on the verge of tears

1.The view outside my window: another blue-gray day. on the verge of tears again, aren't we, sky? what's to cry about? yesterday i concocted some myth/lie to my 9-year-old brother. he was asking why it rains so often these days. told him that when the heavens cry, at least one little boy on earth must have done something bad. haha. he didn't believe me.
2. Well, the heavens are about to cry again. who's the little boy who did something bad this time?
3. Oh yes, there IS a revolution out there, right this very moment, a world that's pulsing with life and blood, and now i have the time to earn myself the right to be part of it, and what am i doing? writing a blog entry. :-P Righto. Haha.
4. But let's not be negative here, bluey. we're just making "bwelo", right? Now, what to do next? look up at the crying heavens and wait for one of god's brilliant ideas to fall on your lap? or maybe scour around in your Random Idea archives to see what's workable? i've had those things goin in the past several years, but life has somehow distracted me. oh well. time to get back in line. to get the blood rushin.
5. I have this bad habit. and i'm not talking about my smoking those marlboro menthols (positively despicable, but the compulsion keeps surfacing). i procrastinate because i don't like subjecting myself to mental torture. just the thought makes me want to set aside the mentalwork for later. BAD HABIT. shouldn't storytelling be something enjoyable, if you were born for it? well, it used to be. back in high school. and i still believe that it was during those times when i came up with the best stuff that i probably could ever have. less mature, but imaginatively raw (at least i think so, hehe). and making that stuff was pure enjoyment, some kind of solace from Chemistry and Trigonometry and all those school-related thingies that were forced down our throats in high school. Hey, Ma'ams, I don't want to learn molecular mass, I'm not gonna take up some BS Science course in college. I'd rather write my stories here. And so I did.
6. That was long ago, when I wasn't afraid to face that blank paper. Now there're just too many things to consider. And I don't even have a friggin idea what they really are. That scares the hell out of me, and that's not good, facing a blank paper with an unhealthy dose of fear in you. It's so nice when you're just starting, you're a blank paper yourself, no baggage, no inhibitions, nothing but your ideas, and the desire to get away from the world you're in. maybe that's what's missing. Maybe my world has become too much of a comfort zone.
7. Anyway. I'm going to do somethin about it. If I was able to bring it on at 16, maybe I can bring it on at 25. Haha. To think that I'd spent the past eight months living on deadlines I should've learned to develop the discipline to produce when the need arises. But that's different. That's work. This is something that i want to commit my life to.
8. Aw shut up, overhypin its role in your life won't make things easier for you. Just get it done.
9. Just saw the Kill Bill saga, back-to-back. Only two days ago. I don't really care for the Auteur Theory but if there ever is such an "auteur", it's gotta be Quentin Tarantino. Haven't seen any of his work (except for From Dusk Til Dawn, did he direct that?) but Kill Bill blew the shirt outta me. Amazing. I'd run out superlatives. He could just as well have created a new genre with his work on Kill Bill. I can't think of any film that was made before it that's anything like it.
10. Haha. Raving, raving! Watching good movies teaches me things, but I'm not gonna bore the passing reader by enumerating them. I just love watching good movies. Today I'm going to see Tim Burton's "The Corpse Bride". The last Burton film I'd seen was "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and I enjoyed it. Burton's another "auteur" to me--someone who can make his own stamp on any film he makes. His brilliance would shine through, even if the movie were bad. didn't think that could be possible.
11. Two of my friends who work in the ship cruise business are in town. One used to be special, the other..feelin special. Haha. "Feeling"! Am so bad. How coincidental that they're both in town right now. And how unsurprising that I feel like I don't really find my heart jumpin all over the place.
12. Saturday's the birthday of my Qpids co-writer. Happy birthday to ya, dearie! A party's been set, but I'm not nurturing expectations that a surprise will make my night. Won't happen, so better just look forward to that Magic Mic, bluey. Croon out "Especially for You" and "Tell Me Where it Hurts" til the PBB Eviction audience outside the B1gBr@ haus disperse and go home.
13. Incidentally, Saturday will also be the PBB Eviction Night. Rootin for Cass. The show will benefit more with her around. And Raquel's real nature just couldn't help peepin out from behind her After-Three-Nominations facade. You can't help what you are, really. I feel sorry for her.
14. I love PBB. For so many reasons.
15. I especially like Sam. Not for his looks (well, not entirely, hehe), but more for my impression of what kind of person he is. The first time I saw him in person was at Starbucks at ABS--the typical hunk, and I couldn't care much for those types. But seeing how seemingly down-to-earth and lovable he is inside the PBB house, and him displaying some semblance of talent (elementary gymnastics, but wow, kewl!) firmly placed him on my Top 3 roster of Celeb Crushes (haha! meron ba ko nun?), along with Keanu Reeves and Leslie Cheung. Recent evictee JB is as good as gone. Mwahaha.
16. "You're so pretty," Sam offhandedly told Cass in last night's episode. Awww. "Thank you, Sam," was Cass's detached, casual reply. Hey girl, didn't you hear what he just said? What's wrong with you?! They would have made a great loveteam--two beautiful, down-to-earth people. Fantasy fare. On the other hand, it might turn off more than a few Sam fans--like, say, me. Hehe. Actually found myself somekinda pouting whenever JB and Say would do their oncam PDAs before. Fantasy breaker.
17. Hah. Sky on the verge of tears, still. When are you going to finally rain? Don't hold it back too much. I love rainy days now. Makes me want to ruminate on the truly important things.