriously doubt if it's the orig thing. baka class A. ARGH. i hate it pag bumibili ako ng mura tapos panget pala yung nabili ko. sa sobrang bwisit ko gusto ko na tuloy bumili sa mall kahit ano pa ang presyo. at least assured ako na original at compatible sa candy crush ang phone.  tsktsk. di ako dapat magastos. which brings me to...

9. make top-up for sunlife mutual fund. the NAVPs have dropped noticeably these past few days. a good time to take advantage. ito ang pangbalanse sa spending ways ko-- basta makapagtabi ako sa mf investment, i don't feel as worse about spending as i would if i hadn't saved something at the same time. 

went out with the babygirl today. she's almost three now and is sooo talkative. diretso na magsalita. and there this innocence to her talkativeness that makes even the most indifferent stranger smile. siguro biased lang talaga ako, pero nakakatuwa ang anak namin. hahaha.  

My Fling with Online Selling

Mahirap magkaroon ng kabit. Kasi pag may kabit ka, hindi lang puso mo ang nahahati sa pagitan ng kabit at asawa. Pati oras at atensyon.

Eh importante pa naman ang oras ko. More important than money, actually. Kaya nga simula nang "nagpakasal" na ako sa trabaho ko 4 years ago, tumatanggi na ako sa mga "kabit" (ibang raket) na aagaw ng oras at atensyon ko away from my day job.

Kaso eto, lately...nadarang ako. Bigla akong nagka"kabit"---an online buy and sell business. Di ko alam kung bakit bigla akong pumasok dito...siguro kasi dahil kay C0layc0. Siguro dahil naexcite akong bigla to invest in other instruments. At siguro dahil naiinis ako sa sarili ko na ang gastos ng mga "bisyo" ko and buying and selling was my way of keeping my vice expenses at bay. Might as well pagkakitaan na ang pinagkakaluhuan.

So I started, and it grew. And it excited me. I was never good at math, but this brought out the mathematician in me. Haha. Computing figures. Thinking of strategies. Even the menial jobs, like packing my wares for shipping, somehow excited me. The prospect of my money earning me more money in a relatively short span of time was---for lack of a milder word--a turn-on. Barya lang ang kita per item kumpara sa kinikita sa day job, pero sa bawat baryang kinikita ng maraming items na nabebenta, naaamaze ako. Sa bilis ng balik ng capital. Sa percentage ng balik. Ke maliit o malaki o moderate ang capital mo, it's the percentage of returns that I was looking at, and I was happy most of the time. Kasi yun ang tipong hindi maibibigay sa yo ng bangko. Not even mutual funds or stocks or any other investments. Kasi yung mga yon for the long term. Pero ito, money back plus profit in WEEKS. 20%. Even 60% on good days.

Kaya addictive siya. Kasi I have not done someting like this before in my life. I had never thought I could actually sell anything, salestalk anyone into buying ANYTHING. Pero pag naniniwala ka pala sa isang bagay, hindi mo kailangan ng salestalk. your faith in the product just flows out naturally hanggang sa makumbinse na rin yung nakikinig sa yo.

So naging full-fledged "mistress" ko ang mini-negosyo kong ito. At naging busy ang mga araw ko bukod sa trabaho. Kumain ng oras ko. Nearly every single day I was always rushing about, processing orders, shipping stuff, computing prices, texting/emailing/correponding with clients online. Buti na lang nagkataon na hindi toxic sa day job, kaya hindi nagkakabanggaan ang asawa at kabit. So for quite some time I carried on with the fling, and I was happy.

Kaso eto na. Nakakahalata na si misis. Nagiging demanding na si kerida. Umaagaw na ng oras at atensyon. At hindi lang oras at atensyon...pati puso ko gusto na nyang agawin. Dahil high pa rin ako sa tamang pagkainlove sa bago kong negosyo, may mga oras na nagtatrabaho ako pero nasa negosyo ang puso at isip ko. Para bang mas gusto ko pang asikasuhin ang negosyo kesa trabahuhin ang dapat trabahuhin.

Nakakadisturb. Lalo na ngayon, dahil paparating na naman ang kabusyhan days. I am bound to have less time for the mistress, and whether I like it or not i will have to decline moneymaking opportunities for the sake of the day job.

confused. inlab. happy ako dahil ang tagal bago ko nagain ang trust ng madlang netizens na clientele ko. ngayon ko pa lang talaga naeenjoy ang reputasyon na slowly ay nabuild ko over a few months of honest and easy transactions. pero paano na yan kapag kailangan ko na syang bitawan. ayoko syang bitawan. pero nakakadisturb itong nararamdaman ko. na mas naeexcite pa ako sa "kabit" ko kesa sa "asawa" ko.

and then ito na. nagkaproblema ako sa website kung saan ako kumukuha ng mga clients. sinuspend ako. for the past two days, sobrang bad trip ako sa website. because every single friggin day that my online shop is not accessible to potential buyers, i am losing potential profit. gusto ko silang gyerahin dahil hindi naman ako dapat sinuspend.

pero naisip ko ngayon lang...siguro blessing in disguise na rin. maybe it's god telling me, SET YOUR FRIGGIN PRIORITIES STRAIGHT. you can't take in a wife and a mistress and keep them both happy at the same time. magsulat ka, beeyatch, dahil yan ang pinakasalan mong trabaho. yan ang first love mo, ang true love mo, ang dugo at buhay ng working life mo, ang bread and butter and marmalade mo, ang dahilan kung bakit nagkaroon ka ng capital para magnegosyo on the side ngayon. ang barubal mo lang kung mas mamahalin mo pa yung "kabit" mo kesa sa tunay mong "asawa" na syang nagbigay sa iyo ng lahat.

so yes, lord. i'm listening. got stuff to do for work over the weekend. will focus on that. the "mistress" will take a backseat this time. okay lang kahit matagalan bago maubos ang mga stocks ko, bago makuha ang kita at capital. okay lang kahit yung mga dating suki na lang ang maging clients ko. i can only give a small portion of my time and attention to this business. i can only give a small portion of my heart. because any old beeyatch can sell a bunch of meds or a box of glutathione. but not everyone can write. I should always, always remember that, and be grateful. and set my priorities straight.

kasi ang "asawa" ko, may mga anak na ako sa kanya. marami na. at dadami pa in the next many many years. the labors of love bind me to my job. because of those labors of love, the job becomes so much more than just a job. siguro sa mga panahon na nauubusan ako ng gasolina...na nagsestray ako...balikan ko ang labors of love na yon, and iba pang dahilan kung bakit ako nagsusulat bilang karera. aside from the money. because not everything is about money, bluey blue. it's good to be financially literate. but don't fall into the trap of materialism. it's just as bad as ambition, and look how ambition almost broke you. don't fall into another trap again.
 

kumusta naman?

kumusta naman yung same ang concerns mo one week later?
kumusta naman yung karambola ang mangyari sa workload mo?
kumusta naman yung alas 3 na ng hapon at ang sarap lang magkape habang kumakain ng hopiang ube?
kumusta naman yung namiss mo biglang mag-abroad?
kumusta naman yung may utang ka pang sequence treatment at napakapasaway mo nang tao talaga? (ha? ha??)
kumusta naman yung gusto mo lang ng isang araw na wala kang gagawin kundi maghilata?

eh kumusta naman yung puro kumuta naman ang laman ng blog na pinag-aaksayahan mo ng panahong sulatan?

happy sunday. smile!

and...it's...done.

2 days late. dinaig pa ang script taena.
sorry for the foul mouth. it's just that sometimes...it feels like you're walking with lead on both feet. para bang may humihila sa yo pabalik at di ka makausad. at hirap na hirap ka. at wala kang kagana gana.

pag ganun ang pakiramdam ko, usually, the project does not push through. or the presentation doesn't. or whatever. whatever the outcome, at least i'm done for the night.

oh, hindi pa pala. nagpromise ako na magsasubmit ng treatment today. for a concept na hirap na hirap akong isipin kung paano patatakbuhin ng 5 gaps.

demmet. why can't i be a genius like you? idol na talaga kita.

Happy 2013!

This year, I promised to respect other people's time. Which means I should never be late for a meeting or a deadline again.

Wala pang isang linggo, binreak ko na nang ilang beses ang resolution/promise ko. Mas madaling sabihin kasi. Sorry naman Papa Neo Year.

Hay, time. Such a precious commmodity. Even more precious than money. You lose money, you can get back the same exact equivalent. You lose time, it's gone forever. Every second, every moment is unique. It can't be replaced.

I really should save time. I really should learn how. It's not in moving quickly, cause I move real quick if I need to, can even outwalk someone twice my size if I'm running late. It's in THINKING quickly. Processing quickly. Cause dun ako tumatagal. Pwede kayang maimprove yon? Or am i really just wired this way?

FOCUS. Another thing that I need. So badly. Lately.

Hay! Happy new year! Para lang may maipost dito. Getting to need this blog less and less as I grow older. Bad sign?