Saturday, November 03, 2007

road block, silbato, at kinakausap ko lang ang sarili ko

the turbulence doesn't end when you get there. not for non-normal neuros like you.

and you thought na patatahimikin ka na. you thought that it's gonna be a sunny day from here on ever after. pero ngayon mo lang na-realize. returned or unreturned, the cycle turns out to be the same. you will go through the same kind of restlessness, the same kind of helplessness, the same kind of torment upon the slightest provocation--real or imagined, positive or negative--because that's just the kind of person that you are.

at totoo, ikaw din ang nahihirapan. hindi mo maintindihan kung bakit parang ayaw mong maging masaya. na kahit you have every reason to be happy hindi mo pa rin matanggal sa yo ang pagiging on guard/vigilant/watchful over the slightest sign that could possibly foretell future unhappiness. takot na takot ka, na baka isang araw ay bigla na lang mawala ang happiness na meron ka ngayon. there's a road that you want to block, a road that you don't ever want to travel again, dahil alam mo kung gano kasakit, kung gano ka-crippling, ang ma-stuck sa kalsadang yon. one-way traffic man o going both ways, the pain is just the same.

at takot ka, kahit walang dapat ikatakot, kasi hindi mo pa naranasang tahakin ang kalsadang yon on a two-way traffic. at ayaw mong maranasan, ever, dahil feeling mo--hindi, alam mo--na baka mas doble, triple, kwadruple ang sakit, pag nagkataon.

and so you block off the thought, the fears and the worries, but they're always at the back of your mind. your faith is marred, because you believe you know the tendencies of human nature, and what powers we are vulnerable to and helpless about, and the things that are beyond our control, and this includes the future. kaya the more you involve yourself emotionally lalong lumalakas ang takot, sa future, sa present, sa kalsadang ayaw mo nang tahakin ever, and you hate the feeling, you feel horrible, dahil punyeta ganitong ganito din ang pinagdadaanan mo in past cases, wala rin naman palang pinagkaiba. akala mo magiging mas masaya ka. akala mo mananahimik ka na. but you realize now that for a non-normal neuro like you, there's no such thing as peace of mind. takot na takot kang masaktan, kaya gusto mong ihanda ang sarili mo, just in case. gusto mong i-cushion ang sarili mo, at i-expect ang worse, dahil in deep wala kang faith, hindi sa tao kundi sa species na kinabibilangan nya. at alam mong unfair, hindi lang sa ibang tao kundi sa sarili mo, cause you're robbing yourself of your own happiness dahil sa mga takot mo.

kaya lagi mong naiisip, less is better, dahil ang mga bagay na detached ka hindi ka matatakot na mawala sa yo. at hanggang ngayon yun pa rin ang naiisip mo, at wish mo para sa sarili mo. sana gumraduate ka na sa mga ganyang intensities. hindi healthy, at ikaw din ang nahihirapan, at ayaw mong dumating sa punto na baka pahirapan mo pa ang ibang tao (no!), mas gugustuhin mo na lang sarilinin lahat ng mga imagined slights at paranoid thoughts, dahil mali. mali, mali, na idamay ang ibang tao.

in your worst moments tinatalo ka ng kaduwagan, siguro mas mabuti pang maging emotionally neutral na lang, wag nang sumali sa laro para walang pagkatalo o pagkapanalo, marami namang bagay na pwedeng ipampalit sa ganitong klaseng happiness (na hindi rin naman nagiging total happiness sa isang katulad mo), pero kaduwagan nga kaya you dismiss the thought, at alam mong hindi mo kayang i-give up. the happiness may be marred every now and then but when it's not, it's something to live for, to breathe for, kahit na sa likod ng isip mo may sumisilbato, may red lights blinking. less is better, less is safe. self-preservation, above all else.

kelangang makinig, dahil you can't help what you are. kahit may isang maliit na boses sa loob mo na nagsasabing walang masamang maging malaya at hayaan ang sarili. hindi. para sa ikabubuti mo at sa ikabubuti ng ibang tao, kelangang makinig sa silbato.

No comments: