thanks to extra joss, a sleepless night, and a lot of other "rambling" agents

just came home from a night-long shoot. the third in what's bound to be four consecutive nights.

the past four days have been, somehow, dappled by bright spots. faint ones, most of them nothing to present any potentially bright possibilities (except for, well, personal growth) in the near future, pero bright pa rin. somewhat. i don't know. maybe these really are just vulnerable, "susceptible" times for me. haha.

random lessons from the past ten days:
1. that fifty page "homework" (aka Script Continuity Breakdown) has been serving me well. i should make it a point to do one for every project hereon. makes life a lot easier.
2. the key to getting the job done right: mentally note every possible key detail in a shot and imprint them in memory. short term will do, at least. then take notes.
3. oh, and yeah, think of editing in mind. that's The Big Reason why the concept of "continuity" exists. knowing where a shot will be placed in the context of the edited movie spells the difference between doing one's job right and needless nitpicking.

sigh. am i boring you now? i'm looking to learn more. but after this indie project, i do fervently hope that the next indie project that will come will see me directing it. then maybe, a year or two from now, magkikita na lang kami ni Current Crush sa Toronto/Sundance/New York. Haha. By then I'd be able to act and treat him normally, sans the stick-in-mah-ass demeanor. and who knows, baka nga by that time he'd be over the Ex and see me differently. ha! ha!! ha!!!

of course, as of now my Toronto/Sundance/New York-bound feature film still hasn't even seen the light of preproduction. and i'm still the stick-in-mah-ass stiffy whom Current Crush wouldn't even give a second glance (except, maybe, to ask if Main Actor had a bruise for the scene to be shot, or the duration of a take as per my timer). i'm just the girl-with-the-script on the set, the youngest chick around with the Tiger Look to ward off all unwelcome givers of untowardly pseudo-amorous attention. of course, the apple of his eye is still that blonde Caucasian woman with the upturned nose and Brit-Bitch hauteur. who, coincidentally, is already getting comfy--behind-the-scenes--with one of our Main Crewmen. haha. so early on in the day and i'm getting to be the beeyatch again. hmm, di kaya tama si Frog Princess?

hay hay hay, ganyan talaga ang walang tulog.

so enough about shoptalk. enough about the boring stuff. shallow, after all, sometimes even equates to an interesting read.

i'm a sucker for the unattainable. i don't even know why. ewan kung nagkakataon lang o talagang gusto ko lang na pinapahirapan ko ang sarili ko. hindi ko naman masabing i'm in it because i want to be "challenged"; i am, sadly, not a born flirt and that fact alone makes it difficult enough for me as is, dealing with matters-of-the-proverbial heart. i show the opposite of what i really feel. it's either that, or i'm completely transparent. and when the latter is the case, incidentally i unwittingly reveal myself to the disinterested person. haha. tragicomic.

like now. again. duh. why can't i handle these things with finesse. i feel like a bumbling pubescent each time. the longer i linger on his nicer traits, the more i realize that i am falling into my old ways again. Totally unattainable, honey--not because he's gay (haha, not this time, thank God) but because i don't think he'd go for the likes of me.

and those who would go for the likes of me are the ones i wouldn't go for. the irony is so cliche it's the stuff of teenybopper paperbacks. ano ba. ilang taon ka na ba?!

the longer i linger on his nicer traits--his silent, soft-spoken, genuinely pleasant nature; the comic way he sounds whenever he attempts to speak Tagalog; the amiable mold of the nearly androgynous face--the more i realize that i'm starting to sail into potentially dangerous waters. don't go there, honey. "Unattainable" flashing on red. you'll only feel bad when the inevitable Moment of Truth comes. like how you always do.

oh well. this will blow over. like how each and every case does. yes, life is that predictable. he's still in love with Miss Blonde Brit Bitch anyway. and my work will always come above and before everything else.

but the future scenario of our next encounter at Toronto/Sundance/New York still remains a delightful possibility.

haha!