Idle talk over dinner on a sluggish night at work:
"Anong problema mo nung isang araw?"
"Ha?" absentmindedly asked. busily chowing on Bicol Express and rice.
"Ba't ka nagfo-forward ng mga heartbroken chuva...?"
"Wala. May nagfo-forward sa kin, di finoforward ko rin."
"E ba't sa kin mo finoforward?"
"Wala lang." eyes unblinking, un-guilty.

I could tell that he meant it. This ain't the movies. This time around, wala lang is really just wala lang.

queen bee...can't i talk about anything else?!

Ah leche. Eternal sunshine pala ha.
God knows what was going on in his head when he sent those forwarded heartbreak-related text messages some two or three days ago, but right now it doesn't really matter. I've had my moment in the sun. That should be enough.

Whatever it was, dearie, I know it couldn't be close to my ideal. But you can't make me cry. Not you, not this time no. And even if that (positively weird!) incident would never happen again (which, my mind tells me, is a big possibility right now), I think I would survive it. It wouldn't surprise me much, anyway. The reason seems apparent to me now. In this case, the queen bee was simply playing with a crone.

Queen bee. Haha!

eternal sunshine...for the moment

Wow. Such a lovely day. Cool air, warm sun. Haven't had enough sleep last night, but I woke up feeling remarkably fahyn. Hmm. I just want to enjoy this moment for alllllll that it's worth.

Enjoy the moment for all that it's worth - my motto. For the moment, at least. Something made me happy last night, and I just want to relish the sunshine that's seeping through my soul right now...not think of future what-ifs, or past what-couldve-beens, or the present whys. I know what he is and it scares me, that it was another false ending again. Sya kasi e. Weirdo ang lola.

Ayoko nang mag-overanalyze, mag-intellectualize, mag-deconstruct. Ayoko na munang pag-isipan. Gusto lang munang maramdaman. Minsan mas simple ang buhay pag ganon. Pag di mo pinag-iisipan. Basta nabubuhay ka lang.

Hay. Ang ganda ganda ng araw. How I wish walang makasira. How I wish I wouldn't have to pay for this happiness later. Sana walang iyakan blues na kapalit in the future.

clueless

god knows what kind of risk i'm subjecting myself to by publicizing these inane (and insane) rantings on you-know-who (do you know who? then i'm dead meat).

god knows what kind of--is there a more severe word than humiliation?--awkward place I would get myself into should somebody from the same circle (who knows both him and me) stumble upon this blog, piece together the incriminating clues, and find out the truth.

I am nameless, yes. But I am also naked. Voluntarily baring yourself isn't the same as being caught naked. I'd hate the latter very much.

In my younger years, my worst nightmare when it comes to "crushes" (haha. the term makes it so friggin trivial-sounding...which it actually is) is that the object of my girlish devotion would find out about it. Well, almost all the time they get suspicions. Which drives me up the wall. Oh, my ultimate shame. To be exposed naked for him to see.

That was before. Times change. Somehow.

Now my biggest fear is that the whole world would know. I wouldn't mind if he would know. Wag lang yung ibang tao na kilala sya at kilala ako. Ayokong bigyan sila ng bagay tungkol sa akin na papag-usapan. Neurotic pa rin, I know. But I never really took those heart-related things lightly. That's one thing I really should try to learn to do.

He hasn't approved my testimonial. Asked him about it, casually as I could. He didn't take the question seriously, didn't get a conclusive answer. Oh, well. I guess that says a lot about everything. As if the Fwendstah "About ME" thingie hasn't said enough. Hahaha.

When I got the forwarded chenelin this morning, I concluded, Ay. Alam na nya. So he IS smart enough to figure out, eh. The trail of clues were not that blatant, but probably conspicuous enough. It wasn't a shameful thing for me. But knowledge can be the bane of relationships sometimes.

Innocence. I long for those days, my friend, when you were so innocently, wonderfully clueless.

It always feels like it's the end...but it never really ends.

I hope though, that the Fwendster discovery would be the beginning of the real end. I hope it's hard enough a shakeup for me to finally start coming to my senses--you're barking up the wrong tree, girl--and move on.

Ehehe. Bakit kaya ganun. What is it with masculine gay men that draws me? It isn't like I consciously chose to be attracted to them...just happens. Most of the time I would have no idea that they're gay. And when the moment of discovery comes, it's always the same heartbreaking plunge from Cloud Nine to earth. Haha. A shrink might say that my tendency to fall for unattainable guys might mean that I subconsciously avoid the possibility of a real relationship. He might even insist that I'm probably afraid of men. Haha. Ewan.

Now I'm thinking, what would I add to his testimonial? His testimonial of me would have been sugar to the blood if I hadn't read that "about me" section ("it's time to find out what's in me...sorry, no effeminates please!). Press release lang siguro--for the sake of having something to say--but I never really thought that he would use maganda or matalino to refer to me (syempre, haba ng hair ko...keber na kung exagg o press release lang, basta nanggaling sa kanya.). Hay labs. What can I say about you?

de ja vu

same situation, different person. that's the sad story in this one-way-traffic street.
i saw his profile on friendster. i've come to the (final, irrevocable) conclusion that he couldn't possibly be straight. no, he isn't straight. girlfriends or no girlfriends, despite all that pechay-eating talk, this guy couldn't possibly be straight.

incriminating phrase in his "about me" portion: sorry, no effems please. effems what? effems na gay? so puwede ang nagpapakalalaking bading? HA! HA!! HA!!!

surprised no longer. really. any guy who uses expressions like "ay bakla!", "potah ka!", or "mismo!" should be subject to doubt. it's just mighty funny that i've been through the same exact situation before...around half a dozen times. same story, same funny-sad ending, naiiba-iba lang ang pangalan. hahaha.

uhm, fairy godmother? puwede, happy ending naman next time?

i don't want to think don't want to think don't want to think about it anymore. i just want to fall into a deep, deep sleep, and wake up with no memory of what used to bring sunshine to my recent days.

i don't want to remember the things i heard him say, the lies i said, the stories i made up just to cover up what i thought was just a little white lie. i don't want to remember because it makes me feel bad as a person, makes me feel like a really big lump of sh--t.

i love you, you know. or at least that's what i want to believe. that's what i want to feel. you sit there next to me, talking about the women in your life--ay, woman na lang pala, wala na yung isa ("Di nya nakayanan e," you said);ridiculing me for confessing that I, at 24 ("matanda na, no?", sabi mo), plead guilty to being innocent (that, at least, i didn't lie about); candidly, tactlessly confessing that you couldn't possibly carry on a sexless relationship ("Ang boring naman ng relationship na ganun"), couldn't possibly get by within two years without getting laid. You sit there, you asshole, not knowing that you're torturing me by the very
things you say, by your quiet indifference, your ignorance of the truth.

truth is that i'm a big liar. truth is you're the one i want. on that evening i'm the only one in that table who knows the truth, and it's a big burden to carry. it makes me hate myself. i'm plagued by guilt, shame, fear. i didn't need to lie, but i did. and honestly, i don't know why i did.
you killed my sunshine, labs. you might as well have killed me, too. and what really hurts is knowing that if you had known it, you probably couldn't have cared less.

beware: i'm on mushy mode today...

i miss E. i miss E so dang much.
i absolutely hate it when he treats me like an arbitrary appendage in the team, i absolutely hate it when he ignores me. but when he's pleasant towards me again, my anger dissipates. he's so easily forgiven. dammit.

i resent it when i see him being so nice and warm to River Phoenix (our semi-hunky co-worker in the audio dept), i cringe when i hear him imitate Anna Fegi's soprano (or even worse, when he utters expressions like "Ay bakla!", "Mismo." or "Potah ka!"). My rational side tells me to drop this lost cause, he's a friggin' SISTER, ya know, but there must be something really wrong with me. I don't know what's with that face that draws me to it. I don't know what's with the person, either. not everyone sees what i'm seeing, but heck. Maybe we all have our own diamonds-in-the-rough.

i'll bet on it. six months from now, i will only be laughing at this.

so much for my happy ending (uh-huh, uh-huh)

Is it just me, or is this so...movie-ish?
I got into a bet with a couple of friends. The first one who loses his/her "blessed singlehood" by Christmastime gets treated (along with his/her special someone) by the losers to the restaurant of his/her choice. The special someone has to be "eligible" (jologs/weirdos not allowed), and the relationship has to at least last for three months after that victory dinner treat.
Got into it for fun. At least that would be some kind of motivation on our part to try to get something exciting (i.e. a love life) into our celibate lives. To be honest, though, hooking up with any guy besides the one I actually want right now (sigh...) isn't as exciting a notion for me...but for fun, I'm gonna try. Happy now, beatlebum? :-)

He and I got off work at 12 midnight last night. It was raining. We sat there, smoking and chatting while waiting for the rain to stop. I had an umbrella with me, but I didn't take it out--I wanted to be around him longer. Haha. Guess the pinprick of guilt over that sneaky little act of omission wasn't enough to bug my conscience.

It would have been the perfect setup. Rainy night, no one else around, nothing to do but wait and talk to each other. Sigh. If it were any other guy, I would have sensed some signs by then. But I didn't.

Okay lang. Love has always been a one-way avenue for this drifter, anyway. Sanay na tayo dyan.