Sunday, October 16, 2005

and on the third day, god said... (Part 3)

Day Three. Thursday.

I dreamed that night.

The world was a huge olympic-sized pool inside a covered gymnasium, and I was about to join it again. I swam with gliding effortless strokes. And I could leap so high on the diveboard I was almost flying.

It was a beautiful dream. The symbolics were so positive.

The Frog Princess was in it. We were both in red. I kept myself at a safe, comfortable distance.

I woke up, remembering every detail from the dream. Then I dismissed it and went on with the day.

It was the Cinemalaya Semi-Finalists Orientation that day. Went with writers Monj and Dennis. A somewhat inspiring event. There were 34 semi-finalists selected. Half of them were familiar faces. Even Khavn dela Cruz--my Clermont-Ferrand Festival buddy--was there. College schoolmates (Deans Habal, my classmate at UP Film, and Pao Pangan, as cinematographer to a certain Paolo Dy), acquaintances from past jobs (Paul Morales, my fellow Cinemalaya monitoring officer last year; Byron Bryant and Jhune Caina, whom I met at St@r Cinema; and of course, Adolf Alix, my kilig-show co-writer).

Among the panel of judges were familiar faces as well. Industry professionals I've worked with (and worked for) in the past few years: award-winning screenwriter Armando "Bing" Lao (my Scriptwriting 1&2 professor, the best writer I've ever encountered in flesh-and-blood), the esteemed award-winning director Jeffrey Jeturian (my idol!), and Seiko Films producer Robbie Tan, my former boss and head of the Cinemalaya Monitoring Committee 2004. I was glad to see these people again. They knew me and somehow that was a comfort, knowing that I wasn't just some anonymous face who had "tagged along" with the Concept Creators.

Not having been a Concept Creator this year, I had had a dint of regret over havin to "adopt" someone else's "baby" again. But Direk Jeffrey is an inspiration. He doesn't write his films but he makes 'em well. I have yet to tackle a few internal hurdles to be able to arrive at a completed (and satisfactory) written work, but directing for me is a joy. Visualizing is almost like breathing for me. I enjoy it every step of the way.

But who's to say. I wouldn't want me to pigeonhole my own self. Maybe I just need time. Here's hoping.

So all's well that will end well. And with a praying heart, I'm confident that the finals will see Totong Hilot getting made. Beautifully. Nothing less!

Haha. Think positive, keep the flame burning. And pray, pray, pray.

I was much better that day. But numbed, still. I saw someone again whom I had always come to associate with Someone Else. A whiff of sadness and nostalgia again. I can't describe how I felt that moment.

I was going to end the day on a low again. I felt it. The exhaustion (of having to travel all the way to Manila in such sticky sweltering weather) and depression over other baggages from the past two days. So I took it out on one of those Dinosauric Leering Maniacal Males who thought they could get away with sexist behavior.

Haha. Maybe they were right. Maybe I do hate men. Or the nature of males, for that matter.

But I lightened up somewhat. Getting home, realizing that retiring to my room wasn't as dreary as it had felt one, two days before.

And then I started writing a blog entry. The Man of My Dreams has fallen in love. And with a younger guy, no less.

I stared at the words. Like comprehending them for the first time. And then I laughed. A ha-ha laugh. It all seemed funny, the whole idea. If the girl weren't me, I would've found it hilarious.

Now why didn't I notice that before.

I asked for light, God gave me light. If only for a moment. To be able to see things from a sober-sane, detached perspective, and laugh at how serious I was.

Moment of madness has gone on for too long. I'm not goin back there. Ever.

2 comments:

CF said...

"Moment of madness has gone on for too long. I'm not goin back there. Ever."

AMEN TO THAT!! You go, girl!

As one of my friends likes to say to me these days, you deserve better.

saffron_blue said...

AMEN to THAT, CF! We deserve better! :-) Go gurl power ;-)