turbulence

the turbulence began three days ago, i think. maybe even way before. all i know for sure is that i am at its very heart right now. i've never been so...dazed and confused. and yes, infatuated.

my frailties. if i could have a chance to be a different person, then maybe i would have taken that option.

Labor of Love
Today I'm supposed to start again on audio postproduction for the short film. A few repeated viewings have somehow bothered me. There's something wrong and I'm too drained to struggle with tweaking and overhauling. Especially when I'm not looking forward to the friggin struggling that might arise from fighting for the vision. Shit. It shouldn't be this way, dangit. I'm in the right position to argue but I don't have the energy anymore. Everyone has been a darling in this production except for one character and I absolutely don't like him right now. I don't need to hear a discourse on music or his own interpretation of the script. We've talked about it long before and he should understand it by now. And I don't appreciate him not respecting what has been agreed upon and being resistant to our recommendations. He's draining to work with. His role is not as significant in this little labor of love as jp and dennis but at this stage his role is vital. and I'm dreading having to face him and his arguments.

On a lighter moment maybe I would have relentlessly gone through anything to arrive at true goodness. anything for this baby. i'd face anyone. i'm just tired right now. and other things are bothering me as well.

i should get back on that mode. for the betterment of things.

My Personal Notes on Stalking 101
note: Look up this entry for reference.

1. asking around, and asking for your common friends' opinion about the current apple-of-your-eye, can be a bit emotionally hazardous, and i've just proven that last night. or maybe it was only last night that their discouraging words hit home.

apart from supplying info, the common friends that he and i share have also contributed their two cents' worth on the matter, and the conclusion is more or less unanimous: this will take me nowhere.

haha. gee, thanks. ok lang, sanay na naman ako dyan. ano pa nga bang bago. so far the record hasn't been broken. maybe because i've been too consistent with regards to my taste in guys.

don't give me that "bading sya" bull, i know that already. i've taken it out of the equation. it's the fact that we're not close, i don't know him very well, and that he's in a relationship with another girl. those things were already givens long before i suddenly got smitten (strange, i didn't see that coming. i'd been detached until postproduction came. even i don't understand myself). but i allowed myself, still. masokista ba ko o tanga lang talaga?

i'm tired, really. i thought i've learned my lesson but maybe i don't really want to learn the lesson at all. maybe people like that will always be the flame to a silly moth like me.

one common friend's advice last night: if you really want to, then give him an idea. but should something come out of it, don't invest emotionally.

pwede ba yon? isn't this all about emotions, in the first place?

i don't get it. i don't WANT to get it. it's probably wiser to just gush in silence.

2. my "research" on the www has been progressive, somehow. we're friends on friendster, at least. haha. that's the farthest that i could go. it amazes me that despite his hectic schedule he could still log in everyday. the photos keep changing and it's become a source of amusement for me, getting to know bits and pieces of him through the pictures he posts. he's photoshop literate. he knows his physical shortcomings and airbrushes/blurs them out. he prefers to use the "semi-brooding" expression over the conventional photo-op smile. ironically, he's not afraid to look unflattering in front of the camera.

and i can go on and on but that's revealing too much of how nuts i am about this person. haha.

friendster. hilarious.

3. as of now i know i could never have the guts to start a conversation with this person, never mind go in-depth with him about his life. i did see him in action last night, though, and it was one of those happy memories to take with you to slumber at the end of the day...if it weren't for the common friends bursting my bubble. well, that's what friends are for. to ground you whenever you're floating perilously high up in the clouds.

last night, seeing him--out of character, in street clothes, ready to go home--was more memorable for me than seeing him in action, up there on a literal pedestal, living out a role. i don't even want to try to understand why. maybe because of the fact that he seemingly just materialized out of nowhere at the time that i'd seen him on his way home, and it was a pleasant (but rattling) surprise. i don't even want to deconstruct my happiness--or sadness, for that matter--at this point.

with regards to getting info straight from the horse's mouth, i'm too cowardly for that. bayaan ko na lang. i'll get my info elsewhere. i couldn't even talk to him. i'm too scared to be found out. haha.

For Love and Money (and the other dawdangies attached to it)
i just gave up a chance to do something that i really love in favor of pbb. i had a hard time choosing between two blessings, but eventually, preservation of good faith won out. times like these, i just think of the bright side: pay for tv work's better, will be working with former co-workers, and the glamor of being part of a high-profile project might look good on the resume...provided that i deliver. compared to the other available positions in the show the work i'm assigned to is the closest i could get to the thing i love doing best (shooting on the field, piecing it together in the editing room), but i can't help thinking of what life would have been in the next four months if i had chosen the other option: the adventure waiting out there on those sunny locations, the jungles and the beaches, the foreign professionals to meet, the lessons to be learned on the field, the sheer joy of filming. they said chances were great that they'd take me in, but the uncertainty of things, slight or not, was a factor to be considered. and yes, the preservation of good faith, where the other party is concerned.

if my luck would be good, maybe the shoot for that other project would be moved to a later date. like, say, last week of march. haha. but that would probably be improbable. heavy heart, but life's all about choices.

so i'll be on house arrest for the next two months. hopefully, smiling althroughout. little time to socialize outside of work. hello again to tight deadlines, corporate policies/politics, days and nights in the ice cream parlor, extra joss and yosi breaks. at least i'd be around mr. ym-snubber again. haha. it's a minor consideration, but it's amusing to note. three months ago i would have taken it as an answered prayer.

Pebbles in the Turbulence
and then there's more. i have pending work for the last project still. somehow the past few days have been too hectic for me to insert this into the agenda. hay. no excuse. i've broken deadline promises to the tribe leader. i should find time to do this soon.

another world to join starts on monday. goodbye, days of freedom. goodbye, random trips to theater plays. goodbye, friends-outside-of-the-network. goodbye, current-apple-of-my-eye. maybe the manghuhula who braved a prediction of my vibes last night was right. in a month or less, i'd be over him. somehow it's not a very happy thought for me.

ganun lang? like lightning bolting in and out of the sky? it breaks my heart, dude. that feelings could be as fleeting and negligible as that. but that's just for the present. a month or less from now, maybe i wouldn't even care anymore.