Christmas is for family

thank you, lord, for this day. a day with nothing work-related to do. (except for one itty bitty thing in preparation for tomorrow's brainstorming).

sa mahabang relationship ng dalawang tao, nagbabago bago ang ratio ng pagmamahal/emotional engagement nila para sa isa't isa. minsan nasa puntong mas nagmamahal si tao1 kesa kay tao 2, minsan naman vice versa.

kami ng anak kong si babybear, nasa isang magandang stage ngayon. a parent's love for his/her child is constant and unwavering, kaya sa relasyong magulang at anak, usually it's the child who changes.  kaya ko nasabing maganda ang stage na ito sa relasyon namin dahil at this point, ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagmamahal para sa akin ng anak ko. at 5 years old, she's not too clingy anymore, but she needs me, and wants to be with me, and always looks forward to mama-baby time together. and being the child that she is, she doesn't hold back her feelings, she loves us and lets us know it (following my example, perhaps. hehe). and that makes me love her even more. so the circle of love, the giving and receiving, is alive and well between my daughter and me--and between her and her father, too!-- which creates happy memories every day, even in something as simple as playing plants vs zombies together, or watching Inside Out together, or talking at bedtime.

alam ko darating din ang panahon na hindi sya magiging ganito kaloving sa amin. hindi mababawasan ang pagmamahal, mas lalalim ito, pero hindi na sya magiging kasingdemonstrative like she is at 5 years old. she will need me less. she will be less attentive. growing up she will eventually realize na--oh my God--- mama is just human, not some idol on a pedestal. that mama isn't always right, that mama has flaws.

pero alam ko rin na kahit paglaki nya hindi na nya ako masyadong kakailanganin at hindi na sya masyadong magiging kasing-affectionate sa akin as her 5-year-old version, she will continue to love me, even more than she ever did before, hindi lang nya yon marirealize.

marirealize nya yon, kapag 30ish na siya. even more kapag nanay na sya. kasi ganyan din ang naranasan ko. at 35, i realize that i've never loved my mother this much in my entire life. kahit pa noong 5 years old ako, at sya ang buong mundo ko. mas mahal na mahal ko siya ngayon.

kaso dahil may pamilya na rin akong sarili, at busy sa trabaho, hindi ko mabigyan si mama (at si papa) ng sapat na oras para makagawa kami ng happy memories together. still trying to find time, though. lagi lang akong nagpepray na sana, maging okay lagi si mama (at si papa), health-wise, na mabigyan kami ng mas marami pang taon together (more than 20 years pa lord, please!).

narealize ko, being a daughter has prepared me for motherhood somehow. haha. dumaan ako dyan, kaya alam ko, hindi tayo honeymoon stage forever anak. pero i will make the most of this time, because i want you to have a happy childhood, para pag someday ikaw naman ang naging ina (at SANA MATAGAL NA MATAGAL PA!), you will do the same for your children.

sa March, pupunta kami sa HK Disneyland-- mama, me, my daughter and osobear. excited na ako sa happy memories na magagawa namin doon. sana mag-enjoy kaming lahat, especially my daughter and my mother.

finally, freedom

...at least until december 28. :-)

ang hirap sa loob magtrabaho ng kalagitnaan ng pasko season. feeling mo victim ka, kahit ang totoo, mabagal ka lang kaya nagtatrabaho ka pa rin kahit pasko na. haha. pero thank you lord, for a wonderful 2015. an adventure, from all angles.

thank you lord, for more work to come. i still dream of being able to afford early retirement (and i can only afford that if i have multimillions stashed and invested,  and with a passive-income business taking care of me and my family), kaya maraming salamat po sa blessings. go go go 2016, let's work and work til we get there.

memories of feelings while there's a deadline to meet.

-  waking up early in the morning nang masakit ang likod mo. pero mas naisip mo yung mga sequences na hindi mo pa tapos. at anong petsa na.

-  lumalagutok na joints ng fingers mo from typing marathons. hello, middle age and arthritis.

- eating mindlessly in the wee hours to wake myself up

-  the beeping of my phone. may nagfafollow up na.  dreading having to read the message.

-  barely being aware of what day or date it is. or where the day has gone (gabi na?)

- being so sleepy while writing, kung anu ano na nasusulat mo. kung ano ang maisip ng utak mo kahit hindi related sa sinusulat mo, automatic na tinitipa ng mga daliri mo

- that heavy feeling of facing a big bulk of work that needs to be done. blank pages. unscripted treatments.

- the unparalleled joy of having pressed SEND. and the feeling of liberation after.

- the discomfort over having to tackle a difficult scene. (usually, i leave it for later. BAD HABIT)

- kilig and smiles when you're writing a scene that's supposedly kilig and funny (at bumebenta naman sya sa yo)

-  counting sequences

-  when you're in the moment at nagmamadali and someone wants your attention.
 
-  that wonderful feeling when you watch something you've written and you're happy with the outcome

- that sinking, MEH feeling when you watch something you've written and you're not happy with the outcome.

- brief relief  in between work sprints, brought to me by COC, P vs Z, FB, Tw1tter, P3X, and so many other diversions. :-(

- incomparable joy of hugging and talking and being with my daughter in between work sprints. relief with a big R.

- guilt. over missed deadlines.

- guilt. over makng people wait. :-(

- happy moments of eureka. when you get excited over an idea, you just couldn't wait to spit it out or put it on paper.

- blank walls. when you're facing a blank page, a new script week ahead, and at the moment you absolutely have no idea what to do

- that goosebump-inducing moment when you hear the theme song and you are moved to tears, remembering that love story in your head.

-  proud moments when something you wrote is appreciated by people.

- dead-of-night moments. when you just want to finish the damn thing. wala ka nang pakialam kung panget sya, gusto mo na lang sya matapos.

- fantasizing about that moment when you finish the final sequence. and wondering why it's so damn long before the fantasy becomes real.

-marveling at how a mere 15 sequences can cost me so many hours of my life.

- wondering why i can't just... breeze through writing the entire thing like a hurricane. why does 1frickin sequence take so damn long to write sometimes??

- being able to breathe easy and join the world of the living when you're done with your deadline.

- frustration when you are being made to write something you don't believe in.  ang hirap itawid.

- buying time, even when you haven't earned it yet.  :-(

- guilt. when you're doing something else, when you have a script to finish and a tight deadline.


Merry Christmas, world! Thank you Lord, for momentarily free days. :-)

 

 



     

under the weather.

way, way under.
it's a sunday. a gloomy day. and i'm not in the mood to work.
but work is work and this is due tomorrow.
you have to write, ke nasa mood ka o wala. you have to write, ke inaantok ka o hindi.
there were dreary hours when  i had to just keep eating to wake myself up. it works, usually. habang nakapikit pa, nguya lang nang nguya sa gitna ng madaling araw.

yun nga lang, grabe ang damage sa katawan.

write it. kahit basura. kahit walang sense. just keep. FRICKIN. WRITING.

6:23 AM

19 sequences to go.
bawal matulog hanggat di tapos trabaho. hindi yan kamartiran, yan ay epekto ng backlog at kabagalan.

pero wala na energy. :-( another deadline missed. i hate this procrastinating comfort-seeking beeyatch of a karpintero in me.

notes on da show:
* it's amazing how so many people from tfc and iwantv (and who knows where else all over the net) are willing to contribute their own money para sa kasal nina L at C. you for real, guys? totoong kasal ba ang pinag-uusapan?
*it means they've grown to care  that much for the characters. or maybe just the loveteam. the former is a good sign,it means somehow we've done our job. the latter? MEH.
*which brings me to this---everytime i see the faces of those two, i transform into that green little teenage girl in Inside Out. i don't like you guys. especially you, boy. thank god malapit nang matapos. i can't stand you guys anymore.
*quit lobbying for a december wedding. okay?? nashoot na ang lahat at sarado na ang tindahan hangggang enero. we're writing the last three scripts now kaya just quit it. the wedding will happen when it's supposed to happen.
*i should be working on those 19 remaining sequences. almost an entire episode's worth of scripts. instead i'm writing her. PROCASTINASTY COMFORT-SEEKING CREATURE!

little match girl on a rainy night

you know the fairy tale. or rather, the tragic tale.

one wintry cold night, a little match girl uses her imagination to make herself feel better.  she imagines all sorts of scenarios, the things her heart wants at the moment. and then, she dies with a smile on her face.

so since i just realized today that i'll be working althroughout the christmas holidays, medyo desperate-for-a-happy-pill mode tayo ngayon. i'm going to be that little match girl for the moment,

i see myself in Disneyland HK. with my daughter and husband, and my mother. and my daughter is having the time of her life, and i am actually enjoying everything, not just being mommy/chaperone to her.

i see myself in Paris. it's spring. i tour the city all day, tour some more at night. i'm with my husband, and for once he's not thinking about the friggin expenses this trip is costing us. he's actually enjoying the place. we take the train, and see the french countryside, those green meadows and Birch Tree black-and-white cows. wow. beauitful. and i remember my same experience more than 10 years ago, a 23-year-old child who found herself amidst all this beauty alone. i was too infantile to take advantage of that very rare opportunity (a trip to France and everything was friggin FREE, stupid! you were too afraid to even wander! you spent 75% of your time there inside the hotel room!)

we go to Cannes. Marseilles. we see the best of France. The mediterranean, the fishports, the cobblestones, the beautiful streets, the landmarks. we ride a sailboat, we dine al fresco..but wait. it's time to take the train again. This time, to Italy.

never been to Italy. but I have relatives there. osobear and I meet up with my cousins one day, but for the rest of the trip, we're free to go where we please. we see the best of Italy as well. Rome and its ancient ruins. the old and the new. we go to Venice, and make a girlhood dream of mine come true--- we ride a gondola and cruise along those famous canals.

we go to Switzerland, see the alps and stay in one of those Swiss chalets, explore the country and take all the beautiful things it has to offer.

i see myself at home. on a day with no deadlines whatsoever. no work assignments to do. i'm free to do whatever i please. go wherever i please. so i cook. i bake. i decorate cookies. i spend an entire afternoon with my hubby and babygirl just watching DVDs.  and because a day is not enough to do all the things I want to do, the next day is work-free as well.  family goes malling.

i see myself on another work-free day, starting on my weight loss plan. enroling again at the gym. moving this lazy ass. losing weight. gaining my cheekbones and curves and self-esteem back. lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko---papapayat ako pagkatapos ng show. sana mabigyan ako ng kahit two weeks to kickstart this kahit papano.

so, there. marami pa akong gustong ma-imagine. like me buying a new mac laptop, an Iphone, a four-wheel-drive car. and not having to worry about all that making a dent on my savings.

and yes. i see myself on the shooting set. doing that thing i'd fervently dreamed of doing for many years. and being good at it. the fantasy wouldn't be complete if i'm not going to be good at it.

and that, folks, is the greatest fantasy of all. like that one that got away.

pero kahapon bumalik ako sa shooting set. bilang spectator, ramdam ko ang pagod ng lahat. bumalik na naman ako sa memories of my years in production. mahirap magshoot. 40% is creative. 60%, dealing with the environment, the logistics, the daily realities of mounting a production. kung prod staff ka, mabilis na magiging dormant ang creative side mo sa ganitong environment. and the magic there is, you almost never see the hirap, the pagod, the hintayan at tengga, the struggles and the difficulties when you watch a finished film/episode. hindi ko lang alam kung makakaya ko uli yun.

but i want to. someday. i want to at least try. at least do something about that one true love (or so i thought) that got away. kung hindi ko susubukan, baka hanggang pagtanda ko, dala dala ko yung "what-if" na yun sa puso ko. what if i had tried, and i could actually do it?

at least, kung subukan ko man sa realidad, at nadiscover kong i couldn't do it, i don't have the makeup for it, or hindi ko pala talaga sya ganon kamahal...then matatahimik na ako. at least may answer. hindi yung forever nag-iisip ka... nagwawonder ka.

so back to reality.nabago na ang assignment. week 18 na daw muna, deadline in 2 days. everytime i go to the set, mas lalo kong naappreciate ang trabaho ko ngayon. isn't that ironic? cause here, we deal with stories. concepts. ideas. we create characters and lives and conflicts and shit.

pero well. ibang klaseng high din ang magdirek, sa totoo lang. i was 29 when i last directed shit-- that AVP for a networking company. i was a newbie writer. feeling ko, ngayon, with 6 years of writing experience behind me, may makocontribute yung writing experience na yun kung sakaling magkaroon ako ng chance na magdirek uli.

ang dami daming may pangarap na ganito. sampu sampera sila. at sa panahon ngayon when you can shoot an entire film using your phone, wala nang excuses para di ka gumawa kung gugustuhin mo talaga. kaso feeling ko, yun ang waterloo ko, EVER SINCE. konsepto. if i'm going to have to think of something good enough, i will have to focus on nothing else but that. kaso posible ba yun? not at this point. :-(

pero ang sumakay sa isang konseptong pinaniniwalaan ko, tingin ko, kaya ko. i can even write the script, basta merong konsepto. sana within this lifetime, either makaisip ako ng konsepto na good enough. o may isang magaling na konsepto akong matisod na galing sa isant taong willing makipagcollaborate with me bilang manunulat.

but then again, let's be clear about this. let's not neglect the lessons of the past and go back to the reason why i want to go in that direction again. pin that on the corkboard, bluey. reflect on it, honestly. why do you want to do it?






 

week 17

magtatrabaho during the holidays.

it's just a script, beeyatch. not rocket science. so friggin just do it.

AT WALA AKONG PAKE

ngumakngak kayo dyan nang ngumakngak. ke may punto kayo o wala, wala na akong pake.
bago pa kayo nadismaya, nauna na ako sa inyo.
pero wag kayong mag-alala, bibitaw din kayo. dahil matagal na rin akong bumitaw at sa puntong ito gusto ko na lang talagang matapos. sana lang bumitaw na lang kayo kapag pebrero na. pero kung bibitaw na kayo ngayon, bahala kayo.

don't email or tweet me your feedback. i can't do anything about them. we can't do anything about them anymore. it's finished, it's in the can, the things you're seeing now. nakita ko tong darating, itong punto na ito in fairness.  no one is faultless, because we're a team. no one is faultless, not even the bosses, or the direks. ako rin, may kakulangan, dahil nung nagkakaipitan na sa deadlines, pinangalawa ko na lang sa priority ko ang quality. nang hindi ko na solo ang paggawa ng bahay, bumitaw na rin ako by 40%. dahil feeling ko kasi, there it goes. the story is over, there's not much to tell anymore.

ang issue nyo, walang conflict. i was thinking the same thing when i was writing those eps set in ilocos. but then, sabi nga ng immediate na kinauukulan- yung ang gusto nila e. puro kilig. mahirap talaga kapag ginagawa mo lang ang ginagawa mo dahil trabaho mo ito. yun ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya. i cared about the story, pero matagal na kong hindi nagke-care. hindi ko masikmura ang puro kilig at walang conflict. so now we get these feedback. and i realize na tama ang pakiramdam ko. kapag walang conflict, walang kwento. walang kwenta.

but i'm grateful, for an 8-week (airing-wise, 12) love story that i can truly say i'm proud of. and for those 8 (or 12) weeks alone, this show will always be special to me. C and L will always be special to me. C, specifically, because it was during those times when i was smitten by him that i was able to contribute the most sparkle to the material.

sabi nga ng bossing namin, iba ang lente ng isang babaeng lumalandi-- "papa ko si C. papa ko siya, at kilig ako sa kanya", referring to the director. it works the same for the writer, sir.  iba ang pluma ng babaeng lumalandi. for 12 weeks, i was smitten, in love, feeling 15 years old again. when realities reared their ugly heads at di na kinaya ng powers ko, the feelings faded, and that was when it became just another job to me.

so, right, gustoko na lang matapos to. WEEK 17 treatment due tomorrow. WEEK 17 script on wednesday. barrelling towards the end, walang makakapigil sa akin at wala akong pake kung anong isipin ng kahit sino bukod sa mga bossing ko.

Ayan na si Sir...

Between exhibit A..

and exhibit B...

I'd choose exhibit A. But only if I absolutely have to choose...pero kung hindi naman kailangang mamili, aba, papakyawin ko pareho! the more the merrier! HAHA.

the thing with C is, well. he's gotten too ideal. too predictable from this girl's POV, i'm getting bored by him. kilalang kilala ko na sya, there's nothing left to discover.

tulad nga ng nasabi ko noon. C is the cliche in a typical love story.

but Sir S... OOH. WOW.  He's a mystery, but I think I know this man. I think I've known him for years, in my dreams, and I even wrote about him here.

Enigmatic. Brilliant. Mature. Refined. Successful. Hard-to-get. Unpredictable. Oozing with confidence.

Yung tipong kapag sinurrender mo sa kanya ang buong pagkatao at buhay mo, kayang kaya ka nyang dalhin. He's the kind of man I'd be scared to meet in real life. Whether I'm married or not, nakakatakot makameet ng ganyang lalake, dahil ideal guy ko sya, at alam ko, masasaktan lang ako, dahil mamahalin ko sya nang higit pa sa dapat. Dahil 100% akong mahuhulog sa kanya.

at kung ang ideal guy ko ay hihiram ng itsura kay Pau10 Av3l1n0, aba, why not! (don't worry j@m3s, i'm sure kung napunta sa iyo ang role, makekeri mo rin yun. Kering Keri mo ang Christian Grey sans the kinks, of course). sabi nga ng isang d1rek namin... I LOVE THIS SHOW. At lahat kaming mga babae sa mesa nung time na yon, malutong na nag ME TOO. Haha.

sorry S1mon. pero feeling ko, hindi ko naibibigay yung kwentong para talaga sa yo. yung kwentong ikakikilig ng mga katulad ko.  kasi hindi ikaw ang bida. sana may ibang kwento na lang para sa yo. doon, ibebenta ko nang bongga bongga, todo-todo, walang preno ang mga dreams ko about you. Pwede naman sya sa primetime, dahil-ehem- PG-13 naman sya. HAHA.

HINGA

HINGA. after pressing SEND.

harrowing week 15. two days lang ang sinulat ko pero harrowing pa rin.

next script week, malamang, mas madugo. sana naman, mas magaan sa loob.

ang sakit sa loob nung autopilot ka at gusto mo na lang matapos. ayoko ng autopilot, rare ko ginagamit yun unless na talagang galit na galit na yung mga nagfafollowup sa akin (minsan nga kahit galit na sila, di pa rin ako autopilot. which is kinda, well, impractical on my part).

di ko na kontrolado ang biggest percentage ng content ng first drafts dahil dalawa na kaming writers. kaya sa mga kasong ganito na wala na sa kamay mo, may detachment ka na ring mararamdaman. di katulad noon na solely responsible akong karpintero for first drafts kaya stressed na stressed ako. kalabaryo ko sya, pero strangely, mahal na mahal ko.

pag nagdetach ka, mababawasan ang pagmamahal. mababawasan din ang stress. pag may pumipintas, pag may nambabato, hindi na ako nasasaktan. kasi hindi lang naman ako ang may anak dyan. you can only help raise the child of your dreams for so long (read: 7-8 weeks of airing?), tapos from there, anything can happen. bad to worse, bad to better, or one long plateau.

at least minahal nila yung characters enough to stay. boring na ang magjowa kapag sila na, kaya para talaga sa akin, the best chapter was in the beginning, nung nagliligawan pa lang sila. naghuhulaan. nag-iiwasan. naglalandian. nagmamind games. parang totoong relasyon. those were the most exciting times.

pero sa totoong buhay, yung pinakexciting times ang nakakatakot kaya hindi ko maenjoy. the sweetest times for me, yung nagsisimula pa lang kayo. and i think C and L went through that, staggered nga lang kasi laging may kontrabidang sumisingit.

so back to week 15. can't say i'm proud of this one. actually dreading feedback time. pero ayoko namunang isipin yun. HIHINGA muna ako ngayong gabi. kasama ng anak ko, at hubby ko, be a mommy and wifey exclusively for a night.

konti na lang. 16,17,18,19...20. wow. marami pa pala. parang...half-season pa.

but then, hindidapat nagrereklamo. because the more weeks there are... the more moolah for everyone.

kaya salamat po, Lord. sana po, makabawi ako sa Week 16. for my autopiloting Week 15.

Haller, December

post-Christmas last year, we were called for our first meeting for the project that took up the most my 2015. after a deluge of shelved projects, it was a blessing. akalain mo. halos isang taon na pala kaming nagtatrabaho para sa project na to?

pero mahal ko itong project na ito. lalo na nung first 8 weeks of airing nya. i had never cared this much for  a TV project before. i had never given this much of me to a TV project before. investing myself in it, emotionally. selling dreams. my own dreams. helping create that one guy who will do all the things that real men can't/don't/will not/forget to do, even if they're in love with you. 

okay, so i'll reserve the eulogies for next year. sa ngayon, tapusin na ang Week 15, deymet. 

looks like i'll have work to  do during the holidays. :-(

long list of longings

right now, i long for these.
1. visit Japan.
2. have our own car. brand-new. paid for in cash.
3. have our own house and lot. na malapit sa bahay ng byenan ko. o malapit sa bahay namin sa Marikina.
4. have our own apartment complex.
5. visit Italy.
6. visit France again.
7. visit Greece.
8. visit Spain.
9. travel all over frickin beautiful EUROPE.
10. EXPERIENCE the Caribbean
11. go on a luxury cruise.
12. go to the US-- NY, LA, SF, and mooore.
13. have our own self-sustaining business. enough para masustentuhan ang family needs, enough para makapagretire ako nang maaga.
14. be rich enough to retire early- around 45 years old. (becayse i want to live long)
15. multi-millions (more than 20 million) in my list of liquid assets (PLEASE, I WANT.)
16. to be rich enough to not worry about old age anymore.
17. to be rich enough to give my parents and my family everything they want and need.
18. land investments.
19. or any profitable passive investment for that matter.
20. our own beautiful house. with a spacious yard for dogs and greens. with 4 rooms. 2 storeys high. not too big, no too small. my own private space where i can work, write, think. a space away from everyone else. i need my space. where i have a desk. i have a window to look out through. internet connection. peace and quiet.
21. to be wealthy. meaning, financially free. meaning, kahit hindi akomagtrabaho for the rest of my life, may income pa rin. may pera pa rin.

ang daming labada. at ito nangangarap ako. gawan mo kaya ng paraan ang mga pangarap mo. magtrabaho ka. may next project na. may raket na isang episode. dagdag din para sa pasko. aside from the christmas bonus. salamat po, lord, sa bagong show. salamat po sa mga prospects in the future.

magshushoot sila sa US at naiinggit ako. kasi kasama ang immediate superior ko, ako hindi. :-( kaya napasama sa list of longings ko ang US. yan ang hirap sa mga karpintero. haha. pero okay lang. kasi at least hindi ako ang humaharap sa mga bossing.

ako ang taong walang ambisyon masyado. bukod sa pera. maraming pera. comfort at kalayaan sa buhay. ironically kailangan mong maging ambitious para makakuha ng pera. ayoko ng responsibilidad na ganun. hindi ko maimagine ang sarili ko sa posisyon ng immediate superior ko. i don't have the personality for that. as karpinero, i'm only responsible for myself and my work. pero yung responsable ka para sa isang team, di ko yun feel. i'm not that kind of person.

i don't see myself as a headwriter, lalo  na magcreative manager. but directing someday, mas nakikita ko pa. maraming bigas ang kakainin, maraming oras araw at gabi angbubunuin para aralin ang pagdidirek sa tv. pero mas nakikita ko ang sarili ko doon kesa sa ibang posisyon na ordinary trajectotry ng mga nasa posisyon ko ngayon. kaya nga lang, the question is kaya ko ba. the question is, may magtitiwala ba.

and the question is, kaya ko bang magsakripisyo at this point to chase that path.  kung sakaling makarating ako doon, malaking pera. bakamacheck ko ang 75% sa list of longings ko. pero marami ding responsibilities. maraming igigiveup. like time for my daughter. time for my husband. ayoko kako maging responsible for other people other thanmyself. pero pag direktor ka you're responsible for an entire crew. ano ba talaga, ate?

ilang beses ko na yang naproseso sa sarili ko. half-baked about it. kasi wala namang kasiguruhan ang lahat. i'm in a good place right now, with people who have been very good to me. my daughter is 5 years old and needs a mother. if i want money, for now, i'll stick to what i'm doing. saka  na natin pag-usapan ang balang-araw.

for now,finish the TTDs. and save, save, save as much as you can while striking a healthy work-life / happiness/frugality balance.

wish

here in marikina. supposedly have to finish a one episode script.
but i'm 13 sequences away, and the boss from the other project just texted about a 1 pm meeting tomorrow. there's a treatment to finish before that 1 pm meeting. and i stopped at day 2 to begin this one-episode script.

hay. i am so FRICKIN. BAD. AT DEADLINES.

i hear christmas carols on the AM radio. ayokong magpasko nang may iniisip na deadline. like a lot of us, gusto ko nang tapusin ito.

pero sayang kung di isisingit yung isa.

okay, ngayon, tapusin na ito.

everything just feels 100 percent better kapag naeexperience mo nang walang iniisip na deadline.

but thank you Lord. for everything.

wish ko lang po, a 2-week vacation. staycation actually. basta wala pong deadline within those 2 weeks. :-) happy birtday in advance lord! praise you lord!

a rare night-off

yung totoo? at this point, week 14 in, more than 14 weeks airing, medyo nauumay na ako sa mukha nilang dalawa. medyo lang.

kaya yung mga fan IGs na finafollow ko, isa dun inunfollow ko na. kahit pala maganda't guwapo, pag laging nasa mukha mo, nakakaumay din.

matagal na akong detached. for emotional preservation, maybe.

i only worry about deadlines now. ironically, that's the issue with me.

GASH! i absolutely can't wait for week 20! week 20...SENT! yehew!!

we have til december 10 to finish 4 script weeks at least. at the rate we're going? hmm. possible naman siguro. sana. please.

i should really worry about deadlines now. if caring too much bogs me down and slows me down and makes me break promises 10x in a week, then F#$K it, stop caring too much. what's important is you get it frickin done on time, cause delays might cost 'em money.

WOOHOO! LET'S GO GET 'EM TIGER!

love, real-life version

2006 was when this happened. one of my best years ever, the year i met my husband.
i wrote this days after a friendly date that we had. it wasn't our first date, but it was the first one that was undeniably "pleasant"-- meaning, my guard was down, and i was just enjoying the company of this person, as a friend for that moment.

the other day i went on somekinduva "date" with the same person i'd been somekinda "seeing" for some months now (oo, kahit naturingang fag-hag ako may pagka-semi active din naman ang social life ko no. hehe). masaya naman, baka nga sa ilang beses na nakasama ko tong taong ito nung isang araw lang yung masasabi kong truly enjoyable para sa kin, and i have a nagging suspicion that it was because i kept "screwing" the previous ones with my own self-defense mechanisms. pwede na nga siguro akong magsulat ng Idiot's Guide on How To Ruin a Date sa dinami-dami ng mga sablay ko when it comes to dating decorum. hahaha. 

but on that day i was on my best behavior. kasi hihingi ako ng favor. ansama ano. but that was the least i could do to show him that i was grateful. showing him my best side. providing good company. and it wasn't hard, because the months that passed between us have somehow mellowed down the praning-ness in me. haha. dahil mas kilala ko na, somehow alam ko na kung pano i-handle ang sitwasyon, at alam ko kung anong level ng trust ang pwede kong ibigay. so the result was a chattier, more companionable, warmer me. halleluiah. 

panahon lang naman pala ang katapat ko. haha. para mag-warm up sa tao, that is. at tratuhin syang kaibigan, at the very least. pero hindi ko alam kung may romantic promise ba ang premise ng storyang ito. kasi ang problema, romantic-idealist ako. nagpupumilit lang maging cynical for the sake of self-preservation, pero in deep, romantic. mushy. adik sa kilig. naniniwala sa fairy tales, sa "magic", sa konsepto ng Ideal Guy. at naniniwala din ako na pag na-meet mo ang isang tao, you will know. kung sya na nga ang taong matagal mo nang hinihintay. 

ulch. that sounds cheesy. pero yun talaga ang pananaw ko.

ang problema kasi, may mga taong okay na siguro sa totoong mundo, yung tipong boto ang lahat ng kaibigan mo at buong pamilya mo, pero may nakikita ka pa ring kulang. not necessarily sa kanya; sa buong scenario in general. ewan. baka nga naman ganon naman talaga sa tunay na buhay. baka naman kelangan ko nang tigilan ang pagpapantasyang magkakaroon ako ng isang take-my-breath-away kinduva love affair some fine fine day. pati na rin yung favorite fantasy ko tungkol sa isang alternate universe, kung san straight ang mga bading crushes ko at naiin-love sila sa mga katulad ko. hahaha. 

masaya, masaya. my favorite word. masaya naman talaga nung isang araw. parang kulang ang buong afternoon at evening. inosente, walang malisya, walang bahid ng "pamemechay", friendly, companionable. at least i've been in worse dates. i've been with more forgettable persons. in fairness to this guy. and whether he'd still be "around" one year from now or not, i'll always owe him the memories i've kept in Time Capsule #002. regardless of whatever, cause like i said before, there are certain things that a girl won't forget. kahit sino pang tao ang involved. 

that's not to say, though, that there's a promise to anything or whatever, of any sort. at all. cause each time the optimistic jekyll in me surfaces, the self-preserving hyde always comes out to neutralize things. it's a defense mechanism that might have its downsides but it has saved me several times in the past. truth remains pa rin. lulutang at lulutang pa rin sya. kahit ano pang sabihin ko sa sarili ko, i still wouldn't want to have jekyll without the security of having hyde.

Dahil sa kakapanood ng regal movies nina sharon-gabby / snooky-richard / marical-william, I’d always thought that falling in love would be like being struck by an arrow. Or hit by lightning. You meet a person, and you’d just KNOW.  Isa yun sa pamantayan ko, sa mga lumalapit at nagpaparamdam noon—dapat, may fireworks. Dapat may spark.

Pero sa totoong buhay pala, kadalasan, walang one distinct moment wherein masasabi mo na nainlove ka sa isang tao. Madalas, walang memorable earth-shaking first encounter,  walang sweep-me-off-my-feet kind of feels. 

Love just…happens.  Gradually. Naturally. It grows on you. Because you choose to let it. You let you guard down, you trust, you choose to see the guy for the person that he is, not for the person that you want him to be, or the role you want him to play in your life.

But then, it was hard not to assess someone who’s wooing you for the role of Prince Charming—nago-audition sya e. Haha. When I met my husband, he wasn’t my ideal.  Kung magpapaka-idealistic ako, he wasn’t the type of guy that I would normally want. 

But I think God too care of me there. He gave me the kind of man that I need. Given the person that I am. The fragile, fearful heart that I was.  He gave me a man, who sticks to his promises and honors his vows. A man who is secure enough with himself not to seek affirmation outside of our union, A man who is a lot like me--in values, in his upbringing, in habits and principles. But is a different version of me. A man who is so patient and stable, he was able to ground and stabilize a volatile beeyatch like me.  Thank God for giving me an open mind, the first time that we met, the first time he asked me out on a date. If I had said no and turned him down, I would've passed on the chance of a lifetime--  getting to know someone who could become my true love. 

Bata pa lang ako, my mother would voice out her dreams for me—that my first boyfriend would become my husband, that I’d settle down with a wonderful husband at age 23 and have kids para maabutan nya mga apo nya sa akin, etc. Well, hindi natupad yung “settle down at 23” part,  all except for that one. Sa totoo lang, my husband was my mother’s answered prayer. Ang lakas mo talaga kay God, Ma. 

sa mundo ng mga bagets

looking at the crowded club you'd think the birthday boy was a millennial. the place was so hip, so cool, so...young.

and there we were, lounging at the balcony, hindi matanggal ang mga pwet sa kinauupuan. minsan ayoko ring makasama ang mga wallflowers. minsan gusto ko ring saniban ng partygirl. pero kulang yung nainom kong beer at may deadline looming ahead (i shouldn't even be here, dammit) at feeling ko magiging sore thumb ako sa gitna ng beautiful famous and glamorous crowd. chubby manang little me.

mabuti na lang, marami kaming ganon. alam mo talaga kung writer ang isang tao. nasa isang tabi lang sila. mabibilang ko sa isang kamay ang mga writers na kilala kong bumabangka sa dance floor o sumosocial butterfly. at least maganda ang view sa balcony, perfect for star-gazing down below. they can't see us, but we can see them. all of them.

parang ang ominous nun ah. hahaha.

masarap sanang magparty kung walang iniisip.

just frickin do it.

me vs faney

ayan, may kumagat na.

naturally a happy and bubbly girl? REALLY? have you met her? do you know her?

i have met her. i have heard feedback about her. and  tell you-- don't believe the things you watch on TV. lahat yan, ilusyon. lahat yan, may ibinebenta sa inyo.

burst, burst bubble pa more.

wala, gusto ko lang mambasag trip

dahil nakakafrustrate na kayo.

so i burst your bubble. i tell you insider speculation in the guise of "personal opinion". and you say "no, no" you get all defensive dahil gusto nyong iperpetuate yang delusions nyo na may gusto sila sa isa't isa. well guess WHAT. been there, done that. and i only got myself heartbroken.

NO. he doesn't like her. he just skanked her. once, twice maybe. that explains their being all-too-comfortable with each other.

NO. he's not "holding back". he's just the way he is. don't frickin over READ, beeyatches. in an ordinary time, i would have said walang basagan ng trip, pero ngayong may DL ako at nabubwisit ako sa mga taong mas assuming pa kay NL pagdating kay JR, ang sarap lang mangprovoke ng fan bwisit. sige, mabwisit kayo. mabwisit kayo nang mabwisit. (evil maniacal laugh)

good morning!

chronic writer's block

how to frickin deal with it?
13 weeks na. pero hanggang ngayon wala pa rin akong fixed ritual. walang fixed habit. the hardest part is getting myself in the frickin Zone. it takes so much, so long, so hard to just get there.

so what am i doing now? writing on frickin blog! procrastinasty bitch.

SMH. at you, beeyatch. you don't know the first thing about responsibility.

not too late to create a habit. have to do that. if i am going to beat deadlines til february.

DAIG NG MABILIS ANG MAGANDA so WORK IT!

baul diaries: on a trip down the web...

wrote this on june 7, 2009. 

...surfing, i was thinking of these.

i feel bad. i had been irresponsible yesterday. i should've started my homework yesterday. para sana, hindi ako umabot sa "finish-or-not-finish" mode today.

na ang kumplikado, kasi feeling ko hindi naman kailangan ng ganong mode. pwede mo namang akuin ang tying-up-the-loose-ends part. ang tanong, gusto mo ba ng extrang trabaho. at tama ba na ikaw, gayong toddler ka pa lang sa lagay na yan,kung iisipin. at appropriate ba, gayong wala ka naman sa posisyon para magpa"biba". kaya nagtatanong ka rin sa ibang tao kung bakit gayong hands full na pala sila pero they still insist on taking the extra work in their hands. hindi ko maintindihan fully, pero i suppose may point naman. dahil honestly, eto lang, and i'm saying this to myself: kung yung sa yo lang, hindi pa umabot sa deadline, paano pa kaya kung gagawin mo yung sa yo at sa iba.

of course it's not the way to go. of course i-have-to-win-me would've risen up to the challenge. she would've started the work early. and if she had been late, she would've volunteered to finish up the job para di makaabala sa iba. keber na kung anong sasabihin ng iba. it would've been the right thing to do for i-have-to-win beeyatch.

dati sinasabi ko na hindi ko gusto yung mode kong ganon noon, pero minsan naiisip ko na may mga advantages din sya. for one, hindi sya magbubulakbol. kaya lahat ng gagawin nya, pagbubutihin nya, at para masiguradong makakarir nya, sisimulan nya nang maaga. (because she-has-to-win) secondly, hindi sya matatakot o tatamarin sa pag-ako ng responsibility. because she sees it as a challenge, and she-has-to-win over any kind of challenge. come to think of it, yung mga i-have-to-win, usually mas malaki ang chances nilang magsucceed sa life. kasi para sa kanila, dapat laging excellent ang grade. kaya mas pinupush nila ang sarili nila. mas may drive sila. mas mataas ang level of frustration, pero kung tamad ka naman, mafufrustrate ka din e. pati ibang tao, mafu-frustrate din sa yo. siguro nakakairita ang mga i-have-to-win sa ibang tao, but then again, all good things have a bad side to them. all good things, excluding god. na hindi rin naman "thing", on second thought.

dear god. light my fire. don't let me go too lax on myself. don't let me fall on that kind of a dark side.

hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pang mag-i-have-to-win mode ngayon, pagkatapos ng isang event last year. kasi, after that, parang ikinahiya ko talaga ang pagiging ganun ko. feeling ko doon nag-ugat ang lahat. naging instrumento ako ng demonyo, dahil doon. what could've been a strength had become a weakness, and the devil had preyed on it. when i only wanted to do excellent work. siguro nga, maybe i wanted it too much.

maling combination of character traits na rin, dahil ako ay isang one-track-mind by nature. may pagka-insensitive pa. isama mo ang dalawang yon with a healthy dose of i-have-to-win gutom, talagang high-risk nga siguro. owel. kung na-burn ako, sumobra naman yata ang pagka-opposite extreme ko. i should find the middle ground. yung tamang moderation lang.

baul diaries: time capsule #002

aww, this made me smile.  when just a few days ago i had written about happy memories that are worth keeping. in my case, hubby had been time capsule #002. :-)

wrote this on october 11, 2006:


tonight i got a msg from an unidentified number. the phone doesn't have the name in its memory but i have it in mine. unfortunately.

the same old dead-of-night pambubulabog. aha. and you're at it again. don't tell me somebody turned you down and you needed some ego-balm of a sort. ehe. sorry.

* *

and now the message came. same old corny "nytz" (at with a "Z" talaga! haha). ngayon hindi ko na kelangang isipin kung me nasabi ba kong mali sa huling msg ko sa kanya. anubayun, nakakatawa talaga. cause normally i wouldn't care. i guess today had a li'l somethin to do with it.

i wonder what "today" was? 

baul diaries: i hate it

when i speak before i think.
or in one case, text before i think.

i'm volatile.
bumubulusok a la blood pressure, pero lalamig din agad.
minsan ang hirap hindi maglabas ng steam pag galit ka.
masakit sa dibdib.

kaya, sorry.
mali ako.
lagi naman e.
and i say that with all humility, no bitterness.

sana, lagi akong magiging mali.
dahil mas magiging masakit kung magiging tama ako.
but i know.
i will never be right. my anger will always be unjustified.

that's just the way it is.
it comes with the whole jackpot package.
and i love it.

love it to the hilt.

wrote this in 2008. aka selosa diaries. lol!

baul diaries: SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

another unpublished entry from the "baul": a love letter (i was ranting, yes, but underneath that, it was actually a love letter) to my then-fiance, now-husband. 


i'm supposed to pretend na OFW ka. i'm supposed to make FRIGGIN DEADMA. and then you text making paawa. nahihirapan ka, etcetera. ako naman si gaga, naawa naman. hindi nga kita dapat kinakausap e! dahil HOY, nagtatampo pa ko sa yo! pero kawawa ka naman kaya ayan, kahit two curt words with a period binigay ko na. para naman wala ka ring maging rason para magtampo sa akin.

ngayon ano na naman? gusto ko nang magmura ah! tangina! number two commandment sa akin, wag na wag mong kakalimutan ang goodnight! at ang number one commandment, wag na wag mong kakalimutan ang monthsarys!


AND JUST FOR THE RECORD, i hate your job. i've hated it even when it was still my job.


i was many months pregnant, extra clingy (hormones, maybe?), controlled by my hormones, longing for extra attention. sakto naman, naging busy sya nang sobra dahil sa bagong posisyon sa trabaho. my mind understood, but my heart---OH, my heart!---was rebelling. throwing tantrums all over the place. i was bratty, but really, all i wanted then was him by my side. being a father to our unborn child. 

romantic pakinggan (blech), pero alam ko, mali. dapat naiintindihan, dahil nagdaan din ako sa trabahong yon. at nagtatrabaho sya noon, para sa baby namin. lesson learned, on retrospect: hinding hindi dapat nireresent ang trabaho ng bf/jowa/husband mo. blessing yan. at ginagawa nya rin naman yan para sa inyo.

pero natatawa ako sa sarili ko dito. ang petty lang, the preggy me of 5 years ago. or maybe hanggang ngayon ganyan pa rin ako. HAHA

memories of my tita baby

Nahalungkat ko sa drafts inbox ko, an entry written 5 years ago. I have no idea why i didn't publish this. Pero reading this, nalungkot na naman ako. may kirot na naman, over losing an aunt who was somehow dear to me.  during the last five years of her life i could say we hadn't been as close as before. pero ewan ko. i guess her death had been so unexpected, hanggang ngayon di pa rin mawala yung sakit. 

last saturday, november 6, my closest aunt, tita baby, passed away from severe aplastic anemia. it came as a shock to me. until now it still hasn't sunk in. when i'd heard from my mother that tita was confined at the hospital, i didn't think her condition was that serious. and knowing tita, who was so vibrant and strong and full of life and a survivor, i was confident that no disease could bring her down.

so much could be said about tita baby. she was such a colorful personality. pagdating sa career, she's my idol. in the pharmaceutical company where she worked for 31 years, she was a young probinsyana who rose from the ranks. she was smart and determined and worked hard to get what she wanted. she had the guts and the smarts and it got her to the top. in our family, sya yung laging takbuhan ng lahat. pag may family gatherings, siya ang laging punong abala. everyone relied on her, especially my 90-plus year old lola. she had such a generous heart. she was always there to help. she gave and even if she was often given nothing in return, it didn't stop her from giving. hindi nya kayang tiisin ang mga kamag-anak nya. she was an angel to our family in so many ways.

during these past five days since her death, andaming memories na bumalik sa akin with my tita baby, simula pa lang nung 4 years old ako hanggang sa last text messages namin sa isa't isa. nung dalaga pa sya, i was her pet at 4 years old. pag nagbabakasyon ako sa mga lola ko sa san mateo, sa kwarto nya ako natutulog. she would bathe me, clothe me, play mom to me. she taught me my first song ("nothing's gonna change my love for you"). at her wedding, i was flower girl, pinamakeupan din nya ako dun sa bading na makeup artist na nag-ayos sa kanya.

when i was in my teens and i started getting my written work published sa mga local magazines, proud na proud sya sa akin. pinaxerox nya lahat ng mga sinulat ko sa office photocopying machine nya and compiled them for me. whenever i needed a computer she'd let me use their computer at home. at habang nagsusulat ako, she'd personally serve meryenda sa akin, even if she didn't have to. ganon sya kasupportive sa akin.

hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala. she's really gone. nang nililibing namin sya, sabi ko sa mga pinsan ko, totoo ba to? sabi ng isa sa mga anak nya, sana daw panaginip lang to lahat, at sana paggising nya, she'll still be alive.

now i know why i didn't get to publish this. i didn't get around to finishing it. i wish i have the time right now to do so. but all i can say now, tita, is that hanggang ngayon, you are remembered with fondness. with pain and paghihinayang still, but with fondness and love. 

never trust a faney

kahit gaano pa katalino o kaedukado. a faney's opinion will often be influenced by their emotions.

ang naive ko lang talaga siguro, to believe that you actually share the same universal (at least, in this little universe that we have) standards of what is somehow good. pero hindi, biased talaga kayo. 

lagyan mo lang ng kilig. make C utter sweet nothings. slather on the cheese and the honey all over, it doesn't matter if it's boring or not. they will always say OMG, best episode ever. 

it's the kilig they're after, not the aesthetics. so fuck it, give it to them. shove it up their arses. para everyday, "best episode ever".

ako na mismo, sumasakit na ang ngipin ko sa mga pinagsasasabi ni C. at ako na to ha, na faney din somehow ni C. close to diri factor na (okay, exagg) sa pagiging cheesy ni boy pero taena, nginig na nginig naman sila. bentang benta. best...episode...ever,

sana lahat kayo may mga box ano? para laging best ratings ever. 

di naman ako halatang inis ano? 

para lang kasi akong L na nagtiwala sa nanay nya. only to realize that shit. i've been believing in a frickin pile of shit all along. no, hindi sila level headed peeps. they can try to rationalize why they're inis all they want, but the truth is, all they really want is the kilig. which is kind of an annoying fact, for someone who wants to tell a good story 

naive, naive, infantile me. you faneys, might be the death of me.

there's something about memories

sa sinusulat namin ngayon, may kaunting homage akong gustong gawin sa moments na lumilipas na worth i-immortalizing, lest you forget them and lose them forever. i used to call them my time capsules 10 years ago (time capsule #2 back then were memories i had of my then-suitor, now-husband). sa kwento namin ngayon, L calls them H@ppy M3m0ries.

naghalungkat ako sa archives and i realized i'd been keeping happy memory items since 10 or 11 years ago.


2005. brainstorms with beatlebum, frog princess, and floda for the kiligshow. cheapsteaks, IO, and especially for you. that was fun, and that time masyado akong busy sa funny-sad subplot ng real life to realize how fun everything else was. ha!ha!

2006. da big haus. the money was fun. and the work would've eventually become fun, too, probably, somehow, if i had stayed. i was miserable back then but looking back now, i'll always remember that racket. blowing out smoke in the balcony, stressing out in the control room, stressing out in the spotting room. working alongside osobear, cringing at his corny hirits. haha. he was so corny i couldn't help but laugh.

let me continue that.

2007. hmm. what? oh, yeah. MD@FI. the smell of the place. the cream walls. the lectures in that little room, the headaches that came after. and of course, the carpool gang. the laughter. the tears (oh, they did come, in the end). sa lahat ng yon, ang pinakatumatak for me were the carpool friendships. para kaming mga college kids. i was so happy then, i should've known, may equivalent na lungkot yun later.

2008. that movie. that compound. day in, day out. night in, night out. "hell" was the only word that would come to mind. i hated everything about that shoot. everything. i was literally smoking two packs of cigs a day. kung kaya lang lumuha ng dugo dahil sa dusa at sama ng loob, i would've bled to death. i hated that memory, and yet it was the most vivid memory of 2008.

but was it? nah. the most vivid memory was the Interrogation. but i think that happened on dec 27 or 28. so technically, that was 2007. ironically, it didn't register in me much. siguro kasi, sobrang sakit nya parang kinalimutan ko na lang yung detalye. i couldn't dwell on the memory, baka mabaliw ako. haha.

christmas 2008 was memorable, too. the Christmas of the Broke and Broken. iisang tao lang yun, ako. walang pera, basag ang mga pangarap, not knowing what the future would bring. but love had been there, love had made everything so much easier to bear. kaya nga hindi kita masyadong masakyan Leyang Maarte. kahit ako pa ang tumipa sa mga sinasabi mo at ginagawa mo. NABUBWISIT PA RIN AKO SA YO.

i would NEVER punish my osobear for the things that other people did to me. at least, not consciously. and not immediately.

pero hanggat walang sinasabi ang mga diyos. deadma sa lahat.

2009. katorse. aww. our afternoons in tierra bella, at our headwriter's house. a new career was born for me.

2010. giving birth. the way she looked when she first came out, 5 seconds old. i can still remember how long she'd been (around 11 inches?) and her torso was yellow brown. my beautiful daughter. the love of my life, a gift from the man that i love.

the civil wedding, ironically, didn't make a big mark. siguro kasi ang dami kong iniisip nung time na yon. (read: script DEADLINE) literally, i was like, ok, break muna. ikakasal lang ako. tapos pagkakasal, back to writing. haha. worst feeling in the world. you only get married for the first time once, and WORK gets in the way! haha. not complaining though. i've been very lucky, very blest with work. my family needs it and i'm forever grateful for the opporunities to earn.

dahil may dealdine pa, hanggang dito na lang muna. 2011 onwards. worht thinkng about.

CAN'T WAIT FOR FEBRUARY!

writing, writing nearly everyday. not complaining. because writing means earning money. and money means more free time to buy for myself someday.

counting,counting every now and then. i save first, spend when i need to. thank you lord, for new adventures in the future, sana lang mabigyan po kami ng mas mahabang oras pa to develop and write them.

lighthouses. the reach is wide because of the medium. you want to reach out to more people, you do it here.

i'm deaf,dumb, and blind. manhid na rin ako. the ones airing this week and half of last week wasn't mine. kaya hindi kasingsakit as compared to,  say, dumaan sa akin o nanggaling sa akin.

tamad me. right now. the flat tire last script week, guess the frick what?? they LIKED it. and that somehow disturbs me. because magkaiba kami ng taste.

ang mga faney lang ang maiingay at mareklamo sa totoo lang. ang mga diyos, tahimik.

pero paano yung kadiyos-dyosan? faney din yun e.

well, thank god i don't get to face her. you see, i'm writing, writing nearly everyday. too busy for those things.

week 13

and i've got another secret to tell, faneys.

i lurk in your hangouts. you think i'm one of you, and try to sound as faney as i can. it amuses me, the irony, of you not knowing that there's someone from the inside infiltrating your virtual crowd.

so we have to have 17 scripts in before christmas vacay. not impossible. but we're a bit behind.

crush ko na ulit si C. nakakatuwa sya pag hinaharot nya si L. deadma na sa reactions nyo kay L, immune na ako dyan. antay antay lang kayo sa mga walang katapusang pechayan. mamumukadkad ang mga pechay, kayo mismo mauumay.

day 2 treatment. tick tock.

excited ako sa newest addition. may karibal na si C sa puso ko at dati ko na syang cras. having 2 different concepts of my ideal guy in one project, how lucky can one get?? diko alam kung paano ko hahatiin ang writer's puso ko sa dalawa. KILIG KILIG

dear faneys

may pagkabipolar din kayo ano?

isang lingggo kayong bwisit na bwisit. tapos isang gabi lang ng kiligtawa, biglang love na love nyo na naman ang show. best show evah, happy happy talaga ng (toot-toot), etc. kalurky din kayo ha?

and to think tinatry naming magpakarealistic, na iproseso ang pinagdadaanan ng mga characters. kung kaming lahat lang talaga ang masusunod isang araw lang magpapabebe yang si L. pero iniisip namin ang realidad.

eh ang realidad pala, pwedeng maging bipolar ang normal na tao. taena, kung alam lang namin! sana pala ginanun na lang namin si L! eh di happy pa kayo!

bwiset!! ayoko nang magbasa ng feedback! kliyente namin kayo oo, pero hindi kayo ang boss ko. so at the end of the day kahit ano pang ngakngak nyo, kung happy naman ang boss ko, achieve pa rin.

faney din ako sa totoo lang. kaya nga ang first draft ko, malamang yun ang matatypean nyo. kaso ang first draft noon, malandi si L. may problema na nga sa nanay, nakuha pang lumantod (not that i could blame her). pero yun nga. basag trip, pero kailangang iproseso. and the bosses made that clear noon, kaya sa kanila kayo magwelga okay!??

happy friday, mga bipolar beeyatches! labyu!

i'll tell you a secret

bago pa kayo nabwisit, nauna na akong nabwisit kesa sa inyo.  

but i say nothing, reply to nothing. except for 1 or 2 friends who ask.  but even then, my answers were always sanitized. at hanggat kaya ko ipagtatanggol ko si L. paninindigan ko yan.

kaya kong ilitanya ang mga dahilan ni L kung bat ganon sya magreact, like a memorized excuse. i understand, but i can't empathize. dahil MATANDA na sya for god's sake.  siguro naman kaya na nyang ianalyze ang iba't ibang scenarios. di porke nangyari sa isa, mangyayari din sa isa, lalo na at yung isa nanay mo at yung isa jowa na KAHIT KAILAN wala namang ginawa para pagdudahan mo ang pagmamahal nya sa yo.

pero yun. ganoon daw magreact ang isang babaeng nasa sitwasyon nya. no one really questioned it. maybe because it came from way up high. anyway, moving on. here's another week that i DON'T get. so good luck. whenever i'm ifffy about something, i say it to kinauukulan. if he doesn't listen, at least i have done my part.

Deadline Tonight

and still a long way to go.

a long way to go for this show, too. a blessing.

hindi na ako naaapektuhan. nagdetach na ako. nandito pa rin ako. pero ang primary concern ko, getting stuff done. writing with or without my heart on it.

madalas, lately, without love. if someone imposes things on me i don't agree with but i have to do, i lose the love. labor becomes work. i can  only do so much, kaya sige, tapusin na lang. try to make it good enough for my taste, but still within the constraints of someone else's vision.

write without love. mabilis lang sigurong gawin yun.

i'm over the panghihinayang. the sadness. kung isang season lang ito, we should be barreling towards a high ending. pero hindi, aabutan kami ng pasko, bagong taon, valentines, etc.

and i have to keep reminding myself, IT'S A GOOD THING. longer run, more money.

there are some things na wala na talaga sa control mo. weeks ago, i have learned to let go. it wasn't that hard a thing to do naman pala.

money. money, money.

week 12

keywords for this script week. 

April. (good problem)

La Breza.  

Conflict. 

ako lang ba? ako lang ba ang nakakaramdam ng ganito? kung walang conflict ang buhay nila, walang kwento?? 

hindi na kasi ako faney mode. kaya kapag walang nangyayaring problema, restless ako. tatlong araw na landian? trulily??? yun ang gusto nyo??

hay. yes. pumapanget na sya. 

 

happy sunday

i wish i could go back to those days when i could write pretty well in straight english. but sigh. i don't know. i've been rusty. haven't been keeping "house" all that well these past many years. i wonder what changed? oh, the love of my life happened. so what did he have to do with me needing to write here less? maybe because HE became my personal diary. sounding board, confidante, shock absorber, what-have-you. 

he barely speaks, this dude. what he usually does is mutter (which i HATE by the way). but he does listen, most of the time. out of the blue i'd say something--mostly about the show these days--and he'd get it. and that's one of the reasons why he's the love of mah life. 

cue romantic music. charot. 

i'm such a talker. i should really talk less, listen more. you learn so many things just by listening. 

Week 10

more changes, but i'm not ranting.  the longer, the better. the more surprises, the better.

one temptation i can't help but give in to: when our daughter bursts in through the door, all giggly and happy, plops down on the bed, asking me to play P vs Z with her.

and she, throwing herself all over me, saying "mama ang lambot lambot mo talaga". hahaha. kakainis. pwede bang hindi maging malambot? malambot = mataba, anak. will you lose your love for me kung mawala ang human kutson mo?

happy memory #1001--  when she bursts in through the door every morning, in her school uniform, to say goodbye to me. throwing herself at me. hugging me goodbye.

our daily convo:

me- ano kayang aaralin ni audrey ngayon sa school?
a- "A!"
me- "A" na naman?? di na umusad??

then she would giggle. like chimes, to me. chimes in the breeze, my daughter's giggle. i wonder if how long will she giggle like that. til 6 yo? 7?

kaya kahit may deadline ako.kahit nagmamadali supposedly, di ko maresist ang batang to. dahil hindi sya habang panahong ganito. i dread the time when she'd be leaving the house with just a "bye ma" and a peck on the cheek.  and be gone the entire day, and come home late at night, with the same brief reply. yung dadaan dadaanan na lang kami. yung may iba na sya buhay sa labas ng pamilya namin. :-(

of course children have to grow up. pero lagi kong sinasabi sa 5 year old na 'to-- sana kahit malaki ka na, mahal na mahal mo pa rin kami ha.  sana sweet ka pa rin.

and she'd just say yes and giggle. kahit di nya alam kung bakit ko sinasabi yon, sana subconsciously maitanim ko sa utak nya yung mensahe.

Week 10. Week 9 wasn't mine. somehow that makes me sad. yung sense of ownership, nabawasan. but we can only go solo for so long in this setup. masyadong mabilis angbuhay for slowpoke me.

now THIS is what i REALLY feel

gets ko sya. up until that moment she decided to leave. leave the love of your life? why? i totally get the reason, it's on paper. pero yung emosyon ko. yung emosyon kooooo! di kita magets bitchessa! hindi!!!! ang tanda mo na ha!! pati si C dinamay mo!

pag may stumbling block na ganun, mahirap magpatuloy. pero you just try to understand her. kahit mahirap. you rationalize. itawid mo. kasi pag hindi mo naitatawid sa papel malamang hindi rin maiintindihan ng mga tao. if you dont know the answers, they won't either. it's what you put in there.

so wk 7 onwards was when she just. lost me. but i'm trying to make it work, this relationship with this girl. cause magsasama pa kami til next year. hindi sya ako. pero sinusubukan ko syang unawain.

kainis lang. ang fluid up to that frickin moment. nanay mo may kasalanan. jowa paparusahan? damn twisted logic.

ilang beses ko nang nasabi yan sa mga confidantes at sounding boards at mga immediate na kinauukulan. dahil pag ikaw hindi mo maintindihan, hindi mo maisusulat. the first person you will have to convince is yourself, bitch.

last note. instead of that uber tight sando on C, sana pala bunny rabbit girl's shirt na lang. that would look cuter on him. and ill bet it would go viral. anything on C is viral-ous.

C wearing L's bunny rabbit t-shirt. that would be cute.  SAYANG!

P.S. the fans like the 3r1k santos song. i don't. ako lang ba? hindi lang talaga maganda sa tenga ko. hindi rin ako namumove emotionally. it sounds so 80s. throwback feels.

madness tuesday

changes, changes everyday.

NKKLK.

nasa gitna ka na. biglang titibagin. biglang mag-iiba.

oh well. daily realities.

as if  chasing (missing) deadlines isn't bad enough.

lugmok ako ngayon, puyat, masama pakiramdam. and honestly. times like these... money is my only consolation.

yes, they love the show, yadda yadda. thank you lord. but at the end of the day. it's really all about money to me.

di ko kailangan ng prestige. kailangan ko, moolah.

madness. rght now, just let me fuckin succumb to it. itigil muna natin ang pag-ikot ng letcheng (masikip at lonely) na mundong ito. at maging baliw lang at magsisigaw. dahil need ko ng moolah. at nabubwisit ako sa mga anak ng diyos na dahilan kung bakit mababawasan ang moolah at kailangang magmadali ng mga inilalabas namin. para maaccommodate ang oras nya.

i love those moments. when i feel like i'm in love with you, and i was born for you. but those moments are rare. at sa mundong ito, na sobrang bilis, wala akong time namnamin yung mga moments na yon. dahil 50:50 ang Golden Rule dito. bilis, ganda. pag wala ang isa, wala ring kwenta.

daily realities.  a bitch.

hindi ko alam kung para ba ako sa yo. siguro tama yung isang writer na kakilala ko.  sa ngayon, para ako sa yo. at this point, i'm meant to be here. but if i am. bakit lagi akong late. bakit parang may something sa loob ko na sinusubok ang tadhana. is it a subconscious effort to...i don'nt know... just spit at the concept of time? am i really meant to be this for the rest of my pokpoking life?

which brings to this thought- i want an early retirement. but before you can afford something like that, you should fuckin SAVE. SAVE like you've never saved before. because you can never save enough. the more you save, the earlier you can afford freedom.

i love this. most of the time. no scratch that. half the time. i'm just sad about less moolah now.

stress. more real to me than anything in my list of daily realities to live with, these days.

ayokong magkasakit sa stress. butina lang, nababalanse ng good feelings.

healthy sa body ang show. makes me smile, makes me happy, watching. paano pa kaya kung hindi ko mahal ang show. stress x 100. patayan na ito. ayoko...

may iba akong buhay sa labas nito. pero sa ngayon, ito ang mundo ko hanggang pebrero.

the ones who got away

i miss doing these.

i miss those quiet days and nights in the kitchen. engrossed in the work. yes, i was that serious. i took baking and cookie decorating verrry seriously. 

she was a very engaging mistress. and there was actually a mad moment when i had wanted to run away with her. make her my "wife". 

but then... sigh. the legal wife got a whiff of what i'd been up to. started putting the pressure on me. 

then the mistress got demanding, too. and it came to a point when i had to choose. 

i was a coward. i couldn't fight for what i desired. di ko sya kayang ipaglaban, kasi natatakot akong iwan yung "asawa" ko. maybe i could've made the gamble. but at that point it was too big a gamble. i'm a breadwinner to my parents. i'm sponsoring my brother in college. i still have financial goals. wanting our own house and lot. aiming for millions. many, many goals still. 

of course, there's that possibility that someday this could become a lucrative business. but it might take years before we could break even and start profiting. i couldn't risk that. not until brother is out of frickin' college. mabilis na lang gastusin ang pera ngayon. you can never save enough. 

besides, the "wife" has been so good to me. she has taken care of me for the past 5 years. i lost my "virginity" in the industry to her. in many ways, i grew up with her. ang ganda pa ng pangalan nya. kaya kahit anong akit sa akin ng "kabit" ko...ang hirap i-ignore ng mga factors na yon. kung magbabalak kang hiwalayan ang "asawang" ganon... it will have to be really worth it. prize catch sya sa mata ng marami. and once upon a time, i too, had only dreamed of her. she was a dream come true. just like how this mistress became to me.  

so i had to break up with the kabit.  as in, sever all ties. kasi alam ko, kapag half-half ako, madadarang na naman ako. it's either i love you, or i don't. 

well. it was fun while it lasted.  and we had many "children". 

at narealize ko rin, mas mahal ko ang misis ko. i belong with her. this is what i'm meant to do, for the next few or many years. i think. 

but who knows. maybe someday. babalikan kita. pwede siguro ngayon, pafling fling. pero hindi na negosyo. i'll bake for family. i'll bake for friends. pero not for money. 

ibibigay na yun sa akin ng wifey ko. sabi ng wifey ko, just be good to me. give me what i need. work hard on it. you won't have to worry about money. haha. #sugarmommy

hay, the kitchen. my second home. someday, babalikan kita.  like the shooting set. babalikan ko kayo someday. 

for now, back to the phosphorus screen. deadline to meet baby! bring it on, wifey! 

write like your life depended on it.

and it does.
at least, livelihood does.

pero kung magsusulat ako na parang may nakatutok na baril sa ulo ko at kung ma-late ako kahit 1- minuto eh puputok ang baril, tingnan lang natin kung malate pa ako, ever. EVER.

so yan ang bago kong motivation. tama na ang soft motivation (clarky). hard naman ngayon. di ka makuha sa landi, makuha ka sa sindak beeyatch.

pero may little voice in my head kasi na lagi akong dinadarang. WAG KA MUNA MAGSULAT. MANOOD KA MUNA NG DVD. MALIGO KA MUNA. KUMAIN KA MUNA. GAWIN MO NA MUNA LAHAT BAGO YUG DAPAT MONG GAWIIIN.

hindi ko alam kung saan galing yun. demonyo, malamang. at ang dami nyang ginagamit na instrumento.

oo na. fine. walang ibang dapat sisihin sa pagiging late ko kundi ako.

dapat medyo taasan ko ang pagpapahalaga ko sa punctuality. kasi aminado, mas importante sa akin ang quality. isipin mo na lang, sa criteria ng 100%, 50-50 sila. walang lamang. kung maaga nga pero pangit, laos. kung maganda nga pero late, LAOS pa rin.

50-50. kelan ka makaka100%??? ayoko na ng 50% letche! baka nga 40% ka lang, kaya wag ka magmaganda!

happy thoughts.

• a finished and complete week 8 script
• good feedback for week 8 script. 
• the day i submit the finale script, many months from now. 
• a good finale script. 
• movie date with osobear
• a finished and complete run with consistently good episodes and good (good is enough, di na ako aasinta muna ng great) story development from beginning to end.  
• a DVD copy of said show 
• vacay abroad with my mama and baby girl 
• wrap party! nang walang iniisip na deadline!
• selfie with J/C na maayos ang kuha ko at mukhang masaya sya na kaselfie ako!
• beer at the wrap party
• late 20s-30s na ratings for the show
• a finished day 5 para makapagpahinga ako kahit sandali lang.
• a beautiful beach 
• sunsets and sunrises.
• long hugs that won't let go from my babygirl.
• long hugs that won't let go osobear. (kung ayaw ni hubby, kay J/C. haha #asa)
• me at 48 kilos again. 
• hanging out with babygirl playing P VS Z.
• taking babygirl to school without worrying about work
• being with babygirl without worrying about work
• european vacation nang di iniisip ang gastos
• multimillions invested in different instruments 
• being financially stable. not needing to work to survive. 
• the day my brother finishes friggin college. 
• that giddy kilig feeling i get when writing something i'm particul

umay is good

it works well for us. pero grabe, umay to the a1dub level, just hearing those screaming fans.

pero dapat talaga magpasalamat ako. kasi the day that i don't hear those screaming fans would be the day we don't want to happen.

maraming beses na habang nagsusulat ako, kinikilig ako sa isang eksena. if it works on me, it might work on others too, cause i'm a pretty common kinda girl. lalona sigurong magandang mapanood, with a director who's just wonderful and on point when it comes to mounting those kiligsenas. i love her for that already.

kaso, nanditona tayo sa puntong...paano ako kikiligin kung hindi pa ako nakasakay. hay. diesel. hanggang kailan kita paiinitin, bwitre ka.

good to great, like to love

feeling ko, under stress, under pressure, the best that i can come up with would only be something to the level of "good".

"good" is passable, "good" is pwede na.  but we don't want good. we want "great". and more than once in this journey, people above me have turned something "good" into something "great". genius, almost, which i genuiunely appreciate.

kung may time lang sana, i would want to make "great" my goal, every single time. pero pag pagod kana... "good" is enough. tragic.


people can teach you things and you can learn from them.  it doesn't matter how old you are, who they are, or what the circumstances are. everyone has something useful to offer, and i should learn from people whatever i can learn from them.

going, going, gone.

hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito ako. may anti-bandwagon mentality. kapag nagustuhan na nang iba to OA proportions ang nagustuhan ko, it kinda turns me off. nawawala na yung interes ko, dahil sa utak ko parang nagiging overrated na sila.

i used to like A1dub. loved them to bits. and then, everyone went berserk over them. i stopped watching altogether. nawalan na ko ng interes.

parang poging lalake. nung dalaga pa ako, i rarely have crushes on the conventionally handsome (doesn't incllude movie stars). kasi pag conventionally handsome, malamang maraming ibang nagkakagusto. bukod pa sa takot ako sa heartbreak dahil maraming tukso, ayoko din nung idea na isa lang ako sa isang batalyon at hindi unique ang taste ko. (#nagpapakaiba?)

parang ganito rin ang nangyayari kay J/C. everywhere i go, everywhere i look online, lahat na lang babae yata eh nagwowater-water sa kanya. a wonderful thing for our show.  pero parang naumay na tuloy ako sa mukhang yun. kasi lahat na lang sya ang bukambibig. lahat na lang ng panty everywhere kailangang pigain when he does that signature smoldering soul-gaze.  he's become the new pi0lo, na noon hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kinahihimatayan (dahil siguro the female frenzy preceded him bago ko sya nakilala o nakatrabaho). i'd rather go for the low-key, pero wala namang ibang low-key na pwedeng maging inspirasyon, at hindi naman pinipilit ang ganon bagay.

basag trip #1. pag naging crush ng sambayanang kababaihan ang crush mo. (hindi sa nagseselos ako. alam naman nating lahat na wala tayong pag-asa sa kanya. haha. ayoko lang talaga sa supermainstream. mainstream na ngang maituturing, uma-a1dub levels pa).

so thank you, for giving me gasolina for weeks 3-7. okay, week 8. fuel running low. :-( that's when i realized i'm getting over this little "inspirational" ek.  not even the thought of you beckoning me to sit down and write your story could fire me up. :-(

huhuhu. i need something else to fire me up.  nasa punto na ako na hindi ko na maintindihan ang babae. hindi ko masakyan ang motivation nya, dahil hindi ko naman naranasan ang naranasan nya. and even if i was placed in that situation, i would've reacted differently.

11 more weeks of labor to go. lord, help me. please, just a dint of brilliance and discipine lord. deadline kopo bukas.

learnings

week 8. script.

grabe ka. uhuhu. i hate you! i wanna kick your lazy ass!

don't break the illusion. one glitch in the matrix, the illusion is broken, and there goes their fantasy.

do an emotion map. ON PAPER. mark the progress, mark the exact turning points. on print. do NOT rely on instinct and memory, cause when you're puyat/pagod/distracted/ whatever, sometimes instinct and memory ain't gonna be enough.

when it comes to this, i'm a virtual grade schooler. i might need a few more shows in this same setup (more responsibilities, more autonomy) to get the hang of this. good thing is, right now, i'm fricking game for it. 

  

procrasstinating weighs

Reality. always a dampener, as far as my semi-obsession with this boy is concerned. truth is he's so different from the character he's playing, right down to the wedding ring on his finger, that powerful little detail.

looks of an angel. those eyes. vulnerable one time, seductive the next. but then i see a video of him playing horsey horsey with his fellow male celebrity, looking like a little boy na nakawala sa playpen. toink. there goes C. hello, J, you 22-year-old little tot you.


it's going to be a long, long long night. hopefully, the last night for this friggin treatment.

sabi ng EP, go girl. maganda show natin. hindi nya alam kung gaano ko naappreciate yung little rah-rah nyang yun.

gasolina. food, hugs, appreciation, and food for the illusions like J/C

week 8

4:55 am. time's a-ticking. like a timebomb waiting to explode on my friggin procrastinating face.
isipin mo na lang. responsibilidad mo yan.
kapag nalate ka, apektado ang iba.
mahiya ka naman. tapusin mo na!

ang mahirap, yung di mo pa alam ang gagawin :-( yung nangangapa ka sa dilim. at instead na dun ka nagsusulat, dito sa blog, for some bitchin reason na ikaw mismo di mo alam.

ghosts haunting me.

please, haunt me.

C looks so sexy with that wedding ring on. makes a man out of him, i guess. that face looks youthful, but that face+the wedding ring adds manhood points. which makes him more attractive in this 30ish girl's eyes.

J, never mind him. him and the girls. him and the adulation. i'd rather float away with my illusions of C who looks like J, cause he's the perfect one, the good one, the one who will love his girl til forever.

the one who would tell you he'd still come back for you, no matter what.
the one who would say, there's no one else, just you.
the one who would put on a mascot costume and dance silly, para sa babaeng mahal nya.
yung sasalo sa yo kapag mahuhulog ka.
yung mahihingahan mo ng sama ng loob at makikinig at pwedeng iyakan ang balikat nya.
yung titingnan ka na parang ang ganda ganda mo at ikaw lang ang nag-iisang babae sa mundo.
yung titingnan ka na parang di nya macontain ang love and longing nya para sa yo.


okay beeyatch. fantasy over. don't work. labor. go into labor!!! put your heart in it! get in the frickin zone or else!!!

feverish

week 8  treatment, deadline by friday.

so stop being a fan and work, beeyatch! grrr!

this made me cry

Namiss ko ang anak ko. 

I see her everyday, get to hug her and kiss her. But these days, I seldom get to be with her. As in, really spend time with her. I don't resent my job for that, we all need to work (at swerte na ako na sa bahay ako nagtatrabaho), but I'm just sad. That it's taking time away from my child, at a time when every moment, every single day counts, because her time as a child is limited and she won't be this small forever. Instead of me, it's her yaya who gets to be by her side, the first person she sees in the morning and the last person she sees at night. Instead of me, it's yaya who gets to give her her baths, help her prepare for school, make hatid-sundo, prepare her meals. Instead of me, it's yaya who gets to have memories of these precious days. these days won't happen again, and I feel sad, and i can only hope that before she gets to be 7, 8 or 9, I'd be actively participating in her life again, enjoy those final years of early childhood with her, make memories with her as her mother. 

This is something that only working mothers might probably relate to. When a woman becomes a mother, everything else will become second priority. When you become a mother, marirealize mo na posible palang mamiss mo ang isang tao kahit wala pang 5 minutes kang nahiwalay sa kanya. When you become a mother,  quitting the ratrace and becoming a fulltime mom becomes an option, and the option. But you need to work, and you want to. So the yaya enters the picture to do the things you cannot do for your child. 

I was raised by yayas and a lola. hindi naman nagbago ang pagmamahal ko sa Mama ko. But as a mother, I really want to be hands-on. I've always tried my best to be hands-on, the be an active parent in her life. I had wanted to be the one to teach her to read, to write, to count. I had wanted to be the one to take her to school on her very first day. I had wanted (and still want) to be the one to tutor her in her homework, review her for her tests. I had wanted to be the one to teach her how to put her clothes on, how to put on her socks and her shoes. And so I did. 

Grateful ako kay Lord na binigyan ako ng free time these past 5 years, to get to be with my daughter. Siguro, sabi nya, okay na yun 5 years na nahubog mo ang pagkatao nya, na naging active participant ka sa everyday life nya.  She'll be fine. Ngayon, sabi ni Lord, kailangan kong mag-focus sa trabaho ko. Kailangan kong mag-give back, because this company, my bosses, they have been kind to me since Day 1. I think about it now, and somehow it makes me feel better.  Knowing that my Audrey will be fine. Cause she's 5, and her teacher says she's a good girl, pwede na akong maging kampante somehow. 

I love this project, there are highs and lows. To be able to commit myself 100%, I needed to go back to a version of me that existed long before Audrey came. And in that aspect, nagiguilty ako. Dahil hindi na ako yun ngayon. Once you become a mother, you'll always be a mother, pero these past few months, I've been someone else. I know my daughter is in good hands, kaya I allowed it, pero pag nakakabasa ako ng mga posts tulad ng nasa taas, naiiyak ako.  Reminded again , that to gain some you have to lose some, and in this case, it's precious time with my daughter. 

Alas 3 na ng umaga. may deadline pa and I'm running behind schedule again. Babalik na naman ako sa 20ish self ko, pero bago ako magpalit na naman ng pagkatao, I just needed to let all this out. When this project is over, babawi ako ng oras sa anak ko. Nang bonggang bongga. 

at least---and amazingly, parang binulong sa akin ng Diyos ngayon ngayon lang--- she's in good shape, character-wise, at this point. She'll be fine. Thank you Lord, for that reassurance. That's all I really need to know.