JUMP!

agitated about some things right now. things that i can't identify and pinpoint, or maybe i can, but just don't want to acknowledge right now.

yesterday's class was emotionally exhausting. acting session #1 with two of the industry's acting and directing stalwarts. first time kong nag-acting workshop and i think i sucked. kasi nire-require kami to reveal so much of ourselves, na tanggalin ang hiya.

yun ang matindi kong kalaban. hiya. na kung magde-debrief uli ako, alam kong babarilin ng teachers. because the only failure that you could possibly have in this workshop is if you would not do the exercise at all.

sa reluctance sharing pa lang, andami nang uncomfy sa min, me included. kasi kung physical imperfections reluctance pa lang, i can take up an entire session. pumili lang ako ng 2, pero tip of the iceberg lang yun. i was like a penguin reluctantly revealing the tip of an iceberg but knowing full well that there's an ocean's-breadth of imperfections underneath. ha!ha!

sa sexual reluctance, gusto ko nang maiyak. kasi iba yung magshe-share ka ng info about yourself sa harap ng mga kaibigan mo, o kahit sa isang small pocket of acquaintances. pero in front of an entire class, na kahit dalawa o tatlong buwan mo nang kasama eh kung tutuusin hindi pa enough time para makabond mo silang lahat, it was an ordeal. lalo na sa harap ng dalawang stalwarts na to, na total strangers except for the fact na kilala mo sila for their accomplishments in their careers, ang hirap mag-reveal ng sarili mo. pero actually yung sinabi kong revelation is not something to be shy about. strange nga lang sigurong pakinggan and may inspire an onslaught of follow-up questions, which i was afraid might happen at that time, kaya pinass-the-ball ko na agad sa katabi ko. na mas shocking ang revelation. haha.

sa social reluctance, actually dun ako naiyak. wala lang. kasi isa lang naman ang sini-zero in ko. ako ang taong walang pananalig. hindi issue ng tiwala. trust iba sa faith. at dun na bumubulwak ang sangkaterbang fears at hang-ups.

pero tip of the iceberg pa nga lang yung nagmistulang-bull session na yon. the worst part was the acting exercises. sa anger/rage exercises i misunderstood the instructions. kaya bokya. crayola-in-the-corner lang ang acting ko, which was, like, duh. not listening! sa sillyness exercises, napangunahan ng hiya. bokya pa rin. sabon pa sa debriefing afterwards. sa vulnerability exercises,binigay ko lahat. at na-realize kong mas madali ang umiyak para sa kin kesa magalit o magpakagago. hagulgol ever ako. dun ako sobrang na-drain, emotionally. kasi kahit cathartic sya, masakit pa rin. parang hinigop ang lakas at spiritu mo. sa ego exercises (stand in front and count all your blessings), semi-bokya pa rin. kasi napangunahan na naman ng hiya, dahil yung mga kasabayan ko, mga mahiyaing bata din. kaya feeling ko kung magdadadakdak ako dun ako lang ang sore thumb, at tunog mayabang pa. haha.

all in all, sobrang nahihiya ako na nahiya ako. kasi ang biggest lesson na natutunan ko sa workshop kahapon is that there's no better option but to JUMP without thinking. thinking is inevitable, and you only have about five to ten seconds to make the JUMP, dahil eventually, you will get to thinking. at dun ka na dadatnan ng takot at hiya.

so ayun. kakapagod. pero sige, bring it on. hindi ko planong gawing career ang acting pero gusto kong makuha yung mga techniques na maaring makatulong sa isang artista para makuha nila ang effect na kelangan ng isang eksena. at sabi nga nila, you have to experience acting to be able to become a good director. so sige, next time, jump na lang ng jump.

hehe. mas madaling isipin kesa gawin. dahil kalkulado ko halos lahat ng mga desisyong ginagawa ko sa everyday life.

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agitated pa rin. about a lot of things. dahil hindi pa nasusulat ang assignment. dahil me party mamaya na ayaw kong puntahan (pero sayang ang pa-last day, kung meron man). dahil work gets in the way of life. and happiness. dahil meron akong masamang panaginip kagabi. dahil nahihilo ako sa yosing sunud-sunod. dahil carcinogenic daw ang MSG sa noodles, junk food, at canned goods.

hay. life. gusto ko pang mabuhay nang matagal.