the perfect life

right now, at 40 years old, the perfect life for me is freedom. financial freedom. 

freedom to do what i want, what i love, without having to worry about earning money or losing it.

freedom to travel the world, go to any darn beach whenever i feel like it, be with my loved ones. 

to be able to give my loved ones everything they need, whatever they want. freedom from financial worries. that's the "perfect life" for me, at 40. 

of course, at 45, 50... pwede pang mag-iba ang notion ko of the perfect life. i'm just so preoccupied by money right now. earning it. saving it. growing it. when i was 36, i bought a lot, the most expensive thing i've ever bought in my life--at hindi pala birong bunuin ang pagbabayad for something like that. lalo na kung marami kang expenses. at maraming work-related setbacks na hindi mo ineexpect. many times i'd find myself thinking, sana hindi ko na lang sya binili. i know it's an investment, pero... ang bigat nya. tapos ko na syang bayaran, pero technically, hindi pa. siguro kung hindi ko sya binili, i'd have little bit of freedom right now. 

so many things on my mind. so many things to do, everyday. so many. ganito pala kapag kwarenta ka na. super-adulting. and in the eyes of my 20-year old self, the girl I'd been when I started writing in this blog-- boring. puro bills, tasks, things-to-do. 

our daughter is growing, right before my very eyes. on the verge of pagdadalaga. ang nakakalungkot, dahil sobrang busy ko, hindi ko magawang maging hands-on sa kanya. she's 10, hindi na naman alagain, but she still craves for mama time. para bang kulang na kulang. gutom na gutom sa atensyon ko. and that will always be a source of guilt for me. 

siguro, kung hindi ko binili ang lupa 4 years ago, hindi ko kailangang kumayod nang ganito. mas may time ako para sa anak ko. or maybe, i'm really just this way. driven for more. driven to be more. hindi na sa career na binuno ko for the past 11 or so years. kundi sa isang bagong arena where i am virtually a newbie. 

business. manufacturing business. i'm an online seller. manufacturer of homemade products, which i sell and market online. this little business takes up most of my waking hours. i've been at it for almost a year now (the online store is turning 1 year old this nov 6). it's running me, not the other way around. minsan kahit sa panaginip, tinatrabaho ko sya. 

nakapinid sa negosyong ito ang pinakamataas na pangarap ko. i look at this as the solution. the key to my dreams, to road to the perfect life. but as i go along, i realize, how little i know about running a business. how much i have yet to learn. how badly i need... education.. a mentor, maybe? 

the Lord is my mentor. my guide. He has always been. minsan, nakakalimutan ko. I'm sorry, Lord. nung nagsisimula ako. I was lost. felt lost and alone. madalas akong makaramdam noon ng takot.. ng kawalan ng pag-asa.. sandamakmak na doubts. "may patutunguhan ba itong ginagawa ko? o nag-aaksaya lang ako ng panahon?" and whenever those doubts and the fear would grip me-- the fear of failure, of having wasted time-- I'd pray. in the kitchen, on the road, at mass every Sunday-- I'd pray. and i'd be comforted. In the early days of keetow kuzinah, God would give me just enough para mapanatiling buhay ang hope sa loob ko. just enough divine intervention moments. the Be Good Store moment. the Radyo Negosyo. the erth organics. those were "breaks" in my mind, at the time. walang pinatunguhan ang Be Good dahil nagsara ang lugar. the erth organics did not push through. but those incidents, "opportunities" in my eyes--- they kept my hope afloat. springing up like a well inside of me. i remember the high. the grateful heart i had. i'd never felt more alive during those moments. it reminded me of the time I learned i got the first job i really really wanted to have. it was bliss. 

fast forward to 12 months later. the pandemic notwithstanding, i am still full of hope. i started with one product, now we have 5. and now, "I" has become "we"--- my family. i spent maybe 5k as a starting puhunan. maybe more. but now i have invested probably more than a hundred grand into this thing. a hundred grand and hundreds of days and night awake and working. cooking and cooking. marketing, selling. bottling, packing, coordinating deliveries, closing transactions. this business won't be small forever. this business will grow, it has to. dahil ang laki na ng puhunan ko dito. not just money. but time. effort. my whole body and soul. No turning back now. this has to work. 

so nagblog lang ako dahil gusto kong ikwento ang tungkol sa negosyo ko. haha. sorry. 20yearold me would have been bored to near tears now. but we all have to have something we care about, deeply. i love my family, they are my constant. i care about my friends. but besides my longtime constants, this new business has a very special place in my heart. i don't know if this will work. i don't know if payayamanin ako nito, like multi millionaire levels. but i will do my damn best, give it my damn everything, to make those dreams come true. to make this business grow. into a multimillion peso business. how? i dont know. but what i don't know.. God knows. and God will always be my mentor. 

by 50, gusto ko nang maging free. free to live the "perfect life", as i see it now, at 40. 

SHIT. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M 40. MY TITAS WERE THE 40 YEAR OLDS. time. the most valuable commodity in the world.

Negosyo

Kapag may negosyo ka, bawal ang tamad.

Kasi pag tamad ka, or even ningas-kugon, or kung kelan lang may gana saka kikilos, hindi maggogrow ang negosyo. Baka mawala pa sya.

Para syang pagiging hands-on na nanay sa isang anak. Lagi mo syang iniisip, 24/7. Kaya importante talaga na yung negosyong papasukin mo, mataas ang passion mo for it. Driven ka talaga to succeed in it. It's what will get you through those "tamad" times, those times when you crave for more sleep, more rest, more tunganga/rest time. Your passion will get you past those cravings of the flesh and stay focused, to stay disciplined.

Isa pa, kapag may negosyo ka, kailangan matibay ang loob mo. Dahil ang problema, laging susulpot. In various degrees of kalalaan. Minsan may lugi. Minsan may reklamo ang kliyente. Pag didibdibin mo everytime, pag maga-unravel ka emotionally sa bawat problemang dumating, paano na? Kailangan matibay ka. Harapin ang problema, hanapan ng solusyon, and charge to experience. Para hindi na maulit.

Lastly, and this I got from watching this Kdrama Itaewon Class--- kapag may-ari ka ng negosyo at may mga tao ka, mas importante ang pagiging makatao sa mga tao. Lalo na kung pamilya mo sila. Hehe. Dalawa lang naman ang kasama ko sa maliit na negosyo-- ang nanay at kapatid ko. We are not perfect people, not even me. Booboos will happen. Oversights will happen. Tiredness, exhaustion, personal problems will happen. Grabe ang pagmamahal ko sa negosyo namin, pero note to self ko na mas mahal ko ang mga taong kasama ko. Lalo na dahil sila ay nanay at kapatid ko. Mas importante ang physical and emotional well-being nila. Importante that I be fair and reasonable and considerate about their needs. Dahil walang negosyo na kinakaya ng iisang tao lang. At ang negosyong nagtatagumpay at the expense of people's well-being is not a business worth pursuing.

So ilang beses na akong nagpapraktis maging negosyante over the years. Little businesses online, since 2013. Pero late 2019 lang talaga ako nagseryoso sa isang negosyong pangarap kong palakihin as a brand balang araw. And because I dream of that for this business, kelangan fulltime. Kelangan tutok. Kelangan masipag 24/7, never lose sight of the big picture and the end goal, at dapat tibayan pa more ang loob. Kasi kung meron mang makakasira ng araw ko these days, it's when something not so good happens na related sa business. That's my greatest vulnerability right now--- this thing na para ko nang anak na sobrang mahal ko.

More learnings:

Clients should stay happy. Kahit mawalan ka ng kita for one transaction, kung kelangan mong mag-abono para hindi maramadaman ng client na diskumpyado sya o unfair ka sa kanya, do what it takes to compensate.

Basic na dapat maganda ang product mo. Pero Marketing is VERY important too. Kahit gaano kaganda ang product mo, kung hindi alam ng mga tao na it exists, sayang.  Kaya 60% of my business-related activities everyday, nakatuon sa Marketing. Wala naman ako malaking budget for it, just internet, free apps, and the occasional sponsored ads on FB and IG. Every now and then, promo sa mga clients with discount vouchers if they help market the product. Pero I keep thinking of ways to get my products out there. That's what keeps me up at night. HOW DO I GET THEM TO BUY MORE? WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?

Ang hirap mag-accounting. HUHU. I wish the day will come when I can afford to focus on the business and nothing else. Para pati accounting maharap ko. kasi ang dami talagang iaaccounting everyday.

Pero hindi ako nagrereklamo. I can run this business and have my dream job at the same time. Pangarap ko yan talaga, Lord. Sana, Lord. Sana ikayaman namin pareho.

Life begins at 40!

I just turned 40 last April 25! Wow. Dati 14 lang ako.

Happy and grateful. And proud. Kasi dahil maliit akong babae, at bilugan ang mukha at (EHEM) pumayat na, hindi pa ako mukhang 40. Mukhang 39, ganern. Haha.

And this year, I feel, is when my life will REALLY, TRULY begin. So much hope in my heart. In two specific aspects of my life. So much to look forward to in the future.

Despite what's been happening. The COVID scare. The uncertainties. This worry and fear and anxiety that we all share. There's hope in me. Kasi si God ang nagdidirek ng buhay ko. Ng buhay nating lahat. Si God ang nago-orchestrate ng mga bagay bagay, He decides when things will come at the right time, what challenges to give us, and I believe He gives us only the challenges na kaya natin. With faith. With prayers. With hope.

Yung mga challenges na hindi natin kaya, may ibang reason kung bakit Nya ibinigay. Not just for our benefit. Siya ang nakakakita ng big picture. Kaya yung mga challenges na dumarating na hindi natin kinakaya at nabibigo tayo... hinahayaan nyang mangyari because it will eventually be for the greater good.

I'm just grateful na so far, sa 40 years na inilalagi ko sa mundo, napakabait ng Diyos sa akin. Sana huwag syang magsawa. Sana walang mahihirap na challenges na hindi ko kakayanin.  I promise to give back. To pay forward. In return. I promise to keep praying. To keep believing.

So ang anak ko, mas malungkot pa kesa sa akin, dahil 40 na daw ako. "Matanda" na daw ako. Aray ko naman anak! HAHA! Siguro takot syang mamatay na ako agad, chos.

Yung totoo, ang daming gagawin for today. Kahit Sunday. Kahit ECQ. Pero nagsusulat ako dito. Kasi namiss ko 'to. Kahit andami nang ways para magexpress at magkwento. Sa FB, IG, Twitter, even messenger sa mga kaibigan. Namimiss ko pa rin mag-essay writing. HEHE.

Just want to say Thank You, Lord. For my first 40 years.  May my next 40 years be even more meaningful, more productive, by Your grace. For Your glory. Ang dami ko pang pangarap, Lord. Alam Nyo po yan. At Kayo lang po ang makakapagpatupad ng lahat ng iyon, kaya sa Inyo ako magdadasal, imbes na magbirthday wish sa cake na may kandila. I pray that I may get to keep all the good things in my life that I already have. And I pray too, that I may get to have what I have been hoping to have, starting 2020.

Please, Lord. Thank You so much. Life truly begins at 40!

I Love You

Dear Audrey,

Last night as you slept, I watched videos of you when you were younger. I love watching those. I'm reminded of a time when you were still this biba, unself-conscious babygirl who unabashedly idolized Snow White and Sleeping Beauty, loved wearing dresses around the house (because that's what princesses wear in those Disney movies), would gladly pose for a picture or video, would generously give baby hugs and kisses.

I was so kilig, watching videos of you making kwento about your day, how you would sing and dance, how you would talk about this imaginary world you created called "Audrey World",  how you would smile at me guilelessly and purely as how a 5-year-old or 2 year-old would.  I have to admit I miss those times. I miss the babygirl version of you-- the newborn version, the toddler version, the kindergarten version.

While watching, I looked at you, asleep-- at 9, almost as big as me (a happy thing!)-- and realized, teka, bakit ba ako nanonood ng mga video mo, when you are right here, beside me? So I hugged you and kissed you (the dry type of kiss--- cause you don't like the wet kisses right? You actually don't like kisses at all!) and said "I love you anak" kahit hindi mo ako naririnig dahil natutulog ka.

At 9 you seem to have taken after your father in temperament-- shy, introverted, less emotional and gushy (unlike me!). Kaya siguro namimiss ko nung bata ka, na nagpapakiss ka pa, and every now and then you'd say to me "I love you, Mama". But that's okay anak, tanggap ni Mama na lumalaki ka na, and I embrace all the changes in you, I accept everything about you -- less sweet, more shy, whatever-- and I would never ask you you to change anything. Just be go on and be whatever you want to be (huwag lang yung nakakasakit o nakakaperwisyo ng ibang tao, kasi iba na yun!).

Then this morning I was asleep and you woke me up. And to my surprise, out of the blue, you said, "I LOVE YOU". Groggy me was jolted awake by that, because it's been a long time since I heard that from you.  Ang sarap pakinggan, anak. Maybe you have heard my "I love you" to you last night after all, and that was your response.

Hindi ka man kasing-sweet at innocent ngayon nung babygirl version mo, nasa core mo pa rin ang pagiging loving and affectionate. And I see that at bedtime, when you would tell me "Mama pa-hug". I see that everytime you would ask me, "Mama ano'ng oras ka uuwi?" whenever I had to leave the house for work. And then this morning, that random "I love you" -- I'm just filled with so much love for you anak, I had to write about it here.

Ang bilis kasi ng mga taon. Super bilis. :-( 9 ka na ngayon, still a child, more innocent and unassuming than many kids your age (bata ka lang talaga--- napakasimpleng bata! and I'm proud!). Pero darating din ang time na magmamature ka na into being a tween, and all traces of that child-like innocence will be gone. Kaya sulit sulit din si Mama pag may time. I taught you chess, I introduced you to your first big girl book (Series of Unfortunate Events! You love Justice Strauss, naaawa ka sa kanya, sabi mo), today we will go to the park with your big girl bike and I will teach you how to ride it.  I love you in whatever shape form or version, pero minsan ka lang magiging bata. And these are precious days for me. Kaya habang bata ka pa, Mama will try to spend more time with you. Create more memories with you.

achievement unlocked...

...weight-wise. This morning I reached my initial target weight of 48 kgs. The last time I weighed 48 kilos was... I don't remember anymore. 2011, most probably. All thanks to 8 months of Keto.

Next target weight: 46 kilos/101.6 lbs. My highschool weight! Di na pwedeng bumaba dun, kasi underweight na yun. Magmumukha na kong lollipop! Hehe.  46 kilos, and a flat stomach! Para pag nagcrop shirt, hindi mako-conscious na lumabas ang bilbil sa tiyan!

How to achieve that flat stomach? I HATE exercise! I ABHOR crutches! So I just do intermittent fasting. 16 hours, to 18 hours. I've been doing it for a few days now. Next ko, 20 hours naman. So wish me luck. And btw, I'm in better health than I've ever been these past several years, I believe. I just had my physical exam, and heart is healthy. BMI is now normal. Sana pati bloodchem results ko, lumabas din na A-ok. Despite what many people believe, Keto is healthy, despite the high-fat component. Fasting is healthy, especially when it's over 20 hours. That's when autophagy--- cell-healing-- happens. And they say it gives people flat tummies. Hehe.

Ironic na nagrerestrict ako sa pagkain, pero yung kinakain ko ang sasarap. Keto is too good to be true. But it IS good. and it IS for real. It works for people like me.

Kaya sa mga doubters... no, di na po ako babalik sa dati. Masusustain ko 'to. Hopefully, for life.