cannot be, borrow one from two

tama ang kaibigan ko. iba ang iniisip sa ginagawa.

kaya safe ako. kasi wala naman akong ginagawa. pero minsan nabubwisit ako sa sarili ko. sobrang kabaligtaran naman ang pinagkikikilos ko sa talagang nararamdaman ko. it frustrates me. because i end up estranging myself. i lock myself in, when it truth what i really wanted to do was embrace the feeling and welcome the person.

cannot be, borrow one from two.

avoid. shun. erase. i was born with it, didn't i say. kahit na hindi ko intensyon, dinadala ako ng mga paa ko sa direksyon na yon.

palayo. paiwas. hindi tumitingin sa mata. pag kinausap, civil pero earnest. parang hindi kakilala. i'm sad about the way i've been behaving because nanghihinayang ako. sa friendship na pwedeng mabuo, if i weren't so distant and affected. plain platonic friendship, nothing more. but because i've totally shut the person out, walang pagkakataon sa ngayon para magkaroon ng ganon. it saddens me, because i've seen the way he deals with his female friends. i can tell that he's loved and admired by his peers and co-workers. and from the way he's dealt with me, he was never anything but nice.

nice. so why am i being so friggin aloof and cold.

screw that Inverse Proportion theory.

nanghihinayang din ako kasi i'm depriving myself of those addictive little joys, the memories of those moments which i find myself wallowing in, at the end of the day. pathetic as it sounds, but it's those cheap little thrills that can make life a little rosier than usual.

forget it, beeyatch. cannot be, borrow one from two.

one indicator that you're over someone is when you can actually text him something like: wer u? tara kain tayo and not be hurt by a "no" reply. when eight months ago i wouldn't have imagined ever doing such a thing.

another indicator is when you find yourself wishing that he'd find the right person for him, and that you could gladly play matchmaker between him and his romantic prospects. and not get hurt by it.

but one indicator that you're into someone is when he looks at you a certain way and you realize that your day is already made. when he has the power to make you feel special.

stop. stop. cannot be, borrow one from two.

at the end of the day, you go home, realize that shit, all this is immaterial anyway. who am i fooling? i'm a non-normal girl. to hope for anything beautiful to actually happen to me is completely, utterly, improbable.

nah. maybe i'm just malungkot right now. why can't i just take things in without the excessive analysis and deconstruction?

that ought to make things easier for me. and yes, it would make me act a lot more "normal" when he's around. pretty soon, this will pan out. they always do, eventually.