retro-musings...and a party on a saturday night

it's 6:30. the party's supposed to be at 6:30. what am i doing here? i don't want to go.

* * *

doing a little retro-musing, i realized that...

...grrr. i hate it when i hear about those things.
it's a pet peeve, but it's nothing. i know things like that are bound to happen. And some i won't even hear about.
but i get annoyed, still.

* * *

yesterday i went back to my first "home", post-graduation. i've passed by that office countless times since i resigned a year ago but yesterday was actually my first time to formally join a brainstorm there again. always passed on invites from my former colleagues cause i didn't want to torture myself, thinking of possible plots for teenybopper romance movies (aargh!). but, well, for the sake of sentimentality (and hmm...extra dough) i plunged in yesterday. and the movie wasn't a teenybopper romance. wahoo.

the other night was our last night together as a group, but i wasn't feelin the farewell blues. had felt it long before, maybe a few weeks prior. guess that's what happens when you've been thinking of "the end" too much. when it finally comes, you find yourself feeling nothing.

nothing. and it saddened me. that night it felt like just another ordinary group dinner. like we were going to see one another again. most probably we will, but it wasn't going to be like before, right? it was so uncharacteristic of me, to not sentimentalize the moment. althroughout i just felt hollow. numbed. like the goodbye hugs weren't sinking in yet.

i sat there waiting for things to sink in. was thinking, when will the heart-wrenching theme music start playing inside my head? wala bang climax ang pelikulang ito?

maybe just another case of mental lag. maybe it would all sink in the next day, but it wouldn't be the same. no one left to hug. no one left to say your heartfelt "byers" to.

so i wanted to prolong the night. because i was waiting for things to sink in on me. but alas. it was all destined to end at 2 am. i had waited for weeks for this moment, and it was a letdown. sigh. was never a fan of movies with open endings.

and so as not to spend the entirety of friday still waiting for things to sink in, kept myself busy. success. hardly thought about it.

and now today. not thinking about it. it's 7pm. the party's at 6:30. dangit. haven't even bought a gift yet. don't feel like partying right now, but i cannot not go.

don't want to think about it. so i'm not. because, for sure, someone out there is busily moving on to present things. and not even devoting time to dwelling on the things that are done and over with.

being stuck in the past. the worst feeling in the world.

now i'm starting to realize that maybe it had all ended for me the day after act three came. in the dreary wee hours. laboring without love. after that moment, everything else that came after was just an epilogue.