hello diary

i miss talking to myself. :-D it's sad nights (or very early mornings) like this when all of a sudden i just want to drop by and write. for myself.

not that i'm complaining. about writing for others. that's how i earn, and i thank God. sometimes, though, i wish i'd have other sources of income. other skills that i can monetize. and get fulfillment from, at the same time. like directing, maybe. or whatever.

it was my TOTGA, that directing dream. and i used to be emotional about it, linking it to passion and emotion all that youthful stuff. but now i just think about money. i think about whether i have what it takes to actually make good money from it. all the directing stuff i've done in the past-- what little of it-- seem to belong to a different life. sobrang tagal na, hindi pa digital ang mga bagay bagay. sobrang tagal na, hindi ko alam kung may natitira pang skill sa katawan ko.

but it would be cool, though, to get paid for something i used to really, thoroughly enjoy doing. and directing was it. i can live without doing it, it's not something that i'd give an arm to be able to do, but earning good money from it would be, well, cool.

pero well. i chose a different path. and i may have so many reservations and uncertainties about my level of skill where writing is concerned, but after all these years of experience, imposibleng wala naman akong natutunang skill, kahit papano. this is the only thing that i know how to do, this well. even if i'm not sure if "well" is "good enough".

so the other day, lumabas ako sa bakuran ng mother network, at doon ko lang narealize yun. that this skill is one of those things that I can offer that people are actually interested in-- and would pay good money to get. oh well. too early to tell. i'm embarking on a new side project and we're only at the beginning, and i just want to be positive. i want to BELIEVE that i will be able to do the project well, and deliver the good and meet their expectations. HOPEFULLY.. even exceed them.

only then will i be able to say with certainty, i have something to offer that people would pay good money to get.

(so reading back, i realized that... where the enyagram personality test is concerned, i'm Type 3 and Type 4 combined. hindi ko lang alam kung ano ang mas nakakalamang.)

thankful. because last last sunday i prayed. for a windfall. for a blessing from God, in whatever shape or form. then out of the blue, this project came.  literally, out of the blue. literally, like from the hand of God. in writing parlance, we call it deus ex machina. At totoo sya. dahil walang pinanggalingan... yung planting, 4 years ago pa nangyari, and it's only now na nagpay off sya.

sana lang, this week, hindi muna nila ako bulabugin and require output from me. kasi may matinding deadline ako na kailangang mameet by saturday morning. and if i know what's good for me, i really should be reading now. bilang 3 AM na pero hindi pa ako inaantok, and the appetite suppressant i'm on giving me the blues.

yeah, i'm back to obsessively going on a diet and watching my weight. i've never really taken it this seriously, not in years. i'm on keetow again, for the third time, and since day 1 (january 3) i'd gone from 62.9 kgs to 57.1. 6 weeks in, more than 12 lbs. hindi na masama pero hindi rin bongga. kasi dalawang linggo na yata akong nagsostall.

and the appetite suppressant is helping me stick to the keetow diet. at dahil sobrang mahal nya, hindi ko sya pwedeng sayangin. kelangan, in 30 days, makalose ako ng significant amount of weight. i'm at the lowest weight i'd been in years (i started getting really, truly FAT around 2015) pero from 57.1 sana in 30 days mag-55 kilos naman ako. 54, if possible.

frugality. with everything else. frugality, and more discipline. that should keep me surviving.

oh, and it's our church wedding anniversary today. 5 years ago, i put on a gown and got married in front of the Lord. Thank You Lord. Praying for forever. For life. With my husband, my most significant other.

so what's the plan for the next few days?
- write
- finish the commissioned clay jewelry (yeah, it's become sort of a little side business kahit halos barya lang, I appreciate it! pangGrav na rin hehe)
- and if the peeps from the side project ask stuff from me, deliver them

really.. I need to read a script now to prepare writing finale week.

P.S.
These days, we've been spending more time with our pug, Osama. The kids love her. My babygirl loves her. And my babygirl is still my clingy, sweet loveable 8 year old. Sana hindi sya magbago.