mulling on 2008, survey-style

stole this from jaz.

1) BUDDY OF THE YEAR?
- penguin, beatlebum, waterfowl, osobear


2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend)
- sappho, highschool bespren na nandito pa rin hanggang ngayon! knock on wood!


3) NEWCOMER AWARD - COOLEST NEWEST FRIEND?
- mean girl #1. i love you, kahit uber-dalang tayong nagkikita


3) HIGHEST POINT OF THE YEAR?
- march-april


4) LOWEST POINT OF THE YEAR?
- august-mid-october


5) BEST HOLIDAY?
- happy new year!


6) YOUR SONG FOR 2008?
- "stolen" by dashboard confessional; "all because of you" by ne-yo

7) Best movie FOR 2008?
- naku marami.ang hirap mag-isip ngayon.


8) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH AND WHERE?
- with osobear, at TGIFriday's

9) WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN?
- same old tianak

10) RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR?
- erm...kfc! haha

11) KISS OF THE YEAR?
- osobear

12) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR?
- wala kong maalala e. only the bad decisions stand out right now. haha nega. deciding to change a career direction, probably, though di ko pa alam kung magiging truly good decision sya in the long run. i am positive, though. i believe!

13) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR?
- save up. become a writer and get rich from it.

14) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK?
- ranting on what could never be undone


15) TV SHOW OF THE YEAR?
- wala.


16) MOST LOYAL FRIEND(s)?
- haha many-to-mention!


17) HEARTBREAKER OF THE YEAR?
- ahaha. heartbreak of the non-romantic kind.

18) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR?
- changes in goals and priorities

19) NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION?
- STOP SMOKING, dangit!

2009!

i'm excited about the coming new year. god-willing, everything will all fall harmoniously, beautifully into place.

happy surprises. wonderful luck. blessings, blessings. fulfilled wishes. answered prayers. continued good health, good relationships, and good intentions for everyone.

let's all have a wonderful new year! awu-awoo!

that voice can resurrect the dead

and that's dangerous, to a certain extent.

he shouldn't sing that well. he makes the girls (and boys) fall in love, and the girls (and boys) who used to be in love feel like falling for him again.

nung narinig ko sya uling kumanta through my earphones in that smooth boyishly sweet voice--yung kantang kinarir, na may matinong mic at amplifiers, with matching piano-playing pa--para kong hinigop uli ng panahong yon, three years ago, when hearing him sing on a cheap videoke microphone alone would be enough to turn me into mush; to make me implode, disintegrate, and resurrect all in a span of a moment--or at least until he finishes the song.

and then for a moment,i thought that something had somehow been resurrected. warm feelings, familiar, though not as powerful as before, not as cripplingly intense. the voice was the culprit. parang naging stimulus sya na na-pickup ng utak ko. he never sang this well in our videoke sessions. videoke never gives him any justice.

chanced upon him on ym. instinctively i wanted to tell him, parang may crush na ko uli sa yo--jokingly, of course, but i was afraid he'd think i'm serious and be off-ed. i told him instead, you should get a singing career started. in turn he said, yea, and then i will have to hide my sexuality when i become a star. that made me chuckle. it's funny, and de-romanticizes the whole thing as well.

not long after that remark i felt the newly revived "crush" fading. oh-so-soon! haha. his voice can resurrect the dead, but a dint of reality is all it would take for it to die again. i'm GREATLY relieved for that.

still, kahit ano pa man, may mga bagay na mamamatay pero may iiwan pa rin sa yo. fg will always be regarded with fondness. i will always consider him a friend, kahit pa siguro sa mga mata nya eh hindi naman kami ganon ka-close.

syempre, si osobear, tatawa lang pag kinwento ko sa kanya ang mga bagay nayto. haha!

reality doesn't only bite.

it sucks. sometimes.
lately, often. some aspects of it.
still, i thank god for other aspects that neither suck nor bite in the figurative sense.

***

i really should imitate a friend.
i should live less in reality and daydream more. for all i know, it could save me from insomnia.

***

without dreams, like is reduced to a mere physical existence. a pseudoexistence.
which i thought my life had been, three years ago. man!
that was nuthin.
at least i knew what i wanted and didn't have to think much of anything else besides getting it.

less reality, more dreams. that's what i need.

***

i used to do some of that in high school. to escape from chemical formulas and sines/cosines/tangents. right there, in class, and the teachers would only probably see that blank look in my eyes. i was always criticized for being "lutang" then. parang wala sa sarili. siguro nga mas masarap talagang mawala sa sarili at malunod sa mga masasayang alternate scenarios. di pa ko marunong magyosi non kaya daydreaming na lang ang coping mechanism ko.

***

i really want to sleep now. di mo mababawi ang tulog mo sa gabi kahit matulog ka buong araw. it still shows in your skin and your eyes. hah, vain. i realized na wala akong ibang bagay na mawi-wish sa pasko kundi mga bagay na hindi ko magagawang hilingin sa ibang tao, at mga bagay na hindi maibabalot sa christmas wrapper para ibigay ng ibang tao sa kin.

holidays are here again

i've been having not-so-happy holidays these past two years. except for the happy reality of the Oso, there hasn't been much to go ga-ga over. last year, this year. same difference.

last year i spent christmas rushing to prepare for a school project. had i known that that school project would eventually become the death of back-to-school me, i wouldn't have bothered. i would have quit right then and spared myself the trouble.

ok, that was a bluff. truth is, had i known, i would've taken extra precautionary measures for that fateful december 27 day. and then maybe things would be a whole lot different now. i'd still be in the program and wearing a my-future's-so-bright-gudda-wear-shades kinda smile.

owel, joyeux noel.

tomorrow - my college friend who just got off the ship. we're supposed to meet at the lantern parade in up.
thursday - friend/former classmate beatlebum's videoke birthday bash. lookin to see the frog princess again (sana di kasama yung boypren. hah joke)
friday - street party somewhere in south triangle

when i was 18 i wrote an essay about how boring christmas had been that year. i called it "christmas ho-hum". had i known back then that i ain't seen nothin yet where boring christmases are concerned, i would've reserved the not-so-witty title for the future.

i hope it gets better. i pray it gets better. after all, there are things to thank god for. that alone should be something to be happy about.

4:06 am. hay.
sumo-sonia na naman ako.
sana paggising ko mamaya, happy ako. :-)

dreams of an insomniac

it's 5:25 am. just about to kiss the world goodnight.
hindi ko maramdaman ang pasko. pero alam ko, babawi sa kin ang enero.
ang buong 2009, for that matter.

* * *

awake, i dream of europe.
paris,
the seine,
the french countryside,
the anchor-milk black-on-white cows,
the brick-covered streets,
the sumptuous buffet breakfasts,
the kissing lovers on a pedestrian lane,
the filthy-rich filthy-lit filthy-glamorous champs elysees,
the postcard-perfect grebes on ponds,
the postcard-perfect flowerbeds,
the postcard-perfect spires and facades,
that famous paris museum--what's it called? the louvre!,
the freezing cold nights and freezing cold mornings,
the subway trains and their killer sliding doors,
the handsome beggars and their bagpipes,
the sacre couer the sex shops the dingy boarding-house-type hostels,
the eiffel tower from afar,
the first fine-dining resto i'd ever been to on that side of the world,
the indian national who'd taken me there,
the two cute turks in that cobblestone alley,
the musk-smelling theaters,
the lights, the language, the freaking good food, the feel of the foreign wind on my bare face, the snow that i never saw, the airport na nakalimutan ko na ang itsura, the first photo that i ever took on my first morning in gloomy january (brown spires and rooftops, skeletons of trees), and i can go on and on and on and FRIGGIN on.

strangely, 60% of the time, i had wanted to go home.

* * *

i could go anywhere, ANYWHERE in the world, if i choose to. but it would require me to board a ship and stay there for years. it would require me to take on a job and slave away and be away for a while. in exchange, i'd see the world. i'd post pics on facebook and friendster and here of this and that city and country, of tanned me wearing a bikini and a pearly-white grin. i'd call my parents and hear their happy voices, and know that they had just gotten what i'd sent them. i'd go home every now and then with hard-earned money and live like a queen til the next ship sails.

that's one way. and there's another way.
that other way, the way i had gotten that free european trip before. that's harder. at least, the way i see it now.

maybe not as hard as i think. surely. i believe. i know.
i will be back to that place. and i don't have to work on ship just to be able to do so.

soon. someday. within this lifetime.

* * *

i dream of a car, too. a car of which the driver is me. cruising along paved pretty roads on a sunday afternoon, with happy ne-yo crooning on the car stereo.
and me, looking spiffy in corporate dress. looking rich. being rich.

an HD tv.
fine dining. anywhere, anytime, like how i would go kfc-ing now.
properties, everywhere.
a new laptop.
my own house.
everything that i want that i don't have now.
moolah, for life.
and the occasional trip to anywhere in the world.

* * *

back to reality.
i hate having to back out of a commitment. telling them is the hardest part. pano ko sasabihin. pano kung magalit. may rason silang magalit, if ever. or madala. for the very fact na um-oo na ko, tapos biglang ayoko na.

baka low eq lang to.
pero hindi ako excited, at malamang kakain sya ng oras ko.
ang tamad tamad ko na ngayon.

* * *

i can't get enough of seeing her.
she's one of the loveliest things about being home.
siguro ganito ang pakiramdam pag may anak ka. makita mo lang, natutuwa ka na.

natutuwa ako sa kulay nya.
she reminds me of ice cream.
she's part chocolate, part mocha, part vanilla.

i really want to find a perfect mate for her.
a persian, or a siamese, or kahit tabby na rin pwede na.
basta WAG-LANG-PUSAKAL.
no offense. i'm planning to sell my grandchildren.

haha!

* * *

6 am. sunrise?
really kissing the world goodnight now.

crazy-beautiful

when you feel like you've got nothing to lose, you're more predisposed towards doing something "crazy".

"crazy", meaning something that you're not likely to do on your "normal" mode. like going on an unplanned adventure with only P100 on you. or trying out a different shade of eyeshadow for all the world to see. or randomly emailing your resume for a corporate job.

and when you've done such things, things that are new, things that are Not In The So-Called Plan, you find yourself being shaken out of your stupor. you feel good. a liberating kind of good.

now i have memories of surviving marikina riverbanks on P100. and realized that brown eyeshadow doesn't look too bad on my eyes. and suddenly, i have a job interview on monday.

see, all these are not in the plan. but doing them just for the sake of doing them--right there, right then, for no other primary goal besides SHAKING myself out of this gawddang stupor--somehow injected a dint of life into me again.

i feel wonderful, crazy-beautiful.

marikina night

sometimes i get inspired to write about something, but before i get around to finishing it, the inspiration is gone. sad, cause i would've wanted to write about these things:

* my uncle's wake and funeral
* alternate lives
* the funny incidence of keanna's waterbath and sunbath

but, since the inspiration has left me, i'm going to write about something else now.
this happened last night, so while the memory is still fresh, might as well.

osobear and i had a marikina trek. went to sm marikina for dinner and the movies. saw quarantine (surprisingly, it wasn't the B-movie horro-thriller that i had thought it would be. go watch it). and since the night was young, we went to the city's (in)famous riverbanks for a little pre-christmas come-what-may adventure.

i have always loved any kind of natural body of water, no matter how murky, so long as the DENR still classifies it as "alive"--which the marikina river is, unlike its pasig counterpart. i love natural bodies of water, especially at night--freud, have a blast reading into this--and that's one of the reasons why i thought going to the riverbanks would be fun.

there were tiangges everywhere, of course. pasko na kasi.
there was an old-style perya. osobear is a sucker for thrill rides, so kahit caterpillar, sinakyan namin. kahit nga horror ride, pinatulan namin. haha. that was a scream fest for typical-girl me (haha). he wanted to ferris wheel but i absolutely did not trust the bolts and nuts holding the damn thing together, and after a while he, too, decided that we'd better not.

so we trooped to the bumper car booth and that was fun, driving my own "car"--but not when osobear keeps bumping his car into mine (kahit na laruan lang yung kotse, hello, masakit pa rin kaya yung impact). syempre di naman ako makaangal dahil may point naman sya when he said, "kaya nga tinawag na 'bump car', dahil yun ang fun part--makipagbanggaan". hah. boys.

after the bump car i really really wanted to ride the little pedal boats that they're renting along the river. something that, i sensed, osobear didn't seem all that excited with. he's scared of the river. he doesn't trust it, just as i don't trust the bolts and nuts on the ferris wheel. and that's one of the very few things that he's scared of, and i jumped at the chance to rib him about it. ha-ha, takot!

after a brief round in the tiangges we finally made it to the pedal boat station, only to see it already closed. damn. it's osobear's fault. he had stalled us on purpose! so, instead of going pedal-boating, we decided to ride the river ferry instead.

which was one of the nicest points of our marikina trek.
i don't get to ride a banca everyday, kaya excited din ako. the ferry is supposed to take us from the riverbanks to the riverpark, the other part of the river near the marikina bridge (marami ding tiangges and bars don). the trip only cost us P10 per person, and the trip was a balm for the senses. the breeze was so cold and the lights along the riverbank were just dang gorgeous. and the trip was a full 15 minutes, too. sulit na sulit ang P10.

we arrived at the riverpark to see lines and lines of food stalls and peryahan stalls (there was even a "Frog Boy" stall for only P20 per head to ogle and marvel at. the frog boy, the karatula claims, could sing and dance for you as well). we decided to have none of any and trooped to the first establishment selling beer for a couple of san mig lites.

unluckily for us, the first establishment we chanced upon was dingy as dingy could bearably be. a videoke bar, musty, and the clientele mostly consisted of tatay-type blue-collar men (either with friends or their, um, girlfriends), pero we figured, might as well pagtiyagaan na rin. i was glad to have osobear with me dahil feeling ko maraming pwedeng mambastos sa mga ganitong lugar. at the next table there was an old dude who had passed out in drunken stupor. funny thing was, no one cared, not the waitresses (in pekpek shorts! haha) nor the other customers (na malamang habitues na sa bar na yon).

i wasn't off-ed by the whole thing, i was amused. so long as kasama ko naman si oso. we ordered four beers and a tuna sisig. when the tuna sisig was served, we quipped, "malamang century tuna lang to na ginawang sisig". but surprisingly, the sisig was very good. so good, in fact, that i had wanted to order a 2nd (but decided
against it, kasi P150 din ang isang order). galing. good food sometimes comes from the least expected places.

i remember a couple of marikina treks that i'd had, with other people. like with friends penguin, beatle, and choclit luver back in 2007. same type of dingy videoke bar, but lotsa fun. i remember my "date" with a guy friend at the pedal boats. the pedal boats were lotsa fun, even if the company wasn't spectacular (kaya naisip ko, baka mas enjoyable kung si osobear ang kasama ko).

hay. wala lang. gusto ko lang ikwento, dahil hindi araw-araw nakakapagadventure ako ng ganito. walang underlying theme ang entry na to, walang maiko-connect sa current state of life. minsan lang kasi, masarap mabuhay nang walang care, walang iniisip. pag kasama ko si osobear, iniiwan ko na lang ang lahat ng worries ko sa bahay para ma-maintain ko ang pagiging masayahin. being with oso is a respite from everything else that makes me unhappy.

pero sigurado ako, pag pumunta naman kami ng enchanted o star city, pipilitin na naman nya kong sumakay sa mga halukay-bituka rides--something that i LOATHE to the highest level. hay. yun lang ang hindi masaya don, when you're compelled to do something that SCARES you. you suddenly become the puny girl in distress. i HATE being the puny girl in distress!

chicken

want out. no like. forget. turn away.
self-preservation. survival mechanism. cowardice.
sometimes it's easier to think the grapes are sour. it's easier to just DROP it. so much easier than facing ugly things and tackling them.

bad habit. i know.
but fuck it, so what. matigas ang ulo ko e.

* * *

there are days that you want to forget and memories that you want to just turn away from. careers that you don't want to pursue anymore, and people you don't want to see anymore for the rest of your present life. there are days when you just want to sleep your life away and wonder if you will ever be in so-called "fighting form" again. you wish you had the fire of the 19-year-old back then. you wish you weren't feeling so gawdang old.

too tired, too tired. it's your favorite expression. but "tired" is probably not what it's really called. you just lost it, period. you've become a wallflower. a mediocre simpleton who's content on settling in her little corner of the universe. a non-entity who's just passing through.

too tired to fight. too tired to be positive. too tired to face ugly things and turn them into "pointers" for the future.

maybe this is just a bad day. so i'm gonna sleep on it.
but i just realized that i'm that way when it comes to stuff like that. i bail. in that sense, i'm a big fat CHICKEN. big time.

excited

on the way home last night na-realize ko na parang ang patay-patay ko nang tao. hindi na ko madaling ma-excite sa maraming bagay. parang lagi akong pagod at kulang sa drive. kaya napaisip tuloy ako, kung hindi na ko nae-excite sa maraming bagay, ano ba yung mga iilang bagay na nae-excite ako pag naiisip ko?

eto ang random list ko:

* eating kiwifruit. ito na ang favorite fruit ko sa ngayon.
* going to a place out of town na hindi ko pa napuntahan, or

* going to a lovely beach on a beautiful sunny day
* moolah. lots of moolah.
* the prospect of directing again. ang getting moolah for it.
* making a good film. kahit walang moolah for me.

* winning in the flash game "Hotdog Bush"
* receiving a spontaneous kiss/hug from o.b.
* a glorious exciting repeat of 2003's halloween trek
* a trip out of the country
* an uber-sumptuous meal with o.b.

* waking up to see keanna cuddling herself beside me
* watching a really really good film

actually yung iba dito parang wishes lang. na pag nangyari, alam kong mae-excite ako, at isipin ko pa lang na mangyari, nae-excite na ko. kaso bago mangyari yung iba marami pang kelangang trabahuhin or, kung hindi sa kin naka-depende ang pagsasakatuparan nila, swerte na lang talaga kung ngingitian ako ng langit (read: almost on the "fantasy" level).

so kung pipiliin kong mabuti yung mga bagay na meron ako ngayon na nakakapagpa-excite sa kin, ang konti masyado. halos wala. kaso gusto ko nang bumalik sa dating excited, enthusiastic-about-life self ko. i hope this emotional slump passes.

note. isang super-exciting na bagay na nangyari ever sa kin: na-in love ako for the first time, sa isang taong in love din sa kin. actually exciting pa rin naman kahit hindi in love sa kin yung tao. haha! (flashback to: the Direk of the Landslide Movie in 2006) iba yung kilig when something is blooming. feeling ko sumasabay din ako sa pagbu-bloom ng lahat.

ngayon, parang slow steady fire na sya, hindi na isang bumubulusok/pabugso-bugsong klase ng apoy, unlike nung bago. isang constant na sa buhay mo, mahal na mahal mo, pero nag-mellow na yung giddyness factor. which is not a bad thing, actually. kasi yung excitement na ganun, hindi naman talaga magtatagal. at pag nawala yon, dun mo na mapapatunayan kung mahal mo ba talaga yung tao o na-infatuate/na-excite ka lang.

ngayon, pagdating sa oso, masaya naman lahat. kahit jokes na corny, pang-aasar na walang tigil, dinners na panira ng diet, etcetera. hindi uber-exciting, pero masaya. it doesn't take your breath away but it keeps you breathing. kaya kahit anong mangyari sa ibang aspeto ng buhay mo, keri lang. basta andun yung comfy kind of love, you keep going.

pero gusto kong maging excited uli. sa life, in general.

nostalgia is for the aged and ageing...

...at para sa mga taong delayed ang appreciation sa mga bagay-bagay, tulad ko. hehe.

usually hindi ko alam kung alin sa mga nangyayari sa present ang tatatak enough para maging golden memories sa future, kaya guessing game na rin sya. na malalaman lang ang kasagutan pag nasa future na ko, and in my moments of lull/dreariness biglang magfa-flood in ang isang tipak ng alaala ng isang experience from the past.

tulad ng cebu adventure ko 2004 habang ginagawa ang isang pelikula. back then it was nothing to me--nangitim kami ng sobra sa init ng araw, halos walang tulog sa pag-aapura na matapos ang pelikula at nangangapa pa ko nun sa bagong trabaho na sinabak ko bilang scriptcon--pero looking back now, isa sya sa best memories ko of 2004. i love new places, and it was my first time in cebu. i love adventure, at adventure talaga sya for little girl me back then. and at that time, bagong bago pa ang perspective ko sa trabaho ko. buhay na buhay pa ang mga pangarap, fuelled by a passion na hahamakin ang lahat, titiisin ang kahit ano, lulunukin ang pride, all in the name of the dream.

there are only two causes of rue. first, i wish i had known more about being a scriptcon back then. baka mas marami pa kong nai-contribute sa production. mas natulungan ko pa ang AD (bago pa rin sya nun) sa floor work (that same AD nga pala was the subject of my hapless gay-loving fantasies three years ago--ebidensya ang mga previous entries dito). second, i wish i had taken the ship going home instead of the plane. ang saya daw ng biyahe sa barko pabalik. tsk. kaso i was so homesick gusto ko nang makauwi agad. low EQ talaga!

at that time it was nothing. i wonder kung ano ang mga mistulang nothing lang ngayon na magiging golden naman ang memory sa future.

minsan naiisip ko kaya nagiging golden ang memory ng isang period sa buhay ko dahil may something sa period na yon na wala na ngayon. i suppose sa cebu adventure maraming bagay ang wala, pero stand out yung mga pangarap. kasi nang lumaon, naging trabaho na lang ang pagi-scriptcon sa kin. nawala na yung greater end which is matuto from the directors i'm working with. sumasara na pala ang utak ko nang kusa, parang maraming nagka-clog na kung ano, habang tumatagal. nagiging automaton, lalo na pag puyat at pagod, at dadating ka sa point na iisipin mo kung masaya ka pa ba, kung worth it ba, kung bat ka andito, kung ano ang ayaw mo at gusto mo, kung ano na ang priorities mo at present, etc.

i long for the old fire. not for the same particular dream or this same job per se. but passion in general, for whatever i'm doing now and will be doing in the future.

parang stuffed nose na ang self ko. it needs decongesting. kasi wala nang lumalabas at wala na ding pumapasok.

* * *

isang gabing maulan sa ilang, natigil ang shoot. naka-hang mode ako habang pinapanood ang mga patak ng ulan sa putikan (haha). pinag-iisipan ko ang wise words of advice ng isang kaibigan sa akin a few hours earlier. sabi nya, if you want something, mag-effort ka para ipakita sa kanila na kaya mo, kahit hindi yon ang trabaho mo, strictly speaking. may point sya, pero siguro nawalan na lang talaga ko ng drive. ang akin na lang ngayon, pag ito ang trabaho ko, ito ang aalagaan ko. hindi na ko magpapabiba para sa iba pang D&R.

nakakapagod na kasi. di ko talent ang multi-tasking.

something tells me hindi progresibo ang pag-iisip na ganto. 20-year-old "i-have-to-win" me would've responded differently. e ang tigas na ng ulo ko. i know it's the way to go. i just don't want to do it now.

so i suppose hindi ko sya ganon kagusto, o hindi ko na sya ganon kagusto, kung hindi na ko nage-effort sa kanya.

* * *

napanood ko na sya, finally. kagabi. at naluha ako sa ilang parte. at nagitla. dahil matino pala syang lumabas. at hindi halata sa storytelling na walang buong script ang pelikula while we were shooting it. may continuity ang flow from sequence to sequence. in fairness to direk. may pagka-brillo naman pala talaga, kahit madugo ang proseso.

but still. madugo pa rin e.

nung isang araw tinanong ako ng line producer kung pwede daw akong magscriptcon sa pelikulang ishushoot ng same direk by end of november. may conflict po sa sked ko e, sabi ko sa lp. ang totoo, bukod pa sa conflict sa sked, isipin ko pa lang na uulit ako sa kanya, napapagod na ko. isipin ko pa lang na may sequel din ang pagluha ko ng dugo from our last project, nadedepress na ko. wag na muna.

* * *

kahapon naki-brainstorm uli ako. medyo kinakalawang na ang right brain, pero na-enjoy ko. nakakabuhay palang bumalik sa ganong mode.

flashback to:

2005. brainstorms with beatlebum, frog princess, and floda for the kiligshow. cheapsteaks, IO, and especially for you. that was fun, and that time masyado akong busy sa funny-sad subplot ng real life to realize how fun everything else was. ha!ha!

fast forward to:

2006. da big haus. the money was fun. and the work would've eventually become fun, too, probably, somehow, if i had stayed. i was miserable back then but looking back now, i'll always remember that racket. blowing out smoke in the balcony, stressing out in the control room, stressing out in the spotting room. working alongside osobear, cringing at his corny hirits. haha. he was so corny i couldn't help but laugh.

i want to work with osobear again. di ko lang alam kung pano mangyayari yon. i wonder if things will be different this time. baka sabihan lang nya ko na mababa ang EQ ko, like how he always does. ha!ha!

is that what you call this?

Stumbled upon this on the web.

http://galadarling.com/article/how-to-cope-with-a-quarter-life-crisis

"Most people who are going through this ugly process are aware that there is something wrong, but are you just feeling generally miserable or is it a quarter-life crisis?

What are the signs or symptoms? Commonly, they are…

*Feeling like you’re not doing well enough
*Frustration & disillusionment with the working world
*Feeling insecure about what you’re doing, where you’re going & what your plans are
*Anxiety over close relationships
*Feeling extremely bored with your social life (otherwise known as, “Oh my god, I will throw myself out the window if I have to go to another party at her house”)
*Nostalgia for teenage years, high school or university (this often manifests itself as an obsession with looking at old photographs or reading journals & reminiscing)
*Feeling a desperate need to “settle down” — like buy a house, get married or have a baby
*...Or conversely, wanting to “escape” the real world — like backpacking around the world or finding a nice cave to live in
*Financial stress or confusion
*Intense loneliness
*Feeling that everyone is doing better than you
*Terror at the concept of getting “old”
*Wondering “Is that all there is?”
*A vague feeling of apathy, mixed with horror, panic & depression

Of course, feeling some of these things occasionally is pretty much par for the course, & not necessarily indicative that you’re going through a quarter-life crisis! However, if all these things (or the majority of them) seem to have hit you at once, this can be quite terrifying — especially if it happens to coincide with your birthday or other milestone.

...There are two deciding factors which separate the two groups. Since they both deserve a lot of attention, I’ve split this article into two parts — the second of which is coming tomorrow.

The first catalyst for a quarter-life crisis is a lack of meaningful work.

So, the idea that your work or career (or lack of one) could be contributing to your feelings of anxiety is probably a bit of a drag to some of you — especially those of you who are in denial about how happy your work makes you. By now, we all know (I’m sure) that working just to eke out a living is not the path to eternal bliss. The people who seem happiest & most fulfilled are always those who do something that turns their crank. I know that sounds like a bit of a heavy trip, especially if you don’t feel like you’re part of that camp. Believe me, I’ve been there, & I know from personal experience that there is nothing worse than working in a job you dislike. I think the place where a lot of us stumble is that we think the work we do — or the career we enter — has to be life-changing, ground-shaking, life-shattering. It doesn’t. It doesn’t at all.

When I say “meaningful work”, my definition is that it has to be meaningful to you — & only you. As much as we would all like to change the planet, that isn’t necessary to feel good or fulfilled. My idea of something “meaningful” is pretty simple: do something that has value to you"

and i thought naghihinarte lang ako. umi-emo. for months now.
i suppose it's normal. abnormally normal, and it goes with the age bracket. dahil marami sa mga naka-bullet points above, swak. ganun pala ka-clinical. nabu-bullet point.

meaningful work daw. ano ba ang meaningful sa kin?
i'm lost.

at least i'm glad. it's not just me.

i think of something and i find myself cursing..

..aloud. involuntarily. and as soon as the foul words leave my mouth i want to hit myself. for being such a wound. snarling pus and blood, from memories that will soon fade away in the sands.

i haven't been like this in a while. that's what happens when you bottle it up inside, every single day, for two straight months.

the other day i dreamed of someone, and woke up grumpy. i was testy all day. i hated it.

two more weeks, or less, or a little bit more, i'll be over this. because life is happy. because it's over, and the memories will soon stop haunting me.

* * *

life is happy, because i can have peaceful days at home, get to sleep more, surf the net and play online games to my heart's content, have longer baths, share meals with my family morning noon and night, have longer dates with osobear, watch movies any old time i want, be a more present entity to my little girl keanna, have time to sit down and think and ponder and wonder over the state of things and this life, hope and pray for brighter tomorrows.

life these days is happy, much much happier than two weeks ago. i should be thankful, and shouldn't let ugly ghosts from the recent past ruin it for me.

pero last ko na 'to.
p******a talaga!

back to normal, halloween ho-hum, and a hahaha

the memory is still fresh, and so i can't be objective.
my senses are assaulted by it everywhere, nearly everytime these days. i hear about it, i get messages about it, and i can only feign lividness and joy, an i'm-happy-and-proud stock response, but in truth i just want to bury it and everything associated with it in my baul of uncherished memories, just want to friggin FORGET everything about it for now.

in this case, at this point, memories ruin my mood. anytime, anywhere.

and so sana, matapos na ang next two weeks na ito ng pagra-rant ng mga tao, ng magpapaalala ng nakaraang 9 weeks sa buhay ko, dahil taena, gusto ko nang maging Little Miss Sunshine for the rest of my life, at hindi ko magawa-gawa, hangga't.

yea, i'm emo. and memories stick like kulangots on dry wood, as far as i'm concerned. but a year or less and i'll forget everything.

* * *

on a sunshiney note, i'm happy. for the rest, finally. and the chance to detox, physically and emotionally.

at. sana may bonus.

* * *

three days ago i was planning on writing something ugh-inspiring. a spur-of-the-moment feeling na gusto ko sanang i-immortalize, which is, hello. buti na lang. because those things come and go faster than you could blog about them.

back to normal, back to sanity.

* * *

on a happy, lucky day, this happens to you. you walk from 15th floor down to the "cafeteria" for lunch and you meet nearly half a dozen old friends and colleagues on one trip. that happened to me yesterday. passed by a headwriter friend, a writer friend, a director from the ole days, and a former classmate from the ole school. and nearly everyone had brought promising tidings to clueless old me. little girl who don't know which way is the candy store (and don't know if she wants candy, at all). i nod and open myself up, for these are strange interesting times, all avenues are for exploring for the dudette who has yet to figure out which way is meant for the likes of her. kaya pray na lang ako kay god, dahil sya ang mas makakaalam.

where the tide takes me. and this time i really mean it.

* * *

halloween ho-hum.
sana lang me party, like in previous years, kaso nawipe out ko na ang budget ko for this week in the last three days that passed.

bad trip.
i hate spending halloween at home.
pero masaya pa rin, kasi i get to rest.
and curl up in bed reading ian rosales casocot.
a friend of mine knows this dude.
i wonder what he's like in person, if he's just my type of gay.

ha-ha-ha and ha!

on second thought, parang bitin...

...dahil pagkatagal-tagal kong hinintay, tapos lilipas nang ganun ganun lang.

pero ok na rin siguro. alam ko pag di ako pumasok today may mga maiinis sa kin. pero pag wala kang emotional investment, madaling bumitaw. kahit lumipas ang araw na to, madaling maka-move on. at ang totoo, kaya ko lang naman sya hinihintay dahil gusto kong lumipas na sya.

at true enough. 12 hours na lang, october 26 na. hindi ko na kelangang isipin ang (o ma-guilty sa) shoot today na hindi ko napuntahan. postprod na lang ang magho-haunt sa kin. hanggang lunes.

today, deadbatt ang phone ko.

it's the movie's last shooting day today...

...and i'm not even there.

coming from a different shoot, di ko alam kung anong oras ang calltime today, dahil didiretso sila ng 48 straight hours. i was meaning to wake up at 4 am para abangan kung anong oras ang magiging packup-pullout nila for the next location.

i woke up at 9, to find multiple msgs and 10 missed calls on my phone. 5:30 am pa pala sila umalis. tanay ang location.

pano yun, i wondered. pano ako makakasunod sa malayong lupalop ng tanay. tried calling. i texted. no replies. ok, sabi ko. bahala na, io-off ko na lang ang phone ko.

hence, today. last day, off. :-)

aside from the work that would happen, i don't think anything would be missed anyway.

day by day account ito?

(as the countdown comes close to the most anticipated Last Day)

still in the same internet shop during tengga time.
the direk must be back by now. i hope not.
they're discussing the scenes that we could shoot tonight. we're all in limbo.

sana, pauwiin na lang kami. kahit maagang call bukas, basta uwi na.
i wonder kung 5 days to go na lang talaga.

i love dora. i miss my kitty keekee. i wanna go hoooome.

* * *

hay.

* * *

rose, magblog ka lang nang magblog dito. para naman hindi na lonely planet ang drama ng mga blog entries ko. haha. sana naman makapagkape na tayo minsan. yung masaya at makwentong kapihan na hindi tayo pagod pareho at magiging cathartic at uplifting at the same time. mishu.

after today, 4 days to go

it's the 21st. we'll be done on the 25th, come hell or high water.
technically, 5 days pa. isang buong araw pa ang bubunuin para maging 4 days to go.

wala pang tulog. may pinagawa pang assignment sa kin. taena. this was a trying day. napikon talaga ko. nag-trillanes mode ako sa loob. napasabi ako ng ayoko na, aloud, sa harap ng isang katrabaho.

sabi nya, 5 days na lang!
actually, ako yung laging nagsasabi sa kanya nun. sya naman, __ days pa (with matching groan).

ayoko na nga e. pero tatapusin ko. titiisin ko. dahil 5 days na lang.

tinanong ng artista sa direk, ano po yung first job nyo sa showbiz?
ang sagot nya, scriptcon.
lalong gusto ko nang umayaw sa trabahong to. dahil feeling ko, hindi umaandar ang buhay ko.
at kung hindi din naman kikita ng malaki (or kikita at ALL, in this case), wala nang rason para mag-stay.

tapos, an SMS just this morning.
malaking temptation. actually, hindi ko matatanggihan.
kaso, yun pa rin. scriptcon. same old same old. pero ang kaibahan, kikita ako. ang kaibahan, hindi ako pagagawin ng potaenang floor PA work. hindi ako pagbebabysit sa mga artista.

continuity lang. no more, no less.
with that, masisikmura ko pa.

thank you lord. for blessings like this.
thank you lord. dahil 5 days na lang.
thank you lord sa lucky me supreme.
thank you lord sa magiging masayang breakfast with osobear.
thank you lord, dahil hindi nyo ko pinapabayaan, at kahit hindi ko nakukuha ang lahat ng gusto ko, may mga unexpected blessings naman na dumarating sa buhay every now and then. more often than not.

thank you lord. i love the life you gave me. :-)
five days na lang. :-)

parang de ja vu

dahil i'm back in the same internet shop again, during tengga time.

thank god for this day. hindi pa sya matatapos pero i'm praying na sana mabilis na lang lilipas ang oras. at magugulat na lang ako bigla na packup time na pala.

officially, matatapos daw ang pelikula ng october 25. 8 days away. malapit na lang yun. 8 days na lang!

inside an internet shop at dinner break...

...dahil isang linggo na yata akong hindi nago-online.

paborito ko ang araw na ito. for one wonderful reason.

i thank god. for answered prayers. and i keep praying that my prayers will continue to be answered, with each day.

* * *

10 days na lang. or less. sana less. i can't wait to go back to my life again.

minsan hindi mo alam kung anong gusto mo, pero alam mo kung ano ang ayaw mo.

* * *

i really should go back now. baka bumalik na si direk. pero isa na lang. lalo kong naaappreciate ang home and family sa mga panahong halos di ako mapirmi sa bahay. sa mga panahong stressful at haggard ang work schedule.

namimiss ko na ang pusa kong si keanna.
namimiss ko na ang meals kasama ang mama at papa ko.
namimiss ko na ang mahahabang dates namin ni osobear.
namimiss ko nang mag-makeup.
namimiss ko nang mag-ayos at magbihis ng hindi pang-shooting ang outfit.
namimiss ko nang chumika with friends.
namimiss ko na ang kama ko.

pero di bale. 10 days na lang. at malaya na ko.

little miss sunshine

may mga taong sadyang pinanganak na positibo ang tingin sa mundo at sa buhay. siguro, nung pinapanganak sila, kasabay sa pagsikat ng araw, kaya yung sunrays nag-seep in sa kaloob-looban ng pagkatao nila.

siguro pinanganak ako na palubog na ang araw. kaya kung may mga little miss (and mister) sunshine, ako si little miss sunset. nag-aagaw ang night and day, ang optimism at pessimism. pero malamang 5:59 pm na nung pinanganak ako dahil laging natatalo ng dilim ang liwanag.

tulad ngayon. naiinis ako dahil lagi na lang kaming last two weeks before packup. LAGI NA LANG. extend ng extend ang p***** project na to. kaya minsan ayoko nang magbilang. pero nagbibilang pa rin ako.

si little miss sunshine, iisipin siguro, LAST TWO WEEKS NA LANG!
ako, iniisip ngayon, LAST TWO WEEKS PA.

gusto ko nang magka-life.

nabubwisit din ako. dahil konti na nga lang ang free days ko, kailangan pa ding magtrabaho.

si little miss sunshine, will cheerfully carry on the job til completion. hindi sya magba-blog, dahil sayang ang oras.

ako, i grumble. i grow to hate my job even more than i already do. at magba-blog ako para maglabas ng sama ng loob.

kasi gusto ko ng ibang life. ng ibang job. ng ibang state of mind.

ang masaklap dun, 70% of the odds of me getting those three things will all have to depend on me. for now, i have no other choice but to hack my way through the last (POTAH, SANA LAST NA NGA) two freakin weeks.

reality bites...again.

an old college friend messaged me on facebook today.

tinatanong nya kung bakit daw ako kumekembot sa primary pic ko. haha. malungkot ako lately, pero natawa naman ako dun. narealize ko din kung gano ko na-miss ang college friend kong to. ang college friends ko, na iilan na lang ata ang in touch ako ngayon. ang college, na isang malaking kanlungan, kumpara sa totoong buhay ngayon.

until today, she has been out of touch. i didn't know why, and the praning in me started thinking that she didn't want to be friends with me anymore. kababawan mang maituturing pero sinisisi ko ang sarili dahil minsan sa isang honest heart-to-heart talk nasabihan ko sya na mag-undergo ng "makeover". feeling ko nasaktan ko sya. yung tipong sakit na kahit alam mong well-meaning ang nagsabi sa yo, magnu-nurture ka pa rin ng sama ng loob sa kanya.

ang babaw naman kung ganon, kung yun ang rason. naisip ko din na siguro dahil nag-iba na talaga ang career paths namin. nag-stay ako sa showbiz habang sya, nag-akademya. hindi nya pinursue ang pangarap na sabay naming hinabol-habol nung college. it happens. friends drift apart because of time and space. parang labers yan, di ba. wow labers. haha.

tapos, here she is. nagpaparamdam lang daw. perfect timing. namiss ko silang lahat. sa punto ng life na ito. sabi ko, may crisis ako. ayoko na sa showbiz. at sagot nya, relax ka lang, don't worry too much. andito lang kami for you.

i'm not worrying, girl.
well, it's not the dominant emotion.
i'm just looking to find my place elsewhere. but i'm clueless kung saan.

dati puno tayo ng dreams, siguro mas napaaga lang mamatay yung sa yo. pero next time magkita tayo the first thing i'll tell you is namatay na rin yung akin.

nung una iniyakan ko, pero ok na ko ngayon. tanggap ko na. pwede ko pang buhayin pero para saan pa. aakyat ka ng bundok pero may assurance ka ba na worth it ang makikita mo from the top?

from the looks of things, not it. not for a living. not in this lifetime.
i'd rather look for a living elsewhere.
baka nga smart ang move mo ang mag-akademya. dahil ang showbiz, nakakasarado ng utak. nakakapurol ng isip. nakakamatay ng maliit na tao sa loob mo.

bukod pa sa toxic sya sa kalusugan, nakakamatay.

* * *

thank you lord.
i will not tire of thanking you every day. i believe. i know. that you are always there, everyday.

by hook or by crook, october 17 will be my last day.

prayers

lord, i pray that the next two weeks will come and go as fast as possible.
sana, dumating na ang last day nang halos hindi ko namamalayan.

i pray, too, that you would help me survive every single day of the next two weeks. with work still done, with grace and a poker face, with an armor that will protect me from all sources of anxiety. because, at the end of every shooting day, it is still the work that matters. i am there for the work. kahit hindi ko na nakikita ang sarili ko na patuloy pa ring gagawin ang work na ganito in the future.

i pray, lord, that you would help me find a good place. a place where i can live life, be happy and fulfilled. for the meantime, though, i wish na matapos na to. at ang bawat araw that i will have to live through, may blessing nyo. may guidance nyo. may justice na galing sa pagbabasbas nyo.

lord, sana paggising ko bukas, october 17 na.

* * *

things to do when this is over:
1. get a haircut.
2. get a rebond. (hmm...optional)
3. reclaim my old complexion.
4. get an out of town vacation.
5. think about future options.
6. meet up with friends.
7. make it up to osobear.
8. treat myself to a not-so-expensive trip to the mall.
9. go to church to thank god that it's over.

sad news

the boss direk is dead. four months ago he was diagnosed with cancer. he will be cremated early next week.

the production still owed us, but he was our major source of hope. sabi nila, pag nag-resume na reshoots, mababayaran na kami. and we believed it, because we knew that the boss would not let them break their promise.

but with the boss direk gone, i wonder what will happen to us. wala nang magtatanggol sa min. yung three weeks of work na inutang ang tf, malilibre na lang ba?

boss direk, help us. you are a good man. i know you are in a very good place right now.

* * *

akala ko nasa mata na ko ng buhawi, hindi pa pala.
two remaining weeks to go. ok lang. two weeks ago nakiki-dream night lang ako. parang kahapon lang yun. the next two weeks ought to be a breeze.

as they should be. and i know they will be, pacing-wise.

sabi nila, nagpa-packup-pullout daw sila nung last few days ng OMC.
hindi pa naman nangyari sa min yun, pero malamang mangyayari din soon. this week. sa 1st week ng october.

taena, gusto ko nang matapos 'to.

i miss my osobear. my keanna. my bed.
may mga oras sa madaling araw na hindi ko na alam ang pinaggagawa ko.
most of the time, nanlilimahid ako, at wala na kong pakialam.
waaah. sana october 10 na.

tumambay sa video assist, o sa tabi ng camera?

potah. pagkatapos ng tatlong taon meron pa ring ganito.
sa mga kano kasi, tambay sa video assist. sa pinoy, tambay sa tabi ng camera. may kanya kanyang advantage. usually sa tabi ako ng camera. pero may mga panahon na parang mas advantageous pag nakikita mo ang frame the whole time, para alam mo kung ano ang sakop ng shot.

ang hirap sa ganon, less accessible sa yo ang set, pag malayo ang video assist dito. at hindi ka makakakuha ng continuity stills nang malinaw. potah. pwede bang hatiin ang katawan?

and i mean that. really.

gusto ko na ng creative work. i fuckin swear.

three bottles of san mig on a wednesday afternoon

and as i expecteed, i'm tipsy.

* * *

even beyond working hours, something in me stresses out when i hear my stopwatch bleep. parang reflex. ganito yata talaga.

in whatever way i might be able to paint it now, in the future i know i'll definitely remember this. and knowing me, na delayed ang appreciation sa mga bagay-bagay, i'll probably remember these times as golden. kahit ngarag. kahit stressed out. i can't help not loving something that i have invested much on. and this project somehow has been demanding near-total investment from me. more than other projects. in terms of time and effort. but my heart is in a glass case.

flashback to the compost movie. hmm, 1 year ago sinusumpa ko ang pelikulang yon. ngayon...para lang syang...anino. passing me by, like an eclipse.

i guess it doesn't apply to all cases. but this one, i'll definitely remember. good memories or not-so, remains to be seen.

don't mind me, i'm drunk.

* * *

biglang nagkaganang bumili ng beer ang tatay ko kaya sinabay na rin ako. eh gusto kong magpatulog dahil masyadong maaga ang gising ko kanina (on a 5am bedtime, coming from 18 hours of work on set). ito kasing pusa kong KSP, kinukulit ako. kaya kelangan kong magpatulog ulit, dahil may work na naman bukas.

life is just...jolly. when you're drunk.

may problema ko sa paglalagare ng dalawang projects. hindi talaga advisable maglagare, lalo na kung sapaw sapaw ang skeds ng dalawa. kaso magpapasko na kaya medyo nag-money mode ako. pero lesson na 'to sa kin. i won't do this again, unless under special circumstances na hindi maiiwasan.

tired. sleepy. day off today, but the tidal wave has started.

i miss creative work. so. uber.
para kong automaton.
ayoko na.

* * *

people have wanted me to adopt their babies. usually pag ganon nagiging lukewarm ako. ewan ko kung may issue ako sa pag-adopt ng hindi akin. siguro, pag embryo pa lang sya. pero pag out-of-the-womb baby na sya (tulad ng GNW) at matino namang lumabas, siguro pwede pa. hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko.

gusto ko kasi, ako ang magje-gestate. ako ang magbubuntis. pagdatin sa personal projects. ang hirap mag-ampon.

inaantok ako. and i'm sneezing now. my mom's dancing to rock music outside my room. i'm sleepy at 2 in the afternoon. my system's weird. thanks to san mig.

3-day-freedom

and i'm on Day 2 today.

spent Day 1 sleeping, eating, and watching Adam Sandler on cable.
will be spending Day 2 at the Cuneta Astrodome, cheering on pee-dee-ay scholars onstage.

and tomorrow...who knows.

i'm just glad for these three days. even if i know i'll be paying for the bonus later. little sleep, extra stress. strictly speaking, the film has one more month to go before expected packup.

lord. i hope it doesn't stretch beyond that. i just want this to be over.

* * *

crush ko na si Adam Sandler. salamat sa "click". actually, nagustuhan ko din yung pelikula. ang layo nya sa typical Adam Sandler screwball movie, pero that's not really the reason why i liked it. relevant lang kasi siguro sa present life ko ngayon yung sinasabi ng pelikula.

at saka na-realize ko din na may inherent charm talaga si Sandler na lalong na-enhance pag hindi sya nagpapatawa. ever since wedding singer pa lang, kung magre-rewind ako. unassuming, unthreatening, regular-guy-next-door kind of charm. mai-google nga kung may nyowa na sya. haha, as if naman it would make a difference kung meron.

may isa pa kong celebrity crush, si john lloyd cruz. nabuhay uli ang crush ko sa kanya nung mapanood ko yung avsl. first movie ko sa production si john lloyd ang bida, at kahit noon pa hindi ko sya matingnan nang diretso sa mata. haha.

tapos one time sa elevator nakasabay ko yung ka-loveteam nya sa b3tty l@ fe@, si bea alonzo. in costume. yun pala may taping ang b2tty somewhere within the building. pagdating ko ng office ni osobear, sinabi ko sa lahat na nakasabay ko si b3tty. sabi nung isang bading dun, "ah kaya pala nakasabay ko si lloydie kanina sa elevator."

sabi ko, "putah ka! sana nagpalit na lang tayo!" dahil matagal-tagal ko na ding hindi nakikita si lloydie. haha. inggit talaga ko sa bading na yun...not knowing na magkakaroon din ako ng lloydie elevator experience, much sooner than expected. haha.

it was 3 am. galing akong shoot, at makikitulog sa "condo" on 15th floor (actually, office sya, pero sa dami ng mga taong natutulog dun every night parang nagiging condo na rin). on "taong taga-production" mode, and how--physically, i was at my worst, but i figured, sino ba naman ang makakakita pa sa kin at this time of the night. kahit nga siguro si osobear (na syang sasadyain ko sa 15th floor), tulog na din by then.

laking gulat ko nang bumukas ang elevator and there's lloydie. parang panaginip. llyodie, in plain sight, sa elevator. pumasok ako ng elevator without thinking, and my first instinct was to say hi. na ibinalik naman. i was stunned. parang wish na nagkatotoo, being alone with lloydie in the elevator, at 3 am.

"san ka na ngayon?" he asked. i doubt if he still remembers my name.
i told him, dun pa rin. na actually, galing akong shoot.
"talaga? yung ___?" aba, nahulaan nya. friend kasi sya nung direktor at male star ng project namin.
"oo." then just at a point when i felt na magkakaroon na ng dead air at wala nang mapapag-usapan, i turned to look at the elevator buttons above us. "ay, pababa pala ang elevator na to?"

lloydie laughed. tumigil ang elevator, and as he was about to step out, sabi nya, "bye..."

potah! nakakahiya. sa sobrang windang ko na nakita si lloydie sa loob ng elevator, ni hindi ko na napansin kung pa-up ba sya o pa-down, basta pumasok na lang ako. haha! betty, ikaw ba yan?!

pagdating ko ng 15th floor, fullhouse ang "condo" as usual with snoring bodies all over the floor. pero i couldn't contain my excitement. i had to wake up osobear and tell him, "guess what? nakasabay ko si lloydie sa elevator kanina!" and all he could say was a sleepy, "talaga" and then he went back to sleep. hahaha.

hay. magkakaroon daw ng avsl part 2. at same direk pa rin. di ko alam kung sasama ako dun (if ever na ayain ako). pero si lloydie ang magiging bida. ayoko nun. hindi ko na kasi nagiging crush ang isang artista once na nakatrabaho ko na sila (or in lloydie's case, nakatrabaho ulit). dati crush ko si 3cho, until we did the baguio movie. pati din si vh0ng, until we did the comedian-child star movie.

eh kung si adam sandler kaya. ok lang na mawala ang crush ko sa kanya, kung ang kapalit nun eh makakatrabaho ko sya. cause if that happens, that must mean nakarating na ko sa hollywood, o hollywood ang dumating dito sa pinas. either way, that would be something of a dream come true for me.

ranting/raving/raging

ang hirap maging positive sa kondisyon ng life ngayon.
alam ko hindi pa todo 'to, we're bound for more toxic days ahead. sa ngayon may mga bonus pang paisa-isang araw na walang shoot, pero pasasaan pa't magkukumahog din kaming lahat, darating at darating ang mga araw na walang uwian, packup to pullout, walang oras para sa liguan, langu-lango ang utak, iinit ang ulo ng direktor sa puyat pagod at pressure, iigsi ang pasensya ng lahat ng tao.

ang hirap maging positive, when now is the best time para mag-ipon ng positivity, habang hindi pa dumarating ang tidal wave. at lahat ng mga gugustuhin mong gawin na hindi mo na magagawa when the days finally come ay dapat gawin na ngayon, habang may oras pa.

ang hirap, dahil bagong grupo na naman, parang ang tagal kong nawala sa mother studio (taon ang binilang, bumalik lang ata ako nung ginawa namin yung Comedian - Child Star movie early this year), at may kanya-kanyang tribu na, at technically ako ay Bagong Salta, at kelangan pang i-earn ang tiwala ng mga katrabaho pagdating sa area ng trabaho ko. eh tatlong taon na yata akong naburo sa trabahong to. mukha kasi daw akong fresh graduate (walang kokontra, hehe) kaya preprod meeting pa lang natanong na ko ng direktor kung first movie ko daw ba ang project na to. haha. sa totoo lang ayoko na nga sa trabahong to. and in my worst moments, parang ayoko na rin sa field na to.

ang hirap maging positive. lalo na pag kahit sa panaginip ko nagtatrabaho pa din ako, parang kung pwede lang na pag-uwi mo after packup may automatic shut-off system that would make you forget work as soon as you get off the shooting set. kaso araw-araw ka ding nasa shooting set, kaya ang hirap. parang most of your waking hours nagtatrabaho ka, kaya nadadala mo pati sa pagtulog mo.

actually, hindi pa nga toxic ngayon. pero ganon na ang nararamdaman ko. kaya minsan ayoko na sa trabahong to. minsan iniisip ko sana tinuloy ko na lang ang advertising career nung 2002, bago ako nag-apply sa mother studio. e di sana mayaman na ko ngayon. at least, yun ang sabi sa kin ng tiyuhin ko nung isang gabi. something i'm getting more and more inclined to believe.

gusto kong magsulat. ewan ko. hindi ko alam kung anong gusto ko.

tinext ako ng isa sa mga kakilala kong producer/writer nung isang araw, may writing project. i doubt kung malaki ang kita dun pero at least fresh challenge uli, after a long time. hindi lang talaga kaya ng schedule.gusto ko pa ring magsulat for tv. gusto ko ng maraming pera. gusto kong magtrabaho sa bahay. gusto ko lagi akong fresh at mabango. gusto ko mas may time ako para sa jowa. gusto ko ng kotse, ng limpak limpak na pera, ng creative na trabaho, ng perks sa trabaho, ng benefits, ng bagong challenge.

hay.

nung first week na nagsabay maggrind ang dalawang pelikulang nilalagare ko ngayon, nagkasakit ako nang bonggang-bongga. flu to the umpth power with matching coughs colds and chills, pero kelangan pa ring pumasok. sumesegue ako sa dalawang movie sets na kadalasan eh parang bangkay na ang itsura (ika nga ng isa kong katrabaho, kulang na lang ihimlay na nila ko).

isang umaga ng alas-6 umuwi ako galing sa shoot, sabi ng nanay ko, hindi ka papasok ngayon. sabi ko, 7:30 on the set kami sa kabila. sabi nya, "putcha, gusto mong mamatay agad? pera lang yan!" in a teary-eyed voice na nakakakurot ng pusong pakinggan. kaya hayun nakinig na lang ako sa kanya at humimlay buong maghapon ng araw na yon (buti may reliever ako kahit papano sa trabaho). na nakatulong naman, kasi gumaling ako.

everytime tumo-toxic ang buhay naaalala ko si manong. bright shining example sya ng di dapat gawin para lang sa pera. health is wealth, kaya ngayon habang maluwag pa ang schedule (relatively), magbabangko na ko ng pahinga.

bukas may shoot na naman. sana hindi pa this week magsimula ang kangaragan. gusto ko lang ng ganito. pero ayoko ng napapanaginipan ko ang trabaho. ampangit!

kagabi on my way home naalala ko yung mga short film concepts na itinago ko na sa baul in favor of life's other concerns. mga hilaw pa sila, hindi pa good enough for shooting, but i believed in their promise, once upon a time. ewan ko kung bakit bigla kong naalala kagabi. gusto ko silang balikan someday, kung by that time eh hindi pa sila passe.

hay. miss ko nang maghang out with friends. miss ko nang lumakbay sa bagong lugar.

naalala ko nung Baguio Bold Movie days namin. na-enjoy ko talaga yon. gusto ko ang ginagawa ko. nage-AD ako kahit continuity ako. ang sipag ko non! ang ganda kasi ng lugar. ngayon parang ang tamad tamad ko na. stick to continuity na lang ako, di na ko nage-effort tumulong sa AD floor work kung hindi ako ang AD sa set (sabagay, dala-dalawa na silang AD ngayon sa set). feeling ko kaya ako ganito ngayon dahil nirereserba ko ang energy ko. recent lang kasi yung nakaranas akong ma-deadbatt halos. hindi masayang experience. nega to the umpth power.

hay. sana humaba pa nang humaba ang mga days off na ganito. ganito na lang ang buhay. mundane, inane, insane. pero at least, may kasiyahan pa din. basta't minamahal ka, at may pamilya ka, at may mga kaibigan ka, at maginhawa at malusog naman ang buhay.

ang ganda ng pusa ko. pag nasa trabaho ko tinitingnan ko lang picture nya sa cellphone ko, napapangiti ako. 7 months old na sya ngayon.

sick weekend

the past three days weren't exactly party days for me, but i thank god for a huge blessing: wala kaming shoot today and tomorrow.

a huge blessing, dahil kelangan ko talaga ng pahinga. been sick with the flu for days, at kung hindi binigay samin ang dalawang araw na 'to, hindi ko alam kung masusurvive ko ang paglalagare sa mga susunod na araw.

bait talaga ni lord. you can't have everything, but you'll have just enough things in life to keep you going.

--

hay. gusto ko ng maraming pera. pero kung hindi talaga para sa kin ang maging mayaman, tatanggapin ko na rin. basta kung ano ang mga blessing na meron ako ngayon, andito pa din.

if i am right to be happy about certain things in my life right now, i can live with the status quo.

--

may nakita akong napakagandang mukha sa internet, hollywood celeb daw sya pero di ko alam ang pangalan nya. peaches and cream ang kutis nya, golden blonde hair, siguro mga 17-19 years old, ang amo-amo ng mukha. tinry kong hanapin ang name nya sa internet pero napagod na ko. haha.

nung 11-12 y.o. ako drowing ako nang drowing ng mukha ng babae, hoping to come up with the "perfect" female face. the best i could come up with had round wide eyes, an oval face, a pert nose, and dressed pretty conservatively. through the years nag-evolve na din ang perception ko ng feminine beauty. kung dati hindi ako nagagandahan sa mga chinita, ngayon na-realize ko na may mga chinita nga pala talagang magaganda. at hindi lahat ng caucasian at malaki ang mata, maganda.

never naman akong na-tung in this lifetime pero unabashed talaga ang admiration ko when it comes to beautiful women. maybe because in deep, i wish i could be as beautiful as them.

---

*&^)$@#)(_+#~!@#$#

sick, sick girl.

they make a cute pair

she's not uber pretty. pero magkamukha sila. pag magkamukha daw ang dalawang tao, nagkakatuluyan.

he posts dozens of pictures of the two of them together on friendster. parang proud na proud. it must mean that he loves her a lot. either that, or ganun lang talaga sya pag may gf. ganun lang talaga sya magmahal.

may mga lalakeng ganun. those who would proudly tell the whole world (or sa www) that they're in love with the woman they love. ang cute, parang straight out of a st@r c1nem@ movie.

four years ago, he was asking me out for coffee. single pa sya noon. i didn't take it seriously. kasi he's too tall. anubayun. sabi ko din sa sarili ko, di ko type ang mga chinito at mas bata sa kin. kebs kung maganda pa ang background nya. kahit mukhang malinis at mapapagkatiwalaan. i felt that if we went out for coffee (kahit under the pretext of me giving him a coffee of my thesis film, which he said he liked), he would eventually end up as Just Another Coffee Date. just another of those forgettable, Not-The-One ones.

minsan mababaw ang basehan. pano mo ba masasabi kung ang isang tao ay hindi ang The One? minsan, wrong timing lang. minsan, masama lang ang gising mo. minsan maiisip mo, sana binigyan mo ng chance yung sarili mo, yung tao. para at least, hindi ka nag-iisip ng mga what-ifs.

(naiisip ko lang naman ang mga what-ifs pag annoyed ako kay osobear. and this is one of those moments. for some asinine, non-normal girl's reason).

water under the bridge. all that is. i'm actually glad to see that he's happy, with someone whom he seems to love a lot.

bossing

matagal ko nang napapansin 'to sa kin.
in any work environ, i'm aloof towards whoever's The Boss. usually, almost always.

being aloof is an effort to hide the fact that in deep, i'm intimidated by them. by authority, in general, or whoever it is "up there" that has the power to judge or evaluate me. it's almost a...reflex (?) thing, something that i can't help, and something that i wish i could change. kasi, nasa showbiz tayo. dapat nga, mas bibuhan pa ang pakikitungo sa mga bossing, dahil sila ang may capacity para tulungan tayong rumaket everywhere.

pero, tsk.
i'm socially crippled.

di ko alam kung anong pinanggalingan nito. siguro dahil to kay miss pineda.

teacher ko si miss pineda nung prep. lagi na lang yata akong may nagagawang mali kaya lagi akong napapagalitan. minsan pinauwi nya ko dahil nakalimutan kong dalhin yung math book ko. buti na lang yung bahay ko sa tapat lang ng skwelahan namin.haha.

hindi ko masabing terror si miss pineda, pero "mataray" ang pagkakaalala ko sa kanya. and back then i had a feeling that she really didn't like me very much. minsan tinawag nya kong "ulyanin"--at that time hindi ko alam ang ibig sabihin nung "ulyanin", kaya pag-uwi ko tinanong ko sa mama ko kung ano nga ba yung "ulyanin". eto namang overprotective na mama ko, nagalit, sinabihan si miss pineda na wag tatawaging "ulyanin" ang anak nya. haha. sa akin bumuwelta yung ginawa ng nanay ko, dahil sabi ni miss pineda a few days later, nagsusumbong pa daw ako sa nanay ko, e totoo naman daw na makakalimutin ako. hehehe.

hay. di ko na alam kung anong nangyari kay miss pineda, pero alam ko after her marami pang teachers akong minahal at somekinda nagmahal din naman sa kin, kaya di ko rin alam kung tama bang sisihin sya sa pagiging socially-screwed up ko ngayon.

* * *

the other day i went back to the mother studio's office for a preprod meeting. nakita ko yung first boss ko in showbiz, si tbd. bigla akong nakaramdam ng nostalgia, for some reason. bigla ko syang na-miss. strangely, sinabi ko sa kanya yon, to her surprise. haha. mas madali talagang maging expressive when the boss is no longer the boss.

pumasok ako sa first job ko na scared of the big bad world. fresh grad, and tbd was technically my first "nanay". kaso hindi naman sya yung tipong mother hen--she herself admitted it--kaya left to our own survival mechanisms kaming mga anak nya. nung nag-resign ako ng 2004, sabi ko sa exit interview ko, "you're the best boss i've had". at ang tongue-in-cheek reply nya: "i'm the only boss you've ever had, saffron." haha. honganaman. pero actually, mabait na nanay pa tong si tbd. some fresh grads have had worse.

on the same day that i saw tbd, nakita ko din yung nanay of all nanays dun, for the first time since The Day that Put a Period on Things. she gave me a big warm hug, na sobrang na-appreciate ko. alam ko ganun sya sa lahat ng mga subordinates (past and present) nya, pero na-touch pa rin ako sa hug. hanggang ngayon pala naghahanap pa rin ako ng nanay. :-P

* * *

sa lahat ng mga naging direktor (boss) ko, pa-isa dalawa, tatlo pa lang yata yung masasabi kong naging "semblance" of nanay sa kin ever. isa pa sa kanila, nachugi na (hope you're happy where you are, manong). minsan nakakainggit din yung mga utaw na may masasabing "mentor" sa karerang pinasukan nila. hindi subordinate-boss ang relationship, mas mentor-student.

sana makahanap pa rin ako ng ganun. yung boss na maituturing kong nanay (o tatay). kung mangyari yun, it might just erase the legacy of Miss Pineda in this screwed-up mind, for good. :-P

shoptalks with myself and other inanities

not feeling well, physically. mentally and else, i'm gathering myself up for a storm.

i dreamed last night that i was in an amusement park. and because of work, i was forced to ride in a ferris wheel, which i'd always hated, being a halukay-bituka ride and all. but in my dream, surprisingly, i actually enjoyed it. eyes-closed, but enjoyed it nonetheless.

i'm taking on the ferris wheel soon. nothing big, nothing new, but if things go as planned, the coming days will see me on a juggling spree--balls up in the air, here and there, with barely enough breathing space in between.

they called me back for the hottie director project. they're agreeing on the terms i offered--pag may araw na sasapaw sa isang previous commitment, i'll get a sub. we have yet to talk about it, but it seems that it's gonna be a go. as scriptcon, mahirap maglagare ng dalawang projects nang sabay. one way or another something will suffer somehow, but i'm determined to keep that from happening this time. for mama, papa, iye, keanna, and myself. all systems go na ito, heart mind and body. char!

this morning the bukidnon project resurfaced. moved na daw ang grind date, pwede na daw ba ko. my ultimate panghihinayang. 3 weeks in bukidnon with @ng3l, p10l0, and one of the mother studio's premiere direks. parang trabaho na bakasyon. pero malabo nang isama ang bolang to sa tatlong ija-juggle ko for the next several weeks. kahit sayang.

last day na kami for my friend's indie film sa aug28. we've only been shooting for four days. hah. indie. keri naman ng friend ko, uber bilis nya! ayokong iwanan ang project na to, kahit magsisimula nang mag-grind yung hottie direk's movie sa aug26. isang araw na lang naman.

yung project RR lang ang medyo malabo pang kausap ngayon. til now they haven't set a reshoot date. meeting lang ng meeting. have to follow this up soon.

three days ago i was too sick to go out. got a temp and body-wracking coughs and colds. still not fully well now, but i have two days to rest. have to make myself well in time for the whirlwind days ahead.

* * *

sayang yung videoke date sana namin nina beatlebum and marc. hay. ted, sana iresked natin to.

* * *

the other night was back-to-back bigscreen night. went to see AVSL and the X Files. liked AVSL kaso couldn't help comparing it to 1 more chance. which is unfair, kasi magkaibang materyal naman sila. could relate to laida's early stages of infatuation (shet, naaalala ko yung film 171 prof ko na sobrang ni-love ko din nung unang panahon...parang sya si miggy, except that my prof was gay. actually para din syang frog princess diaries ko, except that peer ko si f.g. at--yun din--bading sya), pero nung nagsisimula nang pansinin ni miggy si laida, a huge part of me was revolting. NO, HINDI YAN NANGYAYARI SA TOTOONG BUHAY! haha. parang pantasya kasi ng every unrequited lover everywhere...at bitter ako kasi hindi sya nangyari sa kin ever! heh!

the X-Files, on the other hand, was a TV episode that was played out at length on the big screen. maganda syang episode, at maganda rin ang big screen na pinanooran namin, kaso it lacks the "bigness" that i was expecting of the tv show's film version. naintriga lang akong panoorin kasi sabi ng nanay at tatay ko kamukha ni osobear si david duchovny. ha!ha! (at ang sagot ni osobear: "hindi ba si BENdavid duchovny..?" tsk. corny!)

* * *

gusto kong mapanood yung "jay". soon or someday. :-)

kung pwedeng umeskapo via avsl...

...ginawa ko na. kaso next week ko pa sya mapapanood. baka by that time, hindi ko na kelangang umeskapo.

ang guwapo ni lloydy sa trailer.
gusto kong makatrabaho yung direk. mahaba pa naman ang buhay.

sobrang naging popular ang sundance. kahit mga lalake (hindi sila market ng mga movies na tulad ng avsl), familiar sa sayaw. sabi ni osobear, manonood lang daw sya ng avsl kung may libreng passes. haha.

buti na lang binigyan kami ng passes ni wtrfwl at penguin. may extra pang isa, kaya baka isama namin si keanna.

gusto ko ng pelikulang pang-eskapo!

* * *

the prestige. i saw it on HBO last night.
like ko tong pelikulang to. hindi ko ma-pinpoint kung anong genre nya, pero it works for me. ang galing talaga ni nolan. naka-eskapo ako kagabi dahil sa the prestige.

kumusta naman ang yummy christian bale dito? mas gusto ko sya pag may laman sya ng onti. even the grim line that is his mouth beefs up into a kissable (?!) pout when he fills out. parang nagkakahawig sila ng konti ni keanu reeves, the love of my highschool life. haha, pathetic no?

ano bang magandang palabas sa sinehan.
sassy girl, chick flick. napanood ko na yung asian version, baka madisappoint lang ako.

ano pa ba. ano pa ba. ano pa baaa.

non-normal

hindi ako naniniwala na "yun" ang normal. kasi kung "yun" ang normal, eh kebs na. i'd rather keep on dreaming of the abnormal and impossible than settle for the so-called "norm".

* * *

went out for cigarettes. wonderful weather, downcast and windy. i rarely go out of the house except when i'm leaving for work or someplace else, but i was glad for the fresh air.

this is not my best day.

* * *

i'm wracked with coughs and a slightly worsening cold. gusto ko sanang lumabas. meet up with friends, etc. pero wag ngayon. i wouldn't be the most animated person to be with.

osobear and i are seeing some movie tomorrow. same old, same old. i'm tired of routines right now. i just want to see him more often. maybe i'll make that my major angst in life. kesa naman mag-angst sa mga mas nakakadepress na bagay.

sana matapos na ang araw na to. sana bukas na.

ang ganda ganda ng pusa ko. pero kahit sobrang nagagandahan ako sa kanya at nahahawakan, nakakatabi ko sya, a moment always comes when i don't know what to do with her beauty.

i wish i could sleep. i can't.

i wish there are bigger dreams, bigger sources of happiness. i wish i were more hopeful.

i long for someone to talk to. pero di ko na sila iistorbohin. they did not come into my life to play the role of a shrink.

* * *

i know. i'll make coffee.
coffee will be my ultimate source of happiness. at least for the moment.

"challenging" day

masaya na sanang nagsimula ang araw ko ngayon. gumising ako ng 7am para tapusin yung remnants ng assignment ko from a future co-worker (haha. talagang future). 10 am, na-email ko na. masaya ko kasi hindi ko in-expect na jugalicious me would actually get it done within the morning.

may 1130 am meeting daw for project:rr. kahapon napag-isipan ko nang hindi pumunta (pano, meeting nang meeting, wala naman masyadong nangyayari...hanggang ngayon wala pa ring naka-set na exact date for reshoots. aksaya lang ng oras at pamasahe), kaso na-realize ko na baka isipin ng sekretarya ni boss direk (na nabukelya ako sa isang pagsisinungaling re: attendance sa meetings, some weeks ago) na nagdadahilan na naman ako. at isa pa, feeling ko kahapon, yung meeting ngayon ang magde-define ng exact date of reshoots. at kelangan ko nang malaman yun asap.

1135, andun ako sa ortigas. may homework pa kong kelangan tapusin within the day, kaya balak ko lumarga na as soon as matapos ang meeting. 1230 na, wala pa si boss direk. nagsisimula na kong mainip/mainis. i could've been somewhere else, doing more important things than wait.

1pm na. namuti na ang mata naming lahat. naubusan na ng pag-uusapan. bumaba na ko sa ground floor (nasa 25th floor kami) para magyosi at nakabalik na uli. tsaka pa lang sinabi na hindi makakarating ang boss direk, at ireresked na lang daw ang miting.

wala akong masabi. hindi ako naiinis ke boss direk per se. naiinis ako sa ginawa nya. di ko alam ang reasons nya--malamang masama ang pakiramdam, recuperating from chemo pa kasi--pero HAY. sayang ang oras ng mga taong dumayo dun para sa wala--(ah, me pinabaon ng pala sa min ng puto't kutsinta, supposedly meryenda namin yun sa meeting). sayang ang pang-gas sa sasakyan. mabuti kung lahat kami, kapitbahay lang yung meeting venue. putcha, bumabagtas pa ko ng dalawang ilog at sandamukal na highway para lang makarating ng ortigas e.

sabi ko, hamo na. hindi ko na nga lang maipa-promise na next time makakaattend pa ko, dahil may iba din akong commitments, at hindi naman umiikot ang mundo naming lahat sa project RR. kelangan din naming kumita, kasi hindi pa buo ang sweldo namin galing sa inyo, remember? kakainis talaga pag naaalala ko. pero sabi ko nga. kebs na. hindi naman si boss direk ang may kasalanan kung bakit hindi pa kumpleto ang sweldo naming lahat. pero siguro naman may nagawa sya kahit papano para hindi kami paghintayin kanina nang halos dalawang oras.

hamo na.

fly ako sa qc para kumubra ng paycheck ko from a one-day raket long, long ago. in fairness, excited ako, kasi antagal din akong pinaghintay (pagkatapos ng ilang buwang pangungulit sa AP...in a nice way. haha). tapos pagkakita ko, ay buwitre. ganon na ba kalaki ang kinakaltas ng SSS,Philhealth,etcetera sa TFs ng mga freelancer? nalula ako, dahil kung ia-assume ko yung standard TF ng isang 2nd AD sa kumpanyang yon, aba eh 75% ang nawala. na hindi naman nag-reflect sa payslip. feeling ko computer error, o sobrang exploiter lang ang show na yon dahil sa sobrang baba ng tf na binibigay sa mga rumaraket sa kanya.

bad trip talaga, kasi antagal mo na ngang pinaghintay, tapos ganito pa.

sa loob ng company compound nakasalubong ko yung nag-elaborate sa kin ng The SEcret. syempre naalala ko na naman yung The SEcret. at that time nag-uumapaw ako sa negative feelings. na-double whammy kasi ako, kaya ang angst-y ko. pero bad nga daw yun, sabi ng The SEcret. dapat laging positive vibes.

in fairness, naiba ko naman ang timpla ko kahit papano. umuwi ako nang medyo pagod at nanlulumo sa nasayang na umaga at hapon pero ok pa rin naman. dahil at least mas marami pa ring bagay na dapat ipagpasalamat kesa mga bagay na dapat ikalungkot.

thank you pa din, lord.
hindi 'to bad day. emotionally "challenging" lang.
and the best thing about it is that tomorrow will be another day.

haha. hetchus! :-)

pero teka...

...tama ba ko?

hanggat hindi pa nagsisimulang mag-grind ang isang project, di ba hindi pa considered breach of ethics ang pagback-out, kasi hindi mo pa naman nasimulan?

what do you think?

naguguluhan na naman ako. pero kelangan din sigurong i-factor-in ang personal relationships mo with your co-workers. yung pinag-commit-an mo. kahit may pwede kang maging substitute at hindi naman maaantala ang production nila dahil sa pag-alis mo, your leaving also tells a lot about your level of commitment to them, at the very least, if not loyalty.

feeling ko naman tama ang naging desisyon ko. after all, i did pray to god before penguin read his quotable quote aloud. :-)

salamat kay penguin at sa quotable quote nya

when you can't decide, pray.

i prayed. na sana tulungan niya akong magdesisyon. mabilis ang reply talaga ni lord. salamat salamat lord.

* * *

dumating ang bukidnon project. gustong gusto ko sya. kaso masasagasaan ang isang project na nao-oohan ko na. umasa ako, sana ma-move ang grind date ng bukidnon, para makasama ako sa kanila pareho.

na-move nga ang grind date nya. kaso, na-move din ang grind date ng project kung saan ako naka-commit, kaya sapaw pa rin. i resigned myself to the fact na hindi talaga ako makakasama sa bukidnon. nakakahiya kasi sa producer at direk ng dream team; nung umalis ako para mag-aral, iniwan ko sila, tapos ngayong nagbalik ako, they were happy to take me back in.

tapos, eto na naman.
isang project na idederehe ng hottest direktor ng mother studio. putcha. gusto ko. as in. gusto kong sumama sa team nya. dahil alam kong pwede nya kong tangayin sa marami pang proyekto kung magustuhan nya ang trabaho ko.

ang tindi ng temptation. napaisip ako.

wala pa naman akong pinirmahan sa kabila, verbal lang naman ang commitment ko. legally speaking, pwede pang magbail out. pwede kong sabihin na hindi ako pinayagan ng mother studio (kasi may kontrata ko, bunga ng scholarship nung unang panahon). na may right of first offer (whatever it's called) ang mother studio--pag walang project sa loob, tsaka ka lang papayagang lumabas.

ang siste, kaya ko bang sabihin 'to sa produ with honesty in my voice? kaya ko bang idahilan 'to nang hindi makakaramdam ng guilt?

dahil ang totoo, kung pragmatism ang pag-uusapan, gugustuhin kong piliin yung projects na dadalhin ako sa bukidnon. at/o yung may direktor na hindi ko pa nakatrabaho at isa sa mga pangarap kong makatrabaho. at/o yung may mga artistang dati ko nang nakatrabaho at gusto kong makatrabaho uli. at yung projects na may certain level of prestige at alam kong magiging sparkling addition sa resume ko as scriptcon.

not to say na hindi magiging sparkling addition sa resume itong project na pinag-commitan ko. maayos sya. okay din naman ang direktor, isa sa mga pinakamagaling na direktor na nakatrabaho ko. pero hindi nya ko dadalhin sa bukidnon. hindi sya pelikula ng mother studio. and i doubt kung payayamanin nya ko for the span of time na tatrabahuhin ko sya.

madaling mag-backout kung iisipin, pero nagi-guilty ako. at natatakot ako na mag-burn ng bridges sa mga taong nagtiwala sa kin at matagal ko din namang nakatrabaho.
tinawagan ko ang isa kong kaibigan, si penguin. in response, may binasa syang quotable quote:

The highest courage is daring to be yourself in the face of adversity,
choosing right over wrong,
ethics over convenience,
truth over popularity.

These are the choices that measure our life.
Travel the path of integrity without looking back,
for there is never a wrong time to do the right thing.

ang corny pakinggan, pero dahil sa quotable quote ni penguin, alam ko na bigla ang gagawin ko. siguro nga yun ang sagot ni lord sa dasal ko.

a promise is a promise. may kasulatan man o wala.
there's a thin line between pragmatism and ethics, at konsensya na lang ang magiging guide mo. you can never go wrong with your conscience.
sayang, pero hindi rin. dahil walang pera o prestige na pwedeng mag-compensate for professional integrity.

sabi nga ng nanay ko, ganun talaga. may mga opportunities talaga na kailangang palampasin, dahil may nauna na. at least you kept your word. here's hoping na marami pang ibang opportunities ang darating, at sana by that time, kering-keri na. no regrets, bagets!

salamat kay penguin at sa quotable quote nya!

mabilis mag-reply si lord...

so long as alam nyang makakabuti para sa marami ang wish mo.
thank you lord. for little blessings that you throw my way. i need them badly at this point.

* * *

the Once-Favorite Direk got in touch with me this afternoon.
a wish is a prayer your heart makes.

i wish for bukidnon. for bright happy days in the pinyahan.
i wish for smiles on my parents' faces. and mine.
i wish for a before-sunrise packup tomorrow.
i wish for a still-energetic and long-lasting me the day after tomorrow.
i wish for a positive reply from ate lolit this week, or next.
i wish for schedules that will work themselves out.
i wish for enough wisdom to be able to make the right decisions.
i wish for a smiling, happier me.
i wish for the OFD's positive correspondence soon.

i wish. i pray. for sunshine to stream through my windows. because i mean well, for everyone.

* * *

i miss my osobear.
last weekend we stormed the mall for the 3-day sale. he's a born shopper. his high EQ probably helps a lot. haha.

shopping tips from the osobear:
1. haggle, haggle. it's a quasi-art that takes patience, if not expertise. don't end the search in one shop alone. scour 'em all 'til you find the best price (kahit na sumakit ang paa mo sa kakaparit-parito at pabalik-balik)
2. know what you want and don't settle for anything less without at least trying to find the one you really want (again, kahit sumakit ang paa mo sa kakapanik-panaog at paglilibot-libot).
3. always make sure that you're getting your money's worth, quality-wise.
4. take advantage of mall-wide sales (kahit sobrang siksikan ang mall at para kang dilis na nagsu-swimming sa dagat ng tao). it just might save you a lot from acquiring good buys, especially necessities.
5. tutal andun ka na, sulitin mo na---mentally check kung nabili mo na ba ang lahat ng dapat mong bilhin (kahit yung mga tipo ng gamit na hindi naman uber-kelangan pero maaring maging pampaginhawa ng daily life mo). pero syempre, make sure na nasa budget ka pa rin.
6. magdala ng malaking bag para sa mga bibilhin. (pero sana wag yung bag na mandudunggol ng mga nakakasalubong, baka mapaaway ka pa nang di oras. hehe).

honestly, nakakapagod kasamang mag-shopping si osobear. daig pa nya ang babae sa pagiging metikuloso. pero hindi ako nagrereklamo (kahit naka-heels ako that day at muntik nang mapatid ang strap ng sapatuz ko). kasi masaya ko basta kasama ang paborito kong oso! awuawoo!

naisip ko, kung ang style nya ng pagsha-shopping ay pareho ng style sa pagpili ng nyowa, aba eh touched naman ako. haha. at syempre, being madaldal me, sinabi ko talaga yun!

sabi nya, "ayan, nagfo-flowchart ka na naman ng tao." na ang ibig sabihin eh gumagawa na naman daw ako ng "trending" sa behavioral patterns nya. sabi ko, oo nga, may "if-then" syndrome na naman ako. masyado ko namang fina-flatter ang sarili ko, oy! haha!

hindi naman lahat ng trends eh consistent. eh di sana hindi ko naging osobear si osobear, dahil consistently badinggerzi ang lahat ng mga nagugustuhan ko non. although hindi pa naman too late, baka eventually eh mahawahan ko din si oso ng kavaklahan ko.

type! :-)

never again

i got drunk last night. and it wasn't a very wise thing to do.
my mother called me to ask me where i was. which was strange, because it was only 10 pm. i said i was with a co-worker, at shakey's. my voice was slurred, i knew. i was tipsy, but i was lucid.

one proof that i was was that i was conscious. and could still sense things. and still harbored the same reactions to those things that i could sense as when i'm sober.

same, but with significantly more tolerance.
kumbaga, hindi ka magagalit sa tao, hindi mo pepersonalin.
kaso, pag lasing lang ako ganon.

waking up to memories of last night, i wake up to blechs. dahil kung sakali mang tama ang na-sense ko kagabi, kadiri. alibadbad. kung sakaling totoo, i would feel betrayed. for trusting, and considering someone as a friend, tapos ganon.

kasi YUCK. dahil anak ako, at may tatay ako. at hello. ka-edad nyo po sya. at nakakababa ng respeto sa inyo, kung sakali man. nakakabetray, at nakakababa ng respeto sa tao, at nakakaalibadbad. sana mali ako, sana lasing ako talaga kagabi, at mali ang suspetsa ko, dahil nakakadismaya kung tama pala ako.

just minutes ago my mom said she called me last night kasi bigla daw syang kinabahan kagabi, for some reason. na-bother ako sa sinabi nya. sabi ko, katrabaho ko ang kasama ko at safe ako. sabi nya, you never really know people unless they're you. or something to that effect.

ayokong mag-isip ng masama sa ibang tao. pero just to be sure, never again.

ang sarap mag-cuddle pag umuulan

this morning i caught the final scene of "sphere", a submarine movie about a bunch of people trapped underwater with a mysterious alien ball that could turn one's desires and fears into reality.

i'd seen this film ten years ago, in the big screen, pero di ko na masyadong matandaan ang mga detalye. apparently halos lahat ng nasa submarine na yon ay pessimists, dahil imbes na yung desires nila ang natupad, ang na-pickup na vibes ng sphere ay yung mga fears nila, na nagkatotoo, which caused the demise of 'em all.

in the final scene dustin hoffman says, (almost to himself): we are such a primitive race...we let it bring out the worst instead of the best in us...we are not yet ready for such a thing of power.

naalala ko na naman ang the secret. the laws of attraction.

kung ime-marry natin ang "sphere" at ang laws of attraction, pwedeng maging physicalized metaphor ang sphere ng uniberso. matakot ka sa pwedeng gawin sa yo ng sansinukuban kung lagi kang nag-iisip ng nega. pero kung positive thinker ka, kakampi mo ang sphere, ang uniberso. it can make your desires and wishes come true.

gusto kong maging positive thinker. or at least, bawasan ang pagiging nega. because the "sphere" is everywhere, just waiting to pick up the vibes i give out, just waiting to respond "accordingly".

optimism begets success. love begets love. positivity begets positivity!

easier said (and written) than done.
pero shet, let's think positive.

* * *

finally, kahapon, natapos ko na yung ppt na tatlong buwan ko na yatang utang. na-email ko na. ngayon antay na lang ng feedback. sana positive.

of course, it will be positive! because the world can be ours!
haha.

seriously. i believe. mabibigyan ko ng pambakasyon abroad ang mama at papa ko dahil sa project na to.

:-)

* * *

ang sarap itulog ng maulang dapithapon. cuddling my keanna.
she's growing prettier everyday.
she's soft everywhere.
soft fur, soft tummy, soft paws, soft features.
coffee color coat becoming more and more vivid.
blue eyes, bluer than ever.

and she loves me. follows me everywhere. even to the bathroom.
she lets me hold her for as long as i want.
cuddles with me on rainy days like this.

i love my keanna!

i realized, yet again...

...that i really love going to new far-off places.
especially if it's for free.
gusto kong pumunta ng bukidnon!

* * *

i remember someone having gone to bukidnon, a long long time ago. he called me and told me that he was out there, smoking weed under the stars. or something like that.

years later he told me, that was the past, saffron. and that was just one night in bukidnon.
haha. haller?!

hindi pa ko nakapunta ng bukidnon. hindi ko nga alam kung sa visayas ba sya o mindanao (o sa luzon?). hindi ko alam ang itsura nya, kahit sa pictures. ang naiisip ko pag nababanggit ang bukidnon, bukid. haha.

gusto ko, gusto ko!
makakapunta ko ng bukidnon this september. I WILL IT!

* * *

asap daw.
kaya nase-stress ako.
taena. istorbo pa ang mga miting miting e. istorbo din ang chika. istorbo din ang internet. andaming istorbo!
basta, this friday. THIS FRIDAY. no later.
what the hell is so hard about a freakin ppt anyway? anoba!

* * *

hay.
hindi ko na alam.
natutuwa ako para sa iba, pero hindi na ko nangangarap para sa sarili ko ng tulad ng nangyayari sa kanila.
mahaba pa naman ang buhay. at marami pang pwedeng magbago.

* * *

i dreamed of her again.
she was shooing me away.
she came into the room and saw me, and turned to someone and said, "i can't believe she'd stoop this low."
hindi pa nya sinabi sa kin nang diretso. sa dream, hindi ako na-hurt. parang expected ko na. she shooed me away the last time i saw her. hindi na bago ang kahit ano.

redirecting...please wait

sometimes being busy isn't synonymous with being productive. it depends on what being "productive" means to you.

if productivity means money, you barely pass the mark. but at least you haven't failed. so far, knock on wood. but if it's a career for the long term, you get this feeling that nearly everything you do everyday is somehow, well, all for the meantime. that it isn't what you would really want to do for the rest of your life.

which leads you--always--to the one great question that you and only you could ever give a shit about: if not this (or that), what then?

and after weeks, months, of ranting and raving and pondering (aloud) about it, you still haven't found an honest answer. and so you just find yourself floating. like a ghost in the 2046 train. passing through from coach to coach, but never really finding (home?) what you really want.

but what matters is what the present could offer, so you jump and jump and jump from one meantime thing to the next to survive every day.

you think you've found a key to one unopened train coach, an unexplored territory, but you haven't summoned enough guts (and discipline) to get into it for real. so you're not certain, like how you are with most things, because you haven't really tried it. but right now you want nothing more than to finally get on that coach and see for yourself. and reap the fruits of creative labor (after so many years of doing left-brain work).

nothing is certain, but it's the only seemingly new bright option at present. it's a challenge, and time is closing in on you. you have to do it now, or it's going to be another one of those lost tomorrows again.

whatever happens, though, you're slowly starting to be open to the possibility that one can derive fulfillment and happiness from other things, besides one's career. that beyond the straight line you are trying to create for yourself, there could be happiness waiting for you somewhere in the sidelines.

coming from someone who's been making her so-called career the center of her life for the past 28 years, that's somekinduva a major realization. har!

* * *

saturday, i played hooky.
pleaded a day off from the reality show taping and a project RR meeting which were to take place on the same day. my alibi was that i had another shoot. for the tv show i got a substitute for me to babysit those freaking minidv tapes. it turns out that the person referred to me who would do the job is someone i worked with in j3ffr3y j3turian's cebu movie. (ah, that cebu adventure. hanggang ngayon memories would still come flooding in at the least likely moments). you know that you're getting old in this business when you bump into a former co-worker in nearly every new project you take.
i knew that i would be needed at the project RR meeting (what would they do without a scriptgirl/secretary? malabo nang lahat mga mata nila. haha, sama ko), but i already scheduled a date with The Batman.

we had resisted joining the cinema crowds on The Dark Knight's first week run. it took a lot of discipline from me to do so (mababa ang EQ ko e). so that saturday i was decided. come hell or high water. everything else would take a backseat, kebs na kung anong maging resulta.

the taping was out of town and they left in the early morn of saturday but the meeting was to be in qc at 5pm. on my way to the MRT in cubao i bumped into two former co-workers from projectRR--one of whom was the Boss Direk's secretary. sheesh. sa dinami-dami ng pwede kong daanan sa farmer's plaza. hindi ko alam kung isusumbong nya ko, pero kebs na.

* * *

monday was a shoot for a friend's maiden directing feature. i was AD and i think i liked it, at the end of the day, kahit postdated check ang kaliwaang bayad. (m0th3r l1ly, isdatchu?). creative-wise maraming points ang hindi ako agree sa style ng direktor, pati na rin sa attitude towards the whole "Director" thingie, pero dahil friend ko sya at AD nya ko quiet na lang ako. naniniwala kasi ako na puso ang dapat pinapairal pag nagkukwento ka. hindi ka dapat maging aware sa style. i think it's not about shots or about a scene per se, but how it all fits in the bigger picture. eh medyo mahilig sya sa mga ganun.

naniniwala din ako na ang pagiging "direktor" is more about responsibility than privilege or so-called glory. kaya if you take up the role, mas mabigat ang pressure of obligation kesa sa euphoria over being called a director. not to say that i'm against people who choose to dwell on the euphoria side of it. but the "director" role is just something that scares me now. scares me, because of the obligations and responsibility attached to it. kung tatawagin ka ngang direktor pag shoot nyo pero pag lumabas ang pelikula pangit naman, sa yo din ang bwelta, sa yo din ang sisi. at pag may nangyari sa shoot mo--may nasaktan, may na-injure, etc--ikaw ang may command responsibility. kaya nakakatakot. kung magdidirek ka, siguraduhin mo na handa ka para sa lahat ng responsibilities na kakabit ng titulong "direktor". at confident ka sa written material na bubuhayin mo onscreen, dahil pangalan mo din ang nakataya (sabi nga nila, bad scripts usually don't make good films).

in fairness sa friend ko, mukhang in good shape naman sya. at mukhang confident naman sa written material. mamahalin din sya ng AD nya dahil mabilis syang magdirek. we finished the day at 2:30 am, with 20-plus sequences closed (including a rape scene and a murder scene) and one major company move. na-realize ko na as an AD, i'm mre of a lark than an owl. mas buhay ako sa araw kesa gabi, pero syempre ume-effort pa rin akong pantayin ang efficiency level mapa-araw man o gabi.

kahit as AD, may certain glamor pa rin. people would call you "direk" din kahit alam mo na sa set, isa lang talaga ang direktor. tulad din ng pagiging direktor, that certain dint of power over your jurisdiction comes with a huge bulk of responsibility. hindi lang sa pagmobilize ng shoot, kundi sa problem solving din on-set, sa pagtupad ng gusto ng creative intentions ng direktor, sa pag-lookout for the safety of everyone involved. pag may sumablay sa kahit isa man sa mga nasa D&R mo, kahit maraming factors involved, sisisihin at sisisihin mo pa din ang sarili mo, dahil command responsibility mopa rin yon.

kung as continuity supervisor line of vision ang huling challenging thing na natutunan ko, as AD siguro ang pinaka-challenging (so far, at present) ay yung pag-motivate sa artista. sa first J@de movie i left the motivating to direk and the acting coach, pero in some projects the director would at some point rely on the AD.
yung bida namin kagabi nahihirapan syang umarte at pagod na din si direk, kaya ako na yung pinatira nya. i was trying to use the only acting style that i knew on him (3ric m0rr1s). it turns out na iba pala yung acting style na ginagamit nya for the film (The Method, which i think is more cerebral than instinct-based). syempre somehow lost ako. haha.

na-realize ko din na for most actors mas magwowork ang motivation kung one-on-one kayo, pag kayo lang ang nakakarinig. kasi dati as director in my past works pag nagmo-motivate ako ng artista everyone on set hears it. in some cases it works, in some it doesn't. pero pag bulung-bulungan lang between actor and motivator, mas personal, less slef-conscious.

sa s@pi, seduction scene nung babaeng artista at nung asawa nyang nagdadasal. medyo bagets pa yung girlaloo at first time nyang gawin ang eksena of that sort. sabi ni d1rek sa kin, gusto daw nya lumabas ang sensuality nung girl. parang in effect he was throwing the ball at me (his AD). hala, eh taga-teatro kaya ang direk na to (at 3ric morr1s din ang gamit nya), kaya di ko ma-gets noon kung bakit hindi nya gawin ang motivating himself. (later i realized it's the gender thing. straight guy kasi sya). wala din naman ako masyadong alam about sensuality acting exercises (i was subjected to it once, pero sobrang na-self conscious ako).

i went up to the girl and whispered girl talk. things that only girls would know. sobrang hindi schooled at academic pero somehow it worked. approved ni direk yung eksena. parang natuwa ako, kasi kaya ko palang tumulong sa acting ng artista. and to think na girl talk lang naman yung pinagbulungan namin!

* * *

ang ganda ng The Dark Knight. between burton and nolan, i'm sure mas maraming fans ang stylized Batman movie ni Burton. but i admire nolan's depth. he chose substance over style, but was able to balance both successfully. nagagandahan ako sa gargoyles ng gotham city ni burton pero mas bilib ako sa social commentary (na hindi pilit!) ng gotham story ni nolan. it's a tale of a city, not just of one person in a bat suit.

sana ma-meet ko si nolan in person. ka-lebel na sya ni wong kar-wai sa libro ko.