stress with a big S, day 4

a day in the life of a somekinda-stress-magnet:

6am. park. maganda ang location. i love the greens, i love the smell of nature. but stress is in the air, at least for me, who had to finish six long daldalan sequences in a span of five hours or less. okay lang sana, pero bawat eksena yata ay tigti-three pages. at puro technical dialogue. kaya wala akong magagawa kundi simplehan. mabuti na lang at maganda ang location. kahit papano, masarap pa rin sa mata pag pinanood mo.

until dumating ang mga oldies na officers daw ng village association na nagmamay-ari sa park, saying na wala kaming permit sa location. medyo na-tense ako doon, pero it was just a wrinkle in the day that was ironed out easily. little did we know na simula pa lang ito ng stress-with-a-big-S na Day 4.

dahil technical ang dialogue, the actors had a hard time memorizing. cut kami ng cut. puro kami cure. understandably naman, kaya sige, go lang. nakabilad sila sa init ng araw at high noon kaya iniintindi ko na lang ang subtle na pagdi-diva ng isa sa mga bida. mahirap nga namang mag-artista, lalo na kung para sa isang corporate video na tulad nito, lalo na kung art ang tingin mo sa pag-arte and you have to recite these long kilometric lines about the benefits of direct selling.

1pm na kami naka-baklas sa park. 75% battery full. a long day ahead, still.

2pm. tiangge. same old problem--the lines. umabot pa sa puntong for every line of dialogue nagku-cure kami. taena. frustrated ako dahil natatakot ako sa editing nito. baka pumingpong ang putcha. hindi ko madiretso. naiinis ako pero pakiramdam ko kasi wala akong choice. wala akong oras, dahil marami pang day exterior sequences, dalawa pa ang company moves namin, at alas-2 na ng hapon.

by 4 pm, baklas na kami to...

4:30pm. public eskinita. at least naman natuwa akong 4:30 pa lang. dahil the last time we were in this location, palubog na ang araw, kaya hindi na namin natapos ang eksena. 2 long sequences to shoot, puro daldalan na naman. pinaglakad ko na lang ang mga bakla habang chumichika. natuwa naman ako sa location. from the green gloss of the park to the gray grit of the eskinita, at least may variety ng milieu. iyon na lang ang something to like sa produktong ito na tina-try naming gawin.

by 5pm, may konting araw pa, kaya pumaspas na kami sa...

530pm. house. may 9pm cut-off kami sa loob ng bahay na ito. 8 yata ang eksena, around 4 of which ni-relocate ko na sa bakuran ng bahay. dahil marami pa akong kukunan, umaga pa lang, ni-turn-off ko na ang karirista button sa loob ko. happy na kong maitawid with the minimally passable elements that i could gather in every shot. acting na medyo OA, acting na medyo kulang, medyo hindi swabeng pan/tilt/dolly ng camera, pinapasa ko na hangga't hindi glaringly panget. pag medyo lang, pwede na. simple na lang lahat, para lang matapos ko ang lahat nang maayos-ayos. better kesa hindi ko matapos lahat, o yung mga huling eksena na kukunan e sobrang panget dahil sobrang pinaspas.

gusto ko ang bahay. naaalala ko yung bahay sa thesis film ko. there's something about houses like this. they appeal to me in a hard-to-explain, subconscious way. kaya masaya ako sa mga shots. masaya naman ako sa karamihan ng mga eksena.

until dumating ang totoong may-ari ng lupa kung saan nakatirik ang bahay na pinagshu-shootan namin and caused a big ruckus.

pinapalayas kami, dahil hindi daw nagpaalam sa kanya. naloka kami. buti na lang hindi ako ang kailangang humarap sa mga ganyan. natengga ang shoot ng kulang-kulang isang oras habang kinakausap ng line producer ko yung galit na galit na may-ari ng bahay. all the while, nagdadasal ako. please, please sana pumayag na kayo. mahigit pitong eksena pa ang kailangan naming tapusin all in all. may 1 house location pa kaming babaklasan within your compound. wala na kaming Day 5, at kung meron man, hindi namin pwedeng kunan ang mga natitirang eksena sa ibang lugar because of continuity. habang naka-tengga kami, nag-isip ako ng fallback option for the worst case scenario pero wala talaga. walang ibang option kundi Day 5. at relocation ng mga eksena kahit sablay sa logic at continuity.

pero mabuti na lang, mabait sa God. pinahupa nya ang galit ng may-ari. nakapag-resume kami. pero by the time na nakapag-resume kami, zapped ang energies ko. nakakapagod talaga ang emotional anxiety. i went through the motions. tv-style. pero alas-3 na ng umaga at kahit na hindi ko na kinakarir, nahihirapan pa rin ang artista sa lines. magagaling silang artista, pero technical kasi ang kailangan nilang memoryahin, at alas 3 na nga ng umaga. kaya umabot kami ng hanggang alas-6 ng umaga.

lasponggol, isang dolly shot. 1 shot sequence. hindi perfect, hindi ngumingiti ang extra na kasama sa eksena. masyado syang busy sa pagbabaraha niya, nakalimutan nyang maging interesado sa ino-offer na brochures at products ng bida. gusto kong mag-take two pero naisip ko, pwede na. and "pwede na" has gotten me through this long, long, long day.

so i said, "pwede na. packup!" and everyone clapped. in relief, probably. dahil akala siguro nila hindi na kami matatapos. akala ko rin hindi na kami matatapos. ito na yatang four-day shoot na ito ang pinaka-challenging na shoot ever for me. sa bawat araw, laging may problema. laging kulang sa oras. laging stress with a big S. pero nagpapasalamat pa rin ako. dahil kahit ganon, alaga naman ako sa kape at yosi buong araw at gabi ng mga katrabaho ko. at pag-packup pa namin, binigyan ako ng kliyente ng christmas gift basket at goody bag ng mga produkto nila. happy happy joy joy, dahil mabait ang kliyente namin at mabait ang mga katrabaho ko at kahit lagi na lang akong frustrated sa mga bagay na hindi ko nagagawa nang bongga, i know everything will be fine. raket lang ito, hindi personal ang pelikula, pero hindi yun rason para ibaba ang standards. kung meron mang reason para ibaba ang standards, iyon ay dahil sa nauubusan ka na ng araw. haha.

HAY. isang malaking HAAAAY.

sleepy day

so sleepy. i think i will sleep the christmas day away.

i just had an ugly dream. ugly, ugly. the subconscious has processed some negative feelings in me while i was asleep. i hope it's all flushed out now.

sitting on a desk, watching keanna sleep. my keanna is just so pretty. my christmas cat. it's her 2nd christmas with us. she's turning 3 this summer.

tomorrow bbbb is coming to town. haha. love pinchable bbbb. we're turning 3 this dec 31. knock on wood. many more happy decades to come.

quiet christmas

merry christmas, cyberworld.

and christmas dinner passed by without much fanfare. i guess christmas has long lost its glitter to me.

at least, the kind of glitter that used to attract me as a kid. now i'm happy enough that i'm with my family and that this year's christmas is definitely happier than last year.

because last christmas was depressing, and i couldn't even write about it here. i was in career limbo--not wanting to go back but not having something solid to look forward to. financially, i was far from stable; i wasn't even zero, i was negative. pero somehow i knew that i still should be happy, because last year i was with my loved ones, and even if at times i'd feel like i was a person with nothing more to lose, i knew that i was wrong to feel that way. i was loved, and in that aspect of my life i had everything.

this christmas i'm thankful that i still am loved, that i still have my family, that i still have the happy things that i had last christmas. and i'm doubly grateful dahil somehow god got me out of that emotional and financial slump. i am not without fears or worries about the future, but i'm feeling better. less negative, so much better.

kaya kahit na worried ako about my mom's aching joints and my dad's blood pressure, kahit disturbing para sa akin ang realization na tumatanda na ang parents ko, somehow masaya pa rin ako. kahit katatapos lang ng last show ko at hindi ko pa alam kung kailan ang next paycheck where the day job is concerned, masaya pa rin ako. dahil may awa ang diyos, and i have faith in him, that everything will be alright. kina-counteract ko na lang ang fears and worries with prayers. na sana, lord, next christmas, i would still have those which are important to me now. my loved ones, my career, a relatively happy life.

and i'm casting out that wish into the universe, too.

* * *

the shotlist is driving me crazy. literally. sumasakit ang ulo ko sa pagkarir sa kanya. trying to make it simple, cost-efficient, easily mountable. sana lang mag-work. sana lang mag-pay off ang sakit ng ulo ko with a hassle-free shoot on the 28th.

stress with a big S

i think i underestimated the stress potential of our marathon 3-day shoot. kaya siguro, somehow, i was caught by surprise. first time ko kasi nakapagtatlong sunod-sunod as a director. nung scriptcon at AD ako, madalas, pero ang kalaban ko lang doon, pagod at puyat. pero pag direktor ka pala, in a way yung pagod para ding sa pagsusulat ng script. may mga moments na gusto nang bumigay ng utak mo. sumasabaw-sabaw na siya. dahil sa pagod at puyat, yes, pero doble yata ng nararamdaman ko pag production staffer ako.

at some point nasabi ko, nakakasawa rin palang magdirect pag sunod-sunod na araw at lagi kang gahol sa oras. pag puyat at pagod ka na at hindi ka na inspired dahil sa nararamdaman mo. i never thought na magsasawa akong magdirect, pero it actually happened at some point. gusto ko na lang na matapos na. andami kong frustrations. as much as possible pinipigilan kong maging emotional, kahit nagu-umapaw ang stress. huhuhu.

feeling ko hindi talaga advisable ang magsunod-sunod na araw. kaso wala kaming choice. may mawawalang artista by a certain date at may hinahabol kaming deadline ng kliyente. pero given our shooting load, dapat talaga may pahinga in between. dahil lahat talaga nagsa-suffer. yung mga tao, yung quality ng nashu-shoot, yung acting. hay.

so maybe it wasn't so bad as i'm describing it to be. i really really hope so. nung first project namin with the same client, hindi rin ako masaya. stressful din siya. pero somehow masaya naman ako sa mga na-shoot. somehow okay pa naman ako. pero dito, taena. nung 3rd day, pangit na pangit ako sa mga na-shoot namin. naghahabol na nga sa oras, di ko pa makarir. it happens, i know. pero may iba-ibang levels ng frustration ang tao. parang nag-notch 10 ako nung Day3. sobra.

Day 1. late ang catering nung umaga. pangit na setback on Day 1 pero optimistic ako. masaya ako nung araw pero pagkagat ng dilim, eto na ang LP ko telling us that we're behind sked at sana bilisan daw namin. na-stress ako. nainis ako, actually. malakas palang makaubos ng energy ang inis at stress. dahil dalawang eksena pa lang ang kinunan namin after that talk, feeling ko lantang gulay na ako. with 6 long daldalan sequences to go pa na may cutoff time. nauubusan na rin ng boses ang bida namin.

sabi ko, sorry, i have to be honest pero hindi ko na makukunan lahat yan. maraming factors kung bakit. location, actors, etc. after a long meeting, nagdecide na kaming i-transpose ang remaining sequences to Day 4. umuwi kami at 2am. 7am ang calltime kinabukasan.

Day 2. late ang art department nung umaga. kaya late na rin kami nakapag-start. pero of the three shooting days namin, day 2 ang favorite ko. somehow satisfied naman ako sa output, kahit hindi na rin pwedeng karirin dahil naghahabol kami ng araw.

1am packup, dahil 4am ang calltime kinabukasan.

Day 3. kailangan kaming pumackup sa 1st location at 12 noon. kaya 4am ang calltime. kaso, nagpatong-patong na yata ang pagod at puyat ng lahat from the past 2 days and took its toll on day 3. late ang AD at DOP, late ang PM at camera eqpt. kaya late na rin kami nag-grind. kaya ipit na naman ako. kailangan na namang simplehan. kailangan na namang magmadali. eh 6 yata ang eksena sa 1st loc na yon.

and ending, at packup, gusto kong umiyak. sa sobrang stress at frustration. sana naman maging okay na ang Day 4. magtu-two units na ako, ibibigay ko na yung ibang eksenang walang audio sa AD ko para tirahin na niya. matapos na lang nang maayos.

so now i'm happy dahil bakasyon ko na. when we packed up nung Day 3 feeling ko ayoko nang isipin ang trabaho. gusto ko na siyang kalimutan. ayoko nang balikan. pero ngayong nakapahinga na ako i can't help it. gusto ko nang unti-untiin ang pagplano ng shotlist ko--yung pinakasimpleng setups--para at least by Day 4 on December 28, hindi ako mase-stress.

mixed feelings...

but i would rather channel hope and optimism, for the sake of 2010. yes lord, i have faith in you. the best has yet to come!

nag-feedback meeting kami kagabi. the last feedback meeting for k@torse. it was the end but i know i will still be working with the people on that table for many more projects. our creative head, whom i still have to learn so much from. our headwriter, who has already to me much but who will teach me more in 2010. our executive producer, who will write more paychecks for me through the years (hehe). and of course, my co-writers, my peers, whom i will work with for many more years to come.

yan ang wish ko. ang dream ko. and i have faith in the lord that he will see me through my dream. naaaliw ako sa creative head namin na maraming anecdotes tungkol sa mga experiences niya with fellow writers nung edad niya kami. gusto kong someday may mga maikwento rin akong ganon sa mga susunod sa akin. the fun stuff, despite the hardships. the humor in the struggles. gusto kong ma-inspire tulad ng kung paano siya na-inspire ng mga seniors at bosses nya noon.

everything will be alright. i pray. i hope. i have faith. i will make more friends. find more families. sow more seeds. deepen my roots. and above all, get better.

* * *

in a way, i'm relieved for the brief respite. i have my christmas holidays off somehow. except for the avp racket. kahit posibleng may bonus at mukhang magiging somewhat prosperous naman ang pasko at bagong taon, nakakatakot pa ring gumastos to my heart's content...nakakatakot gumastos beyond what i normally shell out on ordinary days. kasi hindi ko pa alam kung kelan ang next project, ang next paycheck. kaya siguro kailangan ko munang higpitan ang sinturon, so to speak. need to save up in case of the rainy days.

pero sana, the next project will come soon. by january. sana, sana.

* * *

nag-videoke kami ng co-writers ko last night. mami-miss ko rin ang k@torse team. 16 weeks of scripting. 8 months of work. we were together far longer than that, during our ur s0ng days, and we were a happy team. it was not without the normal arguments over work but compared to most, we got along very well. i'm glad that i've found friends among them.

si n0ringai. swing, swing. brat. mother hen. green. queen of quotable quotes when it comes to j0j0. super maaasahan. masarap kabatuhan. i loved working with her.

si monj. si cinderella among the evil stepsisters. laging may boom mike na nakatutok sa kanya everytime he spews out those quotable quotes out of the blue. haha. i'm happy to have worked with a longtime friend. lalo na dahil sya ang queen of quotable quotes when it comes to gabby. we share a certain fondness for that gabby character.

si b1ng. kasabayan kong pumasok sa team, one year ago. perfect hostess. super nice. di ko makakalimutan ang ilocos vacation namin...sana maulit. hehe.

si s1g. siya ang peg kay gabby noon. strangely, before i never thought i'd like sig, pero i guess he kinda grows on you. lalo na when he's now become so quiet and so pensive after his hospital experience. my heart goes out to him, kasi from someone who used to love to talk, sobrang tahimik na nya ngayon! ang brilliant pa naman niya. kakaiba ang mga take nya sa mga bagay-bagay, very male. siya ang gabby ng grupo.

si ph1lip. he was only with us for a while pero malaking tulong siya sa trabaho. kasi sya ang pinakasenior sa aming lahat, and he's a fast and efficient worker. he's our peg for j0j0. rich angas pero likable gentleman...at close sa ina. mahilig maglasing pero dun yata nya nakukuha ang kanyang creative energy. haha. nami-miss ko ang kotse nyang ginagawa naming carpool tuwing madaling araw pauwi. hehe.

hay. di bale, we will all work together again soon. :-) it's just a matter of when and what show. haha. i will it! universe, hear me!

* * *

so ngayon, on to the next project. bukas simula na ng 3-day shoot namin. good luck sa akin, ngayon pa lang ako magsha-shotlisting. kayang kaya. i will it. magagawa namin to ng mabilis at maayos at maganda. at pa-packup kami nang maayos na oras. at uuwi ako nang masaya. :-)

goo luck to me talaga. lord, help me please.

what makes me cry

5pm deadline today, a gazillion sequences to go.

it's so cliche. but funerals and weddings make me cry. i wish i could find the right words now.

vigil night

nagsimula nang umere ang week na ni-final draft ko. sobrang disappointed ako. sa gapping. sa editing. sa mga eksenang kailangan na hindi isinama. sa sarili ko.

napa-text ako sa headwriter ko. puno ng HUHUHU. i don't want a lonely end for our labor of love. i don't want a sad ending.

kaya ngayon natatakot ako. nape-pressure ako. dahil ito na naman tayo. enormous responsibility dahil kinuha ko ang responsibilidad ng finale episode. gusto kong umiyak. as in magmalakas na HUHUHU. parang umuulit ang pakiramdam ko nung in-assign akong mag-final draft sa week 14. it's an enormous responsibility and i don't know if i can deliver in time for the deadline.

HUHUHU. sana di na lang ako ang nag-finale. o kung ako man, sana isang script na lang, yung finale na lang po. para makapag-concentrate ako don. diyos ko, ito na naman po ako, nagdadasal na naman sa inyo. tulungan nyo naman ako. i consider my week 14 experience a failure according to my standards, pero sana naman lord maging masaya naman ako this time around. okay lang na duguin basta maganda. okay lang na hindi matulog at ma-stress, basta maganda. hindi lang for my sake, but for the sake of the show. ang pangit ng feeling ng nakakapanood ka ng umeereng episode na panget. masakit sa dibdib.

bored as hell

by what i'm writing. walang conflict. pero di ko naman pwedeng baguhin yung balangkas.

what's worse...yung materyal na emotionally-draining, o yung materyal na walang kalatoy-latoy sulatin?

syempre, the latter. hindi ko na alam kung paano ko gagawing interesting. wala talaga syang conflict e. taena.

tapusin na nga to para maka-move on na ko sa susunod na script. at least yon kahit potentially emotionally-draining, hindi boring. lord help me. i just want to finish Day 5 and move on.

final stretch

final stretch for the year, final stretch for our tv show.
i will miss both. knock on wood, i love my 2009. it was a year of beginnings and learnings. i hope the remaining days for this year will be as happy, if not happier, than my past 300 or so days. i pray. and thank lord so much. dahil yung mga natutunan at naranasan ko nung 2008, nagamit ko naman para tahakin ang 2009 in the best way that i could.

sobrang salamat lord. you saw me through, not only because i placed my absolute faith in you, but because i know na hindi nyo naman talaga ako pababayaan. siguro ganon lang talaga, kailangan mong maranasan ang malungkot para mas ma-appreciate mo ang masaya. kailangang maranasan ang wala para lalong i-value kung ano ang meron. kailangang mag-hit ng almost rock-bottom, kailangang umabot sa limbo, sa crossroads, sa state of being lost and directionless, para mahanap mo kung ano ang tamang path na makakabuti para sa yo at sa mga taong importante sa yo. year-end senti-ness. hehe.

wednesday ng gabi hanggang thursday ng hapon, marathon brainstorm kami for the last week of the show. kahapon lang din namin nalaman na last week na pala yon. akala kasi namin second-to-the-last. in a way relieved ako. kasi gusto kong mag-break kahit sandali lang. pero in a way, sayang din yung money from the supposed extra week. we're still ending on the same date (early january) pero siguro nakahanap sila ng paraan para ma-stretch ang mga scripts to til week 17. cost-cutting measures.

blessing ang show na to para sa kin. di ko sya makakalimutan. it was my first actual soap, my freshman project papasok sa career na ngayon ko lang talaga sineseryoso. at masaya ako dahil k@torse brought me so much. pride, dahil nakaka-entertain siya ng maraming tao at generally maganda naman ang ratings nya. money, kahit hindi bumabaha, pero this job really helped my family. stability, not only financially but emotionally, as well, dahil maganda ang naging experience ko, writing for the show. nakahanap ako ng bagong home. basta. sobrang nagpapasalamat talaga ko.

pero bago pa ko mag-emote dito kailangang bunuin ko muna ang 2 scripts na naka-assign sa kin for the final week. tight ang deadline. saturday ng hapon. when in my dreariest scripting days i would find myself on autopilot, ayokong mag-autopilot this time around. tutal last week na, gusto kong ibuhos na lahat. kahit maigsi ang timeframe na binibigay. hay.

grabe, 8 months. it just flew. halos di ko naramdaman. april nung sinimulan namin ang conceptualization. naaalala ko nung nasa ilocos ako, on holy week vacation, worrying about a storyline assignment concerning this project. naaalala ko yung 1st script na sinulat ko on pilot week, including the Love Scene that started it all. naaalala ko ang tamis ng unang halik. ang pigtails at first menstruation ni nene.

it was a different kind of rush. a different kind of fulfillment. maybe in a few years i would most likely be not as optimistic as i am now, but i'd like to enjoy this stage in my writing life for all that it's worth. after all, minsan lang tayo magiging infants. minsan lang tayo magiging bata. so i will let it soar.

* * *

the other night i saw er1k matt1's new film "the @rrival" at the ccp with friend beatlebum. taga-tv na ko kaya medyo naiilang na ko sa artsy crowd na nakahalubilo namin doon. haha. pero i was surprised to see so many familiar faces there. hindi rin naman pala napunta sa wala ang freelancing/indie-ing days ko, kasi wealth na ring maituturing yung mga taong nakikilala mo along the way. you never know baka one of these days kailanganin mo ang tulong nila. haha. user-friendly?!

pero masaya. refreshing. to see a film like that. it's far from perfect pero i liked it. i liked its honesty and unpretentiousness. i liked the simplicity of its protagonist. i liked the natural chemistry among the actors, the filmmaker's obvious love for the milieu in which he set the most of his story.

that night may dalawa akong ex-crushes na nakita. yung isa, siya pa ang naunang bumati sa akin (haha, big deal daw sa akin kung sinong nauna?!). sabi nya, "uy, parang kilala kita ah." five years ago, baka kinilig ako. pero marami nang blessings-that-came-a-little-too-late moments na dumaan over the past five years. parang gasgas na plotline na lang sa isang teleseryeng na-stretch beyond its original target run. kaya di na bago. pero worthy of a chuckle pa rin, hehe.

HAY. magsimula ka na, oy. puro ka chika.

good morning!

weekend activities:
2012 on saturday,
screen tests for the corporate video on sunday.

went home sunday, slept at 8pm, woke up at 4:45am the next day.

contrary to the nega reactions of some friends, i actually enjoyed 2012. mindless suspend-your-disbelief fun. a bit gooey with the pa-family drama at some points but i enjoyed the earthquake cracks and balls of fire and all that.

i've completed my cast list but not 100% confident with my choices. it's amazing how people would troop all the way and spend money and primp themselves just to try out for screen time. i feel almost guilty, because not all of them would get in. and some of them, quite frankly, were just wasting their time and money. :-(

sana di pa kami mag-lock-in for the soap til wednesday. we have an ocular on tuesday. okay na ko na wednesday kami mag-lock-in. please. sana di pa matapos headwriter sa final drafting of week 15, not til tomorrow :-). please please!

sana, sana. masaya ang december 10 paycheck. sana, sana!

sana rin maging productive at masaya ang week na ito. :-)

dumping garbage for a moment

this has been bugging me for quite some time, it's become a pet peeve.

i really find humility in people quite respectable. sobrang naa-admire ko yung mga taong tahimik lang at hindi conscious sa kanilang self-image. conversely, natu-turn off ako sa mga taong pasikat, those who blow their own horns one too many times, in way too many different ways. it's none of my business, i know, but personally it turns me off. di naman siguro kelangang maging high-profile o image-conscious o pasikat para umunlad ang buhay. para makuha ang gusto. para makuha ang respeto ng mga tao. there are people who can bite but chose not to bark, and they have my respect, not only for what they've done but also for their humility, in spite of what they've done. i have friends like these, at kahit hindi nila alam, sobrang taas ng paghanga ko sa down-to-earthness at pagka-low profile nila. sobrang taas ng pagtingin ko sa kanila for their brilliance and humility combined.

okay. gonna be a long day, prolly. HAY.

things to do

friday. work on week 16 begins amongst ourselves.
saturday. day off. hopefully, 2012 and/or a christmas carol.
sunday. casting call for talents for the corporate video. need to complete the cast within today.
monday. shotlisting?
tuesday. ocular.
wednesday. probably a lock-in brainstorm session. week 16. waaah. i'm still drained, mehn. but if the car won't start, you have to keep revving it up.
thursday. probably day 2 of lock-in brainstorm session.
friday. probably writing week 16.

hay. sitting outside the house today, i think i saw a SNAKE crawling past our house, outside the gate. i instantly BOLTED up from my seat and SCREAMED for my dad. as in, "PAPA! PAPA!!!! MAY AHAS!" euw. super-euw. i HATE snakes. they're just another of them animals, i know. pero andami na kasing naging connotations sa mga ahas sa utak ko. just the sight of them terrifies me.

my dad went out and got out of the gate to take a look. he said baka namalik-mata lang daw ako, but i saw what i saw. I KNOW it was a snake. it was fat and long and looking icky with a spotted brownish back. ARGH. it wasn't slithering though, more like crawling straight like a caterpillar. pero parang kasinghaba siya ng lower arms ko. parang more than isang dangkal.

i'm always hungry. all day inasikaso ko yung casting list. yun lang. hay. shoot lang yan. sanay na tayo dyan. at dapat matuto akong mag-delegate ng trabaho. hindi naman kailangan ako ang gumawa ng lahat.

HAAAY

I just realized that this hugot-ng-hininga kind of expression could mean so many different things, depende sa araw sitwasyon at mindset ko.

Pwedeng HAAAAY, di pa ko tapos. HAAAAY, wala ako sa mood. HAAAAY, ang dami pa and my deadline is closing in on me again. HAAAAY, late na naman ako.

ito ang klase ng HAAAAY na ayoko.

Pwede ring HAAAAAY, salamat. natapos ko na rin ang script. HAAAAY, salamat, nakapasa naman daw ako sa pagsubok ng aming creative head. HAAAAAY, salamat lord, na-extend ang deadline namin to 5pm tomorrow. (bilang 20 sequences to go pa ko til completion, at meron pang hindi maitawid sa utak). ito naman ang mga klase ng HAAAAY na gusto ko. not necessarily in that order.

kaya ngayon, pagka-press ko ng "SEND" sa email at 9pm (4 hours away from deadline. i know, i know. dapat ginagarote na ako), isang malaking HAAAAY na hugot talaga sa baga ang pinakawalan ko. after the uber-haggard past week, finally, wala na kong iisipin this week. knock on wood. sana.

sana naman, next time na mag-HAAAAAY ako, ito naman ang ibig sabihin.

HAAAAY mabuti naman at binayaran kami sa spill week ng show namin. HAAAAY salamat may christmas bonus na. HAAAAAY salamat may dagdag kita from the bloody past week i had gone through. HAAAAAY salamat at may pambili na ng mga ireregalo...may pang-noche buena na...may pera para i-finance ang isang maligayang pasko.

sana. sana. HAAAY.

* * *

THINGS TO DO:
1. karirin ang restaurant city.
2. hanguin ang mga niluto sa cafe world.
3. tiyagain ang farm sa farmtown.
4. panoorin ang episode ng k@torse kanina sa pinoychannel.tv.
5. kumain.
6. maligo.
7. manood ng pilot ng fullhouse (as in, ngayon na).

ayan. happy monthsary sa amin ng bosobear kong cutie cute cute.

* * *

masaya naman ang binyag ng anak ng headwriter ko kagabi. nag-cram nga lang ako ng panreregalo pero at least nakahabol. at kahit hindi ako makakain nang maayos despite the yummy handa, masaya na rin dahil kasama ko si bosobear at ang mga co-writers ko. at lalong masaya dahil na-extend ang deadline cause of the binyag. kasi kung na-retain ang old deadline, siguradong hindi lang ako LATE. LATE na LATE na LATE.

kasi naman, inuna ko muna yung draft 3 ng week14 day 5. major revision yung last 2 bodies, kaya nagsusulat na ang mga co-writers ko ng week 15, stuck in week 14 pa rin ako. waaah. friday na ng gabi ko naisubmit ang week 14 day 5 draft 3. at saturday night ko na lang talaga nasimulan nang matino ang week 15 script ko.

kaya ayun. naghapit. nang sobra sobra sobra.

ikaw naman kasi gabby. ang hirap mong itawid. next time tulungan mo ako, wag mo akong pahirapan. pero labs kita. challenge kang mokong ka.

nood na ko fullhouse!!!

whoppin whirlwind week.

5:34 am. done with my quota for the night. sleep, din bukas uli. deadline for day 5 of week 14: tomorrow night. deadline for day 1 of week 15: monday morning.

alam ko hindi na ako dapat lumabas ng sabado ng gabi. pero kailangan. bukod pa sa namimiss ko ang oso ko, baka magalit na siya. maiinis ako kung hindi sya magagalit. haha.

so here i am, counting backwards again.

THURSDAY, NOV. 26. woke up at past 1. nakipag-haggle sa deadline. sabi ng EP, ano kaya ba tonight ang revisions? tataya na ako ng double unit ha? translated to mean: pag hindi mo nasubmit ang revisions tonight, it will cost the production and you will be responsible for it. after much self-delilberation, i committed.

so buong maghapon, gabi, at madaling araw akong nagklick-klick-klack. day 1 ang pinakamahirap for me. paisa-isa kong sinasubmit ang mga natatapos kong scripts. naloloka sa akin ang kausap kong taga-prod. pero masaya naman ako na somehow naiintindihan nila. i'm not my headwriter, kaya mas may pasensya sila.

by 5:30 am, naisubmit ko na ang nai-commit kong apat na revised draft 3. lord, please, sana wag nang bumalik sa akin. hindi ko na alam kung anong itsura nya. kung nagme-make sense ba sya. wala na akong alam. basta tinry ko na lang gawin ang minimum na nire-require nila, given the limited time.

WEDNESDAY, NOV 25. preprod scene-per-scene meeting for the raket. after 2 hours, diretso sa bahay ng headwriter ko for week 15 lockin. in between these two events, nakatanggap ako ng mga comments from our creative head re: week 14 draft 2. nanlumo ako. pagharap ko sa headwriter ko that night, lalo akong nanlumo. kasi sabi nya major revisions daw as far as she is concerned. waaah.

i failed the test. yun ang tumatak sa utak ko. pero strangely, during those moments, wala akong sense of loss. para bang naka-mind set na ko from the very start na i wasn't entitled to anything. i never really expected to actually pass with flying colors.

EP called later that night and i negotiated for a deadline. then a talk with creative head somehow lifted me up from my slump. pasalamat daw ako na hindi structural ang revisions. parang nabanggit pa nga nya yung magic word: "minor". potah. parang gusto kong tumalon. lumukso ang dugo ko. gusto kong ipaulit sa kanya. sir, minor po ba ang revisions? did that mean i didn't totally fail?

sobrang comforting ang conversation na yon. kasi sya yung nagsabi sa akin sa simula, "don't let me down". i SO BADLY HOPE i didn't let him down, pero sa ngayon immaterial na yung concern na yon. what is done is done. so bahala na si batman. basta masaya ako where i am. sa ngayon, kontento na ako sa safe haven which is the life of a member of my headwriter's team. pero kung ia-uproot nila ko, kung sakaling ma-bless ako ng ganong chance, okay din lang. wala naman yan sa mga kamay ko, at hindi rin isa sa mga super fervent wishes ko. kasi parang hirap pa ako, kaya malamang hindi pa ako hinog for the primetime warzone. everything has its own time.

TUESDAY, NOV 24. tapos ko ang day 5 draft 2 by around 7:30 pm. uber late. waaah. pero nakahinga ako nang maluwag, dahil 5th night of my marathon lock-in-with-myself sa bahay ng headwriter ko ay tapos na. nakapag-dinner na ako nang walang iniintindi (at that moment). kinuha ko na si keanna the cat sa buntisan center. na-miss ko ang pusa ko. sobra.

MONDAY, NOV 23. nasimulan ko na ang draft 5 liners, gabi na. kasi buong maghapon lost ako. nagdadasal for brilliance. kahit sandali lang. kahit 3 hours lang, just a drop of brilliance to get me through the last script. kasi entirely new script sya. wala akong magagamit sa 1st drafts. nag-SOS na ko sa lahat. sa mga co-writers ko. sa mga writer friends ko. sa pamilya ko. i asked for prayers. i asked for suggestions. buong maghapon sobrang tense ako. because MONDAY was deadline day. parang 1pm ko na yata naisubmit ang day 4 ko na ginawa ko habang sabaw ang utak ko. sobrang ayaw ko sya, pero strangely, yun pa ang ang nagustuhan ng headwriter ko. at yung mga scripts na nadalian akong gawin with a sound mind, yun pa ang ayaw nya. weird.

SUNDAY, NOV 22. gusto ko nang umuwi. natapos ko ang days 2 and 3 nang mabilis pero stuck ako forever sa day 4. halos entirely new din sya. at pagdating na ng madaling araw, ayaw nang gumana ng utak ko. sabi ng headwriter ko, kulay gray na daw ang kulay ko. gusto ko nang umiyak. gusto ko nang umuwi. gusto ko nang mag-give up. sabi ko sa headwriter ko, hindi ko na po kaya. pero nase-sense ko na ayaw nyang pumayag. ayaw nyang tapusin ang nasimulan ko. so wala akong choice kundi sige lang. ipagpatuloy kung hangga'ng saan abutin ng deadline. at this point i never really thought i'd be able to finish all five days.

SATURDAYU, NOV 21. stuck in day 1. parang dalawang araw na ako sa day 1. everytime bumababa sa den ang headwriter ko para kumustahin ako, puros "day 1 pa rin po" ang nairereport ko sa kanya. kasi ang day 1, entirely new din. waaah. ito yung sobrang entirely new, worse than 4 or 5. at this point i knew, it would take a miracle para matapos ko ito. the miracle had been an extended deadline. thank you lord jesus for the miracle.

FRIDAY, NOV 20. day 1 blues. 1st night ko sa bahay ng headwriter ko. takot na takot ako sa impending work to be done. kaya mega-consult ako with every step. takot magkamali. praying, praying, praying.


okay. may pagpapatuloy pa ang whoppin whirlwind days ko. dahil may bukas pa for Week 14 Day 5 draft 3 at sunday for Week 15 Day 1 draft 1. lord help me. i need my saturday night off, kahit practical me would surely stay home and keep writing. pero 2 weeks na kaming di nagkikita ng oso ko. wawa naman sya. pag busy ka hindi mo nararamdaman ang mga araw sa pagitan ng bawat pagkikita. pero sabi ng utak mo, hoy, kailangan mong maramdaman.

kaya nami-miss kita. sobrang miss kita. kahit ang buong pagkatao ko, nasa trabaho ngayon, there will always be a little window in my schedule for you.

3 hours to go

said na. said na.

it's my 3rd night here. done with 3 revised scripts. down to 2 and they're both looking like major work to me. and i'm in one of those bobo moments. how lucky.

nate-tense ako sa deadline. kaya di ako makaisip. i hate it when it's like that. i hate it. di ko matatapos lahat. di ako super. kung di ko kaya, malamang di ko pa panahon. bigyan nyo ko ng time to revise. a little more time, just a little more.

give me brilliance, lord. kahit momentary lang. just for this one. thank you for getting me past the 1st 3. thank you. just a little more energy and a drop of brilliance. para lumiwanag lahat. para malaman ko kung ano ang gagawin.

kasi yung dalawang susunod, kailangan ng oras. and that luxury aint affordable for me at this time. pero gusto kong mahiga at pumikit at matulog.

lord. i need a miracle. please, please help me. please.

kung ang mga araw ko ngayon ay eksena sa isang soap

INT. HEADWRITER'S HOUSE. DAY/NIGHT.

Magtatype. Magyoyosi. Tutunganga. Habang nakatunganga, maririnig ang MALAKAS NA PAGTICKTOCK ng relo sa isang sulok, and in these dreary hours ume-echo sa utak ang mga unforgettable lines from the past three days.

i'm counting on you.
it's like a song. it's your song.
break mo, kagatin mo.


Mapapamura. Wala nang Pag-asa pero putangina. Lalaban tayo. Hindi tayo titigil. Gagawin natin hanggang saan tayo aabutin ng putanginang kontrabidang deadline. magte-taping na sila. ang hirap pala ng trabaho ng headwriter ko. ito ang dinadaan nya every single week of those past 13 weeks.


Gusto ko na lang magmura nang magmura. kasi gusto kong labanan yung takot ko. gusto kong sigawan ng putangina hindin ako papatalo sa yo hayop ka. lalaban ako.

at dahil isa itong soap kailangan magdrama ng ganito kahit sandali. pksyet.

i'm going to be alpha male for the f**in weekend

i was scared. hanggang ngayon takot pa rin ako. takot magkamali. takot sumablay.

tumawag ang headwriter ko kanina. may sakit daw sya at sinasuggest nya sa ep at head-of-creative namin na ako na muna ang mag-final draft. biglang lumamig ang dugo ko sa takot. salamat sa vote of confidence pero ayoko po. ayoko. malaking ayoko.

pwede din daw kasi na yung head-of-creative namin ang tumira. hinihintay lang nya ang sagot. kaya pagkababa ko ng phone sobrang nag-wish ako na sana sya na lang. dumaan ang ilang oras, halos nakahinga na ko nang maluwag. dahil mukhang hindi na nga ako ang pagagawin ng final draft.

matutulog na sana ko nang nagtext ang head-of-creative namin. gawin ko na daw. i jolted back up in bed. nagyelo ang dugo ko sa takot. putaena. noooo!

sabi ko lang, ok po. sabi nya, monday and deadline nyan, for taping. kaya ibuhos mo na ang lakas at galing mo dyan because i'm counting on you. right at that moment, gusto ko nang mamatay. oo, nagpapasalamat ako sa tiwala, pero takot na takot ako sa ganitong klaseng responsibility. dyos ko, bakit ako pa. dyos ko, bakit hindi na lang sya. siya naman ang nag-comment sa first drafts namin, siya na rin sana ang tumira. dyos ko, hindi ko alam kung kaya ko. hindi ko pa to nagawa ever. hindi ko alam kung kaya ng bubot na powers ko.

diyos ko, diyos ko. tulungan nyo ko. please, tulungan nyo ko!

* * *

after one yosi and a banana nagpaka-alpha male mode ako. kelangan mataas ang self-confidence at malakas ang sense of competition. kahit wala namang ka-competition kundi sarili ko rin lang. kasi ang alpha male, he welcomes these kinds of challenges. it revs him up. it makes him want to conquer and win. so HELLO, miss i-have-to-win, are you still there? kelangan kita nang bonggang bongga. kaya natin to. kasi hindi pwedeng hindi! tanggalin ang negative thoughts! i'll just have to wing it and deliver, because i have no other choice.

para kasing may threat yung "i'm counting on you" nya. parang may silent na karugtong na "don't let me down". waaaah. i'm so afraid to let them down. pero di ko na iisipin yon! I WILL DO THIS! AND DO THIS FRIGGIN WELL!

si alpha male, iisipin nya na ito na ang break na hinihintay nya. ito na ang pagkakataon para ma-discover nilang lahat na may ibubuga siya. it's precisely circumstances like this where little people like me stumble upon the chance to shine. yun ang makikita ni alpha male, kaya he'll be ready to fight, gawdangit. so instead of seeing this as a daunting, terrifying responsibility, iisipin ko na lang, this could be my chance to prove that i can do it.

I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT! BRING IT ON! TARA, TIRAHIN NA NATIN YAN! HINDI AKO NATATAKOT DYAN! KAYANG-KAYA KO YAN!!!!


WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! SO HELP ME GOD! PLEASE HELP ME GOD. PLEASE.

* * *

wala akong weekend. no bosobear day this week. malungkot ako, pero sa ngayon, it's the least of my concerns. mabuti naman yon, para ma-miss naman nya ko.

sisimulan ko na! gogogogo!

shrug

in fairness sa mga scripts na nabasa ko from a new side project, nae-educate ako sa economics ng daily life. haha. i shouldn't be spending more than what i'm earning, kaya nagi-guilty ako ngayon, dahil IN HEAT ang pusa ko pero wala ako sa (financial) position para gumastos ng P800 para dalhin sya sa siamese stud service. at kahit na pumayag ang stud service na P400 muna ang i-downpayment ko, i really shouldn't be spending that much money dahil isang linggo away pa ang next sweldo.

kaso i shouldn't let this moment pass. baka bukas, wala na siya. kailangan ko nang ipakasta si keanna ngayon, or else yung pusakal na barako na naman sa labas ang bubuntis sa kanya.

kaya for the first time, i'm touching my savings account. waah. naisip ko kanina, di bale may raket namang paparating kaya kahit papano maibabalik ko naman ang "inutang" ko sa bangko. until nagtext ang line producer ko para sabihin na may problema sa schedules ng mga artista namin, at mukhang december 14 pa sila pwedeng magshoot. which might mean na mauunsyami ang inaasahan kong pa-christmas bonus ng raket na ito. syempre, that would be the least of my problems where this project is concerned, pero sad pa rin ako on the side dahil sa minor concern na yon.

naiinis din ako sa schedule ko sa day job dahil unpredictable sya. unconducive for rakets. not to say na hindi ako grateful. grateful ako. dahil nasa isang magandang posisyon ako ng buhay ko ngayon, career-wise. hindi magandang-maganda, dahil mahaba pa ang itatakbo ko, marami pa kong bigas na kakainin, kung baguio ang destinasyon ko eh nasa NLEX pa lang ako ngayon. pero masaya naman ako na ine-encourage akong umusad, at naaappreciate ng mga tao sa paligid ko ang effort at mileage na naibibigay ko so far.

kaya salamat, lord, salamat. i wish i can give more. i wish can do so much more. please help me.

so ngayon may appointment ako ng alas-3 sa magiging kapartner ni keanna. at 230 na hindi pa ko naliligo. bwitre. kagabi lang ako nakakumpleto ng tulog since my last script submission kaya bumubwelo pa lang ako, pero ang daming dapat gawin for the raket. waaah.

kaya gusto ko munang i-erase ang ibang bagay na nakakapagpalungkot sa akin ngayon, lalo na yung mga bagay na hindi naman kasalanan ng ibang tao. three years ago i would just shrug it off pero iba na ang mga bagay-bagay ngayon. that doesn't mean i can't shrug it off, still. dahil lagi naman tayong may choice. at pagdating sa feelings at pag-iisip, wala namang pwede makaalam (at makakakontrol) noon kundi ako lang.

i'm upset and it seems illogical to be upset. if you ask me why, ni hindi ko masasagot kung bakit. at dahil kahit ako mismo wala akong magawa sa nararamdaman ko, i feel helpless and frustrated that i feel this way dahil wala rin naman akong magagawa about me and the situation, i'm just shrugging off everything for now. dahil marami pang dapat gawin. marami pang ibang dapat problemahin.

sabi nga sa nabasa kong script, don't spend more than what you're earning. come to think of it, matagal ko nang alam yan at matagal ko na ring ina-aaply sa buhay ko, hindi nga lang sa pera. haha.

the stress started wednesday and will end today.

WEDNESDAY.
early part of wednesday was somekinda sad. i don't know why. maybe because of the palpitating heart. maybe it was the heat, and having to walk to the bank from the company building in a dress for all to see, under a semi-blistering sun (hindi ako sanay maglakad mag-isa ng naka-dress. weirdly, i feel naked). during the brainstorm meeting i'd felt that i was mentally facing a blank wall most of the time. week 14 is so damn hard for a palpitating heart.

i've always hated making tambay at the neighborhood istarbaks when i'm not with friends or the writing team. there are always too many bigwig people there. i feel diminutive. literally, and else. but that afternoon in the company of non-smokers, i had to smoke outside alone, and people just kept passing by. for some reason, parang nasa takot-sa-tao mode ako. ayokong mag-hi or hello, either out of shyness or fear of coming out as awkward.

naisip ko, later that night i would have to deal with more stuff like this at the grandmama's party. kaya ayoko nang pumunta. pero hindi nga kami nag-brainstorm that night para lang makapunta, nakakahiya namang hindi pumunta. kaya pumunta na lang ako with everyone else.

nasilaw ako sa sobrang pagkastar-studded ng party na yon. i was a wallflower in the company of wallflowers at the Anti-Social table, at ilang beses na ngang dumaan si grandmama para sabihan kami na "makihalubilo naman", at may isang flamboyant gay dude from the unit's promo dept na may "prayer meeting" sa table namin. haha. it felt comforting, to have recluses for company. i felt normal.

high-profile parties, hate 'em. hindi pa nga daw high-profile ang party na iyon ni grandmama, unlike his past ones. pero just the same, the guest list was littered with glittering names. kulang na lang mag-show up sina brad pitt at angelina jolie.

feeling ko talaga hindi ko cup of tea ang showbiz, pero di ko alam kung bakit sobrang flattered ako nang lumapit sa kin at bumeso sina z2njoe, vh0ng, at j@son abal0s. flattered, dahil naaalala pa nila ko. at dahil sikat sila. haha. ayoko sa showbiz pero di ba may pagka-showbiz din yung reaction kong iyon!?

di naman ako nasa-starstruck nang ganito nung nasa productin ako. siguro kasi dahil katrabaho ko ang mga artista. pero sa trabaho ngayon, perks of the job ang ma-meet ang artista. kaya siguro nasa-starstruck ako. or something.

we left the party at around 2 and went straight to a funeral. yup, from party to funeral, on that same night. the father of a writer died so we dropped by to pay our last respects.

tapos nagmidnight snack kami sa isang pizza place para "magpagpag". got home at 4, with a huge headache.

on the way home may pinabaon sa akin ang boss ko that was the perfect nightcap. nothing tangible, just words. just enough for me to want to go on, and keep on til i'm there.

THURSDAY.

lockin. was hyper til 12 then the energy just plunged down til the wee hours of dawn. may lagnat, masakit ulo.

realization of the day: i really should just live and let live.

another nugget was dropped on my lap by my boss. i love her. i don't know if she meant to do it, or even if she meant to do it, i don't know if i can pull it through. cowardly, un-self-confident me. pero bahala na.

was home by 630 am.

FRIDAY.

deadline this monday. wanted to go to cabanatuan but i realized that my script will need some serious attention this time. so i just viewed all the student film entries that the Dep Ed film festival in cabanatuan had sent me. today ko lang binuksan yung LBS bag and was surprised to know na more than fifteen short films pala ang dapat kong panoorin. taenie. so sinimulan ko ng alas-3 at hindi ako tumigil til 3 am. WHEW.

realization of the day: i really should just forget that some people exist when i'm not around them so that i won't miss them at all.

big fat HMPF.

tomorrow i'm off to the mall. will be pinching some chubby boy's cheeks.





FRIDAY.

stress wednesday?

sana naman wag. dapat ngayon naliligo na ako for the 3pm meeting. pero adik e. pagkatapos ng meeting, may party. kakainis na may meeting pa before the party, pero ganun talaga e. first time ko pa namang umattend na birthday party ng bagong grandmama ko. bongga daw ang mga parties nya, the stuff of legend.

reclusive mode still on. i'd really much rather stay home tonight. kaso paminsan-minsan lang magkaroon ng pagkakataong lumabas and to live life. most of the time cyber-world, bahay, at bahay ng headwriter ko lang ang mundo ko. malay ko, magiging masaya pala mamaya. may something i can write about, soon or someday.

nagpa-palpitate ako. magde-dress daw kami for the party tonight. i need to pluck my legs. i'm so late. and so inane. hay.

a big F*** Y*** to all that.

you have no other audience but you-know-who. everything else is just in the periphery, so to hell with all that.

* * *

another day, another lock-in. it's that time of the week. as i write i'm running later than usual. scripting over the weekend, a trip out of town to squeeze in between. sigh. lord help me with schedules. i miss giving a long long hug to my bosobear.

* * *

damn. i used to think i have a taste for showbiz but last night changed all that. i've realized that i ACTUALLY HATE showbiz and i am built for the reclusive, anti-social life of a person who writes. there are moments when i just wish i could be invisible.

* * *

peacocks are for the zoo. so don't join the zoo. be careful what you are contemptuous of, you just might become them. in the long run. NO.

* * *

i saw astroboy. i don't like the movie but i like the character astroboy. i want to have a son like him someday.

* * *

I NEED TO LOSE F***N WEIGHT. I'M LUMPY ALL OVER. ARGH!

downtime...

...and i have a feeling that in a matter of two or three days, it's about to end. oh, i couldn't be happier about that. rest days are fine but if they stretch on for too long, boredom--or some semblance of it--sets in. i find myself fidgeting, like a leaf from the whirlwind. you hate the whirlwind when it's there, when it's not you look for it. wait for it. kinda get torn between wanting and not wanting it.

i don't know if she was joking when she asked me if i wanted to do the final draft for the entire week, but i knew then--and i still know now---that to bite the bait would mean saying yes to a storm, not a mere whirlwind. i appreciate the little vote of confidence, but saying "game" to extra work is a little too much at this point for this little girl. it scares me as hell. though i know it shouldn't. but i know well enough to know that i don't need extra carcinogens in my body. mabuti na lang hindi pinilit. big sigh of relief.

sabi ko sa kanya, as we were walking along the company compound and gazing up at the big christmas lanterns in glowing company colors, at least this year masaya ang pasko ko. sabi nya, bakit? ah, kasi kasama mo kami?

(uh...yes. partly) opo. saka i'm here...writing. and i really meant it. kahit na nakakasaid ng fluid sa utak ang pagsusulat ng daily soap (kahit first drafts lang, haha), kahit na yung proseso na pinagdadaanan is not always nights of creative eureekas ("not always" is an, uh, understatement), i wouldn't exchange my job for anything else in the world right at the moment. not even directing. i love directing, but if i put all factors into consideration, writing is a healthy compromise for relative happiness in life. writing makes me happy. and somewhat stable. so at this point it doesn't really matter anymore if directing makes me happier.

kaya sobrang thank you ko sa diyos. because when i told her that my christmas last year sucked, i really meant it. of course it still had its blessings. i had my loved ones and family. i was in good health, and everyone i loved was in good health. but i was dead broke. i was buried in debt from my paglalagare of the last projects i'd taken in as script continuity and i couldn't even pay off my substitute. i couldn't even contribute anything significant to my family's christmas celebration, much less give them gifts. traveling outside during that christmas was frustrating. everything was just so happy and colorful and gay and there were so many beautiful things to buy, but i had no money. and i was at a career crossroad. the future had never been so uncertain but i knew in my heart that i didn't want to go back to my past again. kahit na may options being presented to me, tinigasan ko talaga ang resolve ko na hindi na ko babalik.

kaya knock on wood, sana, this christmas would be so much happier than last year's. i pray. i fervently pray.

on to other concerns. i hate being unreasonably angry. because i end up being angry at myself more than at the other person. pero minsan kasi kailangan mong ilabas. kahit isang outburst lang. tapos, okay ka na. you feel better, but you feel guilty at the same time. kasi feelings mo lang (na naman) ang inisip mo. kasi nilabas mo dun sa tao and unreasonable anger mo, at malamang nasaktan mo siya. o na-offend siya.

hindi ko mae-explain sa kanya kung bakit ako ganito, kaya magso-sorry na lang ako. and i would feel even worse, because "sorry" doesn't erase thing. you will be forgiven, pero better make sure hindi mo na uulitin. dahil mapagpasensya yung tao, hindi ulyanin. ako din ganon, kaya naiintindihan ko ang mga taong ganon. i easily forgive--and genuinely--but i don't forget. at least, my subconscious does not forget.

* * *

nabubwisit lang ako sa FB, dahil may isang tao don na SOBRANG kinamumuhian ko whose profile kept appearing in the FRIENDS YOU MAY KNOW section on the right side of the page. putangina, pwede bang i-turn off ang section na yon? makita ko pa lang ang nakangising pagmumukha ng asong yon nasisira na ang araw ko. eventually alam ko mapapatawad ko rin siya pero i need another year or two. sa ngayon naaalala ko pa nang bonggang-bongga ang makailang beses na pang-aapi na ginawa nya sa akin.

* * *

movie-marathon online. the other day i saw teeth. intriguing, novel concept, pero hilaw ang pelikula para sa akin. medyo mababaw. naging semi-horror/ (penis) slasher flick na lang sya, when it could have delved deeper into the material. kaso yung mga characters parang drowing lang. lalo na yung bidang babae. sana kung babae ang nagdirect at nagsulat malamang mas mabibigyan ng justice yung character ng babaeng my teeth ang vagina. haha, ang sexist ko pero totoo naman. :-)

88 minutes. al pacino thriller. lahat na lang red herrings. may mga logical inconsistencies sa kwento pero compelling watch siya para sa akin. kaso yung kontrabida sa dulo, hindi kayang makipag-face off sa dialogues with pacino. buwisit, gusto ko siyang palitan. HAHA. feeling ko mas kaya ko pang magtaray hahaha.

the hangover. na hindi ko natapos kasi hindi kumpleto ang pagkaka-download nung pinapanooran ko sa net. very interesting, from what i've seen so far.

batch '81. gusto kong manood ng pelikula to escape, kaya ayoko sanang manood ng pinoy movies. kasi pag dito rin sa pinas ang mundo ng pelikula parang hindi rin ako umeskapo. pero dahil intrigued talaga ako dito sa batch '81 pinanood ko na rin. not mike de leon's best work pero expectedly, okay na rin. naiirita lang ako kay sandy andolong na nagpapaka-conyo ang character pero laos naman sa pronuncieyyyshun. hehe.

riding in cars with boys. sana napanood ko to several weeks ago. tungkol kasi sya sa teenage mom na nabuntis at 15. sayang, kasi malaki na ang anak ni nene sa sinusulat namin ngayon for the teenage mama show. iba talaga pag ang writer, naranasan first-hand ang sinusulat nya. iba ang insight, sobrang totoo.

dvd-thon din when i'm not online. finally, i've seen (500) days of summer. not as life-changingly beautiful as it was hyped up to be, nagpapakaiba ang dating niya, pero in fairness. emotion-wise, it hits the target. it knows how to take care of the protagonist's emo-ing progression. hehe. kaya on the 500th day, nung makuha nya ang catharsis nya, naiyak ako sa nangyari sa kanya. siguro nga kung pinanood ko to eight years ago humagulgol ako nang sobra-sobra. lalo na yung line na sinabi nung babaeng bida na "one morning i woke up and i just knew...of what i was never sure of when i was with you." ang sakit-sakit non kung sinabi sa yo, pero somehow it will free you. it will put a period on things and somehow encourage you to let it go and move on. kaya sobrang gets ko kung bakit maraming taong makaka-relate sa kanya. it's a universal experience, trying to get over an ex. kasing-universal ng unrequited love. aww.

orphan. dati tinutukso ako ni bosobear na kamukha ko raw si orphan sa movie poster nya. sana mapanood nya to para makita nya kung gaano kami magkaiba ni orphan. kasi si orphan, orphan from hell! thrill-fest ang pelikulang to.

hay. bukas, manonood uli ako ng sine. alam ko dapat mga tv shows youtube ang pinapanood ko. para aralin. but watching tv shows reminds me of reality. gusto kong umeskapo sa pelikula. napapamahal na nga ata ako uli sa american culture dahil sa mga hollywood movies na pinapanood ko. hehe.

i love my keanna. i love taking care of her everyday. i love feeding her, and watching her sleep. at least kahit hindi ko madalas makita yung nagbigay sa kin sa kanya, si keanna lagi kong kasama. aww. meow.

1:42 am. maybe i can stay awake a little longer for another movie.

halloween night

six years ago, i was having one of the best halloween nights of me life. i was wading in the gays-in-black district of malate for the first time, with happy fellows, first-timers in malate, like me. masaya yun. hanggang ngayon, naaalala ko pa. every year, naaalala ko, tuwing magha-halloween.

ngayon, i crave for another halloween night out again. after so many years. i'd tried replicating that halloween night so many years ago but so far none has ever topped it. strangely when we were there at that time it was just...awkward, as how anything you'd do for the first time would normally feel. haha. and then we had coffee, and dun ko na-realize how fun it actually was, while having coffee after an awfully awkward first-time experience.

(sidenote: naaalala ko, it was also on THAT night when i learned from a friend na nabuntis ng rapper-dude crush ko yung gf nya. di ako umiyak. pero pinagluksa at pinag-celebrate ko ang news sa malate that night. hehe)

sana this year maulit yung ganong happiness. very soon. as in, two days from now.

* * *

pusang inamoy. inaatake na naman ako ng tamaritis.

malamig, masarap magtrabaho. i have two days. monday's the deadline. i have the liners now. bakit ang tamad-tamad ko?! lahat na ginawa ko except magsulat nang tuloy-tuloy. I HATE IT.

tapos, naje-jebs pa ko. but for some reason pati pagjebs pinu-put off ko. potah! ang script na to ay parang jebs. i have to just get it out of me to relieve myself.

basta nene, talk to me. keep talking to me.

kailangan kong ma-realize na magkaiba tayo ng magiging reaksyon sa mga bagay-bagay. hindi ako ikaw. hindi ka kasing-bitchy katulad ko. and in some cases, you would be passive. you would bow down. HINDI KO MAINTINDIHAN, honestly. kasi in the same situation, i would fight for my rights. i would fight like hell. pero kung sabi ng headwriter ko ay ganon ka, despite the fact na ilang beses ko nang kinontest at ilang beses ko nang tina-try intindihin ang ganong klaseng pananaw, sige a-agree na lang ako. hindi ako nagrereklamo, ha. nilalabas ko lang. my boss would probably have a certain wisdom about these things that i should respect and acknowledge. so susubukan ko na lang na intindihin.

pero kung ako nga ikaw ne, potahenah. sasapakin ko na yang lalakeng yan e. at lalayas kami ng anak ko, gago sya!

hay. time is a-ticking. maybe i should take a laxative.

* * *

party. party, party!

na-guilty ako nung isulat ko yung previous entry. pero dahil sa encouragement na binigay ni W, parang gusto ko pang mag-angst. kasi marami pa over the past two years. hay, akalain mong ang isang tulad ko ay marami palang angst. tina-try ko na ngang maging sunshiney mahoney as much as i can. ehehe.

last year na lang, ang daming carcinogens na tinanggap ng katawan ko dahil sa stress at sama ng loob. wala akong sinisisi (except sa isang kaso na talaga namang hanggang ngayon, parang gusto kong paliguan ng mura yung taong kinamumuhian ko sa workplace last year. gusto ko siyang sulatan dito, pero baka puro bad words lang ang lamanin ng sulat na yon.). pero siguro hindi pa ito yung panahon para i-proseso ko sya. masaya ako e. i feel that i've been saved from that kind of life. and at this point i feel no discomfort, looking back, kasi wala namang bearing ang trauma na iyon sa present life ko. i actually feel happier each time i remember. happier than happy, that i don't have to experience that kind of thing anymore. thank you lord.

pero may mga bagay na may bearing pa rin sa present mo, mga multo na hanggang ngayon minumulto ka pa rin dahil somehow nakasawsaw ang isang parte ng present mo sa kanya.

looking back at 2008, though, dapat mas ganado ako ngayong magsulat, kasi nga, ito ang nag-save sa akin. during those dreary days i dreamed of being where i am now. kaya sobrang nagpapasalamat ako. sobra sobra. KAYA dapat, back to work na!!!!!

syet, ngayon inaantok naman ako. ang lamig, sarap matulog.

why i hate you

they say that in dreams, we process our emotions, resolve our personal issues. i wish i could dream of you. i wish i could work it out within myself why i hate you SO much.

but now i've decided not to wait for my subconscious to resolve this pet peeve for me. kung alam mo lang how bitter i am, for reasons that my conscious mind cannot exactly pinpoint at the moment. basta alam ko lang, pag nababanggit ka, something negative stirs in me. i'm dampened, no matter how happy i am. like a shadow on a sunny day, rain on a wedding day.

pag iisipin ko, now i know why. or whys. and it has to do not only with the past but also with the present. i HATE you because of the past and because of the present. i HATE you even if i was the one who left, the one who did the "rejecting", just because. para kang latay noon sa pagkatao ko. kaya nga kita iniwanan in the first place. pero alam ko, deep inside, na pag hindi kita iniwanan, iiwanan mo rin ako. kaya siguro inunahan na kita. in deep, hindi ko man aminin, isa yon sa major reason.

now i'm fine, now i'm in a good place. with good people. and even if the memory of my past with you no longer hurts me, i will still carry the scars. not your fault. not anyone's fault, really. maybe except mine.

maraming kasong ganito. pero yung iba, naproseso ko nang tama. kaya okay na ko. wala akong bitterness. wala akong hatred. pero ikaw, ginusto lang kitang kalimutan. i simply shoved your memory at the back of my mind, and moved on. kaya siguro ngayon nagiging hangup.

i hated you for the past. for the bad feelings you brought upon me. but i hate you for the present, too. wala na kong mahihiling pa. nagpapasalamat ako sa diyos. i left you but i had a feeling that if i had wanted to come back to you, i would be the one rejected. and for that you are inaccessible to me in many senses of the word. inaccessible, unattainable. i was the one who left you and yet i'm the one who felt rejected and jilted. that's why i hate you so much.

if i would ever want you again, it would only be because i believe you wouldn't have me. ganon talaga siguro ang tao. they are tormented by those which they think they can never have. kahit masaya na sila.

that's why i hate you. and not only that. i also resent my inability to gain access to you. my inability to get inside you. you are literally closed in. and i hate you for it. because as far as i'm concerned, your doors have always been closed for me, and it's a fitting metaphor of our relationship. i was the one who left you, yet i feel that it was you who never gave me a chance.

i felt that there has been an injustice. siguro kaya masama ang loob ko. at kahit naiintindihan ng utak ko ngayon na wala namang rason para magalit, i still carry my baggage inside. and there's nothing that i want MORE than for you to finish up and get your ass out of my immediate environment. finish up and curl up and die, because i don't want to hear about you again.

so that's why i hate you. acknowledgment is the first step. i HATE you. i HATE you and i feel better now, just saying it.

happy times

downtime doesn't come around often in this line of job, so i'm making the most of it. my approximation is i'll be free til monday next week. after that, it's back to the whirlwind again. back to nene and her funny-sad life.

list of To-Dos.

1. go to bed in the normal hours. been doing this for the past several days now. i actually feel GOOD, waking up early in the morning with a full-batt load of 6-9 hours sleep.

2. lose weight. damn. di ko na alam ang gagawin ko. ang hirap ng laging nakaupo sa harap ng laptop. the weight is harder to lose. and i don't even want to acknowledge the possibility that my pushing-30 has something to do with the weight lag. NO!

3. get registered. check. have a funny anecdote about this day. actually related to my pushing 30. hehe. later!

4. make a new "investment". check. i'm happy. i want to make it grow, kahit baby steps lang. basta steadily growing.

5. de-uglify. relax, rebond, wax. haha. ongoing.

6. shop a little. check.

7. do a little studying on the side. argh. i should constantly be learning on the job. kaso nauuna pa ang fb games. this is should do asap.

8. do more time with bosobear. kaso si bosobear naman ngayon ang busy sa isang show nyang demanding sa oras. hmprf. nakakanakaw naman kami ng at least 1 day in a week, though. i just HATE it that this will have to go on til february next year. :-(

despite a few pet peeves, i'm relatively happy. thank god. thank god for the rest. thank god for the stability of life. i'm happy being stable this way. i don't look for adventure anymore. an old friend was shocked yesterday when i'd told her that i'd 'settled down' for a writing job. kasi nung huli kaming nagkausap ang statement ko pa noon, "ayokong magka-lovelife kasi ayokong ma-distract sa filmmaking dream ko'. haha. siguro nga nangyari ang kinatatakutan ko. pero hindi solely dahil nagka-lovelife ako, marami ding factors kung bakit mas gusto ko na lang ang stability na binibigay ng buhay ko ngayon. pera, pagtanda, the uncertainty of the future and my learnings from the past. nangyari ang kintatakutan ko pero ngayon na-realize ko na, hmm. it's not as bad as i'd envisioned it to be. i know i'm still young at 29, i can always go back to what i'd started. i can aspire to go indie again, lead that kind of life, pero iba na ang habol ko sa buhay ngayon. that kind of life, at its best, can take you places (literally and figuratively), but it's not stable. financially, and else. kaya dito na lang ako kung saan ang happiness, mas abot-kamay. kasi, nung nandon rin ako sa ganong klaseng buhay, i was never happy enough. the dream consumed me, and i'd never be happy enough until i got to the dream.

at least, dito, content na ko. between fame/adventure and money/stability, i'd choose the latter now. at, well, malaking factor din ang love. dahil mas accommodating ang buhay ko ngayon sa love kesa dun sa buhay ko noon. so, yeah, i guess nangyari ang kinatatakutan ko. pero it really ain't as bad as i used to think it might be.

on my way home kahapon, nadaanan ko ang dati kong highschool. tamang-tamang palabas ng gate ang highschool classmate kong teacher na doon ngayon. they know from fb na i'm writing for k@t0rse and they say they love the show. dati snob ako pagdating sa tv. nainherit ko ito sa film school noong college. pero ngayon na-realize ko na may kakaibang fulfillment din pala pag nagsusulat ka sa tv. kung dati i'd glow from criticisms and praises from cinephiles and film critics, ngayon equal din ang fulfillment na nararamdaman ko pag pinagdidiskusyunan ng mga 'ordinaryong' tao ang tv show namin. anywhere i go, there would always be someone who watches k@tors3, and that makes the hard work and sleepless hours and creative "prostituting" all worth it.

shet, gusto ko talagang ikwento yung nangyari sa registration. haha. palakpak tenga moment for pushing-30 me. hehehe. later!

the sweetest thing

i love this, too. cute concept. parang crush ko na si bono, hehe.

may cameo pa ng boyzone, buhay na buhay pa si stephen gately.

4:05 am when i should really be sleeping

i don't know why but this U2 song (even the video!) reminds me of the e-heads' 'huling el bimbo'.

and can i just say the U2 is way up there in my list of most favorite artists of ALL time. their songs are timeless. they never go out of style.

no air, no rest...

...for the happy worker. thank god. i love being busy.

done with the 3rd script at 6pm. slept a bit. tomorrow, meeting na naman. thursday and friday, lock-in brainstorm. malamang, scripting over the weekend. go, go, go.

nabaligtad ang body clock ko over the past 5 days. now i go to bed at 7 or 8 pm and wake up at 3 am.

hindi ko na iniisip kung maganda o hindi. gusto ko na lang matapos. hopefully, by week 12 hindi ko na kailangang pagdaanan yun. dapat quality over time pa rin lagi. which means dapat iwasang maipit ng deadline. which means dapat magsimula ng maaga, bawasan ang procrastination, and/or bilisan ang trabaho somehow.

naaadik ako sa restaurant city ngayon. i'm consumed by the need to keep levelling up my menu. para tumaas nang tumaas ang overall rating ng restaurant ko.

i think i need a massage. maybe i'll get one after week 12 na lang.

and yes, to keep myself from missing people, i should try to pretend that they don't exist for the meantime. maybe that should help. rather than feel blue and resent things that i should actually be grateful for.

heavy dutied

last week was relatively work-free. this week naman ako binawian ng universe.

up until 3 am this morning, i'd been writing non-stop since friday afternoon. dalawang episode scripts kasi ang na-assign sa akin. tapos biglang pina-stretch ang 2 eps to 3. what was originally a "revision" turned out to be much bloody more laborious than our draft 1. at least for me.

kasi, ang nakagisnan kong pagsusulat since january 2008, you sit down to write with a solid treatment to begin with. kaya siguro nahirapan ako. dahil given the deadline na super-tight, dalawang proseso ang pagdadaanan ko---treatment, then writing. light-duty work ang kinagisnan ko, sunday afternoon show style. kaya ngayon tuloy napag-isip isip ko kung kaya ko bang mag-survive pag dumating ang araw na ma-deploy ako sa isang show na heavy-duty lagi ang work required of me. sige, saka ko na iisipin. mas priority ko ang matulog kesa mag-worry o mag-proseso ng mga bagay-bagay.

pero gusto ko munang i-immortalize ang past 3 days, so pardon me po.

friday afternoon, i started early, kasi na-anticipate ko nang mabigat ang workload. nakatapos ako ng isang body by 5pm. at 5pm, biglang nag-brownout. buyshet! badtrip talaga ko! ilang oras din akong nakatunganga dahil eventually na-drain ang battery ni Goldie (laptop ko). depressed. alam ko hindi ako aabot sa deadline, kung 2 scripts ang isasubmit ko. kaya ko ang 1, but not 2 on a 1-day deadline.

so nag-isip agad ako ng paraan. tinawagan ko ang headwriter ko. kinonsult ko sya about an idea. in the middle of the conversation, nasabi ko sa kanyang brownout sa amin, kaya binigyan nya ko ng extension para sa 2nd script. tapos, 5 minutes later, sabi nya baka pwede mo nang gawing 3 scripts ang 2. ikaw na ang bahalang mag-restructure. sunday pa rin ang deadline.

okay na sana ang sunday. kaso nakapangako ako kay bosobear ng sabado night. sabado night lang sya free dahil sa show nyang demanding sa oras (haha, bitter?), and after sabado hindi pa sigurado kung kelan sya magiging free ulit.

i decided that i'd meet up with bosobear on sabado night pa rin and resume work when i get home later. risky yun kung meeting deadlines ang pag-uusapan. practical me would've cancelled the date and used the time instead to write. but that's love. haha.

5pm saturday ko na natapos ang 1st script. wala pang tulog, stressed out sa kakamadali, as soon as i pressed the SEND button to email the script dumiretso na ko for a bath, dressed up quick, and went to SM North where i was to meet bosobear. puyat, pagod, pero happy pa rin to see him after more than a week. dinner, coffee, and i was home by 1 am. balik agad sa pagsusulat. until the wee hours of monday.

those 30 hours were hazardous to my health. really. i could no longer keep track of how many yosis and cups of coffee i had consumed during that time. hindi ako makakain. may mga times na feeling ko hindi na ko makahinga. sumasakit ang katawan ko all over, and for the first time my body was demanding a massage. (mental note: try to get a massage after 3rd script) hindi na ko makausap nang matino, dahil parang wala na kong naririnig.

naisip ko, kung hindi ako nakipag-date nung sabado, hindi mangyayari ito. and to think na 2 scripts pa lang yun. may pangatlo pa. heavy dutied ako, pero sa soaps nga na iba, isa lang ang writer, at sya ang magti-treatment/scripting for an entire WEEK. ako, three days lang. so i guess...magandang training na rin ang mangarag nang ganito. haha.

at 3am kanina, my headwriter called and asked, na-submit mo na? maganda ba ang 2nd script mo? jusko, parang gusto kong tumawa at umiyak. honestly, hindi ako masaya sa nagawa ko. pero quality has taken 2nd place to speed, like how it always does, come ipitan time. so sabi ko, bahala na po kayo. at least, isang ire na lang, tapos na ang bowel movement ko for Week 11 ng k@t0rse.

went to bed at 4am, woke up at 8. naiinis ako dahil i was ready to sleep for a full 8 hours, pero nagising ako nang maaga. hay. pero okay lang, kasi paggising ko, kumain ako ng isang masarap na malaking breakfast, at ngayon nagre-relax ng konti bago magtrabaho uli. huhu. sana lord masulat ko naman ng matino itong pangatlong script na to. please please. sobrang sabaw na kasi ako nung sinusulat ko ang 1st two.

good morning

stayed all night because i slept nearly half the day away yesterday. i dunno. i'm just not sleepy. these past three nights when i'd be up til sunrise i've been looking forward to early breakfasts and coffee more and more. and more.

dang. i should start dieting. i'm getting paunchier by the day. not good. isa sa mga pangarap ko ang makapagsuot ng labas-pusod na spaghetti strapped top bago ako kunin ni lord.

saw "stranger than fiction" on surfthechannel.com. entertaining, to say the least. original short-of-brilliant concept. shet. gusto kong gumawa ng ganong kwento. gusto kong gumawa ng orig na kwento. pero dahil WALA NANG ORIG sa mundo sa mga panahong ito, at least yung spinoff ng isang rarely-used na kwento. or at the very least, isang kwentong hindi na orig ang template pero dahil sa mgga detalye, nagiging fresh at original siya.

ang dami kong gusto. for now, though, i'm confined to nene.

i'll miss osobear. job#2 will keep him busy, maybe even on days when we would usually go out to watch a movie. and i will be busy with--as usual--nene. oh i love nene. somehow she pulled me through in the last script. wait, no it was gabby. i love gabby. i hate it that i love him.

love jojo too, but that's a given. who wouldn't love jojo. he's perfect. he's the cliche in a romantic story. but gabby is somethin else. he's a prism.

pero sa lahat ng mga lalake sa buhay ni katorse, si albert ang tipong gugustuhin kong pakasalan. aww. sayang, less airtime for him compared to the other two. angkyutkyut nya.

ramblings of a sleep-deficient (?) up-all-night owl. gusto ko pa ring mag-volunteer, naghahanap lang kung saan. maghahanap ako dito sa marikina para malapit. ehe. at least the family has given clothes to the neighborhood parish church na nagrerepack ng mga donations for the ondoy victims. thank god hindi natuloy dito sa pepeng. thank god!

happy tuesday, all! my plan for the day, if i would omit sleep from the agenda:

1) go to ey-bee-es for last month's paycheck
2) go to the bank

sheesh. sana lang matupad ko. i always miss those bank and cashier's office cutoffs because of my nite owl habits.

go away pepeng

change course. wreak your havoc in the ocean, where there are no people and property. blow him away from us, lord.


at 11am today, i was done with the script. gumana lang talaga nang tuloy-tuloy ang makina at 2 am. overtime at 33 pages (dapat 24 lang ang max). hay. pero masaya na ko dahil ngayon pwede na kong magpahinga. for the meantime, til the next brainstorm.

nate-tense ako sa supertyphoon daw na nagbabadya. gusto kong gumawa ng shopping list, kahit di ko afford mag-splurge.

1) canned goods
2) noodles
3) water
4) candles

got to go to the grocery store now to buy these stuff. kasi feeling ko bukas magdadagsaan ang mga panic buyers. kung sakali mang tumuloy si pepeng, here's hoping we're more prepared for him than we were for ondoy.

FOCUS.

easier freakn said than done. aw, shut up. time is running out, beeyatch. you have less than 24hours now. why dont you just freaking CUT the internet and just keep writing and don't freaking stop? don't even watch the show at 6pm and just...KEEP WRITING????

ampangit ng nagiging habit ko. crammer beeyatch.

i just don't feel right. not feeling right right now. i really should just FOCUS. and forget everything else, but this story you need to freakin tell, freak.

sa kuko ng setyembre

sleepless. lumaklak ng maraming kape para hindi makatulog dahil may deadline na hinahabol. i have more than 24 hours to finish 20-plus sequences. chicken for some. pero nahihirapan talaga ako.

three days since the great deluge. nung mga panahong nag-marathon rain for 7 hours straight, i was fast asleep. galing kami ng lockin ng mga co-writers ko at hanggang alas-7 ng umaga sa quezon city. mabuti na lang at naisipan na naming umuwi by then, dahil in an hour pala eh darating na ang delubyo. if we had stayed later, baka na-stranded kami sa quezon city.

alas-onse ng umaga, tumawag ang co-writer kong si penguin. it was raining outside, but i was too drunk with sleep to notice anything unusual. may alarm sa boses ni penguin--ok lang daw ba ako? i even thought the question was weird. sabi ko, oo...bakit? kasi daw inabot na ng baha ang sahig ng kwarto nya. hindi pa ko makausap nang matino. kasi nawi-weirduhan talaga ako na ginising pa nya ko just to say na binabaha ang kwarto nya. at that time, i didn't think there was anything to be red-alerted about.

went back to sleep after the call, was woken up by the brownout at 5pm. buong gabing walang ilaw sa lugar namin. the rain wouldn't stop, but i saw nothing to be worried about. naka-confine ang consciousness ko sa immediate environment---stormy, but since we were on high ground, hindi naman bumabaha. all evening may mga nagtetext to ask kung ano ang lagay ko dahil binabaha na raw ang buong marikina. the next day, seeing everything on tv, nun ko lang nalaman ang extent ng damage na hinatid ng bagyo.

it was surreal. watching the images on tv, i nurtured mixed feelings. half thankful to god na we were lucky to have been spared. half distressed for those who weren't as lucky as we are. lalong surreal nang nag-travel na ako the next day to see with my own eyes ang ruins na iniwan ng bagyo. nagsubside na ang baha pero kita sa mga buildings at mga bahay ang outline ng water level. everywhere there was mud and kuyagots. pati isang metal na karatula, nayupi sa tindi ng sinapit the day before. along the marikina bridge at sa barangka, andaming mga kotseng nakabalandra lang sa gilid ng kalsada. yung iba, parang mga matchbox cars na binangga ng isang destructive na bata against another car.

surreal din makita sa tumana (one of the worst-hit areas in marikina) yung mga homeowners na busy na nagtutulungang linisin ang mga bahay nila. it was monday and everyone was in working mode. nilalabahan ang mga damit, binabrush ang mga furniture. nakapila sa poso. nakapila sa bigasan. ang busy busy ng lugar in the midst of the wreckage. contrapuntal, dahil buhay na buhay silang lahat. tama ang isang kaibigan nang magcomment sya na ang mga pinoy, hanep sa bayanihan. and may i add na sa mga nakita ko sa tv, hanep din ang mga pinoy sa katatagan dahil binaha na nga at lahat, nakukuha pa ring ngumiti. binaha na at lahat, hindi gi-give up. lalangoy kung kinakailangan, and with a smile to boot.

nakakalungkot makita ang hometown ko na ganun ang itsura. for someone who's normally apathetic sa current events---hindi nga ako bumoboto--kinurot talaga ako ng nangyaring to. my heart goes out to those who lost their property. lalo na sa mga taong namatay o namatayan. i used to love rain. i used to love water. pero ngayon, konting ulan lang, konting baha lang na madadaanan on the way home, nara-rattle ako. paano pa kaya yung mga talagang nasalanta. financial and emotional ang hagupit sa kanila, at dadalhin nila yun for who knows how long.

sabi nila, parte daw si onyong ng climate change. sintomas sya. at hindi imposibleng may mga sumunod sa kanya. sana naman lord, wag na. kung hindi maiiwasan, at least sana handa na kaming lahat. sana wala nang mangyaring ganito.

8am. demmet.

nene, hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko sa yo.

buhay na buhay ka na. at kami ang sumusulat ng buhay mo. natatakot akong sirain yung buhay na yon. with every script, dala ko ang takot na yon, at habang tumatagal, lalong tumitindi. kahit hindi lang ako ang may responsibilidad sa pagsusulat. nakaka-stress pa rin.

tulad ngayon, ne. paano na ba to? may balangkas na, pero parang hindi ako solved. hindi kita pwedeng sulatin na parang 2-dimensional na cardboard ka lang. kailangan sulatin kita na parang totoo kang tao. pagod na ko, hindi ko na alam kung paano. kailangan ng extra effort para iwasan ang hindi dapat gawin. extra extra effort pa rin na gawin ang tama, ang effective. at sa totoo lang, sa ngayon, hindi ko alam kung ano ang magiging effective. all i have is this fear. of ruining the illusion. of failing you. of not meeting the deadline. not necessarily in that order.

nene, tulungan mo ko. nag-ask na ko kay god ng tulong. sa yo naman ngayon, bilang totoong tao ka na sa utak namin. tell me, what would you do? how would you feel? what will bring you there from here? ano? bakit? paano?

24 hours pa naman. we have time, ne. talk to me. schizo mode, but kebs. as the weeks fly by, it's getting harder and harder to keep you alive and real. please, help.

magiging busy ang october. lord, help. sana kayanin ko nang walang magsa-suffer. ok nang ako ang mag-suffer, basta ok ang trabaho.

90s kid forever

they're playing late-90s songs on the radio. bigla akong bumalik sa "wonder years" ko--late highschool and the entirety of college. sunud-sunod ang kanta, at kilala ko lahat ang mga artists, alam ko lahat ng mga lyrics. i don't wanna wait ni paula cole. don't throw it all away ni jennifer love. "it's another sad love song..." ni toni braxton. "how do i live" ni trisha yearwood. ang mga unforgettably forgettable songs ng boyzone. HAY. ika nga ni celine dion nung 1997, it's all coming back to me now. nostalgia mode.

there was a time na kasama ko sa sleeping rituals ko ang panonood ng MTV. na araw-araw kong pinapatugtog ang mga kanta ni sarah mclachlan sa CD/cassette player ng tatay ko. ang sarap magwala sa harap ng salamin habang nakikikanta with alanis morrissette ng "you oughtta know". ang sarap mag-"dancercise" to the tune of "wannabe", "who do you think you are" and "spice up your life" ng spice girls. and there was a time na nasikmura ko na rin ang "quit playing games" ng backstreet boys, if only for the pretty instrumental intro (and the cheesily pretty Wet Boys music video). naging part din ng life ko noon ang pagkain sa (then-new) Kenny Rogers along katipunan, na laging nagpapatugtog ng mga songs nina trisha yearwood at shania twain.

back to present. nagsalita ang DJ sa radio: welcome to our Retro Show! natigilan ako. natigalgal. napatiimbagang ---did i hear right? RETRO na ang 90s? wasn't it only yesterday? sya na ba ang bagong retro ngayon? ganon na sya katagal? no sh**t?!

and then it hit me. my gas, the 90s is the first decade that i've REALLY lived through, from start to end. pinanganak ako ng 1980 pero the early and mid-80s were just a blur to me. pero ang 90s, buong ningning kong naaalala. 10 years old na ko nung 1990. naaalala ko na ang "vogue" music video ni madonna, ang "it must have been love" ng roxette (na soundtrack ng "pretty woman" starring julia roberts), ang "toyang" ng e-heads (na paulit-ulit na pinapatugtog ng isang kong highschool classmate sa isang field trip noon), at ang "humanap ka ng panget" ni andrew e. in essence, milestone decade ko ang dekada '90. kasi sya ang unang dekada na nasaksihan ko vividly from start to finish. it was my growing-up decade. and for that, the 90s will always be special for me. aww.

now my second decade is about to end. 2000-2010. sige lang, bring it on. i want to live through many many decades more. pero ika nga ni sinead o' connor nung 1991 (?), Nothing Compares to You, '90s. ehe.

other songs from the Soundtrack of my 90s:

"Stay" by Lisa Loeb (dedicated to my ultimate highschool love J.L.---damn, what did i see in you?!)

"The Actor" by Mchael Learns to Rock (ang ganda ng instrumental. syet. tinransport ako sa isang fantasy time and place noon.)

"Magasin" by E-heads. (wala kong pakialam kahit pangit ang boses ko, basta kakantahin ko to anywhere, anytime i want)

"You Were There" by Rick Price (?). isang dapithapong naalimpungatan ako, napatingin ako sa labas ng bintana. in my barely-awake eyes, ang ganda-ganda bigla ng papalubog na araw. tapos narinig ko ang kantang to sa radyo. parang nagka-scoring ang paglubog ng araw. it was surreal.

"Andrew Ford Medina" by Andrew E. nung 10 years old ako, aliw na aliw ako sa kantang to. pagalingan kami ng mga pinsan ko sa pagkabisa ng lyrics nito. hehe.

"Lambada". sinayaw namin to ng mga pinsan ko on my 11th birthday. ako pa ang nagchoreograph, haha.

"Cherish" by Madonna. my first favorite music video nung 1990. ewan ko kung bakit. bago pa lang kasi sa akin ang music videos noon. hindi ko pa alam ang MTV.

"Bizaare Love Triangle" by Frente. 14 ako non. i used to sit outside our house on rainy afternoons. ito ang kantang tumutugtog sa utak ko.

"Cot" from the "Speed" soundtrack. Keanu was a memorable fixture of my highschool years. bumili pa ko ng soundtrack ng launching movie nya, at ito ang kantang tumatak.

"I'm Gonna be a Supermodel" from the "Clueless" soundtrack. in my mad quest to be as thin as i could be (circa mid-90s), ito ang naging national anthem ko at some point.

"Adia" by Sarah McLachlan. heavenly.

"With or Without You" by U2. naaalala ko ang isang memorably serene moment with the sea and sky nung '98 pag naririnig ko ang kantang ito.

"Sunny Came Home" by Shawn Colvin. MTV brought me closer to this song. ang ganda ng video, ang ganda rin ng kanta.

"Runaway" by the Corrs. summer 1998. it was the benchmark song.

"I try to say goodbye and I choke..." ni Macy Gray. Naaalala ko yung crush kong teacher. Minsan hinulaan ako na mai-inlab daw sya sa akin. imposible, kasi bading sya. pero pag nung mga panahong torn ako between being realistic and being hopeful, ito ang kantang lagi kong pinapakinggan.

at marami pang iba. basta. gusto kong ulitin ang panahong yon. makikinig na ko ng radyo araw-araw from now on.

browsing back

from an entry 3 years ago, during my Days at Da BeeBee Haus:

march 9. three weeks and i'm saying hello to the outside world. it's brief wayward swims like these that stamp out the idealist in me. but i wouldn't have had it any other way. ika nga ng kung sino, things happen for a reason. maybe i won't see it now, but the reason will eventually turn up.

the last sentence makes me want to laugh out loud. so all things happen for a reason. if my BB stint happened for a reason, ano yung reason?

well, i fell in love. haha. the me of three years ago would've barfed and rolled eyes at that answer. but it happened. if it weren't for those breezy six weeks, i never would've met osobear, and that's something i would forever be grateful for.
knock on wood, wag sanang magbago!

just a li'l lovesick thought. haha. i miss osobear! grrr!

on a day with a meeting sked that's not yet sure

a part of me doesn't want to, a part of me needs to. who doesn't need money. and opportunity. but the group has been my comfort zone. now we know what they say about comfort zones. you always should try to get out of it.

i hope they retain us. we need that show. if money would be the only consideration, i'd pick that show over the soap. hay.

we'll reach 40. i will the universe to conspire with us. and then, they'll give us that out-of-town reward. basta! 40! at ireretro ang maliit na increase! at dadagdagan ng brainstorm fee! yayaman ako dahil sa soap! i will it! i will it!

i miss high school friends. i'm only in touch with them thru fb. karamihan sa kanila mga wives and mothers na. ang late bloomer ko talaga. mas lalong late bloomer si osobear. hay.

may kaklase ako noon, partner in crime ko pagdating sa kapilyahan. tuwing graduation practice namin nung highschool, we'd have an inside joke. each time may tinatawag na studyante sa stage para i-accept ang diploma, pinapalakpakan di ba, pero ang lakas ng palakpak naming dalawa ay depende sa kung gaano kalaki ang puwet ng studyanteng umaakyat ng stage. dahil nasa harapan kami pareho, kitang-kita namin ang mga puwet nila kaya pag malaking puwet, malakas na palakpak, tapos maghahagikgikan kami. eventually some of our other classmates caught on with our joke, kaya nung turn na nilang umakyat sa stage, masama ang tingin nila sa amin, tinitingnan nila kung gaano kalakas ang palakpak namin. haha. those were good times.

ngayon dalawa na yata ang anak nya. at kahit living in the same barangay lang kami hindi na kami nagkikita. ano ba kasi ang matagal na pwedeng pag-usapan na idadayo mo pa papunta sa kanila. hanggang fb na lang ang correspondence. the years caught up with us. we've led too different lives. well, no excuse. lagi akong busy e. di pa rin excuse. kung yung super bestfriend ko nga nung college na balikbayan di ko pa ma-meet for coffee, panu pa kaya yung highschool friend.

hay. bat ayaw nyong sumagot sa txts namin.

on a sunny note, may butal pa pala akong weekly sa movie na sinumpa ko last year. haha, ang tagal na. pero sayang din yon kaya bukas, kukunin ko, along with the sweldo for the soap. na hindi ko pa alam kung ilang weeks. buti na lang may raket ako (na hindi pa rin bayad nang buo, anuba!). kaya nabuhay these past two weeks nang medyo maginhawa. medyo lang.

kung hindi tuloy ang brainstorm today, sasama ko sa nanay ko sa pagpapacheckup nya today.

in case i forget

monday - sick-at-home day
tuesday - writing deadline day (til 5am next day)
wednesday - brainstorm
thursday - meeting
friday - brainstorm

most of the brainstorms and writing deadlines were for the show that's being pulled away from us soon. sigh. i guess we won't get paid for that. :-( the soap is fortunately doing well at the ratings (knock on wood) and they want us to produce 2 weeks' worth of scripts at a time to cost-cut. hay. that means they'll have to pull us out of the other show that's being cooked. sayang. kasi yun ang malaki ang kita. kumpara sa soap.

no they're wrong. being busy can't always be equated to being rich. even in this job. sana mabago na soon. sana masimulan na uli ang isa pang raket. pandagdag-kita din yon.

i hate it that my mom slipped and bumped her head. because we have to go to the doctor for an examination, kahit na wala syang nararamdaman. doctor means money. kaya nakakainis. pero i really really hope that she's okay inside out and i won't gamble on that by not having her checked. i just hate it that little accidents like that had to happen.

nung maysakit ako early this week natatakot ako. nagpe-pray ako. na sana gumaling ako at wala lang to. dahil takot ako sa doktor. takot ako maramdaman ang anxiety of waiting for the results. takot ako sa worst case scenarios. takot ako, period.

had a weird dream. i attended a wake of two people---my late grandma and a little girl--but there was only one coffin. tapos, biglang bumangon ang mga patay, one after the other. yung isa---yung lola ko pa yon--humingi pa sa kin ng pagkain.

so strange. i hope it doesn't mean anything bad.

i really wish i'd be rich. soon or a little later.

just got home at 5am because of a post-meeting inuman and late late dinner with osobear. mamaya, may brainstorm ng 1pm. parang nakaka-alang gana namang magbrainstorm para sa isang commitment na alam mong hindi ka mababayaran. i really wish they wouldn't pull us out. wala akong passion sa project pero sayang yung money.

hay. money makes the world go you-know. cliche, but true.

anong pipiliin mo, maging mayaman o maging maganda? haha. ang hirap naman. kasi pag mayaman ka, pwede mong gamitin ang pera para magpaganda. pero kung maganda ka naman, pwede mo rin namang gamitin ang ganda para magpayaman. hmm. tough choice at 6 am. itutulog ko muna.

august recap

my august was a whirlwind. too loaded with TTDs to stop and actually write about them. things that kept my hands full were the tv shows and the AVP. up until yesterday, juggling pa rin. minsan nahuhulog ang isang bola, pero tinatantya ko. tinuturuan ko na ang sarili kong mag-prioritize. sana naman natuto na nga talaga ako.

broke for the moment, but that will change soon. will be a bit stabler. kahit papano. i thank god for a better august this year than that of last year. i was depressed, big time. lord, sana po wag kayong magsasawang ilayo kami sa anumang cause of unhappiness.

1st week of august. preprod week. naloloka ako sa limitadong oras at dami ng dapat gawin. kaya ganun na lang ang dasal ko, nasa sana naman ngitian kami ng langit sa...

2nd week of august. shoot week. nairaos naman. with HD, you can't go wrong---at least, look-wise. my first directing job since That Day. thank god walang mga dangerously risky scenes. haha. made a lot of compromises, as expected. but i didn't let the frustrations get to me. this was work. this wasn't (still isn't) mine. they hired me as a specialist. i just tried to do my job despite the limitations. siguro kung personal project to nagdurugo ang puso ko, pero somehow i've learned to distinguish the difference between what's personal and professional where laboring is concerned. dati kasi, kahit anong directing project, ginagawa kong personal project. kaya doon lumalabas ang katigasan ng ulo. ang frustrations. ang madugong work process (instigated by me on other people). pero kahit ganon, marami pa rin akong mga winish na ginawa ko nung shoot nang dumating ako sa...

3rd and 4th week of august. postprod week. na-realize ko na sa lahat talaga ng stages postprod ang pinakafavorite ko. iba ang high pag nakikita mong nabubuo ang pinlano at shinoot mo. ang pinakamajor angst ko lang (bukod sa artistang hitad na ayaw mag-dubbing) ay ang layo layo ng lugar ng editing. and the fact that postprod has been going on longer than usual. ok na ang client sa 2nd cut pero may pinapahabol pang konting minor revisions. di ko na yata feel bumagtas sa kabilang dulo ng mundo para lang upuan ang minor revisions na yon. at least nabunutan na ko ng tinik, at kung totoo ang sinasabi nila, happy naman sila. yun lang naman ang importante sa akin, na happy sila!

pero on the other hand, kung hindi naman sila talaga happy at hindi na nila ako kunin uli, wala din naman kaso sa akin. i'm married to my day job at querida ko ang mga rakets na iba. demanding na querida ang pagdidirek ng avp na to pero in fairness, masarap siya. hahaha. pero like how most married men feel about queridas, hindi ako emotionally attached sa kanya. kaya kahit ano, okay lang. for the experience alone, masaya ko dahil na-miss ko.

the soap has been airing for almost two weeks now and thank god, maganda ang ratings nya. ang sarap din ng feeling na napapanood mo yung mga eksenang sinulat mo. haha. lalo na pag pumapatok sya sa mga aling bebangs of the world. ang saya. sana ma-maintain namin.

kahapon na-disturb ako. may isang kakilala ako na pinatay. everytime that happens, nalulugmok ako. kasi kahit di ko ka-close, nakita ko syang buhay. and i'm reminded yet again of how frail we all are. of how everything can be cut short just like that. hindi ako nakatulog kagabi sa sobrang pagka-disturb ko. lalo pa't may co-writer ako who's been hospitalized and at some point was "fighting for his life". kahit hindi kami super friends nun iba pa rin talaga ang impact pag may nangyayaring mga ganon sa mga people in your circle. promise, lord, yung ganoong distansya is too close to home na for me. ganun pa lang, sobrang affected na ko. sana po lord lagi nyong poprotektahan ang mga pamilya at kaibigan ko.

masakit ang tiyan ko. for some reason. silly me, natakot ako na baka kung ano na to. baka mamatay na ko. ayoko pang mamatay. at 29, i have never been as afraid of death as i have ever been. takot nga ako sa ospital. gusto ko pag mamamatay ako yung biglaan at painless. minsan kasi nai-imagine ko kung anong pakiramdam pag may kutsilyo o balang tumatagos sa katawan ko, and the vividness of the feeling terrifies me. i'm terrified of death. i dread it just as much as i dread riding on a rollercoaster.

september na. i keep praying for divine guidance and protection. last year my september was almost hellish, what with THAT movie na sinusumpa-sumpa ko noon. minsan natatakot na ko na baka pag calm ang tubig, naghahanda lang ang isang tidal wave overhead. but i just rely on faith. that everything will be okay. that i'm just a chronic worrier. that god is good and this is my good karma for the ugly stuff that i'd gone through in the latter part of '07 and all of '08. lord, sana.

nanganak na uli ang pusa kong si keanna. mga pusakal. hay. nagrereklamo na ang parents ko sa dami ng mga hayop sa bahay. kaya one of these days kailangan na silang mag-evacuate somewhere. pero gusto ko pa rin talagang ipakasta si keanna sa isang siamese din. sayang naman ang DNA ng pusa kong maganda. hehe.

argh. gusto ko nang makatulog.