two days to go (part two)

it's two days to go before the submission deadline of the short film we're finishing. we're in the middle of postproduction, a lonely phase, paling in comparison to the adrenaline-pumpin rushin-and-dashin goings-on in the three-day shoot that happened almost a week ago. thank god, we've gotten this far at this point, and with a work-in-progress that doesn't make me cringe whenever we do the repeated view-and-review. it seemed like six months ago when we first decided that we were going to make this short film on december 24.

two days ago dennis, jp, and i were together to receive the sad news. of the three of us, i was the one who was most visibly downed. i shouldn't have been, i didn't write that script, the concept didn't come from me, but i had thought that my intuition could be trusted, that the vacuum left inside where fears and doubts usually resided meant that most probably, our dream project would be given the nod.

hay. i guess not all dreams will come true, after all. not immediately, at least.

and so, with that other dream project out of the way--leave that for later, we'll raise the money first--we're giving all-out, dedicating all-out for this current project we're crafting. i've learned a lot in the process, from preproduction to the shoot to the current phase that is piecing everything together. not only about making films (on the standard shoestring-indie budget), but about my co-workers as well. it was a test of character, a getting-to-know-you of a sort on a professional/teamworking level. and yes, i've learned a lot about me as well.

the project is special for me in the sense that the material is absolutely different from me---straight, semi-prudish, twentyish girl making a film about ageing flamboyant gays. that's the challenge, in a way, and while there's a part of me that feels like an outsider to that colorful badingerzi world there's a bigger part of me that feels a deep empathy for the gay characters (yeah, why not--being around gay friends, being immersed in the gay-dominated media network world, having been in love with gay guys. haha) my empathy attaches me to the material, because theme-wise, the film is more or less universal. we all at some point ask ourselves if the life we're leading has any substance at all. existential chorva and stuff. so i can only pray that that comes out in the pinis pradak. i can only pray and reexamine the work, if beneath the flamboyance and color, the flash and the dips into the surreal, the meat of the material is shining through.

so i'm outta here. i'm glad that these days i've set aside the mushy-girl persona in favor of the genderless mind, but i still have my slips every once in a while. like yesterday. i'd been pushed against the wall lots of times in the harshest moments of the shoot, but i didn't break, least of all cry. but one word quoted from one person in a casual conversation over breakfast was enough to do the trick. the word hit home instantly and tears spewed out of my eyes--dinaig ko pa si judy ann sa bilis ng mga luha. haha! i hate it. lapsing into the weeping female stereotype.

the tribe leader emailed me about work today. oo nga pala. i have work pending for him still. he said it was f---king cold out there. he said he misses us all. we miss you too, is what i wanted to say. but i guess there's no sense in letting him know that anymore. not this late, not at all, ever. and, well, on second thought, di ko na sya nami-miss. hehe.

on the same day that that OTHER person had unwittingly made me cry i started to realize that there IS an interesting specimen lurking among our cast members. hahaha! funny how defense mechanisms work, eh. the "specimen" is not conventionally attractive but this schoolgirl's crush is real; it's a defense mechanism, nonetheless. or maybe, when you turn your head away from that Exupery Rose long enough to be able to look around, you'll realize that it's not the only Rose in the world after all. marami pala sila. yung iba, mas bongga pa ang kulay.

rose! dang, what an effeminate symbol. haha.

ok i said i'm outta here.