tempt me not

maybe i haven't really noticed it when i was way busy, but moments will come when temptations will sprout out just about everywhere.
and, gawd, i'm not talking about the forbidden fruit here, so might as well cross that out.

temptation #1: persistent invite by a casual acquaintance/semi-friend on a date. tempting, i replied to the msg. sleep it off. *smiley*. superficially, he's not a bad nut, and i realize that he's probably a better option than the last few ones i've gone out on (platonic!) dates with. but. just can't.

temptation #2. career pathing. temptinggg. thanks to a lot of factors, a huge portion of my heart is already engaged by it, as is. not my choice or decision, but should a chance present itself, i wouldn't know what action to take. precisely because i wouldn't know if that would be the right track for me. but if i'm meant to follow my original plan, the temptation would subside. after all, "following one's heart" shouldn't be taken too literally. and there's more to life than money.

temptation #3. contacting someone i don't know, but with whom i have a common acquaintance. not my style, but was tempted to. the person's a curiosity, mainly because of our common acquaintance. but nah. better not stir any waters, lest my actions would boomerang on me. heheh.

temptation #4. writing a blog entry, despite a 6pm deadline. wanted a break. if i calculated right, i'd still be able to make the deadline, but almost always my calculations when it comes to meeting deadlines are wrong. hahaha. nonetheless, i find myself giving in.

hwell. weakening under one out of four temptations--as of now--shouldn't be a bad figure. back to the microsoft word window...

blame it on the cones

Pahabol:

Thanks to beatlebum’s byers missives, I’m reminded.

How could I have forgotten?

The lovable team of EWONG, ATHAN, and MATIMTIMAN, who made writing those audio/video scripts easier for us…
…ATHAN, who would let me hug him each time we’d meet (aww!)
…EWONG, the efficient and hardworking spearheader of the Transcription System (at nagpauso rin ng “poetic style” sa transcriptions..or was it Hyas?)
…MATIMTIMAN “HYAS” PETERS, for sharing her stories over cups of coffee and yosi in the wee working hours (my fellow at the women’s lib movement! :-) )
…ANDY, for our yosi bonding sessions at the toxic I-post smoking room
…HENRY, for his positively entertaining jabs at the industry’s status quo (hehehe)

The silent but venomous trio of supervising postproducers…
…JR, for volunteering his baby blanket during one of those dreary overnights at I-Post
…HERBERT, my college friend/Qpids confidante/Ipost mealmate, the uber-able SP on the Qpids bloc
…AYE, whose juicy stories have always tempted me away from work (hahaha), the girl whose down-to-earthness was only revealed to me during our Qpids stint together (I hope the “makeover” offer’s still open!)

And the rest of those who were transients but made a mark in the 6-month life of Qpids: MS. MAVIC, Ms. Maru’s alternate (LM Kuya Tony’s orig ka-labteam),
Ms. NANCY (ang pinakamagandang production designer!),
MS. MERCY, ang aming bangis na floor director (at bespren ni Marcus, hehe)
all the EDITORS (bespren ko silang lahat!),
the CAMERAMEN (Kuya Manolo! Tamar! Agot! Our BTS boys!),
the SETMEN (Angel’s boys, yihee),
the MAKEUP ARTISTS (there’s this one girl I kept pairing off with everybody and she was so tickled by the idea),
field cashier MARLON (the “richest” boy on the set…pa-advance naman dyan, hehe),
location manager KUYA TONY (nagbonding galore sila ni Adolf sa Bohol...uyy)
And of course, KUYA MANNY (our indefatigable and ever-reliable Utility Man! Without his iced coffee, tulog kaming lahat!)

…BEAR KO KAYO! (sniff!)

Keber na kung di nila to mabasa. I’m tossin out my dedications to the wind, nonetheless…hoping that somehow each message would reach its destination. 

In other news…

It will take one more ounce of concentration to finish what I need to finish in time for tomorrow. Compared to what I’ve been through in the past six months this is practically an exercise, but this psychological virus called Pro-Cras-tina-Tion has been infecting my hard drive again: Don’t leave your comfort zone, save the work for later. Well shut up, harbinger of bad vibes. I’m goin to work on this, and soon!

But before that, one more note.
Just one.

They say it comes with being female. Noticing details. They say it has something to do with females having more “cones” in the brain (is that the layman’s term for it?), that’s why they pay more attention to the little things that make up an absolute.

Well, I never considered myself as a female in that sense. Sure, I nitpick, but on ordinary days, I neglect details in favor of the big picture. Except in certain cases.

And in certain cases, I notice everything. Because everything seems special. And it’s those little things that I will somekinda miss somehow, when the storybook finally closes.

Loving rootbeer. Starbucks Rhumba. Pancit canton at Dencio’s. Banana splits and ice cream.

The things that make someone laugh. Spotting the resemblance between two unrelated people (haha, amusing!). The sight of a friend’s hyper-stuttering rendition of “Smooth Criminal”. The same friend’s hyperventilating tension over winning a card game (Friend: “Ano ba, ba’t di mo mahulaan?! We have to win e!”). Remembering our corny-but-soon-to-be-legendary invented terms (“Hmm, that’s so very {invented term}” {laughs}). Getting kicks out of pairing me off with, um, interesting characters (i.e. gigolo-type waiters, aging old cab drivers, gothic punks, etc). Extra money! (hahaha, that makes us all happy, dude).

And all that make me laugh as well. Cause it’s so rare that I see someone laugh like that.

How seeing someone’s ex would entail a drastic change in someone’s mood. Sadness, happiness, or plain restlessness. (especially hate seeing sadness. makes me wanna sing another cheesy MYMP song). How someone’s eyes would roll whenever he’s irritated or annoyed. How he'd fidget or simply tune us all out when he’s bored. Petroleum jellies. Videoke. Picking on leftovers from other people's plates. “Gaga!” and “Potah ka!” on unguarded moments. Hahaha!

Oh well. Amazing how I notice those little things. Maybe I am female, after all.

Ok, a helluva note. Get to work, beeyatch.

Which High School Character Are You? (and other happy inane postcripts)

More than twenty-four hours ago was The 6:30 Party.(see previous entry)

A 25th birthday party for "SheGui", one of my high school classmates. might as well have been a high school reunion. nearly everyone who ever figured in the scheme of my high school life was there. well, nearly.

My HS archenemy-cum-secret-"beloved" wasn't able to attend. he's in the States, probably examining moss under ancient stones. no big loss to this girl, though. i discover that i have a tendency to easily forget and detach. after ten years. haha!

And so we spent the night drinking, videoke-ing, and laughing about our idiosyncrasies in high school. funny, because i realize that maybe in a matter of a year (should my qpids buddies and I get together once again), we might be doing just the same. but it wouldn't be the same, of course. highschool lasted four years. we were together through that pivotal phase between being kid and being grownup. tough times for most.

Roll Call for Last Night:

"WinCab" : Class Clown. Made fun of nearly everyone, including our hapless provinciana-type teachers (he even made the more fragile ones cry!). Kicked out of our school in junior year. Now it's Sir WinCab to you--he's teaching Physics in our alma mater now. Haha. Ngayon lang ako nakakita ng skwelahang nag-employ ng isang studyanteng kinick-out nila dati. In fairness to Wincab, medyo karespe-respeto na sya ngayon. Medyo. Hahaha, peace!

"JeAs" : "Big Man on Campus". Was into everything in high school--the Glee Club, the Volleyball Team, the Quiz Bees, the school plays. Now, Team Leader in one of the metro's call centers. Must say, I expected him to go on as one of our next Philippine presidents; at least ngayon isa sya sa may pinakamagagandang kotse sa aming lahat (ako nga walang kotse eh, hehehe). Pamangkin din pala nya si Mhyco Aquino. Todo text daw ang tito para sa Mhyzel.

"DarCru": Next to WinCab, the most pilyo in our class. Math whiz. One of the triumvirate na naging pambato ng school namin noon sa "Battle of the Brains". Was once romantically linked to one of our highschool "Beauts", MajoGa. Now happily married to a fellow UP classmate. Must say, for someone who carried on like no girl's good enough for him, I expected him to end up with some glam looker. I guess in the end we all look for someone we could eventually have kids with.

"MarAlv": Controversial figure in high school for being our local Dr. Freud. Now a licensed doctor. Brilliant poet and artist, brilliant mind, period. I still silently hold the belief that he's secretly gay. And it's that same repression that fuels his brilliance.

"MarHern": Our batch's "Franzen": Poster Boy for the Jologs Crowd (and in one of our candid moments last night, told that to his face, wahaha). One of our batch's "closeted brains". Brilliant boy with a heart of gold. Now a team leader for one of the metro's call centers (different from JeAs's call center), earning comfortably and looking like he's basically happy with life. Thinks I'm "jologs" for being a "Kapamilya". Hahaha. Salamat, "Franzen"!

"MajoGa": One of our Class Beauts. Pretty, delicate-looking, bouncy petite flower. Very marriageable. I could sense a bit of tension there when she arrived and saw her ex, DarCru, with his wifey...but her poise under tension was exemplary. I was a bit soused on SanMig Light at that point and I couldn't help laughing out loud..to myself. Haha! Ya gotta love those stories behind what the bare eyes see.

"BienVil": The Smart-assy Dude with the Actual Smarts. Along with DarCru, one-third of the Battle of the Brains triumvirate. Last night was his first "public appearance" after our graduation in 1997...couldn't help yelling out his old name: "BJ!!!" upon seeing him again for the first time in years. In response, he cast me a dirty look. Haha. Missed ya, dude! We did a duet of some 80s song on videoke...forgot the title...must've been drunk by then, hehe.

"JenAg": The Class Valedictorian. Miss Nearly Eveything, if you will. Hasn't changed a bit after nearly ten years. Now a manager for one of the country's distribution franchises (?). And with a boyfriend in tow. Gogogogo Jen!

"SapRod": My highschool bestfriend. The Fine Art-ist. Now a web designer. "NR" was coined in her glory during our highschool years--she's the least expressive person I know. Funny that we actually bonded...really love this girl. She was the official "Alanis Morrissette" of our batch. We had both memorized nearly all songs from the Jagged Little Pill album by heart!

"LowMar": The Impish Cutie. My partner in crime in highschool. We used to play pranks on RanCan, my archenemy-cum-whatever, and laugh til our tummies ached. LowMar's now an employee for one of Cubao's towering conglomerates. We were almost of the same likeness in highschool...hay, how time changes people. We still are very good friends, though. And still laugh over good times with RanCan (and other "victims" of our practical jokes) til our tummies ache.

"VivId": Miss Wholesome. The eternal Conduct Awardee. Can pass off as the batch "Nanay" for her sweet caring nature. Now if I could just make her do something that's the opposite of the character she's been pigeonholed in...haha! I'm such a b.i.! But I'd be the first Happy Person in line should this wonderful girl finally find her Mr. Right.

"ErTol": The Alternative to the "Crush ng Bayan". At least one girl (one of the "Beauts") has fallen head over heels for him in high school. Now he's married..sans the kids. Akala ko nga may anak na, cause he looks every inch like a dad already (hahaha! bawas-bawasan mo ang beer, dude!). Pag lasing, he makes a pass at every girl within the premises. Understandably because the wife's been working overseas for quite a while now. Got into some kinda love triangle with...

..."DonNa": The Silent Type. Who fell head over heels for the Beaut who had fallen for ErTol before. Pero wala namang agawang nangyari. Still, being impish (SanMig-soused) me, I couldn't help joke to them both: "Ang alam ko si (name of Beaut) dadating mamaya eh..." and it broke the ice. Meaning Ertol wanted to poke me with an icepick. Hahaha! * Hay, nasan ba ko nang nangyayari ang mga soap operang ito noon sa mga kakalase ko?! *

"SheGui": Beaut-cum-Cheerleader Type. Definitely Girlfriend Material, and last night, The Birthday Girl. Now an auditor for one of the country's food-chain firms. We told her that one of the Pinoy Big Brother housemates, Say, reminds us of her True enough, she loves JB, despite the bad rep. We both "cried" last night when JB got evicted.

"Me": Little Girl Geek. Now a chain-smokin, videoke-lovin beeyatch, working in mainstream cinema and tv. WinCab said (and thrice throughout the night, between swigs of SanMig) that someone should've given me the Makeover Award. Hahaha! Yes, I was probably that bad-lookin in highschool. They said if I had (literally) brushed up a little like how I probably do now then maybe I could've gotten a life. Those weren't their exact words, but those are the exact words I would probably say to my 16-year-old self. Out with the bangs! Out with the knee socks! Use a bit of oil blotter! Hehehe.

Sigh. There are people who will be transients in your life. That's fact. But there are some who will have repeat stays. Some will be recurring figures. And there are those, still, who will stay with you for good.

Senti, senti! Hahaha.

Maiba ko. I loved the exchange of text messages that took place today. It was surprising. Because I never thought that someone would go beyond a one-msg-reply. That was closure enough for me. For me to be able to let him know that I was glad for everything we've shared--and for him to reply with unexpected warmth--was more than enough.

As we peeps used to say in Qpids, "Dito ka sa puso ko".

Ikaw din.

And I mean it. :-)

Dito, Dito sa Puso Ko

Now, on to a lighter note...

Congratulations to PawEl and JarLa for winning Grand Loveteam and Voter's Choice, respectively. Here's hoping that something even brighter will begin for you...and all the other Qpids loveteams.

And so the last episode of Qpids aired today. Can't help feeling senti as the end credits rolled and I saw our names flash onscreen...boohoo. Last hurray. Can't help lookin back to our very first congregating meeting last January. Who would have known that we would last this long. Di mo maiiwasan, tatatak talaga ang bawat isa sa puso mo. Hehe. :-)

Our headwriter Beatlebum, you're the best. Your patience is amazing. Salamat sa mga panlilibre mo sa Edong's at IO (hehehe), at lalo na sa pagiging isang mabuting kaibigan at boss. Dito ka sa puso ko! :-)

My co-writer @dolf, your entry into our Qpids lives was a huge lightening to our load. I will always remember you when I remember our Bohol loventure...And whenever I surf by that cable show "Dial M". Haha! Here's to more fun times ahead in your company...kitakits sa St@r Cinem@ :-)

My co-writer M@rcus, the reality-show whiz, my lamayan/puyatan partner from the start, Qpids wouldn't have been the same without you. Here's to the legacy of "Kayakita Love" and "Mikilig"...salamat sa loventure! :-)

Of course, there's Direk Jon (bangis na direktor!), Ms. Maru (our darling EP in the most literal sense!), assistant director Valerie Rose (the girl who endlessly wooed Beatlebum into becoming her loveteam partner...who would forget her trademark "thank you!" and "quiet please!"; may utang pa ko sa kanyang isang ream ng yosi), line producer Avie (who finally found her own prince charming, salamat sa Qpids), and production assistant Oslec (our lovable flesh-and-blood mascot!), line producer Ms. Maricel (forever nang buntis sa memorya ko, kahit nanganak na sya, hehe), production designer Angel ("Sugar" to the blood with his mega-gorgeous production sets!), Angel's assistants Jerry and Jade (who always had hugs reserved for me..ganda nyo mga sistahs!) and, of course, Direk L@uren (our Qids "dad"...perhaps one of the few network executives in the TV world with a heart of gold!). And the others who passed on early for greener pastures (i.e. PBB, hehe): Nelson (my "veggie" buddy, resident kumpare, and the worst secret-keeper in the world), and Coleen (ang p.a. na may pinakamalaking...puso :-) at kilala sa kanyang trademark red lipstick at short-skorts!).

So maybe it finally did sink in. Not with the expected feeling of sadness, though. So much for heart-wrenching theme music playing in the background and tearful goodbyes. Haha. This loventure was fun while it lasted, and will be fondly remembered as that. :-)

Now, on to the next adventure.

retro-musings...and a party on a saturday night

it's 6:30. the party's supposed to be at 6:30. what am i doing here? i don't want to go.

* * *

doing a little retro-musing, i realized that...

...grrr. i hate it when i hear about those things.
it's a pet peeve, but it's nothing. i know things like that are bound to happen. And some i won't even hear about.
but i get annoyed, still.

* * *

yesterday i went back to my first "home", post-graduation. i've passed by that office countless times since i resigned a year ago but yesterday was actually my first time to formally join a brainstorm there again. always passed on invites from my former colleagues cause i didn't want to torture myself, thinking of possible plots for teenybopper romance movies (aargh!). but, well, for the sake of sentimentality (and hmm...extra dough) i plunged in yesterday. and the movie wasn't a teenybopper romance. wahoo.

the other night was our last night together as a group, but i wasn't feelin the farewell blues. had felt it long before, maybe a few weeks prior. guess that's what happens when you've been thinking of "the end" too much. when it finally comes, you find yourself feeling nothing.

nothing. and it saddened me. that night it felt like just another ordinary group dinner. like we were going to see one another again. most probably we will, but it wasn't going to be like before, right? it was so uncharacteristic of me, to not sentimentalize the moment. althroughout i just felt hollow. numbed. like the goodbye hugs weren't sinking in yet.

i sat there waiting for things to sink in. was thinking, when will the heart-wrenching theme music start playing inside my head? wala bang climax ang pelikulang ito?

maybe just another case of mental lag. maybe it would all sink in the next day, but it wouldn't be the same. no one left to hug. no one left to say your heartfelt "byers" to.

so i wanted to prolong the night. because i was waiting for things to sink in on me. but alas. it was all destined to end at 2 am. i had waited for weeks for this moment, and it was a letdown. sigh. was never a fan of movies with open endings.

and so as not to spend the entirety of friday still waiting for things to sink in, kept myself busy. success. hardly thought about it.

and now today. not thinking about it. it's 7pm. the party's at 6:30. dangit. haven't even bought a gift yet. don't feel like partying right now, but i cannot not go.

don't want to think about it. so i'm not. because, for sure, someone out there is busily moving on to present things. and not even devoting time to dwelling on the things that are done and over with.

being stuck in the past. the worst feeling in the world.

now i'm starting to realize that maybe it had all ended for me the day after act three came. in the dreary wee hours. laboring without love. after that moment, everything else that came after was just an epilogue.

postscript from the future

reading back to my past entries (i.e. one year ago), can't help but wish that i could be as open and direct as i was before. i'm tired of being cryptic, and the only reason why i had to be was because i was scared. that someone who's not supposed to read this might stumble upon this blog one day.

haha. oh well. everything's going to pass by me. and i'm going to pass by a few other things as well. one year later maybe i'm going to write about the things i've been getting all cryptic and vague about. keber na sa mga di dapat makabasa. by that time it won't matter anymore, anyway.

i can write more than a dozen things-to-love about this person from the very first time that our common world began. the first time i sat next to him in class. the first time i learned that i turned a year old the minute he was brought into this world. the first time i saw him light a cigarette. the first time i heard him sing. the first time i saw him laugh in pure glee. the more-than-a-dozen times that he was around.

a year from now, though, i know i will only remember them. detached, removed of emotion, maybe even preoccupied with something (or someone) else.

and so life goes. either you move on, or you die. :-)

(not) just another fly on the wall

in this business, it ain't easy earning people's trust.

so when someone does believe in you, don't ever forget it. and try your damn hardest not to let them--and yourself--down.

i guess that applies to any other business as well.

old habits do die

what the---?
what did i do?

anything that reads like math to me reads like martian. i - am - completely - lost.
hence the enlarged font of this blog's archive section. hard not to notice, naghuhumiyaw ang mga letra.

anyway, i was only tryin to change somethin. but by some stroke of luck i got lost in all that "h2 class blah-blah" and ended up screwing everythin from the

previous posts

down. bahala ka sa buhay mo.

was laughing so hard last night, sana ito na lang ang bwelta sa kin ng uniberso to balance the scales. sana - ito - lang...until everything's done and over with on september 22.

the end comes faster than you think. like a match that instantly sparks then dies in a matter of seconds. in this case, 3 weeks after act three.
i knew it was good for me. i knew that was just what i needed. and god has known about it way way before it even happened. galing talaga ni lord.

i knew it was the end when the silence didn't bother me. when i dismissed it with a shrug and moved on to other thoughts. oh well. walls and silences won't hurt my bones. or my feelings, anymo'.

so maybe it ends today. maybe not. sabi nga ni ate vi, we can never can tell. when times get rough, i have this habit of going back to old habits.

have a kitkat

10 things you enjoy doing even when there's no one around you?
smoke.
1.watch tv.
2.watch a movie.
3.listen to music.
4.think of happy thoughts.
5.write on this blog.
6.eat.
7.sing.
8.web surfing.
9.fiddling with fwendster.
10.reading.


what lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level?
1.blogging.
2.smoking.
3.laughing.
4.not working.
5.singing.
6.going away to somewhere beautiful.
7.soaking in bluegreen waters under a warm sun.
8. playing with our baby-on-the-house
9. a massage
10. hanging out with friends.

10 things that scare you
1.rejection.
2.failure.
3.discovering one day that i might actually be...GASP...dead.
4.death.
5.growing old. physically.
6.the first a-hole who could get past the firewalls.
7.bad things people can do to other people.
8.clingy obsession-prone personalities.
9.cancer.
10.humiliation.

10 things you like most
1.soul-tearing music.
2.movies that make you leave you heartstruck/artstruck/starstruck.
3.vividly remembering beautiful dreams.
4.being around someone.
5.making someone laugh or smile.
6.traveling.
7.fleshing out good stuff onto a watchable/readable medium.
8.creating something good enough.
9.cats.
10.the smell of clean sheets.

10 important things in your bedroom
1. my laptop.
2. my bed.
3. my beanbag chair.
4. my cellphone.
5. my dresser stool.
6. my fluffy pillows.
7. closet
8. my hamper.
9. my dresser mirror.
10. my favorite pair o' slacks.

10 random facts about you
1.i can stay awake through the most unholy hours.
2.i'll never get caught wearing some sweet-girl skirt.
3.i don't wear a watch.
4.i hate forwarded messages, unless they mean other than what they superficially mean.
5.i like taking campics of myself and our baby-on-the-house.
6.i spend more than i should. grrr.
7.i like babies, cats, and a few select dogs. haha ihanay ba ang babies sa hayop.
8.i'm thinking of having a haircut.
9.i smoke habitually. gross out.
10. sometimes i wish i could fly. or stop time.

10 things you plan to do before you die
1. tell someone an ill-kept secret (better to come from me)
2. make a beautiful feature-length movie.
3. leave my family enough money.
4. travel the world.
5. reconnect with god.
6. get married, have children.
7. go through a temporary image change.
8. reconnect with childhood passions.
9.accomplish enough to have made a this world a litte bit more of a good place to live in.
10. help more people.

10 things you can do
1.stay awake for a long time.
2.communicate accurately with just my eyes.
3.backbend.
4.sing a screamer on videoke.
5.reach the high notes to some ear-annoying octave.
6.put on makeup like i had none (haha. dunno if that's a good or bad thing).
7.imagine an alternate life for myself.
8.walk and half-sleep at the same time.
9. type fast.
10. play elementary piano.

7 things you can't do
1. have the guts to say that ill-kept secret.
2. have juris' (of MYMP) voice.
3. drive.
4. flirt.
5. stand on my toes.
6. be bright, sunny, or sweet.
7. fix or understand anything connected to the intricacies computers.
8. ride the ferriswheel, let alone the rollercoaster (or won't)
9. do treading in deep waters.
10. play the guitar.

7 things that attract you to the opposite sex
oval faces
courting eyes
a beautiful singing voice
some dint of mystery.
unassuming innocence.
intelligence.
talent.
olive or cafe au lait complexion
a semblance of character depth.
clean cut looks.

10 things you say the most
"awwww!"
"oh my gad"
"sosyal...!"
"euw"
"haller"
"nubayun"
"anuba"
"duh"
"$#*!" (only under extreme circumstances)
"shit"

10 celeb crushes
keanu reeves
kevin spacey
leslie cheung
tony leung
johnny depp
john lloyd cruz
alwyn uytingco
jericho rosales
brad pitt
jb of big bro (but someone said he's gettin to be an a-hole, 1st class...down on my list, bro!)

7 people you want to take this quiz
anyone who wants to cool off/unwind/get amused/pass the time

vision

i was on a cab home tonight when i suddenly saw a vision: light and water were playing on the backside of the cab's frontseat.

imagine water streaming down a glass window, creating those smooth round little patterns, and light bathing those patterns, coming from one direction. imagine the shadows they'll make on an opaque object when you only have the streetlamp outside as source of light.

beautiful!

i reached out a hand to see how the water-and-light effect would look on human skin. writing it down to take note, cause in the future i might be able to use this.

hopefully, not in another cheesy pop music video. haha.

happy day

yesterday was a happy day.

i've always allowed myself to be happy only when a moment has already passed. yesterday i decided to seize the happiness from the present. and so i did.

another funny-sad-happy moment, like the ones i was used to before. and everything about it--the business, the laughs, the twinkle in someone's eyes at the crack of a joke--was just about nearly everything i'd missed in the past three weeks.

now the epilogue is beginning. and it will all culminate with a party.

all the impossibilities and sad realities of the present will be forgotten. everyone will be there. and we'll celebrate and reminisce and laugh about the adventure that had just ended.

back to yesterday: after the oh-so-casual "Byers", i kept my heart on a bridle until you were out of sight. then someone started to sing that cheesy song.

i wanted to skip and sing and follow my dreams.

final stretch

and here's the final stretch. ouch. literally, i hurt. just when i thought that we're past the toughest act, the denouement seems to just....stretch on.
well, might as well quit whining. i'm gonna miss this when this is over.

we did videoke the other night. my new favorite song: especially for you. how predictable of me. and how cheesy.

i was singing and it struck me. why didn't i notice it before? did someone change the lyrics, or did it actually say "i want to let you know what i was going through"? i lost my breath. if this were the movies the protagonist would've been belting it out, with matchin tears. but i lost my moment. my voice was a whimper. everything was too close. literally.

the best way to tell someone how you feel is through a song. it's cheesy like all the rest but it's cathartic. you laugh and cry at the irony, yet you feel good that you somehow let it out.

same time, next year

one year ago, i was...
...24 years and 5 months old.
...in cebu as script continuity supervisor for the Jeffrey Jeturian-Armando Lao movie, "Minsan Pa".
...picking starfishes and seashells along Visayan shores. chasing goats across a meadow under the hot noon sun. staring through aqua waters onboard a tugboat. Having my ultimate adventure for 2004.
...missing home, counting the days til packup time. not knowing that i was actually living through golden days.
...struggling with being the newbie in the team. making strange friends. working with an assistant director who was to become my top choice for 2004's "Sayang Ka Siztaahhh!" award. Wahaha.
...taking sh*t and d*rt from primadonna-esque actors who didn't want to be rushed in their primping for scenes. my pride practically nonexistent (amazing what sheer passion can make you do)
...a certified little brown sister from all that running. i was beyond brown, actually. and i didn't friggin care! :-)

today this year i am...
...25 years and 5 months old. Old!!!
...working on mainstream kilig television
...feeling sentimental about the show who possessed my 2005---because it's gonna end soon (sniff)
...missing someone who's been outtasight for days
...remembering someone's laughter and the things they used to laugh about
...broke for the moment
...a body hungering for sleep
...a pair of lungs screaming "enough"
...a mind that's been subjected to torture in the wee hours
...tired
...waiting for the work to start by itself. hehe.
...missing someone. ay nasabi ko na pala yon.
...hoping that something i'm hoping for will be granted.

one year from now i...
...will be 26 years and 5 months old. Old!!!
...will still probably be writing on this blog.
...wouldn't want to hand out my "Sayang Ka Siztaaah" awards to anyone anymore.
...want to have finished something that i'm really praying i'd get the chance to do. or be in the midst of finishing it.
...want to have more steady work in the audiovisual field, preferably in the position i aspire the most :-)
...want to have finished another short film.
...want to have gone to another foreign country. or at least, another beach paradise.
...want to be in constant contact with The One Who's Been Outtasight For Days.
...want to fall in love with the right person.
...want to be loved by the right person.
...want to stay friends with the ones i have now. and gain a few more lifelong friendships.
...want to stay intact and happy with my family.
...want to be richer!
...want to be slimmer!
...want to be a more learned, more giving, much better person.
...want to have more fulfilled wishes.

big bwatha: first three for act one

and it's the first three to get their eviction notice: racquel, franzen, and rico. who's gonna get the boot for round one? my best guess: racquel.

two weeks is not enough basis for anyone to judge anyone's character, but in that kind of setup, i guess every move and every word matters. personally, though, i think i'd be able to live with a self-depracating crybaby and an eternally bleeding heart. but not with a dominatrix.

hehe. so there.

(non) normal childbirth of a single parent (or ravings of a 1-beer drinker)

after more than 24 hours of marathon eye-to-eye with my computer screen, i feel like soaking in the warm, warm blue-green waters of the sea. or drinking a big bottle of C2 peche.

the latest work was somekind of a childbirth. it was my first time as a single parent. i had no one to text or bug in the middle of the night. no one to merge minds for whatever reason or purpose. no one to help rear this child to full maturation. i miss that.
and while some part of me knows that anyone with the right passions would be perfectly capable of breezing through work life as i know it, it's not what i'm developing the blues (or the blahs) about. not the hollow. but what used to be there. i miss that.

well. could there be a more roundabout, more obscure, more annoyingly indirect, and eventually vaguer way of saying it?

my newest favorite songs: She Has No Time, Bedshaped, Somewhere Only We Know, We Might as Well Be Strangers, all by Keane.
speaking of Keane, , September 2 was Keanu Reeves' birthday. Happy 41st birthday, mid-90s poster boy.

it's the little dawdangies attached to what should be the essence. the froth and the flavor. the icing, the cherry on top. the stuff that i like to live for. haha. that's what i get the blahs-and-blues about.

i miss the surge of life that one feels when one is in the mood for creation. 24 hours ago was in one of my blankest hours. gwwrll. thanks to 1 san mig light, i'm a lot more loosened up now. happy birthday ate lina!
i miss that feeling of knowing exactly what to do and how to do it, right down to the minutest detail. that feeling of something spilling out of you, that you know you haven't encountered before in conscious memory, and something that even you, as creator, can be pretty happy with. and you, as creator, will inevitably be proud of.
i miss that feeling of gliding through things, and not letting that ink point on the paper grow into a huge black spot. god i hate that. it fries the brain a bit bad.

maybe that's just how things lag when you're robbed of a bright spot on a bad day. lag and lag they do. on and on across the universe.
when back then, say seven days ago, things would've been a bit different. but in the long run, i suppose, it would probably be for the ultimate good. ice thaws under high pressure. is that correct or is it the other way around?

it was childbirth of the normal kind, because it lasted more or less 24 hours. haha. at outline pa lang yan. in between pauses, yosis, blog entries, fwendsters, and what-have-you. the outlines are the hardest for me. the dialogues flow like nature but constructing legos is something that my cogs-and-wheels need to invest a li'l more time on. which is out of the question in this field.
wonder how it would have been if i had gone caesarean, like i guess how someone i used to (think) i know would do, wonder how it would've been.

slit, desensitize, churn it out. knowing me, it wouldn't have been fun without the labor pains. you feel each and every heave that you bring upon yourself, each and every second under a deadline that is usually unbeaten, each and every puff of poison gas that you take in for the excuse of sanity, each and every word and image and idea that you wring out of your quasi-creator's system. and when the work is done--for the moment, at least--the contentment is trebled as compared to something that didn't require so much pain. you allow yourself to enjoy those idle moments, if only for the very basic achievement of having finished something.

but what i'm sad about right now is that i haven't tended to that real baby from the womb. i'll have to adopt other babies in the future, and adopt i must. it's either adopt or have your own. but not remain childless anymore, ever.

haha. talking to myself. i like metaphors. even those that i made myself. they're something short of codes.

like a bright spot on a bad day.

on other issues, it's funny how dreams can reveal what we know or don't know. believe or not believe. feel or not feel. a friend of mine told me about somebody's dream, and on any ordinary time it would have made me laugh. told another friend of mine about that dream and he laughed, too.

other than laughs, though, it also made me increase my nicotine intake for a while.

i never would have dreamed something like that. because no matter which way i comprehend it, i do not believe. and kooky as i might be, i could never nurture any illusions about it. you come to live with a certain truth long enough, not even your imagination or your ability for make-believe can bend things for happiness' sake. oops! bend...no pun intended! ;-)

who knows, maybe my subconscious is more grounded. maybe it's more sensible than the conscious. precisely why i do not dream dreams like that. even if i feel different when i'm awake.

okay, on to more reader-friendly notes.

it's funny, the idea that there are people who love you more than you love them. now if that would be the case everytime, maybe we'd all run the risk of being spoiled rotten. or taking things (and people) for granted. or valuing things for less than they are actually worth.

but it makes you somewhat guilty, too, and i'm not talking about my mom or my dad or any family member. there just are people whom you will grow to love and people you will simply like and people who will only be a part of the population to you. and you can belong to either of those three categories in other people's lives. now if only we can equally reciprocate the intensity of affection that other people give us, then maybe most of the time we'd be happy.

the first and last after act three (right after fanatic)

Hey beloved lurkers, please watch the episode of QPIDS tomorrow. Its title is "Langit, Lupa"--a slice of life on an angry gurrrl who fell in love at 7 years old and was scarred for life when the boy she loved spurned her.

for those na naghahanap ng emotional depth chene,pwede rin syang tungkol sa sari-sarili nating versions of heaven, earth, and the space between.

this week, highlighting the mhyzel loveteam.

most high-recall lines in this ep for me:
Fashionista!
Coffee King
Barako ni Manang
Pappy Nelson
Pastilan!
Pappy JR
Aling Matimtiman
Baby Adolfo
Alwyn Marc
"MAgaHAgaLAga KIgiTAga!"
"nagmukha lang nga akong reglang tinubuan ng mukha, pero..."
"naaalala ko ang aking kadalagahan..."
"gosh, our boy is in growing up. he's in lurve. i like it."
"swerte siguro ng magiging boyfriend mo, janus..."
"aba aba aral yata sakin yan! hindi mo naitatanong dati akong kloseta noon!"
"sana lalake na lang ako para hindi na ko nasasaktan..."

at eextra din po dun si beatlebum. as one of the glamoroso backstage people. sosyal!

TOMORROW AFTERNOON. CHANNEL 2. RIGHT AFTER FANATIC.

on soft focus

just when i'm about to start working, something comes along to distract me.
i thought i'm past that hurdle.
i just took a bath and i didn't want to smell smoke, but i had to light a cigarette. after dropping this line to myself i'm going to try to get back in line. and try not to brood over or mourn for things that i cannot change.

a note i wrote to myself two years ago, after a particularly distracting incident: think broad, bluey. think beyond the past and the present.

still applies now.

old friends diary#3

she left when we were in grade 5. i was shattered. we wrote to each other a few times in the first six months. Soon the letters trickled down. Then one day they just stopped coming. I was growing up, moving on to other things, making new friends. But none had measured up to the bond I felt that i had with rojane.
last year i found her through friendster. i don't know why i was so surprised that she had grown up--was i expecting to see her as i remembered her then? funny. the little brown schoolgirl with the bangs had transformed into this...Lady. and the Lady's rose-petal poise didn't bear any traces of the unassuming candidness that had so endeared her to me then.

noooo!!! the 11-year-old kid in me screamed. bring the old rojane back!

took me some time to realize that i was just...hankering for the past again. wake up beeyatch. people grow up. people change. even i went through those transitions. i told myself that i was glad enough that i met her again. now the text messages are trickling down, but not because of physical distance. when back then we used to think like one person and enjoy the same kids' games, now we've grown into two separate lives. haha! cheesy dialogue.

can't help thinking. had i not met her again, maybe she'd have been elevated to myth status by now. The Friend that Got Away. The Ultimate Kindred Spirit. Eternally 11 years old in my mind.

Reality shatters your ideals, most of the time.