three weeks, and "its ovah!"

march 9, five hours til sunrise. i came home an hour ago. and what i really want to do right now is talk with a friend. about everything and nothing in particular. over yosi and probably a cup of coffee.

march 9, 3 weeks til closing time. eight months ago i would've been inclined to say that i couldn't wait, would've been tempted to wish that days would fall off faster. but i can't say that now. to say that the work is stressful would be sort of a euphemism, especially if you're me, but that's not to say it's something i can't stand.

i don't even have the luxury to stop and wonder how i feel about what i'm doing. all i know is that i have to do it. period. three weeks to go, to savor the plodding ascent of my learning curve, to taste the new joys of silent eureekas and yeheys, to utter a prayer of thanks after a good day. and since i'm on automaton mode these days, the worst thing that could happen is that on the Last Day I'd realize that, hmm, i actually like this job. lol. fervently hope not.

in the case of the first show The End was a dreadful thought. i guess i won't be experiencing that kind of sentimentality here. that was eight months, and everyone felt like family. this is one great monster machine that's running 24/7 and we're just a bunch of cogs and wheels; there's no room for human error, let alone hugs or pats on the back. that era was long ago. that was a fishpond. we're in the ocean now.

march 9, 1 more day before the next paycheck. not that i desperately need it, but it's one of the major things that drive this automaton, isn't it. apart from the so-called experience, let's face the reality that THAT was what drove me to hop in on that fateful january day. i would've chosen the same. i would've gone through everything all over again. transients shouldn't regret anything, cause nothing's permanent, and it's just a series of cyclical journeys, paiba-iba lang ang pangalan, lunan, at tao.

beginnings are the best part of the journey for me. the endings are the saddest. and the middle is, well, just friggin shittiest. haha. so-so. but it's what you will remember the most in the future, should you happen to look back.

sidenote: just like that cebu movie project of two years ago. i don't know why, but in my dreariest hours, the memory of those lazy sunny cebu suburban afternoons would surface without warning. back then we'd have our days off one day a week, and since there were internet shops near the hotel we were staying i'd go out on afternoons and walk along those cebu city side streets to the internet shops. the smell of durian, the look and feel of the locale, the markets and the bangketas, the nearby greenwich, the mini-community that our production staff was--everything was just so vivid sometimes, when back then i just lived through those days.

back then on the kilig show it was hard for me to say ta-ta, and one of the reasons was a person. funny that now, he's just another one of those friendlier faces in the factory. someone my age, someone to chat with, someone who will always be dear for as long as the memory of those eight months in kiligtopia will last.

but nonetheless, just another.

it's a sad thing. life's a lot rosier with those thingies goin' on in you; delusions are great dilutions. but in a big way i'm thankful, cause by setting those past thingies aside, we've actually become pals. and now that i'm being publicly accused by other people of that old "sin", i never would've lived through the humiliation of it if i were still guilty.

another day to begin at 12 noon. the sands are fallin. i'm gettin a little sad. i'm so bad at endings but i'd like this one to be swift and forgettable. it's been a tough month in the ocean and i've swallowed enough salt water to realize that i would rather thrive on solid ground. maybe i'm built for somewhere else. maybe not tv.

still, you keep going while you're there. you have to. do it. as quickly as you can.

march 9. three weeks and i'm saying hello to the outside world. it's brief wayward swims like these that stamp out the idealist in me. but i wouldn't have had it any other way. ika nga ng kung sino, things happen for a reason. maybe i won't see it now, but the reason will eventually turn up.

things happen for a reason. haha. alavet. it's the favorite comfort phrase of everyone who's ever had unhappy things happening to them, rationalizes things for them and makes them accept harsh realities a li'l bit better. i'm no different. because i would rather think positive than nurture regrets. things, after all, do happen for a reason.

awryt. gusto mo yan a.