went to the cemetary today. a first in so many years.
not too many people yet. a plus and a minus. crowds are a major reason why i'd chosen to stay away for the past so many years, and yet today i was looking for it. wanted to experience the Undas Crowd again. for immersion's sake. for so-called inspiration's sake.
* * *
things to do:
1) make a backup concept paper for my school drill.
2) revise the approved concept paper.
two huge bulks of mostly right-brain work. which i'm just procrastinating over. what's new. biding my time for who-knows-what. i know, though, that i'll have to work on those this week. and once i'm there, once i'm caught in the sunlight again, maybe i'll be fine.
but tomorrow is a day to not work.
not for cemetaries, either.
tomorrow is a day to be happy. to want to be, at least.
* * *
stumbled upon some bts pics of the b@t@nes project on mult1ply. sigh. one or two months ago i'd been asked to AD for this one. sobrang excited ako, kasi adik ako sa mga potentially adventure-filled out-of-town shoots. kaibigan ko pa yung direktor, at AD ang role ko (hindi script con! yahoo!). and wow, they were actually asking me kung anong talent fee ko, at nung sinabi ko, sabi lang "ok". almost perfect na sya. but there was school.
i had to turn it down, eventually. and it was one of the most difficult decisions i'd had during that time, so much so that i had to consult nearly everyone i knew about what to do, only to make a decision so late on in preproduction. now the project has gotten so huge (a major film company has gotten onboard as co-producer, and bts features on the film are not-so-seldomly all over the papers these days). hindi na sya "indie", so-called "legit" studio picture na sya. the temptation to ponder over what-if scenarios has come up more than once in the past two weeks.
and then i saw the multiply pictures. kung tumuloy ako, bukod sa nakapag-adventure ako sa batanes, parang reunion of sorts na rin with a number of people i'd worked with in different projects before. yung production manager sa foreign film nung 2005. yung production designer sa shelved "s@pi" nung 2006. yung soundman sa jeff je2rian cebu film nung 2004. at ang script con, bukod pa sa pagiging friendly friend, art director din sa g@ry gr@nad@ video ko nung 2005.
lalo akong nanlumo, kasi mukhang magiging masaya pala ako with the co-workers kung nagtuloy ako. lahat nga lang sila maiitim, at mukhang pagod, pero mukha rin namang masaya. i realize that, not too long ago, that was my life--ang tumilapon sa kung saang lupalop for the love of laboring for film. keber kung umitim, keber kung anurin ng malalaking alon o maputikan mula ulo hanggang paa, basta magawa lang ang dapat gawin, dahil nakabuhos ang buong puso at pagkatao sa trabaho. at kahit pagod, puyat, at ngarag, at the end of the day masaya pa rin.
anong nagbago? sa buhay ko noon at buhay ko ngayon? bukod sa skwela, at sa love life (ha! special mention talaga)? hindi ko alam kung anong nagbago. o ano ang hindi nagbago. o kung ako ba ang nagbago. siguro a little of all of the above. siguro may mga bagay na maa-outgrow mo eventually, o may mga bagong bagay na darating sa buhay mo na makikihati sa atensyon mo, na dating solong solo ng trabaho mo. mga bagay na mari-realize mong mas nakakapagpasaya sa yo kesa sa dati mo nang ginagawa.
i'm not sure. but i'm sure of one thing now. my life is not the same as the one i had when i was that freewheeling happy adventurous creature one year ago. kaya hindi ako dapat manghinayang sa b@t@nes. the me of one year ago would've had the time of her life, yes. but one year can change a lot of things in people, including the things that make them happy.
frustrations. discontent. restlessness. i had these before, but they're much fiercer in me now. somehow, school is a temporary antidote. a potential savior from my personal woes. i hope. i pray. because i want to do more than what i've been doing in shoots these past three years. i want to do more than help others make their movies. i want to make my own.
ok, let's not start on that. para na lang akong sirang plaka nito e.
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