and on the third day, god said... (part 2)

Day Two. Wednesday.

I woke up with a hangover. A first time in a long time.

Went to another party that night; wasn't in party mode. Wasn't in any mode at all, but the last thing I wanted to do was to sulk in a corner of my room while the rest of the world went on with their lives.

After the final Reinforcement of the God-Awful Truth the day before, I decided that I'd had enough. Of everything concerning that person. I pushed all thoughts away. When on an ordinary day he'd be passing through my consciousness more often than anyone else. I decided that I would have none of that today.

And I did not.

But it left a hollow inside. Like taking that Bright Spot out of the equation tore a black hole through my very essence. It sounds pathetic and I refuse to admit that's true. I don't think so. It wasn't about the person. It was about the role he played in this life.

Same old story. Paiba-iba lang ng pangalan.

Life's a lot sadder if you feel nothing. For anyone, or anything. A pseudoexistence. A bubble in the timeline, waiting for itself to pop to extinction.

I left my thoughts at that and joined the party. And what do you know. Met the Artshy Farthsy Guy. The last Prince Charming (who, as the story went, soon turned into a Frog as well) the last one who had my heart, just before I had met The One who Made Them All Look Like Toads. Haha. De ja vu. Almost but not quite. Dead loves can only be resuscitated if there's enough to nourish it on.

But nada. Nothing. He was flirting, as he had the habit of doing. But that was all that he could do, and I found that I didn't really care.

I was indifferent. And that's totally different from being numb.

I couldn't say i wasn't affected by his presence, though. You carry the old habit with you, especially with non-closures.

Let's go back to the party. We were in such cheery warm company. Indies, former co-workers, current co-workers, friends, friends of friends, one-time acquaintances. Everyone was havin fun, it seemed. Except me. Tried to forget it, tried to push the thoughts away, but it's amazing how something could still bug you even if you're not even thinking about it. Later in the night I couldn't handle my own sadness. Couldn't stay smiling anymore.

Too bad. I'd been robbed of a good time. By my own idiosyncrasies.

The Indie Film spirit was alive and kickin in that crowd. And I was glad that soon, if God wills it, I'd be part of it. Two of my writer-friends got their concepts into the Cinemalaya 2005 semi-finals. They've asked me to join their projects as director. Sadly for one of them, Monj, "Bakaw Boy" is not going to push through with the competition (for understandable but unfortunate reasons...sigh). But Dennis' script "Totong Hilot" is pushin through and we're not pulling any stops to come up with an impressive entry for the finals tilt. Impressive enough for the movie to be given the go signal.

Life's a lot happier when you have something to look forward to. Like fulfilling a dream.

We went home at 4 am. As my friends Monj and Emman saw me off at the cab station in Philcoa, Emman said, "Ingat, may ididirek ka pa." I can only pray that he'd be prescient this time.

I went home with the same numbness, though. Lay in bed as the roosters crowed sunrise. Made one last effort to get to that unreachable pain again and started crying. Sobbing. On my pillow. Sobbing over what, I didn't even care to analyze. No it couldn't be about just one person. It's gotta be about so many other un-ideal, un-beautiful lonely little things about this life.

I fell asleep at dawn. The worst part was over.

I suppose.