Hello Week 7 (on Keetow)

And scale says, I've lost a total of 7 kilos (a little more than 15 lbs). Yey!

Pero syempre, chubby pa rin. A lot more to lose. At 55.9 kgs, 5 kilos away from target weight of 50 kilos. Ang hirap mag-lose ng 1 kilo. It takes a week. At the rate I'm going. Week 6 I only lost 1.2 kilos. That's normal, and relatively happy naman ako sa progress.  After all I'm barely into my second month.

I always remind myself of the toilet paper analogy. Toilet paper rolls just keep unraveling, you hardly notice them shrinking. But in time, they do shrink until there's no more toilet paper left. Syempre ayoko naman nung wala nang natira sa akin. Haha. But you get the idea. The body shrinks in time. It takes time. Because it didn't take me just a few weeks to gain all this fat.

Hopefully, by June, I'd have reached 50 kgs. I haven't taken weight loss this seriously in a LONG time, haha. But I'm happy with the keetow way of eating. I'm not as hungry as I used to (of course, may "tulong" ako from the appetite suppressant I'm taking, pero okay lang... in time siguro di ko na sya kakailanganin). I cook my own food, I make sure I don't go overboard with the calories and the carbs (pero estimation lang ang ginagawa ko. I don't weigh my food or compute my macros or anything like that). I usually fat-fast (drink high-fat coffee) until the late afternoon and eat only in the evening.

I can now fit into some old clothes. Yesterday I was at the mall and passed by these full-length mirrors. I've passed by these mirrors so many times in the past, but usually I'd get disgusted by what I'd see. I'd usually be reminded of how fat I am. :-( But yesterday, hindi ako nandiri. Nakita ko ang difference. Kaya ko nang sikmurain yung nakita kong reflection. But then narealize ko rin, malaki pa rin talaga ang midsection. Hehe.

Because of keetow research I've come to understand my body more. To burn fat you need to break them down first. How to break them down? They say the best way is to do intermittent fasting. So today I'm doing an intermittent fast til 4pm.

Sana lang talaga.. by June.. 50 kgs na. Target for Week 7 is a steady 55 kgs.  I haven't gone down the scale this low since 2015, I think. Grabe, 2015 is 4 years ago?!? Tumatanda tayo na di natin namamalayan.

Other perks- I think my skin is clearer. Yesterday lumabas ako without putting on any makeup. Not even foundation. Pero same effect as when I would put on foundation.

Normally din, I'd be too lazy to exercise. Pero may mga bursts of energy ako na feeling ko kaya kong mag-exercise in bursts and I'd be compelled to. Kahapon nga lang kulang ako sa tulog kaya mabigat ang katawan ko. Pero normally... hindi na ako nagki-cringe at the thought of moderate physical activity.

* * *  

So.. silence. I love peace and quiet. It allows me to gather my thoughts. And at times, I'm compelled to pray.  I'm scared of new things. I'm scared of failure, not being capable enough to give what is expected of me. Pero everything I'm scared of... dadaanin ko sa dasal. Lord, please calm my turbulent waters. I know if I surrender it all to You.. wala akong dapat ipag-alala.

There are two pending jobs that I'm actually worried about. Pero KAYA KO 'TO. KAKAYANIN. Kasi kailangan. I should believe in God more. Lord, tulungan Nyo akong magawa ang kailangan kong gawin, and meet (even exceed) their expectations.

Magagawa ko nang maganda ang dapat gawin for the raket.  Kung sakali mang mahirap, kakayanin ko. Makakaya ko.

At ang revision ng script for the weekly TV show, marerevise ko nang madulas at magaan. Kahit mahirap, kakayanin ko. Makakaya ko.

Lord, I surrender all these to You. I believe in You. With You helping me, there is NOTHING that I cannot do.

DAY 39 on Keetow (attempt 3)

... and I woke up today at 56.1 kgs.  Lowest I've been in 4 years, I think.
Pero uminom ako ng kape at tubig, biglang naging 56.5. haha. water weight is a bummer.

Nasusuot ko na ulit yung mga pambahay ko na dati masikip at di ako magkalakas loob ng isuot. Pero at 56.1, I'm still a long way from my target goal - at least 50 kgs.

eh dati nga nung late 20s ako, 48 kgs ako. Huhu. Tatanggapin ko nang malamang hindi na ako makabalik sa ganun kapayat, ever. Ayoko rin naman yung mukhang lollipop. Gusto ko lang na umalis sa pagiging "chubby".

so 50 kgs it is.

sabi nila after 6 weeks, posibleng maging fat-adapted ka na- meaning, your body has been conditioned to get its energy from fat (instead of carbs and sugar). so these past few days, napansin ko, steady ang physical energy ko even in the wee hours (my peak time- 11pm til dawn!), nag-eexercise ako during this time nang hindi nanlalata afterwards. at kahit mabagal pa rin akong magsulat, mas mahaba kesa dati ang stamina ko. hindi kasinghirap unlike when I'd force myself to write - parang may mga bakal na pabigat ang mga paa ko.

so Day 1 (weds) nakapagsulat ako ng 17 seqs (maiikli at action-oriented, but still). di na masama pero below quota ko na 20 seqs.
Day 2, (thu) nagpakapasaway ako! :-( mas kaunti pa dun.
Day 3 (kagabi), nakaabot hanggang gap 3-- pero pasaway pa rin.

at ngayon, supposedly deadline ko ng 10 am, pero dahil maraming adjustments sila na nirerequire.. eto ako.. (nagbablog!?) nasa gitna ng body 4 pero nakakasulat naman kahit wala ang puso. mahirap magsulat nang wala ang puso mo, kaya in fairness. keetow (and maybe the appetite suppressant) gets all the credit.

may dinner kami ng friends tomorrow evening kaya dapat, dapat dapat matapos ko 'to by tomorrow afternoon :-( LORD... bigyan nyo po ako ng gasolina at inspirasyon para matapos ang script.

last note-- at 56.1, may tiyan pa rin, may taba pa rin sa tagiliran. thunder thighs pa rin. but I'm getting there. wala pa akong 2 months on the diet.

in 3 weeks, sana, 54 kgs na ako.
in 6 months (june), sana, steady 50 kgs na ako.

DAHIL THROWBACK THURSDAY NAMAN- PUBLISHING THIS DRAFT from 2 years ago.

Joys and Lessons from 2017

Pessimist me would've rephrased it as "joys and pains", but 37 years on earth and I've come to realize that pain is given to us for a purpose. Most of the time, to teach us lessons. That's the kind of pain that is not unwelcome. Kung may blind spot ka about yourself at may kailangang matutunan, sometimes it takes pain to ram the lesson into your head. And heart. And very being.

But when it comes to pain I've had in 2017--- really, it would not be right to complain about it. I have much more to be thankful for, and I'm not BS-ing. Others have known greater pain, so it would not be right to make a big deal out of mine.

But I did have a few lessons learned. sometimes the semi-hard way. The stressful way. The emotionally grueling way.

But, let's start with the joys I've had in the year that just passed:

The blessings I've had for years now. Love. Family. Friends. Our daughter, Audrey. Sabi ko nga nung 2011, hindi ako magrereklamo kung status quo, basta pagdating sa pamilya ko, at sa mga taong mahal ko, walang magbabago. My marriage is not perfect (I don't know if anyone else's is! Define perfect?), but it's a steady, stable, content one. And I am so blessed and grateful to the Lord for a husband who may not be a passionate romantic, but a principled, faithful, steady kind of guy whom I know I need not be worried about. I am one of the lucky ones, I hope he does not change, Lord. If ever, only for the better. A little lambing would be a great add-on though. Haha.

Family. My mother. My father. My mother-in-law.  My in laws. The people in my family's life. Thank you Lord for them, who make our lives happier, easier, more harmonious. Para kaming nagbabahay-bahayan ng asawa ko sa totoo lang, with the full support of our Mommy A. Thank You Lord, for Mommy A. And thank You Lord, for my mother, whom I literally can't live without. Thank You Lord, for my husband's brother, who has lent us his house, this beautiful space that we are living in. So many things to be thankful for, since 2010. Sana po hindi sila magsawa.

Friends. By now I've come to realize who my true friends are. At this stage, it's hard for me to be emotionally committed to new people--  and I don't really label people anymore (maingat na ako sa label na "friend" ko sya-- because with that label comes commitment maybe, or because friendship, to me, has taken on a deeper meaning, and I haven't really come across a lot of people during my 30s that move me enough for me to give them that "friend" label.

Work. There have been more lessons than joys, truth be told. But the joys are, well, connected to the lessons. you get to appreciate what you have when you are taken out of the situation you've somehow taken for granted. So my joys this 2017 when it comes to work--- kind, considerate bosses. Harmonious working relationships. And yes, money. We work for money, I have always unabashedly admitted that. But fulfillment from work you can never really take out of the equation, otherwise hindi ka tatagal. So am I fulfilled at work this 2017? Not as much as I had been in 2015, but I have learned lessons, and that's something to be joyous about.

Add to that, discovering really good series online. Narcos. Orphan Black. Boring pakinggan, pero kasama ang panonood sa quest ko to want to be better at my job. Ain't I the luckiest gal? Watching series and movies as part of the job!  Tuloy lang ang pag-eevolve, somehow, as a writer, as a storyteller. Learning a few new tricks. Respecting story characters more. Going back to my instinctive storytelling desires (twists! unpredictable stuff! shock value!) and merging that with what I have already learned.

Little sources of thrill. Oh, Logan. You changed my 2017.

throwback thursday

May 2009:

i just want to say, thank you God.

for everything and nothing in particular.

for the work-free weekend ahead of me (knock on wood).

for work that i enjoy.

for sweet little inspirations.

for comfy real loves.

for the internet.

for those wonderful moments that i savor right after the work is done.

for my keanna.

for first vitaplus.

for my bed.

for the weather.

thank you po. i should always remember to tell you that.

February 2019:

same prayer, give or take some. (one-half lang ng weekend ang magiging work-free.. dapat one-half lang! kaya GOOO! di na ako nagva-vitaplus, at hindi na lang si keanna ang "anak" ko.

but for everything else, and more.. thank You God. kasi minsan, nakakalimutan kong magpasalamat. for the big and little things, for the constants in my life that sometimes I have come to take for granted.

Thank You. Thank You po!

one request po, Lord. Sana po matapos ko ang script kong more than 80 sequences by saturday morning. I'm barely in the 20th sequence. Lord, sana po bigyan nyo ako ng stamina, clarity of mind, bilis at focus. I'm tired of breaking promises, Lord, gusto ko nang magbago. sana Lord, just this once, maunahan ko ang work deadline ko. Please Lord.

hello diary

i miss talking to myself. :-D it's sad nights (or very early mornings) like this when all of a sudden i just want to drop by and write. for myself.

not that i'm complaining. about writing for others. that's how i earn, and i thank God. sometimes, though, i wish i'd have other sources of income. other skills that i can monetize. and get fulfillment from, at the same time. like directing, maybe. or whatever.

it was my TOTGA, that directing dream. and i used to be emotional about it, linking it to passion and emotion all that youthful stuff. but now i just think about money. i think about whether i have what it takes to actually make good money from it. all the directing stuff i've done in the past-- what little of it-- seem to belong to a different life. sobrang tagal na, hindi pa digital ang mga bagay bagay. sobrang tagal na, hindi ko alam kung may natitira pang skill sa katawan ko.

but it would be cool, though, to get paid for something i used to really, thoroughly enjoy doing. and directing was it. i can live without doing it, it's not something that i'd give an arm to be able to do, but earning good money from it would be, well, cool.

pero well. i chose a different path. and i may have so many reservations and uncertainties about my level of skill where writing is concerned, but after all these years of experience, imposibleng wala naman akong natutunang skill, kahit papano. this is the only thing that i know how to do, this well. even if i'm not sure if "well" is "good enough".

so the other day, lumabas ako sa bakuran ng mother network, at doon ko lang narealize yun. that this skill is one of those things that I can offer that people are actually interested in-- and would pay good money to get. oh well. too early to tell. i'm embarking on a new side project and we're only at the beginning, and i just want to be positive. i want to BELIEVE that i will be able to do the project well, and deliver the good and meet their expectations. HOPEFULLY.. even exceed them.

only then will i be able to say with certainty, i have something to offer that people would pay good money to get.

(so reading back, i realized that... where the enyagram personality test is concerned, i'm Type 3 and Type 4 combined. hindi ko lang alam kung ano ang mas nakakalamang.)

thankful. because last last sunday i prayed. for a windfall. for a blessing from God, in whatever shape or form. then out of the blue, this project came.  literally, out of the blue. literally, like from the hand of God. in writing parlance, we call it deus ex machina. At totoo sya. dahil walang pinanggalingan... yung planting, 4 years ago pa nangyari, and it's only now na nagpay off sya.

sana lang, this week, hindi muna nila ako bulabugin and require output from me. kasi may matinding deadline ako na kailangang mameet by saturday morning. and if i know what's good for me, i really should be reading now. bilang 3 AM na pero hindi pa ako inaantok, and the appetite suppressant i'm on giving me the blues.

yeah, i'm back to obsessively going on a diet and watching my weight. i've never really taken it this seriously, not in years. i'm on keetow again, for the third time, and since day 1 (january 3) i'd gone from 62.9 kgs to 57.1. 6 weeks in, more than 12 lbs. hindi na masama pero hindi rin bongga. kasi dalawang linggo na yata akong nagsostall.

and the appetite suppressant is helping me stick to the keetow diet. at dahil sobrang mahal nya, hindi ko sya pwedeng sayangin. kelangan, in 30 days, makalose ako ng significant amount of weight. i'm at the lowest weight i'd been in years (i started getting really, truly FAT around 2015) pero from 57.1 sana in 30 days mag-55 kilos naman ako. 54, if possible.

frugality. with everything else. frugality, and more discipline. that should keep me surviving.

oh, and it's our church wedding anniversary today. 5 years ago, i put on a gown and got married in front of the Lord. Thank You Lord. Praying for forever. For life. With my husband, my most significant other.

so what's the plan for the next few days?
- write
- finish the commissioned clay jewelry (yeah, it's become sort of a little side business kahit halos barya lang, I appreciate it! pangGrav na rin hehe)
- and if the peeps from the side project ask stuff from me, deliver them

really.. I need to read a script now to prepare writing finale week.

P.S.
These days, we've been spending more time with our pug, Osama. The kids love her. My babygirl loves her. And my babygirl is still my clingy, sweet loveable 8 year old. Sana hindi sya magbago.