taxing day

it's 10 pm. it's been a long day. i'm so tired.

emotionally taxing, as well. it makes no sense why. it shouldn't be, if i weren't so uptight, paranoid, and neurotic about certain things. one thing i do know is that i'm not imagining things this time. oh, and another thing: when it comes to riding on with the big bad world of green jokes, sex stories, and even more "worldly" topics, i really am just a sheltered little girl.

conservative pa pala ako, sa lagay na to?

when you're a girl working in a team of mostly hetero street-smart guys, you will, more often than not, hear a lot of things that might qualify as "sexist" or "demeaning" to the female gender. they don't mean any offense, of course. it's one of the few topics that gives them a really good laugh. but in my case, really, it will take a little getting used to. the green jokes. the innuendos. the leers and ogles. man. if i weren't so into my work, if i didn't like the people i was working with, i would've gone berserk. having to tolerate my biggest neurotic pet peeves nearly every single day.

i may have gotten used to it a bit after four weeks, but today was really a big hurdle. i felt like someone had figuratively pushed me against the wall. a normal girl wouldn't have taken it in the gut like how i did, she wouldn't have overreacted, but it's a sensitive thing for me. i don't like the feeling of being "pursued", even if it was meant to be a (persistent, long-running) joke. i don't like the innuendos, the "pasaring" comments, the open display of flirting-for-the-fun-of-it, the attention and what unknown motives there are. it's especially annoying because i know that the person has somehow, as a sport, undertaken the task of turning (seemingly frigid, turgid, suplada-ish) me into some kind of conquest.

he doesn't know me. i'm firewalled around all corners. that i told him that much. all that he said was, "talaga ha. tingnan natin." the nerve, eh. everything was cloaked under the guise of lighthearted joking-around so i didn't want to take offense. but if by any chance this person seriously thinks that he could actually get past the firewalls, he's got another thing going. if someone would be able to get past the firewalls, no offense, but it wouldn't be the likes of him.

anyway. this will blow over. tomorrow's our last day, after all. for all i know i'm just overreacting to things. a joke's a joke's a joke. nothing more, nothing less. nothing to get so alarmed about at all.