iska ako kaya ayoko sa curfew

i'm done.
emailed the dang thing at 10 pm. fear sometimes drives you towards productivity (albeit belated). fear, and two cups of coffee, and half a dozen yosis in a span of five hours.
sana walang major comments or revisions. sana go na agad.

* * *

apolitical akong tao pero naloka ako sa mga pangyayari ngayong araw na to. umagang-umaga biglang nagmarakulyo na naman daw ang magdalo gang. tapos kung sinu-sino ang mga inaresto, pati mga civilian. tapos biglang may curfew 12mn onwards. smells real fishy. wala akong pakialam on ordinary days pero natatakot ako sa martial rule. kasi lahat ng tao maaapektuhan, kahit yung mga walang pakialam.

sana wag naman.

* * *

ayoko ng curfew. lalo na ang curfew na sa yo lang applied. yung curfew ng mga magulang mong nagiging OA ang concern sa safety mo habang tumatanda ka. ngek, baliktad di ba? ilang beses na ba kong umuwi ng beyond 2 am nung 23-26 years old ako? and they didn't mind. ngayon gusto nilang nasa bahay ako ng before 1 am or umuwi na lang daw ako ng umaga na, dahil ayaw nilang nagta-travel ako nang madaling araw.

tapos pag umaga ka naman uuwi, magagalit pa rin sa yo. paghihinalaan ka ng kung anu-ano. anuba naman ang tamang gawin? ilang taon na nga ba ko?

kelan nga ba matatanggap ng isang magulang na malaki na ang anak nila? na may sarili nang capacities para ipagtanggol ang sarili/dumiskarte sa buhay/gumawa ng sariling desisyon tungkol sa ilang aspeto ng buhay? kelan ba matatanggap ng isang magulang na hindi habang panahong naka-angkla sa kanila ang isang anak, na nagbabago ang panahon at kasama dun ang pananaw ng isang tao?

i'm sad about this. dahil wala naman akong ginagawang mali. and yet somehow i'm being made to feel na meron.

* * *

dahil masaya kong natapos ko na ang assignment ko, sasagot ako ng survey. nakuha ko to ke waterfowl. na-miss ko na rin ang mga surveys na tulad neto.

1. Student #? - 97-11009

2. College? - CMC

3. Ano ang course mo? - BA Film

4. Nag-shift ka ba o na-kick out? - nag-shift ako from Speech Comm to Film

5. Saan ka kumuha ng UPCAT? - Institute of Chemistry

6. Favorite GE Subject? - Hum 1 (love ko ang writing noon kaya nahumaling ako dito). PI 100 (uma-"I have to win" ako sa subject na to noon, hehe).

7. Favorite PE? - Social Dance (masarap lang dumancing-dancing sa tanghaling tapat). bowling (kaka-high pag mataas ang score mo! feeling Queen of the Duckpins ka, haha)

8. Saan ka nag-aabang ng hot babe/men sa UP? - hot gays, oo. sa CMC annex lobby. masilayan lang namin ang pagtawid nya mula sa Film Dept papunta sa kotse nya, buo na ang araw namin

9. Favorite Prof(s)- Nic Tiongson!

10. Pinaka-ayaw na GE subject - Math 1, STS, Kas1

11. Kumuha ka ba ng Wed or Sat classes? - yup

12. Nakapag-field trip ka ba? - required sa Kas1. ang boring ko talaga nun. Between Banahaw and Bulacan Bulacan ang pinili ko. Parang yung kasyongahan ko nang pinili ko ang Span over French na language elective.

13. Naging CS ka na ba or US sa UP? - oo. pero sbi nga ni maryrose, it's no mean feat. especially sa UP CMC

14. Ano ang org/frat/soro mo? - UP CAST

15. Saan ka tumatambay palagi? - CMC under the skywalk

16. Dorm, Boarding House o bahay? - bahay

17. Kung walang UPCAT at malaya kang nakapili ng kurso mo sa UP, ano yun? (Given ang mentality mo nung HS ka) - malamang creative writing. pero convinced ako noon na walang pera doon

18. Sino ang pinakauna mong nakilala sa UP? - si Mae. yung blockmate ko. pareho kaming lost.

19. First play na napanood mo sa UP? - nakalimutan ko na. "Libog" ba ni Jun Lana? ata.

20. Name the 5 most coño orgs in UP- di ko alam e. siguro nga yung mga nasa B.A.

21. Name 5 of the coolest orgs/soro/frat in UP - di ko din alam e. antisocial ako non. at wala ding alam sa mga orgs at soros na "in" sa circle

22. May frat/soro bang nagrecruit sa 'yo? - nakalimutan ko na yung pangalan eh.

23. Saan ka madalas mag-lunch? - Casaa (panalo ang chicken roll at salisbury steak. sa CMC canteen.
24. Masaya ba sa UP? - pwede na. isa syang kanlungan.

25. Nakasama ka ba sa rally? - anti-erap rally nung 2001

26. Ilang beses ka bumoto sa student council? - hende ako bumoboto. once lang ata

27. Name at least 5 leftist groups in UP- syonga ko pagdating dyan.

28. Pinangarap mo bang mag-laude nu'ng freshman ka? - pangarap lang oo, pero not something na tatrabahuhin ko talaga at that time.

29. Kanino ka pinaka-patay sa UP? - yung hot gay na inaabangan namin sa CMC annex lobby noon, yung may plate number na tnv 107. tsaka yung matabang teacher na naging textmate ko na ngayon eh takang-taka na lang ako kung bat ko nagustuhan. tsaka oo nga pala yung classmate kong mukhang smurf na mahilig sa checkered polo. awa ng diyos bading pa rin si hot gay ngayon at may asawa't anak na pareho yung top 2 and 3 choices ko. and to think na iniiyakan ko pa silang lahat noon.

30. Kung di ka UP, ano'ng school ka? - ateneo. haha feeling mayaman. buti na lang hindi ako napunta dun. baka ibang tao ako ngayon kung sakali.

dispersed thoughts

1 day to go. and i only have until today to finish what i need to get approved by december 1.

thing is, everything else is easier to do. everything else i find time to do. i'm the problem. and i know i will not stop being mentally dispersed until i've pulled out this gigantic thorn off my side.

it's a thorn, but it's also one of the most important things-to-do in my life right now.

so today. i will finish it today. i have talked with the penguin about it and he's helped me a lot. i only need to get it down in writing. and not friggin pathetically procrastinate.

* * *

yesterday, we were at a grocery store. and a song came in through the speakers. i like this song because i'm reminded of this one time when the person i was with had sung this on videoke, one year ago. and at that time, nagfi-feeling ako na para sa kin yon.

of course i knew that i could've been imagining. didn't he sing "sana dalawa ang puso ko" at another time, and didn't he say that it was just one of those songs that he liked, for no other reason but that he could sing along with it well? so i knew. that this song, about love and waiting and uncertainty--absolutely jologs and drowned out by its contemporaries during that time--could be special only to me. and not to the person who was the reason why the song was special to me.

"gusto ko tong song na to." i told him, nonetheless. it was irony. because i was sure he wouldn't be able to guess why.

he chuckled. paused. "oo, maganda yan."

i sensed that his reaction was loaded with meaning. bigla akong nag-jealous jowa mode, and snapped back--sweetly, jokingly--"bakit, kanino mo dine-dedicate yang kantang yan, ha?"

"sa yo!" he replied laughingly.

that made me laugh, too. outwardly. inwardly, kinilig ako. haha. yung klase ng kilig na nararamdaman ng isang schoolgirl nung ma-discover nyang crush din pala sya ng crush nya. yung klase ng kilig na makaka-distract sa yo (momentarily), at sasarilinin mo dahil nakakahiyang malaman ng taong kinauukulan na ganon ka ka-corny at ganon kadaling magpadala sa musheries such as a love song.

hindi pala ko nagfi-feeling nung gabing yon. haha. pessimism sometimes yields to pleasant surprises.

my memory of france

i love france.

to me, it represents fulfilled dreams.

i was there once. i had only realized how golden and rare that experience was when i had already gotten home. but i was a little girl lost back then. first time out of the country, alone. the whole thing was just too...vast and complex for my little girl's mind to take in and enjoy at the same time.

if i had been given the chance to go to france today, maybe i would have appreciated it differently. i would have done things differently. but the memory of that trip three years ago still transports me to a time when all my dreams seemed to be within my reach.

i still dream of going back to france. back to the dreams that i once had, and hope to have again.

Ten Things I Want to Do During the Christmas Holidays

1. Frolic in that new Winter Wonderland amusement place near Mall of Asia (snow! snow! kahit fake, go!)
2. Ride the Roller Coaster in Enchanted Kingdom (i absolutely hate it and would never want to ride it. but!)
3. Go Christmas shopping for myself, my loved ones, and friends (haaaay. Lord, sana magawa ko to in grandiose fashion)
4. Experience Baguio at its coldest (and loveliest)
5. Efficiently and effectively mount my first director's school film (please Lord! please!)
6. Have a happier-than-happy anniversary celebration
7. Visit someone's family (with happy results) for the first time
8. Earn money for the holidays
9. Receive gifts that i would really want to have, material and non-material (wish list entry to come zooon)
10. Go to Palawan and Zambales (adventure to cap the year! please please!)

acting 102

pero nae-enjoy kong mag-artista. kahit artista-artistahan lang, i.e. sa acting workshops in school o sa drills ng mga classmates ko, o kahit bit part sa pelikulang kasama ko sa production sa staff. di ko mapinpoint exactly kung bakit. dahil siguro vain ako at gusto kong makita ang sarili ko sa screen? hindi din, kasi dun sa 3ndo, ang chaka chaka ko at embarrassing experience each time napapanood ko dun ang sarili ko. dahil siguro exhibitionist ako? kasi nga naman kelangang maghubo't hubad ng pagkatao pag umaarte ka? hmm, ito nga ang pinaka-hate kong part di ba?

ewan. basta challenging sya in ways na di ko ma-describe. parang gusto kong ulit-ulitin. gusto ko syang karirin in a not-so-karir way, if that makes any sense. karirin na hindi gagawing career. pampasaya lang, pampachallenge.

kahapon nag-one-man-on-stage acting kami sa klase. tinawag ako. actually two weeks ago ko pa pinraktis yung monologue ng character na napili ko, kaya kabisadong-kabisado ko. hehe. pero taena ang hirap pala pag solo ka na. lalo na pag andun yung direktor ng pelikula kung san kinuha yung monologue na gagawin mo. ngyarr. binlock out ko na lang ang mga mukha. nagfocus ako sa isa, yung mentor sa gitna ng classroom. pokpok na cynical yung role ko. gusto nila akong mag-isip ng isang bagay na cynical ang attitude ko, at mag-isip ng taong kinaiinggitan ko, kasi ganun yung nasa monologue.

nahirapan akong hindi mag-isip. eh mali yun, hindi dapat nag-iisip. dapat nararamdaman mo lang. at hindi ka nag-eedit. hindi ko alam kung tama ang ginawa ko, after so many revealing things that i said (supposedly to the imaginary person na kausap ko at pinagsasabihan ko), sabi ng mentor, switch to the monologue. eh at that time na sinabi nya yun feeling ko hindi pa ko talagang ANDUN. may "pag-iisip" factor pa rin at hindi pa ko nagba-blackout into pure unthinking, untainted feeling.

at some point, pinutol ako. dagdagan ko daw. kasi yung character, sexy. sexy in a brutal way. nag-introduce ng bagong Choice Approach technique chenes. mag-isip daw ako ng isang bagay o konsepto that makes me feel sexy. savagely sexy na dangerous in a brutal way. haha. taena, humihingi ako ng tulong dun sa kaklase naming magaling umarte. panu ba maging savagely sexy na dangerous in a brutal way sa harap ng tatlumpung tao? maging sexy nga lang sa harap ng salamin ang hirap na. pero tinry ko, sige, inisip ko, isang sex shop sa malate. sex yun, pero brutal. ok go.

nagresume ako sa monologue-from-real-life. ilang beses akong tumigil at nagback-to-scratch. kasi ang hirap talagang iwasan mag-isip. at some point, inutusan na kong tumuloy sa monologue. siguro nagmamadali na, o siguro tama na yung timpla ng mukha ko. tensyonado na ko sa mga basurang pinagsasasabi ko sa monologue-from-real-life that i'd been spurting out. tinodo ko na lang ang focus dun sa assigned monologue ko, all the while trying to be savagely sexy na dangerous in a brutal way. haha.

i doubt kung na-accomplish ko yung sexy factor. hindi nagwork yung sex shop concept. pineke ko na lang sa konting bukaka ng katawan at sa pagkakaupo ko. pero tinodo ko ang tensyon. lahat ng bitterness na nararamdaman ko, lahat ng cynicism about a certain subject matter, chinannel ko sa mata at boses ko.

ironically, despite the tension and nervousness, na-enjoy ko. uber. yung proseso. yung paglalabas ng angst in the disguise of another character. may nagcomment na kaibigan ko na sobrang layo daw sa real-life character ko yung performance ko. surprised ako sa sinabi nya, kasi feeling ko nga ang lapit lapit. sa pagiging dark at angst-ridden at negative at cynical. siguro nga paiba-iba ko ng personality, depende sa mood at kasama. siguro me MPD ako na hindi pa lang masyadong malala. haha.

naalala ko na nung bata ako, gusto ko pala talagang mag-artista. kaya ako sumasali sa penpen de sarapen as one of the multitudinous kids' crowd sa broadcast city. at some point, gusto kong sumunod sa yapak ni aiza seguerra. bumalik yung feeling at that moment, na ang sarap nga palang maging artista. yung tunay na artista, hindi yung showbiz na nagpapa-cute sa camera at tumatanggap ng limpak limpak na pera.

pero syempre, nun lang yun. nung matapos na yung turn ko, balik na ko sa "now" mode. at ang "now" mode, tanggap sa sarili nyang ilan lang sa mundong to ang pwedeng gawing profession ang acting. at mas konti pa ang mga taong pwedeng gawing profession at vocation ang acting. at kung magpipilit kang gawing vocation and profession ang acting, kelangang maging willing kang maghubo't hubad ng pagkatao mo on a regular basis. na wiz ko naman gustong gawin. enjoy ko sya pero hindi ko sya ganon ka-enjoy para i-pursue sya nang todo-todo.

pero enjoy talaga, lalo na pag sa skwela. next week, dalawang acting roles ang na-assign sa kin. magkaibang characters, yung isa Manang na nainlab sa manekin tas yung isa Bulag na Gustong MAgkaBoypren. haha. ang saya no! sana lang hindi maapektuhan ang pagiging camera operator ko for the first time dahil sa mga acting assignments ko. ang isa sa mga kinakatakot ko eh baka mas makarir ko pa ang pag-aartista. hehe.

acting101

ayokong mag-artista. kelangan mong i-reveal ang sarili mo nang todo sa madlang people. unlike directing, pwede kang mamili kung anong gusto mong i-reveal, at kung how much ang gusto mong i-reveal. pero ang pag-aartista, nire-require kang mag-bare ng kaluluwa mo--hubo't hubad, walang tinatago--dahil nakasalalay dun ang believability at honesty ng trabaho mo.

wishlist

top five places to go:
1. palawan
2. cebu
3. zambales
4. batanes
5. anywhere in mindanao proper

goodluck to me...but getting at least 3 out of 5 wouldn't be so bad :-)

retro-ing on a rainy day

lovely rainy afternoon.

got a meeting today at 5 pm. at the kapamilya homebase. i love the kapamilya homebase, almost like a second home.

i backed out of something last night. after hours of dwelling over how to work it out. there are some setups wherein much would be required of you--time, effort, mental work--and you would find yourself resisting. to give what you're expected to give. because there are other priorities, other things to busy yourself with. and so you bail out.

now i get it. why some people wouldn't make the leap. why someone, one year ago, probably sensed that being in a certain setup would require him to devote so much of what is his--time, effort, emotions--and he resisted. like how he probably had resisted in many other cases.

haha. i've met these types before. different characters of the same mold.

but that's what it is about. kaya ka nagpapakasal, nanliligaw, o nagpapakahirap na igapang ang isang project. committing yourself to something is about giving AND getting. in this case, i wanted the money. but to get it i had to sweat it out. and then i realized that i didn't really want the money that much if i had to sweat it out that much. same goes for all the so-called free spirits out there, who feel that the prize at the end of the day is not going to be worth the effort they would be required to put in.

nothing personal. pero ayokong maging unfair. i cannot give myself 100%.

ganun din siguro ang rationale ng iba. ngayon mas naiintindihan ko na. and it doesn't really matter anyway, because i don't need to understand anymore.

* * *

shet! it's 3:10. it's raining still. it looks like 7 am outside. i don't want to be late.

excited. managing stress. futilely.

how do i manage stress? i ignore it and stick to my comfort zone. and it's the wrongest way to deal with it, if i am to get anywhere in this still-so-young life.

excited. about a number of things. promising things.

but i know i can't live life the way i lived it in november 2006. hindi na ko pwedeng tumilapon kung saan-saan. nakatali ako ngayon, conceptually. for a greater good, eventually. hopefully.

hay, these are limbo-esque times.

pero happy. dahil naniniwala ako kay lord. that he's looking after me.

90/10 principle for the spoiled little brat

i remember the 90/10 principle.
90 percent daw of what happens in our lives stems from how we react to things, and 10 percent stems from what we somekinda cannot control.
so it's our attitude that can either make or break our day.

may problema yata ako sa attitude. cause habang tumatagal lumalala ang pagiging pessimist ko.

marami din akong pwede gawing interpretations sa 90/10. maganda syang combination of numbers.

* * *

last night i went to the wrap party. party mode, pusturada with matching girlygirl skirt. i stuck out like a sore thumb. haha. pano ba naman kasi ang inexpect kong party, nasa isang madilim na lugar, yung tipong me strobe lights at pwedeng dumancing-dancing, at sa sobrang dilim hindi na masyadong mapapansin ang mga piso sa pata-tim kong mga binti. eh kaso ang liwanag pala. parang may binyag sa function room na yon!

not entirely bad. na-conscious lang ako. kasi laging nangyayari to, na pag me katrabaho ako sa shoot na makikita ako in cleaned up, Not-Working mode, nagugulat. uy, nakaskirt ka? uy, me makeup? uy, pwede ka palang magmukhang tao? flattering siguro kung hindi ko lang alam na kinukumpara nila ko sa itsura ko pag nasa shooting kami. hehe.

at the end of the night, i was bored to death. alang nangyayari. pagkatapos ng kainan, beso-beso ang mga taartits, at kaming mga staffers tunganga factor in between sips of beer and red wine. i started wishing that i were somewhere else, savoring the peace and quiet of a Sunday night.

* * *

i won't deny it. that i'm sad about the time factor. that, despite the fact that my mind understands, nagmamarakulyo pa rin ang Spoiled Little Brat sa loob ko. yung Spoiled Little Brat na hindi nakakaintindi--o ayaw umintindi--ng damdamin at sitwasyon ng iba, at preoccupied lang sa mga pangangailangan at kagustuhan nya. hindi ko sya ipagtatanggol, kasi wala talaga sya sa lugar. at hindi ko sya hinahayaang magmarakulyo beyond the four corners of my psyche, hindi ko sya pinapakilala, dahil magiging unfair sya sa ibang tao.

ako lang siguro ang makakaintindi sa Spoiled Little Brat na to. kung bakit ganon na lang sya magtampo at magmarakulyo. kasi mahal ka nya. at namimiss ka nya. at gusto ka nyang makasama, much more often than what our schedules would allow these days.

90 percent of our happiness stems from how we react. if it were you, maybe you wouldn't be sad. but i have to fight off the Spoiled Little Brat in me each time i miss you. each time i'm compelled to want to see you, but can't, because you have obligations to do. and need to sleep, every once in a while.

hay. 90/10. i just need to remember.

JUMP!

agitated about some things right now. things that i can't identify and pinpoint, or maybe i can, but just don't want to acknowledge right now.

yesterday's class was emotionally exhausting. acting session #1 with two of the industry's acting and directing stalwarts. first time kong nag-acting workshop and i think i sucked. kasi nire-require kami to reveal so much of ourselves, na tanggalin ang hiya.

yun ang matindi kong kalaban. hiya. na kung magde-debrief uli ako, alam kong babarilin ng teachers. because the only failure that you could possibly have in this workshop is if you would not do the exercise at all.

sa reluctance sharing pa lang, andami nang uncomfy sa min, me included. kasi kung physical imperfections reluctance pa lang, i can take up an entire session. pumili lang ako ng 2, pero tip of the iceberg lang yun. i was like a penguin reluctantly revealing the tip of an iceberg but knowing full well that there's an ocean's-breadth of imperfections underneath. ha!ha!

sa sexual reluctance, gusto ko nang maiyak. kasi iba yung magshe-share ka ng info about yourself sa harap ng mga kaibigan mo, o kahit sa isang small pocket of acquaintances. pero in front of an entire class, na kahit dalawa o tatlong buwan mo nang kasama eh kung tutuusin hindi pa enough time para makabond mo silang lahat, it was an ordeal. lalo na sa harap ng dalawang stalwarts na to, na total strangers except for the fact na kilala mo sila for their accomplishments in their careers, ang hirap mag-reveal ng sarili mo. pero actually yung sinabi kong revelation is not something to be shy about. strange nga lang sigurong pakinggan and may inspire an onslaught of follow-up questions, which i was afraid might happen at that time, kaya pinass-the-ball ko na agad sa katabi ko. na mas shocking ang revelation. haha.

sa social reluctance, actually dun ako naiyak. wala lang. kasi isa lang naman ang sini-zero in ko. ako ang taong walang pananalig. hindi issue ng tiwala. trust iba sa faith. at dun na bumubulwak ang sangkaterbang fears at hang-ups.

pero tip of the iceberg pa nga lang yung nagmistulang-bull session na yon. the worst part was the acting exercises. sa anger/rage exercises i misunderstood the instructions. kaya bokya. crayola-in-the-corner lang ang acting ko, which was, like, duh. not listening! sa sillyness exercises, napangunahan ng hiya. bokya pa rin. sabon pa sa debriefing afterwards. sa vulnerability exercises,binigay ko lahat. at na-realize kong mas madali ang umiyak para sa kin kesa magalit o magpakagago. hagulgol ever ako. dun ako sobrang na-drain, emotionally. kasi kahit cathartic sya, masakit pa rin. parang hinigop ang lakas at spiritu mo. sa ego exercises (stand in front and count all your blessings), semi-bokya pa rin. kasi napangunahan na naman ng hiya, dahil yung mga kasabayan ko, mga mahiyaing bata din. kaya feeling ko kung magdadadakdak ako dun ako lang ang sore thumb, at tunog mayabang pa. haha.

all in all, sobrang nahihiya ako na nahiya ako. kasi ang biggest lesson na natutunan ko sa workshop kahapon is that there's no better option but to JUMP without thinking. thinking is inevitable, and you only have about five to ten seconds to make the JUMP, dahil eventually, you will get to thinking. at dun ka na dadatnan ng takot at hiya.

so ayun. kakapagod. pero sige, bring it on. hindi ko planong gawing career ang acting pero gusto kong makuha yung mga techniques na maaring makatulong sa isang artista para makuha nila ang effect na kelangan ng isang eksena. at sabi nga nila, you have to experience acting to be able to become a good director. so sige, next time, jump na lang ng jump.

hehe. mas madaling isipin kesa gawin. dahil kalkulado ko halos lahat ng mga desisyong ginagawa ko sa everyday life.

* * *

agitated pa rin. about a lot of things. dahil hindi pa nasusulat ang assignment. dahil me party mamaya na ayaw kong puntahan (pero sayang ang pa-last day, kung meron man). dahil work gets in the way of life. and happiness. dahil meron akong masamang panaginip kagabi. dahil nahihilo ako sa yosing sunud-sunod. dahil carcinogenic daw ang MSG sa noodles, junk food, at canned goods.

hay. life. gusto ko pang mabuhay nang matagal.

out of sight, out of mind

tick,tock.
hindi ko pa natatapos yung bago kong concept paper for school. huhu.
ayoko kasing harapin.
mas gusto ko pang magblog.

kasi naman e. dapat me deadline.
disiplina lang siguro talaga.
i will set a deadline for myself.

* * *

kahapon i met with my AD for the compost project. sinamahan lang nya kong magpa-encash ng last two paychecks namin. hay. goodbye compost na talaga...money-wise.

sabi nya, gagawa daw ng movie uli yung direk namin, hindi naman sya pwedeng mag-AD for him dun dahil busy na sya as AD sa soap nila ni direk. nirecommend daw nya ko as AD dun sa movie, at kinuha na ni direk yung number ko. huhu. flattering na masaya na masakit, dahil alam kong kung tumawag man sya at ialok ang project, hindi ko matatanggap.

pero isipin ko lang yung "epiphany" moment ko, ok na rin. ganyan talaga. gotta give some to get some. sayang lang talaga ang mga ties na nabuo with directors and producers and other people sa industriya. like any relationship, kelangang pangalagaan, kelangan me consistency of contact, para mag-grow at manatiling maganda ang pagsasamahan. pero pag tanggi ka nang tanggi, pag hindi kayo nagkikita at nagkakatrabaho, unti-unti ka nang nawawala sa eksena, nawawala ang recall nila sa yo, at kelangan nilang maghanap ng iba para punan ang posisyon na dating ino-occupy mo.

bagong posisyon yung mag-AD para sa direk na yun, one step up the ladder, like simiar cases in the past na hindi ko kinuha. huhu. ang hirap pa namang i-earn ang tiwala ni direk. kaya sobrang flattering, at masaya, at nagiging masakit din kasi kung ibang direktor yun ok lang. pero not Direk M.

tama na nga, nade-depress lang ako.

blog addict for the night

got this one from zelle...

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night? si monjam, sa mga pinagsusulat nya sa blog. at si ted, sa mga comments nya. haha

2. What were you doing at 0800? lost in dreamland

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? blogging!

4. What happened to you in 2006? hay! read my previous entry

5. What was the last thing you said out loud? "penge!"

6. How many beverages did you have today? marami rami na rin. coffee, rush water, water

8. What was the last thing you paid for? my brother's baon for tomorrow

9. Where were you last night? in makati, kakatapos lang ng dubbing

10. What color is your front door? mahogany

11. Where do you keep your change? wallet

12. What’s the weather like today? sunny with random patches of cloud

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor? double dutch

14. What excites you? Adventures! --> ako din!

15. Do you want to cut your hair? No…not yet. --> amen

16. Are you over the age of 25? yup

17. Do you talk a lot?when in the mood

18. Do you watch the O.C.? NO

19. Do you know anyone named Steven? aba eh si ninong spielberg!

20. Do you make up your own words? i coin my own terms sometimes

21. Are you a jealous person? ako? hinde!

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’. Arah

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’. Kresta

24. Who’s the first person on your received call list? Kuya Ryan

25. What does the last text message you received say? "antok na antok na ko...tulog na tayo...gudnyt!"

26. Do you chew on your straw? No

27. Do you have curly hair? a strange combination of wavy and straight

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to? bukas? makati uli

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life? mga true blue bitches and sons of bitches. hehe

30. What was the last thing you ate? saging!

31. Will you get married in the future? i want to

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks? hmm. lust caution!

33. Is there anyone you like right now? i liked clive owen tonight in "inside man"

34. When was the last time you did the dishes? two days ago

35. Are you currently depressed? lungkot lang onti

36. Did you cry today? no

37. Why did you answer and post this? Because im a blog addict!

38. Who are you tagging? ROSE! SAGUTIN MO TO!

sweet november

read back to my entries of november 2006 and i was struck. november was my busiest month in 2006. juggling jobs. off to everywhere. and i loved every minute of it.

this year's november pales in comparison. financially, i was better off last year. i had a steady thingie with a syndicated TV-show-on-the-brew that they had asked me to direct (whatever happened to it? the TV show became an internet website. i didn't mind, i got paid. hehe). on the side i was laboring in different shoots (one day i'd be in antipolo, the next day in baguio, then days later, subic, with hardly any breathing days in between). even had my first dabble in directing a bikini open (one of the happiest, happiest experiences of my 2006).

adventure. that was my november last year. adventure and money and passionate freedom.

and now, this. not too bad, but not spectacular either. i've been stuck in a movie project for four months, bleeding (literally and figuratively) and whining althroughout. hate ko kasi ang matali sa iisang project sa napakatagal na panahon. kaya na-enjoy ko yung mga projects ko last november, dahil mabilisan silang natatapos. pero sa project compost, feeling ko naburo ako. lumipad ang puso ko sa kung saan at hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa sya nahahanap. nawalan ako ng amor sa ginagawa ko. naging masyadong matagal, intensive, at extensive and proseso para sa kin. at marami pa ring ibang factors ang pinagtambak-tambak.

sad. i miss the adventure.

okay pa yung early part of the year, from january to april. lagare from one movie to another at live events out of town. pero from may onwards parang unti-unting nawala ang adventure sa buhay ko. napwersa akong mag-settle sa iisang bagay, out of commitment. hindi lang dahil sa compost. kundi dahil na rin sa ibang thingies, tulad ng director's training program. na isa rin naman sa pinakamagandang nangyari sa buhay ko ngayong 2007. pero isa rin sa pinakamalalaking commitment.

sacrifice talaga. kasi, bukod pa sa fact na nakatali ako sa mga classes ko twice a week, me promise-in-print ako na hindi tatanggap ng ibang projects from certain production companies na karibal ng home studio. which means less opportunities for work, less opportunities for adventure. and yes, less money.

(ang sad di ba? malapit pa namang magpasko. at umuwi na ang tatay ko, dahil overdue na ang retirement nya. which means kelangan nang makishare sa mga gastos sa bahay. na hindi naman ako required gawin last year. na ok lang din namang gawin, kasi long overdue na. dapat matagal na kong ni-require. matanda na ko at matagal-tagal na ring nagtatrabaho. oh anyway.)

minsan naiisip ko, kung wala ang skwela at wala ang compost, kung saan saan na rin siguro ako tumilapon these past four months. baka nagawa ko yung comedy movie ni dir3k w3nn for 0ct0 @rts (at nakapag-establish na rin ng ties sa mga bagong tao from new circles). yung horror movie ni direk jun for r3gal (kahit ang dinig ko eh isa syang pasan-krus para sa mga laborers na nakisangkot, tagaytay pa rin yun, and i lurve tagaytay). yung b1g l0ve n1 j@de for st@r(kinukuha nya kong AD! huhuhu), o di kaya yung b@tanes ni @dolf (AD din, at three weeks sa b@tanes. hindi pa ko nakapunta dun). malamang naisingit ko din yung 7-day shoot ng first horror movie ni d1rek p@ul d@za for r3gal (AD din...at out of town din daw to), at syempre, magiging happily "required" akong gawin ang MMFF horror movie ni d1rek mike (pamilya ko na ang dream team na to, at ako lang daw ang wala sa grupo this time).

hay. ayokong gamitin ang salitang panghihinayang, because i wouldn't have exchanged school for all those. school promises something better, something above and beyond all the good things i've experienced in my 5-year-old career. pero there are days na nalulungkot ako, kasi nami-miss ko yung adventure. yung pakiramdam na parang buhay na buhay ka at gusto mong tumilapon kahit saan for the sake of work. dahil nae-enjoy mo ang ginagawa mo, at masaya ka dahil binabayaran ka pa para gawin yun.

kakaibang panahon talaga to. unlike any point i've been in for the past 27 years. not everything makes me sad, though. my november this year may pale in comparison to last year, pero may mga blessings na meron ako ngayon (at wala ako noon), which i'm wholeheartedly thankful to god for. tulad ng skwela. and the chance to finally push myself to focus on being an "active" filmmaker (noon kasi, lagi kong excuse ang work). and the big brown baby bear (na nagbigay sa kin ng mga memories-to-keep sa time capsule #2 ko one year ago--ngayon hindi ko na kelangan ng time capsule para sa kanya). it's true that i can't have everything, but i'm lucky enough to have a lot of wonderful things--and wonderful people--in my life right now. kaya siguro...hindi dapat manghinayang o malungkot.

epiphany. hehe. thanks to this blog, i've come to realize that this may actually be a sweet november, after all.

anong nararamdaman mo...?

tanghaling tapat. may dubbing ng 2 pm sa makati for the compost project. kahit tapos na ang principal photography, tuloy pa rin pala ang trabaho...and it's the tunganga phase in postprod na naman. argh.

dubbing. tunganga. bantay dialogue. there are beeyatchy sups. there are slow afternoons of waiting for artistas who don't arrive. there are cigarette breaks, prolonged, because of the waiting, and you end up thinking that you and your time would be much more useful elsewhere.

masama ang pakiramdam ko. sipon ubo puyat. there's another session at 4 pm. yun ang pupuntahan ko.

* * *

kumusta naman ang last day. ayun, tapos by 9 am. after more than 24 hours of work from laharland to the town of tiles. haha. ngayon pwede ko nang burahin ang sangkaterbang continuity pics sa digicam ko. excited akong gawin yon, with relief, na parang ina-unload ko na rin ang sarili ko from the burden of things that i had to keep in memory these past four months.

nagbabadya na namang mag-resume ang shoot ng comedian-child star movie. mabuti naman, para may sweldo. malapit na naman ang pasko. kelangan kumita continually. sana may bagong project. sana may bagong magpapasaya sa pasko ko.

* * *

hay. sad. in a positive kind of way. in a hoping kind of way. if that even makes sense to ya.

* * *

kelan kaya ako magkakalakas ng loob harapin ang assignment ko sa skul. ang hirap kasing maging sympathetic sa isang pedophile. hindi ko pa alam kung anong laman ng utak ng mga yun.

kung pedophile ka, sagot ka naman. ano bang nararamdaman mo moments bago mo gawan ng "milagro" ang isang bagets?

road block, silbato, at kinakausap ko lang ang sarili ko

the turbulence doesn't end when you get there. not for non-normal neuros like you.

and you thought na patatahimikin ka na. you thought that it's gonna be a sunny day from here on ever after. pero ngayon mo lang na-realize. returned or unreturned, the cycle turns out to be the same. you will go through the same kind of restlessness, the same kind of helplessness, the same kind of torment upon the slightest provocation--real or imagined, positive or negative--because that's just the kind of person that you are.

at totoo, ikaw din ang nahihirapan. hindi mo maintindihan kung bakit parang ayaw mong maging masaya. na kahit you have every reason to be happy hindi mo pa rin matanggal sa yo ang pagiging on guard/vigilant/watchful over the slightest sign that could possibly foretell future unhappiness. takot na takot ka, na baka isang araw ay bigla na lang mawala ang happiness na meron ka ngayon. there's a road that you want to block, a road that you don't ever want to travel again, dahil alam mo kung gano kasakit, kung gano ka-crippling, ang ma-stuck sa kalsadang yon. one-way traffic man o going both ways, the pain is just the same.

at takot ka, kahit walang dapat ikatakot, kasi hindi mo pa naranasang tahakin ang kalsadang yon on a two-way traffic. at ayaw mong maranasan, ever, dahil feeling mo--hindi, alam mo--na baka mas doble, triple, kwadruple ang sakit, pag nagkataon.

and so you block off the thought, the fears and the worries, but they're always at the back of your mind. your faith is marred, because you believe you know the tendencies of human nature, and what powers we are vulnerable to and helpless about, and the things that are beyond our control, and this includes the future. kaya the more you involve yourself emotionally lalong lumalakas ang takot, sa future, sa present, sa kalsadang ayaw mo nang tahakin ever, and you hate the feeling, you feel horrible, dahil punyeta ganitong ganito din ang pinagdadaanan mo in past cases, wala rin naman palang pinagkaiba. akala mo magiging mas masaya ka. akala mo mananahimik ka na. but you realize now that for a non-normal neuro like you, there's no such thing as peace of mind. takot na takot kang masaktan, kaya gusto mong ihanda ang sarili mo, just in case. gusto mong i-cushion ang sarili mo, at i-expect ang worse, dahil in deep wala kang faith, hindi sa tao kundi sa species na kinabibilangan nya. at alam mong unfair, hindi lang sa ibang tao kundi sa sarili mo, cause you're robbing yourself of your own happiness dahil sa mga takot mo.

kaya lagi mong naiisip, less is better, dahil ang mga bagay na detached ka hindi ka matatakot na mawala sa yo. at hanggang ngayon yun pa rin ang naiisip mo, at wish mo para sa sarili mo. sana gumraduate ka na sa mga ganyang intensities. hindi healthy, at ikaw din ang nahihirapan, at ayaw mong dumating sa punto na baka pahirapan mo pa ang ibang tao (no!), mas gugustuhin mo na lang sarilinin lahat ng mga imagined slights at paranoid thoughts, dahil mali. mali, mali, na idamay ang ibang tao.

in your worst moments tinatalo ka ng kaduwagan, siguro mas mabuti pang maging emotionally neutral na lang, wag nang sumali sa laro para walang pagkatalo o pagkapanalo, marami namang bagay na pwedeng ipampalit sa ganitong klaseng happiness (na hindi rin naman nagiging total happiness sa isang katulad mo), pero kaduwagan nga kaya you dismiss the thought, at alam mong hindi mo kayang i-give up. the happiness may be marred every now and then but when it's not, it's something to live for, to breathe for, kahit na sa likod ng isip mo may sumisilbato, may red lights blinking. less is better, less is safe. self-preservation, above all else.

kelangang makinig, dahil you can't help what you are. kahit may isang maliit na boses sa loob mo na nagsasabing walang masamang maging malaya at hayaan ang sarili. hindi. para sa ikabubuti mo at sa ikabubuti ng ibang tao, kelangang makinig sa silbato.

not my morning

i hope the rest of the day wouldn't be the same.

ang hirap tumira sa isang bahay nang hindi ka masaya pag nasa bahay ka.
at least, for now.
we don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, and i don't think there would be a resolution to these things without any heated arguments involved.

but leaving home and living on my own is not an option. not only because i can't afford it, but also because it would break their hearts.

mas madali siyang masaktan kesa sa kin. siguro mas mahal nya ko kesa mahal ko sya. kaya masakit ding isipin na ganun. na may resentment. on my end, on her end. kasi naiintindihan ko kung bakit, pero naiinis pa rin ako. kasi ayokong nag-aalmusal ng sermon.

kasi 27 na ko. matagal na kong nagdalaga at ngayon nga eh papunta na sa pag-"tanda". pero ang mga reaksyon sa paglawak ng mundo ko at 27, parang reaksyon sa isang 15 anyos na nagugumon sa kung anong masasamang elemento.

pero dahil ako ang niluwal, ako ang pinalaki at pinag-aral, ako na lang ang magpapakumbaba. at the very least, wag na lang palakihin ang mga bagay-bagay at manahimik na lang.

halloween night introspekshuns

went to the cemetary today. a first in so many years.
not too many people yet. a plus and a minus. crowds are a major reason why i'd chosen to stay away for the past so many years, and yet today i was looking for it. wanted to experience the Undas Crowd again. for immersion's sake. for so-called inspiration's sake.

* * *

things to do:
1) make a backup concept paper for my school drill.
2) revise the approved concept paper.

two huge bulks of mostly right-brain work. which i'm just procrastinating over. what's new. biding my time for who-knows-what. i know, though, that i'll have to work on those this week. and once i'm there, once i'm caught in the sunlight again, maybe i'll be fine.

but tomorrow is a day to not work.
not for cemetaries, either.
tomorrow is a day to be happy. to want to be, at least.

* * *

stumbled upon some bts pics of the b@t@nes project on mult1ply. sigh. one or two months ago i'd been asked to AD for this one. sobrang excited ako, kasi adik ako sa mga potentially adventure-filled out-of-town shoots. kaibigan ko pa yung direktor, at AD ang role ko (hindi script con! yahoo!). and wow, they were actually asking me kung anong talent fee ko, at nung sinabi ko, sabi lang "ok". almost perfect na sya. but there was school.

i had to turn it down, eventually. and it was one of the most difficult decisions i'd had during that time, so much so that i had to consult nearly everyone i knew about what to do, only to make a decision so late on in preproduction. now the project has gotten so huge (a major film company has gotten onboard as co-producer, and bts features on the film are not-so-seldomly all over the papers these days). hindi na sya "indie", so-called "legit" studio picture na sya. the temptation to ponder over what-if scenarios has come up more than once in the past two weeks.

and then i saw the multiply pictures. kung tumuloy ako, bukod sa nakapag-adventure ako sa batanes, parang reunion of sorts na rin with a number of people i'd worked with in different projects before. yung production manager sa foreign film nung 2005. yung production designer sa shelved "s@pi" nung 2006. yung soundman sa jeff je2rian cebu film nung 2004. at ang script con, bukod pa sa pagiging friendly friend, art director din sa g@ry gr@nad@ video ko nung 2005.

lalo akong nanlumo, kasi mukhang magiging masaya pala ako with the co-workers kung nagtuloy ako. lahat nga lang sila maiitim, at mukhang pagod, pero mukha rin namang masaya. i realize that, not too long ago, that was my life--ang tumilapon sa kung saang lupalop for the love of laboring for film. keber kung umitim, keber kung anurin ng malalaking alon o maputikan mula ulo hanggang paa, basta magawa lang ang dapat gawin, dahil nakabuhos ang buong puso at pagkatao sa trabaho. at kahit pagod, puyat, at ngarag, at the end of the day masaya pa rin.

anong nagbago? sa buhay ko noon at buhay ko ngayon? bukod sa skwela, at sa love life (ha! special mention talaga)? hindi ko alam kung anong nagbago. o ano ang hindi nagbago. o kung ako ba ang nagbago. siguro a little of all of the above. siguro may mga bagay na maa-outgrow mo eventually, o may mga bagong bagay na darating sa buhay mo na makikihati sa atensyon mo, na dating solong solo ng trabaho mo. mga bagay na mari-realize mong mas nakakapagpasaya sa yo kesa sa dati mo nang ginagawa.

i'm not sure. but i'm sure of one thing now. my life is not the same as the one i had when i was that freewheeling happy adventurous creature one year ago. kaya hindi ako dapat manghinayang sa b@t@nes. the me of one year ago would've had the time of her life, yes. but one year can change a lot of things in people, including the things that make them happy.

frustrations. discontent. restlessness. i had these before, but they're much fiercer in me now. somehow, school is a temporary antidote. a potential savior from my personal woes. i hope. i pray. because i want to do more than what i've been doing in shoots these past three years. i want to do more than help others make their movies. i want to make my own.

ok, let's not start on that. para na lang akong sirang plaka nito e.