note before hometime

it's 1:57 am. still at work. one more little thingie to do and i'm off, off to go home. the family home.

we're friends now. friendly, i mean. on the hi-hello level. that's better than me not existing. or me pretending that he doesn't exist.

god how i long to watch a movie. it's been ages.

dilutions and the narrowing that was

in favor of the vital, it's the trivial that's the first to go. it has to be that, or else you risk losing it both.

to balance out the intensity and the tendency-for-self-torment, i dilute myself in the commonest of ways.

sometimes, though, i do the diluting a little too much. it's not healthy anymore. to narrow life down to a specific aspect. i just have to think that i'm in a very special place right now, and it would be foolish to risk it just because i choose to enjoy diluting myself a little too much.

what did i say to myself three years ago? think broad, bluey. i've been adrift, in the dark, drowned out by own "dilutions". how narrow can someone's perspective be, to think of the same thing every single day, more than anything else, more than what you're really meant to do. it's foolish. foo-lish.

thank god i have this time off. to rest and think.

and tomorrow's another day. thank god for that.

post-valentine adrift

i got flowers from a co-worker yesterday. a post-valentine "biruan" gift. hahaha!

they were white, and they were three. they were in a box, all wrapped in a bow. how thoughtful. how goldilocks.

i'm anti-sweet, but, well. flowers could make any girl smile.

buti pa sya nakaalala.

***

i moved into a new boarding room today. my first night. and tonight is another live show. i'm a little bothered by stuff at work today. the smoking has become incessant again because of the cold, cold work premises (and the inviting balmy ambiance of the smoking area that was the Bahay Terrace). i'm in a turbulent ocean where living creatures are not allowed to make mistakes. everything is happening so fast you have to be around with pricked ears to be able to keep up. first paycheck is a full five days away. damn. i'm distracted sometimes. i fight it off because i'm there for the work, and i'm going to fight it off like mad tonight because I AM THERE FOR THE WORK. everythin and everyone else is arbitrary.

***

an uncle of mine got killed by hired assassins yesterday. it was shocking news to me. i only read about those kinds of things in the papers. i couldn't believe it could happen to a relative of mine.

***

i had such a bright lively talk with fg the other night. that dude. he's a safe place. a refuge, at times. a hero, every once in a while. and he doesn't even know all these! haha. truth may hurt, but not all the time. maybe there are cases when, if we knew the real deal, we'd be flattered as hell.

***

the terrace. chill. amidst smoke and ogling passersby who take pictures of the house every so often (the house has become a celebrity in its own right), it's become a refuge. a place away from everyday work concerns. a place to "chill", ika nga ni zanju. i didn't expect fg to come up and join us there. i didn't expect him to chat up. i didn't expect so much laughter coming from me at a time like that. and i'm sure he didn't expect me to say that he ought to be trying out for lead roles and not the offbeat ones, "if he wants to make it in showbusiness". hahahaha. the dude's funny. he looks serious, but he's actually funny. he actually wants to be a real artista, though he hasn't admitted it pointblank.
my, if i could only stay in the same safe place for the longest time. i would.

***

i hope we could be friends, despite myself. don't be misled. ganito lang talaga ako. if you knew the truth, you'd be flattered, but i'd rather that you'd never know. i'm too scared of the consequences.

sleep count

last night: 4 hours

two nights ago: 2 hours

three nights ago: 5 hours

normally i'd need 6 hours of sleep to be able to say that i'm fully-recharged. based on the statistics above, guess i've been under-recharged for two nights now.

i hope it doesn't reflect on the work, though. i should make that my motto from now on: sacrifice everything if you must, but preserve what's left of your energy for the work.

live shows jolt you up, keep you on your toes. not that i'd want to be under those stressful conditions always. it's nice to have those jolt-uppers every now and then, though. demands your undivided attention, keeps your mind off other things.

cannot be, borrow one from two

tama ang kaibigan ko. iba ang iniisip sa ginagawa.

kaya safe ako. kasi wala naman akong ginagawa. pero minsan nabubwisit ako sa sarili ko. sobrang kabaligtaran naman ang pinagkikikilos ko sa talagang nararamdaman ko. it frustrates me. because i end up estranging myself. i lock myself in, when it truth what i really wanted to do was embrace the feeling and welcome the person.

cannot be, borrow one from two.

avoid. shun. erase. i was born with it, didn't i say. kahit na hindi ko intensyon, dinadala ako ng mga paa ko sa direksyon na yon.

palayo. paiwas. hindi tumitingin sa mata. pag kinausap, civil pero earnest. parang hindi kakilala. i'm sad about the way i've been behaving because nanghihinayang ako. sa friendship na pwedeng mabuo, if i weren't so distant and affected. plain platonic friendship, nothing more. but because i've totally shut the person out, walang pagkakataon sa ngayon para magkaroon ng ganon. it saddens me, because i've seen the way he deals with his female friends. i can tell that he's loved and admired by his peers and co-workers. and from the way he's dealt with me, he was never anything but nice.

nice. so why am i being so friggin aloof and cold.

screw that Inverse Proportion theory.

nanghihinayang din ako kasi i'm depriving myself of those addictive little joys, the memories of those moments which i find myself wallowing in, at the end of the day. pathetic as it sounds, but it's those cheap little thrills that can make life a little rosier than usual.

forget it, beeyatch. cannot be, borrow one from two.

one indicator that you're over someone is when you can actually text him something like: wer u? tara kain tayo and not be hurt by a "no" reply. when eight months ago i wouldn't have imagined ever doing such a thing.

another indicator is when you find yourself wishing that he'd find the right person for him, and that you could gladly play matchmaker between him and his romantic prospects. and not get hurt by it.

but one indicator that you're into someone is when he looks at you a certain way and you realize that your day is already made. when he has the power to make you feel special.

stop. stop. cannot be, borrow one from two.

at the end of the day, you go home, realize that shit, all this is immaterial anyway. who am i fooling? i'm a non-normal girl. to hope for anything beautiful to actually happen to me is completely, utterly, improbable.

nah. maybe i'm just malungkot right now. why can't i just take things in without the excessive analysis and deconstruction?

that ought to make things easier for me. and yes, it would make me act a lot more "normal" when he's around. pretty soon, this will pan out. they always do, eventually.

200th post na pala and other discoveries

discovery since yesterday:
1. despite the firewalls, i'm actually more vulnerable than i thought.
2. the day that i would get to receive flowers on valentine's day--now that would be the day.
3. despite the "stay away, i bite" aura (something that i was probably born with) i have with me, i'm actually just a naive little dudette here. a friggin young girl.

discovery today:
1. of the 100 avoidances and precautions i'd taken in the past 25 years, nothing could protect me from the harm that one mistake could cause. 1 mistake is all that it would take. and everything i've held in a glass case would be in smithereens. heartbreaking.
2. i don't know why, but i'm so tempted to make that mistake right now. it's mad. maddening. it's crazy-mad and it makes me friggin angry-mad.
3. inversely proportional. that's me. the more love there is on the inside, less warmth i show on the outside. i can't help it. i was built that way. and i used to wonder why i'm still a member of The Club?

discovery 1 hour ago:
1. i'm stupid, but i'm not the only one.
2. i feel special, but we all did. or do.
3. the more i think about it, the more i can't stop thinking about it.
4. i am being manipulated. by my own feelings.
5. the moth HAD known exactly what it was getting close to. but the flame was just too damn dangerous to resist.
6. it's those kinds of looks, those kinds of glances, that can keep you up all night. boolsheet. i'm too old for this already.

this, too, shall pan out

i've been loving our family dinners lately. mama, papa, me, iye, all in the same table, eating together.

at the dinner table i tell them nearly everything about me, from the trivial to the vital, and it's true that if people love you, more often than not they'll be a lot more patient with you. and so they listen.

well lately i've been telling stories that my parents don't seem to want to hear. and they want me to stop. stop telling, and plain stop whatever. or else.

i'd hate to arrive at the day when i'd be all secretive and quiet in front of my parents. because it could only mean one thing. at this point. weird, but someone's whispering inside my head that i'm somehow, kinda wishing for that day to arrive.

noooo. you don't really wish for that.

goodness-badness. lucidness-madness. tug-o-war. but in cases like these, the goodness-lucidness side of me has always won out. the built-in firewalls have always kept me safe.

in a way, though, they have also shut me out.

fed with sleep

slept at 1, woke up at 11. it's been days since i had a full night's sleep. yesterday i had stolen thirty minutes from worktime. and the days that had gone by before that, i hardly even remember.

it's cool, in a way. pushing your limits. i can still go without sleeping for more than 48 hours. it kills more brain cells than necessary but we have to compensate sometimes and sleep is the first luxury to go when push comes to shove. i've promised myself that soon i will not have to sacrifice sleep again.

a tadpole in the rapids. the old feeling surfaces every once in a while and has been resurfacing more often lately. it's the flurry of the world around me, i know. it's a bigger world than i've anticipated and the water is neck-deep. i'm still learning how to swim and i know i have to completely learn, if not master, the skill by the end of this week.

but first things first. i shouldn't be sacrificing sleep anymore.

* * *

haven't been in touch with the world for the past three weeks. friends outside of work. i miss them whenever i remember. and, well, these days life's been too busy for me to hardly remember.

* * *

less yosi time. more minutes in the ice cream parlor. equals more sleep for me, in the long run.

* * *

in a relatively alien world with throats getting slashed and done away with every now and then, it helps to have friends around. friends who've been in that world much longer than you have. they anchor you, somehow, give you a sense of security. they tell you about what to anticipate, what not to do, how to do things. i'm glad for friends like that.

* * *

in the three weeks i'd been in this world i've come to love the show in a way. love, not as a viewer like how i had loved it before (way back when it was just starting, before The Bomb Dropped and i dropped watching it altogether), but love it as my own. a part of my life. i've warned myself not to make it my Be All End All, not to make it the center of my universe, but for the time being it can't be helped, and for the time being it does help, that i live for the show, that my total devotion is for the show. it drives you, somehow. keeps you going, makes you wanna do things better and faster. it's an item in the survival kit.

* * *

on the personal front (yes, meron pa palang ganun), yesterday i did something i'd never done before--openly discuss a past "crush" (how juvenile,hehe) with the crush-object himself. hindi kasi ko sanay na nalalaman ng mga taong crush ko na crush ko sila. at some point in my life it would have ranked top on my list of Possible Causes of Utter Embarrassment. but i got over that a long time ago. somehow. hehe.

i knew that he knew (thanks to a common friend of ours) and he knew that i knew that he was a member of the fairest gender (na NAMAN, i know), but even if we'd worked closely before, for the longest time i never had the guts to talk about it with him. it was taboo. the mere thought of it made me uneasy. yesterday, though, somehow i
managed to toss it out in the open. hoy, bat mo sinabi kay chorva chorva na may crush ako sa yo noon nung college? haha! hilarious. we were just plain rollin over with laughter. this scene should've been written in on the script long before, way back during our first show. then maybe that little taboo thingie would've been done and over with, and we could've been better friends back then.

* * *

noontime. i have work at 3 pm. my house has become that House. my life has become the lives of the fourteen people in it. for the time being, it helps to think that way. it keeps your heart on the job.

* * *

i totally missed out on the Oscar buzz. totally. when back then i would have closely monitored everything right down to the Best Short Film nominee. now i'm clueless. and i have a lot of other more important things to do than dabble into that.

* * *

Day One, and Day Two is About to Begin in Twelve Hours

and we're back on the express lane.
the ice cream parlor.
the marathons and the vigils.
and a few more new adventures to boot.

i know i'll remember this more vividly than most of my other projects. the work alone is unique from anything else i've ever done.

headache. work started at 8 pm last night and stretched on til 2 pm today. and so i slept the entire afternoon. if there's anything important that i learned about Day One it's the fact that the work in the Control Room is only the start. the real work begins when you sit at the pre-editing chair and attempt to piece together a story from what the 28 cameras have shot. and that's the pulse point where the blood would spurt out, if i don't plan ahead.

THE STORY. WHAT IT IS. WHERE IT IS.

everything that I do should serve that higher purpose.

so help me God.

it's a voyeur's life from here on

life's gonna change a little drastically in the next several weeks.

i hope i would be able to adapt, adjust, and stabilize in the soonest time possible.

last night wasn't so bad. the grand welcome party flowed on smoothly. i was taken by surprise when i was told that i was going to have to stay up all night to meet an early morning script deadline. owkay. i hadn't seen that comin.

work life's lighter if you don't nurture any illusions about tv being an art of a sort. wag mo nang karirin. deadlines matter over notions of "excellence", and "perfection", dear beeyatch, is nothing but an idealist's crazy dream in this field. when you meet a deadline, you finish half the work. basta presentable, basta pasado, kung may time ka pang karirin e di go, pero don't EVER, EVER compromise the deadline over your own karirista inclinations.

isasalang na ko tonight. i'm scared, but i'm hopeful.

last night at the welcome party i was three feet away from sam milby.the first time i'd ever been that close. whew. shempre mega-text ako sa nanay ko, "i'm three feet away from sam milby!" crush ko sya.

hay. my life. an open book. i wish i could be a lot more...enigmatic. somehow it bothers me when people get third-hand information about me. i would rather that they would hear it from me, at least they'd hear MY version.

it bothers me, but it's okay. i have more important things to bother myself about.

it's crunch time. i do pray to god that my learning faculties will serve me right. somehow

sunset at baywalk and a hodge podge of thoughts

Baywalk at sunset. Saw that again yesterday. If I didn't have stuff to do back at Da Haus I would have hung out a li'l bit more...but alas, I was destined for Friday rush-hour traffic instead.

Fear, in this case, is a healthy emotion. It drives you, keeps you on your toes. And makes you wanna wrap up things much, much faster.

I went home at 11 pm last night. That was early, for a change, considering the past three days. It felt like 7 pm.

I was in blithe spirits.

Hay. It does that to ya, doesn't it. Like some invisible glow, emanating out of you. Kahit pagod ka, kahit puyat ka, kahit marami ka pang gagawin at marami ka pa ring iniisip. There will always be time and space for the irrational and emotional. PathetiK (with a malutong na "K" sa dulo!), but somehow it helps. Incidental and peripheral, which makes it healthy.

At this point, it's still healthy, and it's wiser to keep it healthy. If I know what's good for me.

get back in line, soldier

i ought to try not sleeping for 48 hours straight, like what i had to do when we were shooting the short film. or when i was still writing for that kilig chorva, feeding myself sugar, caffeine, and nicotine from extra joss, instant coffee, and yosis i had turned to for comfort, each time i had to come up with an 18-page audio-video script overnight.

nah. that was, what, so many lifetimes ago. i've been through a handful of experiences since then. the fil-am movie, the short film, the parties, the new acquaintances/friends. i've evolved into a different person somehow. not quite the same as i had been before.


so what's to fear? the 6:30 pm shoot tonight that i have yet to prepare for? the lack of good locations to find within the limited timeframe? the assignment that has yet to shoot and write itself in time for saturday? the physical fatigue that i'm starting to feel after these 48 hours? the fumes and the flaws, the height of non-reason, my impractical decisions, the need to rely on no one else but myself, the emotional highs that i stubbornly seek in the wrongest, most futile places?

nothing. maybe i'm just tired and sleepy. i haven't had sleep and i wonder what's friggin keeping me.

the work, above all else. next to the dream, that is. but everything else is just in the periphery.

focus, beeyatch, focus!

more random shrandom

not-so-hectic activities of yesterday (and early this morning):
1. field research work for the current assignment at 11:30 am.
2. a meeting with the bossings at 12 noon.
3. training at the control room at 5 pm.
4. back to the same meeting at 7 pm.
5. meeting wrapped up at 2 am.
6. previewing/writing a 1-minute profile script at 2:30 am.
7. done with the writing assignment at 7 am.
8. went home at 8:30 am.
9. wasting precious time blogging (instead of sleeping) at 10:30 am.

a predictably not-so-hectic itinerary for today:
1. tentative shoot for the new assignment at 12 noon.
2. writing of initial script structure for the new assignment immediately after shoot.
3. accomplishing of additional tasks for my two writing assignments.
4. previewing/pre-editing of footages from the 12noon shoot.
5. submission of 1-minute profile script for the new assignment before Feb. 2 turns to Feb 3. Hopefully hopefully hopefully, several hours earlier.

it's thursday. two days to go. mahgawd. i'm really going through with it. let the games begin.

funny scenes from the past two days:

Scenario: Conference table. Midnight. A big meeting that's been goin on for too long with too many attendees in it.
Scene: Right in the middle of exchanging text messages with my seatmate ("uy, check out (the guy sitting at the other end of the table), he's flirting with (the guy sitting next to him)", "the floor director's gay, right?" and other inanities that could only come from the Hopelessly Bored), i notice the two fellows from across the table whispering to each other, looking at me, grinning.

Me: (amused) Bakit?

they keep grinning. they look amused that i noticed.

Me: (grins back nervously, getting paranoid) Bakit nga?!
Fellow 1: (loud enough) Bluey totoo ba?
Me: Ang alin...?
Fellow 2: Di ka pa nagkaboyfriend?

i almost laughed out loud. in relief, somehow. oh, THAT. not what i'd been suspecting. whew.

Me: Ha?
Fellow 1: NBSB ka daw?
Me: (jokingly demanding) pano mo nalaman?! (thought bubble: secret yon eh!)
Fellow 2: (looking incredulous, ignoring my question) Bakit?

it was hardly the time to discuss my love life (or lack of one, that is) in the periphery of a work meeting. not with people i've only known for, what, five days. and yes, not with F.G. within hearing distance.

by this time everyone on our side of the table (bored cogs-in-the-wheel like me) were curiously looking my way...including FG. arghh. if it were just the two fellows and me it wouldn't be that big a deal. but he was there. that made a friggin difference somehow.

Scenario: Resto at lunch break with FG and Seatmate from last scenario.
Scene: Chitchat over the guys who had made the mistake of falling for FG and consequently got themselves rejected. Silly fools! Haha. Of course, ang haba ng hair ng lola. And it's so silly, because he was probably, quite simply, in the right place at the right season. It's not exactly Pretty-Boy season around the common workplace these days, ya know, may drought nga ata sa mga crushable na lalake, and people do need to have someone to lurve and worship every once in a while, so the likes of FG will probably do for the majority of them who are into those spiffy-lookin types.

Me: so pano mo nalaman na type ka pa rin ni (name of common acquaintance)?
Seatmate: oo nga, pano mo malalaman? (nagre-research din for future personal reference, hehe)
FG: eh...halata naman sa mata pag tumitingin sya e.

for a moment it sank in on me. the eyes are windows to the soul, didn't they say that. could they be windows to the proverbial, most-friggin-overrated "heart", as well? i was thinking these things and for a moment there, while i was looking at the person, i felt that i had inadvertently, unintentionally bared myself.

shit.

if he had noticed anything the slightest sign would have been him everting those eyes. pulling the moat back up, in the subtlest of ways. he's probably done this rejection "style" dozens of times before, he's already mastered it. haha!

i know i'll always have a soft spot for this princess. but i don't want to be reduced as a mere statistic. a member of the "fan club".

haha. yuck.

i'm glad he's around, though. he's a great addition to the survival kit.