and on the third day, god said... (Part 1)

Day One. Tuesday.

The Man of my Dreams has fallen in love. And with a younger man, no less.

My God. He is gay. Now why didn't i notice that before.

Haha. I did. I knew, from the very beginning. But somehow I learned to overlook (ignore, more likely) that little detail. The truth has clobbered me on the head so many times before it’s made me numb.

And dumb, yes.

~o~

“May jowa na sya.” A friend told me. As he launched on a detailed moment-by-moment account of how my beloved Frog Prince(ss)and his Prince Charming "got together" for the first time, I started crying. I knew it was bound to happen, but still. Every word was a nail through the heart.

Owellll. That's the story of my life.

~o~

Between pain and numbness, I'd choose pain. It goes away much, much faster. Almost like a hangover.

~o~

I was numb for the rest of the day. I wanted to avoid the usual pain and self-loathing I'd go through whenever some god-awful Reinforcement of the Truth would clobber me on the head. A few of my friends and I did some late-night videoke and I wanted to surrender myself to total numbness. So I drank.

But San Mig Light and Smirnoff won’t make you forget that God-Awful Truth...not even when you’re at the height of stuporific intoxication. It’s a myth that drinking will make you forget. Truth is, it will even make you remember (and ramble on about) things that should best be forgotten. Haha. Cheers to Heartbreak.

I must've been the saddest smiling drunk in the whole dang world that night.

Went home at 4 am. Stuporific. I remember the music in the cab. It was that MYMP song. I groaned to myself. The timing couldn't be worse, dear God. I didn't want to stage another movie-esque scene in this so-called life, but I found myself crying again on the way home, with "Especially for You" playing in the background. No, silly girl, this ain't the movies. Stop.

But even the tears couldn't dredge it out of me. Like the sadness was buried in some deep, remote part inside me that even I couldn't get through to it. And so I felt numbed. Helpless. I needed my catharsis. I needed to get to that pain, so that I could dredge it out and get over it.

It was still Day One, after all. Time would be my ally this time.