sweet november

read back to my entries of november 2006 and i was struck. november was my busiest month in 2006. juggling jobs. off to everywhere. and i loved every minute of it.

this year's november pales in comparison. financially, i was better off last year. i had a steady thingie with a syndicated TV-show-on-the-brew that they had asked me to direct (whatever happened to it? the TV show became an internet website. i didn't mind, i got paid. hehe). on the side i was laboring in different shoots (one day i'd be in antipolo, the next day in baguio, then days later, subic, with hardly any breathing days in between). even had my first dabble in directing a bikini open (one of the happiest, happiest experiences of my 2006).

adventure. that was my november last year. adventure and money and passionate freedom.

and now, this. not too bad, but not spectacular either. i've been stuck in a movie project for four months, bleeding (literally and figuratively) and whining althroughout. hate ko kasi ang matali sa iisang project sa napakatagal na panahon. kaya na-enjoy ko yung mga projects ko last november, dahil mabilisan silang natatapos. pero sa project compost, feeling ko naburo ako. lumipad ang puso ko sa kung saan at hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa sya nahahanap. nawalan ako ng amor sa ginagawa ko. naging masyadong matagal, intensive, at extensive and proseso para sa kin. at marami pa ring ibang factors ang pinagtambak-tambak.

sad. i miss the adventure.

okay pa yung early part of the year, from january to april. lagare from one movie to another at live events out of town. pero from may onwards parang unti-unting nawala ang adventure sa buhay ko. napwersa akong mag-settle sa iisang bagay, out of commitment. hindi lang dahil sa compost. kundi dahil na rin sa ibang thingies, tulad ng director's training program. na isa rin naman sa pinakamagandang nangyari sa buhay ko ngayong 2007. pero isa rin sa pinakamalalaking commitment.

sacrifice talaga. kasi, bukod pa sa fact na nakatali ako sa mga classes ko twice a week, me promise-in-print ako na hindi tatanggap ng ibang projects from certain production companies na karibal ng home studio. which means less opportunities for work, less opportunities for adventure. and yes, less money.

(ang sad di ba? malapit pa namang magpasko. at umuwi na ang tatay ko, dahil overdue na ang retirement nya. which means kelangan nang makishare sa mga gastos sa bahay. na hindi naman ako required gawin last year. na ok lang din namang gawin, kasi long overdue na. dapat matagal na kong ni-require. matanda na ko at matagal-tagal na ring nagtatrabaho. oh anyway.)

minsan naiisip ko, kung wala ang skwela at wala ang compost, kung saan saan na rin siguro ako tumilapon these past four months. baka nagawa ko yung comedy movie ni dir3k w3nn for 0ct0 @rts (at nakapag-establish na rin ng ties sa mga bagong tao from new circles). yung horror movie ni direk jun for r3gal (kahit ang dinig ko eh isa syang pasan-krus para sa mga laborers na nakisangkot, tagaytay pa rin yun, and i lurve tagaytay). yung b1g l0ve n1 j@de for st@r(kinukuha nya kong AD! huhuhu), o di kaya yung b@tanes ni @dolf (AD din, at three weeks sa b@tanes. hindi pa ko nakapunta dun). malamang naisingit ko din yung 7-day shoot ng first horror movie ni d1rek p@ul d@za for r3gal (AD din...at out of town din daw to), at syempre, magiging happily "required" akong gawin ang MMFF horror movie ni d1rek mike (pamilya ko na ang dream team na to, at ako lang daw ang wala sa grupo this time).

hay. ayokong gamitin ang salitang panghihinayang, because i wouldn't have exchanged school for all those. school promises something better, something above and beyond all the good things i've experienced in my 5-year-old career. pero there are days na nalulungkot ako, kasi nami-miss ko yung adventure. yung pakiramdam na parang buhay na buhay ka at gusto mong tumilapon kahit saan for the sake of work. dahil nae-enjoy mo ang ginagawa mo, at masaya ka dahil binabayaran ka pa para gawin yun.

kakaibang panahon talaga to. unlike any point i've been in for the past 27 years. not everything makes me sad, though. my november this year may pale in comparison to last year, pero may mga blessings na meron ako ngayon (at wala ako noon), which i'm wholeheartedly thankful to god for. tulad ng skwela. and the chance to finally push myself to focus on being an "active" filmmaker (noon kasi, lagi kong excuse ang work). and the big brown baby bear (na nagbigay sa kin ng mga memories-to-keep sa time capsule #2 ko one year ago--ngayon hindi ko na kelangan ng time capsule para sa kanya). it's true that i can't have everything, but i'm lucky enough to have a lot of wonderful things--and wonderful people--in my life right now. kaya siguro...hindi dapat manghinayang o malungkot.

epiphany. hehe. thanks to this blog, i've come to realize that this may actually be a sweet november, after all.