I Love You

Dear Audrey,

Last night as you slept, I watched videos of you when you were younger. I love watching those. I'm reminded of a time when you were still this biba, unself-conscious babygirl who unabashedly idolized Snow White and Sleeping Beauty, loved wearing dresses around the house (because that's what princesses wear in those Disney movies), would gladly pose for a picture or video, would generously give baby hugs and kisses.

I was so kilig, watching videos of you making kwento about your day, how you would sing and dance, how you would talk about this imaginary world you created called "Audrey World",  how you would smile at me guilelessly and purely as how a 5-year-old or 2 year-old would.  I have to admit I miss those times. I miss the babygirl version of you-- the newborn version, the toddler version, the kindergarten version.

While watching, I looked at you, asleep-- at 9, almost as big as me (a happy thing!)-- and realized, teka, bakit ba ako nanonood ng mga video mo, when you are right here, beside me? So I hugged you and kissed you (the dry type of kiss--- cause you don't like the wet kisses right? You actually don't like kisses at all!) and said "I love you anak" kahit hindi mo ako naririnig dahil natutulog ka.

At 9 you seem to have taken after your father in temperament-- shy, introverted, less emotional and gushy (unlike me!). Kaya siguro namimiss ko nung bata ka, na nagpapakiss ka pa, and every now and then you'd say to me "I love you, Mama". But that's okay anak, tanggap ni Mama na lumalaki ka na, and I embrace all the changes in you, I accept everything about you -- less sweet, more shy, whatever-- and I would never ask you you to change anything. Just be go on and be whatever you want to be (huwag lang yung nakakasakit o nakakaperwisyo ng ibang tao, kasi iba na yun!).

Then this morning I was asleep and you woke me up. And to my surprise, out of the blue, you said, "I LOVE YOU". Groggy me was jolted awake by that, because it's been a long time since I heard that from you.  Ang sarap pakinggan, anak. Maybe you have heard my "I love you" to you last night after all, and that was your response.

Hindi ka man kasing-sweet at innocent ngayon nung babygirl version mo, nasa core mo pa rin ang pagiging loving and affectionate. And I see that at bedtime, when you would tell me "Mama pa-hug". I see that everytime you would ask me, "Mama ano'ng oras ka uuwi?" whenever I had to leave the house for work. And then this morning, that random "I love you" -- I'm just filled with so much love for you anak, I had to write about it here.

Ang bilis kasi ng mga taon. Super bilis. :-( 9 ka na ngayon, still a child, more innocent and unassuming than many kids your age (bata ka lang talaga--- napakasimpleng bata! and I'm proud!). Pero darating din ang time na magmamature ka na into being a tween, and all traces of that child-like innocence will be gone. Kaya sulit sulit din si Mama pag may time. I taught you chess, I introduced you to your first big girl book (Series of Unfortunate Events! You love Justice Strauss, naaawa ka sa kanya, sabi mo), today we will go to the park with your big girl bike and I will teach you how to ride it.  I love you in whatever shape form or version, pero minsan ka lang magiging bata. And these are precious days for me. Kaya habang bata ka pa, Mama will try to spend more time with you. Create more memories with you.

achievement unlocked...

...weight-wise. This morning I reached my initial target weight of 48 kgs. The last time I weighed 48 kilos was... I don't remember anymore. 2011, most probably. All thanks to 8 months of Keto.

Next target weight: 46 kilos/101.6 lbs. My highschool weight! Di na pwedeng bumaba dun, kasi underweight na yun. Magmumukha na kong lollipop! Hehe.  46 kilos, and a flat stomach! Para pag nagcrop shirt, hindi mako-conscious na lumabas ang bilbil sa tiyan!

How to achieve that flat stomach? I HATE exercise! I ABHOR crutches! So I just do intermittent fasting. 16 hours, to 18 hours. I've been doing it for a few days now. Next ko, 20 hours naman. So wish me luck. And btw, I'm in better health than I've ever been these past several years, I believe. I just had my physical exam, and heart is healthy. BMI is now normal. Sana pati bloodchem results ko, lumabas din na A-ok. Despite what many people believe, Keto is healthy, despite the high-fat component. Fasting is healthy, especially when it's over 20 hours. That's when autophagy--- cell-healing-- happens. And they say it gives people flat tummies. Hehe.

Ironic na nagrerestrict ako sa pagkain, pero yung kinakain ko ang sasarap. Keto is too good to be true. But it IS good. and it IS for real. It works for people like me.

Kaya sa mga doubters... no, di na po ako babalik sa dati. Masusustain ko 'to. Hopefully, for life.

God loves a cheerful giver...

...and that's one of my realizations for 2019. I should give more. Because I've been given a lot. And the only way to repay God for His kindness is by paying it forward.

And it doesn't have to be money. I can also give time, which is actually more valuable. Also knowledge, which doesn't really cost me anything, so I give it willingly to whomever asks for it. Effort, too. Sabi nila, kapag generous ka, hindi ka pababayaan. I believe that, but I want to give primarily out of gratitude for what I've been given. At dahil gusto kong maghanda para sa next life. Haha.

I grew up an only child, laging pinagbibigyan, sanay na solo ang lahat-- I was not raised as a selfless person. Kaya I try to consciously veer away from that upbringing.  At kahit only child din ang anak ko, I want her to grow up to be generous and selfless as well. So I try to teach by example. It's a work in progress. Because I don't recognize the opportunity to give all the time, but I really hope na makalakihan yon ng anak ko.

Bakit ko ba sinasabi ito? Wala lang. Baka lang makalimutan ko. Na nagsimula sa taong ito ang... well, in a way, spiritual journey ko. Nagbalik loob ako sa simbahan. I've gone back to mass every Sunday, primarily for my daughter. Teach by example. At pati husband ko, sumasama na rin. And I really appreciate that, kahit hindi sya ma-dasal na tao, I know he is doing it for Audrey.

It might be ritualistic for some, but going to church has its rewards for me. Well, it's a way of giving back to God-- 2 hours of your life every week is a small thing to ask, really-- but I like going to mass too dahil that's when I get advice. Kapag nagdadasal ako. Advice about life, direction, purpose, all that. I don't have the answers, I don't know everything even when it comes to me or where I'm supposed to be, kaya I turn to God. Walk by faith na lang.

I'm by no means a religious person. But I need a personal relationship with God. Itong buhay natin dito,  this is just a pitstop. The real life is the next life, and I want to go to heaven, and I want to be there with the people I love. Ayoko sa baba. Mainit dun. Hehe.

So wala lang. Naisip ko lang. I want to give whenever I can. Minsan, mahirap, sacrifice, pero iniisip ko lagi na dapat grateful ako. Dapat other-centered.  I don't have a lot of liquid money right now, kaya yun ang pinakamahirap ibigay madalas, but I just need to remember: God loves a cheerful giver. God is also a giver, and giving to others is my way of thanking Him.

Birthday Eve

And in less than 24 hours, I'm turning 39 :-D

Proud to say I'm 39! Kasi pwede pa akong pumasang 30 hehe. Konting papayat na lang, baka pwede pang 29. Chos.

My 38th year has been challenging. Emotionally, financially. Pero at least hindi nauuwi sa wala ang kinita these past 15 or so years. May binubunong property, at dahil doon I had to make drastic adjustments to my spending life. Pero nagtitiwala ako sa plano ng Diyos. Kaya ko 'to. Tutulungan nya akong kayanin ito.

There were heartbreaks. There were paradigm shifts. There were realizations, and learnings that came with those.  Career-wise, I'm just coasting along, doing what I've been doing for the past many years, but applying what I've learned from the past. I think the workplace is where I've learned a lot the most this year.

But despite all the not-so-happy things that happened this year, I choose to see that blessings. I don't always see them, so I need to constantly remind myself to do so. There are things that I still wish I had. Things that I wish I am. But I already have what really matters most. Family. Real friends. These people I love, and will probably love for the rest of my (hopefully, LONG) life. The comfort of a happy home, generous and supportive relatives and friends, my parents and my husband and daughter who are the constants in my life. I may still want so much more. But really, they're all I need.

But well, as far as new things go, the best new thing about my 38th year was.. Ketow. HAHA. Having lost more than 20 pounds, being at my lowest weight in YEARS. It's been more than 100 days, and I weighed in this morning at 51.7.  Target weight is 48, around 8 lbs away. And I'm still ketoing on and keeping calm! I WILL GET THERE!! By June, hopefully. Sana by end of April, 51 kgs na ako. At by May, 49 na. By June, 48 na, back to my DALAGA figure. Hehe.

Ang babaw mang pakinggan, but losing a lot of weight really helped me. Ketow is so sustainable for me. I can stay in this way of eating for life.  Hindi na ako takot sa sakit. I have more energy, rare na ang foggy-mind / walang gana days, kahit pagod ako minsan kaya ko pa magtrabaho, kahit walang gana magtrabaho. And the self-esteem. I feel so much better about myself. So much better!! Ayoko nang balikan yung mga mataba days ko!

So ayan. Nagpost lang ako because tomorrow's my birthday but truth is I just want to talk about ketow. BWAHAHA.

Thank You Lord. For everything. For the little blessings. For the learnings. For the constants in my life. I know You will take care of everything, I need not worry. I believe that whatever happens on my 39th year, it is Your will. Pray ko lang po Lord, mahabang buhay. Good health, for me and my loved ones.Yun lang po sana ang birthday wish ko. All else, I surrender to You.

work mode...

... dapat, at least. Deadline on Sunday, 60+ sequences. I really should start now. But strangely, I'm compelled to write here whenever I have a deadline. huhu.

Just to update this blog on my ketow journey. It's been 80 days, and scale says this morning that I'm 53.5 kgs. Malaki pa rin ang tiyan, pero marami nang nagsasabi na pumayat ako. Nakakainis ang malaking tiyan. huhu. IF dapat talaga, pero sa gabi ako nagugutom. Sa araw hindi ako kumakain, pero sa gabi, dapat one full meal na lang talaga, pero paano. Nagugutom ako sa gabi!

But KCKO. keep calm, ketow on. My new target weight is 48. My weight during my 20s. Dati I didn't think I could get back to that. Pero on ketow, it's possible. It might take time (1 kg every 2 weeks ang weight loss rate ko, most probably), but not impossible. 48 around 13 lbs away.

13 lbs! I'm overweight. Mahirap malagas yun. Those 13 lbs are around my torso mostly. Waist, hips, thighs. They say the fats around these parts are the hardest to lose. Isasama ko pa sana ang fat around the face, pero nagbago ang isip ko. These plumpers around my face make me look younger than my 38 1/2 years. Bwahaha. Detailed analysis itetch ng kakikayan. Sorry. But right now, my weight is the heaviest of my lightest concerns in life. Wag na tayong magdwell sa heavier concerns, dun na lang sa nakakapagpa-optimist in me.

13 lbs. I know I can do this. Today deadline, fasting ako til I can manage. They say the mind is at its most focused when your stomach is empty. So yesssss. I can do this. 15 sequences to write today.

My babygirl is Top 2 in her 3rd grade class. Congratulations my anak. You have no idea how much I miss you and I love you. I've been having meetings all week, I know, at daig mo pa nga ang tatay mo sa pag-iinterrogate sa akin sa tuwing aalis ako (saan ang meeting mo? anong oras ka uuwi? anong pagmimeetingan nyo?) but I love it that you're that way. I love it that you want to be with me. That you want to be around me, and spend time with me, and our evenings are Mama and babygirl time.  

14 sequences away from completion...

... and submission is tomorrow morning. Maybe 11AM. It's 8PM. I can do this. I CAN!!

I'm tired from a day-long field trip with our daughter and niece, but that's alright. I'm an owl anyway. And after this entry I will get back to work and start finishing those 14 sequences and before I know it, I'm DONE. Press SEND. Then.. freedom. For the moment!

See, it's better to be positive. Because positivity means you have FAITH. in yourself, in God most of all. You have faith that He is capable of even the impossible, and that He can answer and WILL answer your prayer for tonight.

My prayer for tonight, Lord... sana po, mameet ko ang deadline bukas ng umaga. Sana po, ganahan akong magsulat. Sana po, tulungan ninyo ako, bigyan nyo ako ng gasolina at disiplina, to sit down and just write and do my job. Please, Lord. Please grant my prayer. I know You can help me. I pray that You will.

Keto talk na naman. It's March 3, I just weighed in and scale says 54.7. Pero since it's going to be an all nighter and we never know if we will need an emergency addition of (low) carbs, baka bukas mag-50 kgs pa yan. Sana hindi. Sana bulletproof coffee lang ang kailanganin ko to last me through all night.

It's strange, the changes. strange but happy! Yung wedding ring ko na nasa fourth finger, maluwag na. Kaya nasa third finger na ngayon. And just this morning I noticed, yung shoes ko-- bakit parang medyo maluwag? Dati, sakto naman ang sukat.  Not just one pair, but 1 or 2 nung mga nakaraang araw. Then I realized-- OMG. Lumuwag nga sila. So that means.. MY FEET lost some fat. HAHA. Pati pala paa, nawawalan ng taba sa keto. Ang weird naman ng mga parte ng katawan na nawawalan ng taba-- daliri, paa. Hello, andaming taba dito sa tagiliran at tiyan o!

Last year nung field trip ng anak ko, cheat day because of boredom. Lahat na yata ng bawal nilamon ko (I was also on Keto at the time-- first attempt). Pero this year, YEHEY. I came in prepared. Cooked my own meals (3 of them, just in case). Ang daming carbs sa paligid ko-- fastfood, desserts, etc. Pero wala akong desire, not the least bit tempted!

At ang energy all day. Steady, babe! This was a good mood day. Kumain ako ng mga tamang pagkain at umuwi weighing 54.7, despite having eaten breakfast, lunch and evening snack.

All these they say are symptoms you are fat-adapted. Sana nga, tuloy tuloy na. So sabi nila, dapat magIF more. I naturally IF in the mornings and afternoons (well, fat-fasting kasi may MCT oil ang kape ko all day). So yeah maybe. IF na strikto starting tomorrow.

Konti na lang, nasa tamang timbang na ako. Konti, as in 10-15 lbs konti. May laki lang talaga ang tiyan, baywang at balakang. Pero kaya natin yan!!

BUT FOR NOW.. WRITE, BEEYATCH. WORK!!

Hello Week 7 (on Keetow)

And scale says, I've lost a total of 7 kilos (a little more than 15 lbs). Yey!

Pero syempre, chubby pa rin. A lot more to lose. At 55.9 kgs, 5 kilos away from target weight of 50 kilos. Ang hirap mag-lose ng 1 kilo. It takes a week. At the rate I'm going. Week 6 I only lost 1.2 kilos. That's normal, and relatively happy naman ako sa progress.  After all I'm barely into my second month.

I always remind myself of the toilet paper analogy. Toilet paper rolls just keep unraveling, you hardly notice them shrinking. But in time, they do shrink until there's no more toilet paper left. Syempre ayoko naman nung wala nang natira sa akin. Haha. But you get the idea. The body shrinks in time. It takes time. Because it didn't take me just a few weeks to gain all this fat.

Hopefully, by June, I'd have reached 50 kgs. I haven't taken weight loss this seriously in a LONG time, haha. But I'm happy with the keetow way of eating. I'm not as hungry as I used to (of course, may "tulong" ako from the appetite suppressant I'm taking, pero okay lang... in time siguro di ko na sya kakailanganin). I cook my own food, I make sure I don't go overboard with the calories and the carbs (pero estimation lang ang ginagawa ko. I don't weigh my food or compute my macros or anything like that). I usually fat-fast (drink high-fat coffee) until the late afternoon and eat only in the evening.

I can now fit into some old clothes. Yesterday I was at the mall and passed by these full-length mirrors. I've passed by these mirrors so many times in the past, but usually I'd get disgusted by what I'd see. I'd usually be reminded of how fat I am. :-( But yesterday, hindi ako nandiri. Nakita ko ang difference. Kaya ko nang sikmurain yung nakita kong reflection. But then narealize ko rin, malaki pa rin talaga ang midsection. Hehe.

Because of keetow research I've come to understand my body more. To burn fat you need to break them down first. How to break them down? They say the best way is to do intermittent fasting. So today I'm doing an intermittent fast til 4pm.

Sana lang talaga.. by June.. 50 kgs na. Target for Week 7 is a steady 55 kgs.  I haven't gone down the scale this low since 2015, I think. Grabe, 2015 is 4 years ago?!? Tumatanda tayo na di natin namamalayan.

Other perks- I think my skin is clearer. Yesterday lumabas ako without putting on any makeup. Not even foundation. Pero same effect as when I would put on foundation.

Normally din, I'd be too lazy to exercise. Pero may mga bursts of energy ako na feeling ko kaya kong mag-exercise in bursts and I'd be compelled to. Kahapon nga lang kulang ako sa tulog kaya mabigat ang katawan ko. Pero normally... hindi na ako nagki-cringe at the thought of moderate physical activity.

* * *  

So.. silence. I love peace and quiet. It allows me to gather my thoughts. And at times, I'm compelled to pray.  I'm scared of new things. I'm scared of failure, not being capable enough to give what is expected of me. Pero everything I'm scared of... dadaanin ko sa dasal. Lord, please calm my turbulent waters. I know if I surrender it all to You.. wala akong dapat ipag-alala.

There are two pending jobs that I'm actually worried about. Pero KAYA KO 'TO. KAKAYANIN. Kasi kailangan. I should believe in God more. Lord, tulungan Nyo akong magawa ang kailangan kong gawin, and meet (even exceed) their expectations.

Magagawa ko nang maganda ang dapat gawin for the raket.  Kung sakali mang mahirap, kakayanin ko. Makakaya ko.

At ang revision ng script for the weekly TV show, marerevise ko nang madulas at magaan. Kahit mahirap, kakayanin ko. Makakaya ko.

Lord, I surrender all these to You. I believe in You. With You helping me, there is NOTHING that I cannot do.

DAY 39 on Keetow (attempt 3)

... and I woke up today at 56.1 kgs.  Lowest I've been in 4 years, I think.
Pero uminom ako ng kape at tubig, biglang naging 56.5. haha. water weight is a bummer.

Nasusuot ko na ulit yung mga pambahay ko na dati masikip at di ako magkalakas loob ng isuot. Pero at 56.1, I'm still a long way from my target goal - at least 50 kgs.

eh dati nga nung late 20s ako, 48 kgs ako. Huhu. Tatanggapin ko nang malamang hindi na ako makabalik sa ganun kapayat, ever. Ayoko rin naman yung mukhang lollipop. Gusto ko lang na umalis sa pagiging "chubby".

so 50 kgs it is.

sabi nila after 6 weeks, posibleng maging fat-adapted ka na- meaning, your body has been conditioned to get its energy from fat (instead of carbs and sugar). so these past few days, napansin ko, steady ang physical energy ko even in the wee hours (my peak time- 11pm til dawn!), nag-eexercise ako during this time nang hindi nanlalata afterwards. at kahit mabagal pa rin akong magsulat, mas mahaba kesa dati ang stamina ko. hindi kasinghirap unlike when I'd force myself to write - parang may mga bakal na pabigat ang mga paa ko.

so Day 1 (weds) nakapagsulat ako ng 17 seqs (maiikli at action-oriented, but still). di na masama pero below quota ko na 20 seqs.
Day 2, (thu) nagpakapasaway ako! :-( mas kaunti pa dun.
Day 3 (kagabi), nakaabot hanggang gap 3-- pero pasaway pa rin.

at ngayon, supposedly deadline ko ng 10 am, pero dahil maraming adjustments sila na nirerequire.. eto ako.. (nagbablog!?) nasa gitna ng body 4 pero nakakasulat naman kahit wala ang puso. mahirap magsulat nang wala ang puso mo, kaya in fairness. keetow (and maybe the appetite suppressant) gets all the credit.

may dinner kami ng friends tomorrow evening kaya dapat, dapat dapat matapos ko 'to by tomorrow afternoon :-( LORD... bigyan nyo po ako ng gasolina at inspirasyon para matapos ang script.

last note-- at 56.1, may tiyan pa rin, may taba pa rin sa tagiliran. thunder thighs pa rin. but I'm getting there. wala pa akong 2 months on the diet.

in 3 weeks, sana, 54 kgs na ako.
in 6 months (june), sana, steady 50 kgs na ako.

DAHIL THROWBACK THURSDAY NAMAN- PUBLISHING THIS DRAFT from 2 years ago.

Joys and Lessons from 2017

Pessimist me would've rephrased it as "joys and pains", but 37 years on earth and I've come to realize that pain is given to us for a purpose. Most of the time, to teach us lessons. That's the kind of pain that is not unwelcome. Kung may blind spot ka about yourself at may kailangang matutunan, sometimes it takes pain to ram the lesson into your head. And heart. And very being.

But when it comes to pain I've had in 2017--- really, it would not be right to complain about it. I have much more to be thankful for, and I'm not BS-ing. Others have known greater pain, so it would not be right to make a big deal out of mine.

But I did have a few lessons learned. sometimes the semi-hard way. The stressful way. The emotionally grueling way.

But, let's start with the joys I've had in the year that just passed:

The blessings I've had for years now. Love. Family. Friends. Our daughter, Audrey. Sabi ko nga nung 2011, hindi ako magrereklamo kung status quo, basta pagdating sa pamilya ko, at sa mga taong mahal ko, walang magbabago. My marriage is not perfect (I don't know if anyone else's is! Define perfect?), but it's a steady, stable, content one. And I am so blessed and grateful to the Lord for a husband who may not be a passionate romantic, but a principled, faithful, steady kind of guy whom I know I need not be worried about. I am one of the lucky ones, I hope he does not change, Lord. If ever, only for the better. A little lambing would be a great add-on though. Haha.

Family. My mother. My father. My mother-in-law.  My in laws. The people in my family's life. Thank you Lord for them, who make our lives happier, easier, more harmonious. Para kaming nagbabahay-bahayan ng asawa ko sa totoo lang, with the full support of our Mommy A. Thank You Lord, for Mommy A. And thank You Lord, for my mother, whom I literally can't live without. Thank You Lord, for my husband's brother, who has lent us his house, this beautiful space that we are living in. So many things to be thankful for, since 2010. Sana po hindi sila magsawa.

Friends. By now I've come to realize who my true friends are. At this stage, it's hard for me to be emotionally committed to new people--  and I don't really label people anymore (maingat na ako sa label na "friend" ko sya-- because with that label comes commitment maybe, or because friendship, to me, has taken on a deeper meaning, and I haven't really come across a lot of people during my 30s that move me enough for me to give them that "friend" label.

Work. There have been more lessons than joys, truth be told. But the joys are, well, connected to the lessons. you get to appreciate what you have when you are taken out of the situation you've somehow taken for granted. So my joys this 2017 when it comes to work--- kind, considerate bosses. Harmonious working relationships. And yes, money. We work for money, I have always unabashedly admitted that. But fulfillment from work you can never really take out of the equation, otherwise hindi ka tatagal. So am I fulfilled at work this 2017? Not as much as I had been in 2015, but I have learned lessons, and that's something to be joyous about.

Add to that, discovering really good series online. Narcos. Orphan Black. Boring pakinggan, pero kasama ang panonood sa quest ko to want to be better at my job. Ain't I the luckiest gal? Watching series and movies as part of the job!  Tuloy lang ang pag-eevolve, somehow, as a writer, as a storyteller. Learning a few new tricks. Respecting story characters more. Going back to my instinctive storytelling desires (twists! unpredictable stuff! shock value!) and merging that with what I have already learned.

Little sources of thrill. Oh, Logan. You changed my 2017.

throwback thursday

May 2009:

i just want to say, thank you God.

for everything and nothing in particular.

for the work-free weekend ahead of me (knock on wood).

for work that i enjoy.

for sweet little inspirations.

for comfy real loves.

for the internet.

for those wonderful moments that i savor right after the work is done.

for my keanna.

for first vitaplus.

for my bed.

for the weather.

thank you po. i should always remember to tell you that.

February 2019:

same prayer, give or take some. (one-half lang ng weekend ang magiging work-free.. dapat one-half lang! kaya GOOO! di na ako nagva-vitaplus, at hindi na lang si keanna ang "anak" ko.

but for everything else, and more.. thank You God. kasi minsan, nakakalimutan kong magpasalamat. for the big and little things, for the constants in my life that sometimes I have come to take for granted.

Thank You. Thank You po!

one request po, Lord. Sana po matapos ko ang script kong more than 80 sequences by saturday morning. I'm barely in the 20th sequence. Lord, sana po bigyan nyo ako ng stamina, clarity of mind, bilis at focus. I'm tired of breaking promises, Lord, gusto ko nang magbago. sana Lord, just this once, maunahan ko ang work deadline ko. Please Lord.

hello diary

i miss talking to myself. :-D it's sad nights (or very early mornings) like this when all of a sudden i just want to drop by and write. for myself.

not that i'm complaining. about writing for others. that's how i earn, and i thank God. sometimes, though, i wish i'd have other sources of income. other skills that i can monetize. and get fulfillment from, at the same time. like directing, maybe. or whatever.

it was my TOTGA, that directing dream. and i used to be emotional about it, linking it to passion and emotion all that youthful stuff. but now i just think about money. i think about whether i have what it takes to actually make good money from it. all the directing stuff i've done in the past-- what little of it-- seem to belong to a different life. sobrang tagal na, hindi pa digital ang mga bagay bagay. sobrang tagal na, hindi ko alam kung may natitira pang skill sa katawan ko.

but it would be cool, though, to get paid for something i used to really, thoroughly enjoy doing. and directing was it. i can live without doing it, it's not something that i'd give an arm to be able to do, but earning good money from it would be, well, cool.

pero well. i chose a different path. and i may have so many reservations and uncertainties about my level of skill where writing is concerned, but after all these years of experience, imposibleng wala naman akong natutunang skill, kahit papano. this is the only thing that i know how to do, this well. even if i'm not sure if "well" is "good enough".

so the other day, lumabas ako sa bakuran ng mother network, at doon ko lang narealize yun. that this skill is one of those things that I can offer that people are actually interested in-- and would pay good money to get. oh well. too early to tell. i'm embarking on a new side project and we're only at the beginning, and i just want to be positive. i want to BELIEVE that i will be able to do the project well, and deliver the good and meet their expectations. HOPEFULLY.. even exceed them.

only then will i be able to say with certainty, i have something to offer that people would pay good money to get.

(so reading back, i realized that... where the enyagram personality test is concerned, i'm Type 3 and Type 4 combined. hindi ko lang alam kung ano ang mas nakakalamang.)

thankful. because last last sunday i prayed. for a windfall. for a blessing from God, in whatever shape or form. then out of the blue, this project came.  literally, out of the blue. literally, like from the hand of God. in writing parlance, we call it deus ex machina. At totoo sya. dahil walang pinanggalingan... yung planting, 4 years ago pa nangyari, and it's only now na nagpay off sya.

sana lang, this week, hindi muna nila ako bulabugin and require output from me. kasi may matinding deadline ako na kailangang mameet by saturday morning. and if i know what's good for me, i really should be reading now. bilang 3 AM na pero hindi pa ako inaantok, and the appetite suppressant i'm on giving me the blues.

yeah, i'm back to obsessively going on a diet and watching my weight. i've never really taken it this seriously, not in years. i'm on keetow again, for the third time, and since day 1 (january 3) i'd gone from 62.9 kgs to 57.1. 6 weeks in, more than 12 lbs. hindi na masama pero hindi rin bongga. kasi dalawang linggo na yata akong nagsostall.

and the appetite suppressant is helping me stick to the keetow diet. at dahil sobrang mahal nya, hindi ko sya pwedeng sayangin. kelangan, in 30 days, makalose ako ng significant amount of weight. i'm at the lowest weight i'd been in years (i started getting really, truly FAT around 2015) pero from 57.1 sana in 30 days mag-55 kilos naman ako. 54, if possible.

frugality. with everything else. frugality, and more discipline. that should keep me surviving.

oh, and it's our church wedding anniversary today. 5 years ago, i put on a gown and got married in front of the Lord. Thank You Lord. Praying for forever. For life. With my husband, my most significant other.

so what's the plan for the next few days?
- write
- finish the commissioned clay jewelry (yeah, it's become sort of a little side business kahit halos barya lang, I appreciate it! pangGrav na rin hehe)
- and if the peeps from the side project ask stuff from me, deliver them

really.. I need to read a script now to prepare writing finale week.

P.S.
These days, we've been spending more time with our pug, Osama. The kids love her. My babygirl loves her. And my babygirl is still my clingy, sweet loveable 8 year old. Sana hindi sya magbago.

My Audrey at 8

Lately, our little girl has taken a liking to story reading at bedtime. She would ask me to read her a story before she goes to bed. But tonight after 2 bedtime stories, I read her something else--- a few entries from this blog, way back in 2011 and 2012 when she was just a baby.

I read her things that I wrote about her. How I felt about her. What was going on with her back then, growing her first teeth, learning to crawl, etc. Nagulat ako nang makita ko, lumuluha na pala sya.

Haha. I'd like to think na na-touch sya sa mga narinig/nabasa nya about her, but I'm not sure though. Baka assuming lang si Mama :-) After all she did say na ayaw nyang maggrow up to be a teenager. Ayaw nyang maging tulad ng pinsan nya (who is now 14) na laging cellphone ang hawak. Haha.

I told her, ganun talaga, we can't be children forever. Lumalawak ang mundo ng mga bata as they grow up. Children grow up, adults grow old. At 8, she still has a good 3 or 4 years before she makes that tween transition (hay... malapit lapit na). When the time comes, she'd have changed her mind about growing up. Pero ako... kahit anong handa ko sa sarili ko... I don't know. I just want to enjoy and cherish these days, na close pa sya sa akin, na she's just an innocent happy child, na we can spend time together-- read stories together, play Jeopardy together... just be together.

Years from now, maybe she'd stumble upon this blog and read all about this moment. Na-touch ako sa pag-iyak mo, anak. gusto ko isipin na ramdam mo from what I'd read to you just how much Mama loves you. Kahit wala ako sa tabi mo, lagi kitang iniisip. At kahit wala na ako sa mundong ito, kahit magka-Alzheimers pa ako o maging ulyanin pa ako sa pagtanda ko, I will always love you. Kahit maggrow up ka pa at tumanda, in my heart you will always be my little girl.

These past few days you've been worried. About that recitation of yours in Science. Ilang beses mong sinasabi sa akin na ipag-pray kita kay Lord. Na sana pag tinawag ka, maalala mo lahat ng nireview natin. At hindi ka mapangunahan ng hiya. Well hindi mo sinabi lahat yan sa akin directly, but I know those are the things you're really afraid of. Kasi hindi ka naman ganyan ka-worried about your quarterly exams. Pero pagdating sa recitation, where you will have to speak in front of the class, you're so anxious. I get you, nak. Don't worry, you're ready and prepared. And I pray that God will guide you and give you courage to face what you fear and do what needs to be done.

Another thing to thank God for-- time for my daughter. These are ideal days, actually. Two shows-- a weekly and the soap in development pa. So I have time for my daughter. I have time for my husband, to make him coffee and cook for him during his work-at-home evenings.  Time for my parents, to visit them every now and then. And time for me as well--- me time. To relax and do the things I like doing. Thank You Lord for giving me time.

Glass Half-Full

May malaki akong iniisip, but then a moment came. Narealize ko, mas marami akong dapat ipagpasalamat kesa ikalungkot.

I worry about paying the monthly amortization for my lot investment.
I worry about that, on top of providing the monthly allowance of my parents.
I worry about getting to a point where I might have to take some from my other investments just to be able to pay the amortization-- something I DO NOT want to do. Because by doing that, it would be like starting again. Ang tagal na ng mga investments kong yon, taon na ang binilang. Ayoko hangga't maari na ilagay ang lahat ng mga itlog sa iisang basket.

I worry about money, mostly. Worry to the point that it would dampen my moments.

Pero sabi ni God, kung ang mga ibon nga nakakahanap ng paraan to survive. Kung ang mga ibon nga hindi Nya pinapabayaan, tao pa kaya.

So I lift this problem up to the Lord now. Lord, Kayo na po ang bahala sa akin. I've hoped for so many things, spent months waiting, only to be disappointed. Pagod na akong umasa na may bibili sa lupa. Pero umaasa po ako sa Inyo. Na tutulungan nyo akong kayanin. Nang hindi magagalaw yung ibang investments.

I resent things, like my brother not having a job at age 23. I resent it that he can't help me, financially, at a time like this. I resent it, kasi matanda na sya, pero hanggang ngayon ako pa ring mag-isa ang tumutulong sa parents namin. Shouldn't he be working? Can't he see I need help?

So I pray to God. Please Lord, give my brother the courage and the initiative. To find a job. I know he has his problems. But our family needs the both of us. I need him now to help me. Please help him find a job para kahit papano, makatulong sya sa monthly expenses.

I worry. I feel bad. Pero grateful ako. Because my parents are alive and well and still with us. Because I have a happy family, with my husband and daughter. Because we are supported by my kind and generous in-laws. So much to thank God for. More things to be grateful for.  Pera lang ang problema. Sosolusyunan yan ng Diyos.

Mabenta ko lang ang lupa, okay na okay na ako. Lord, ayoko na pong umasa.. ipinauubaya ko na lang po sa inyo.