eto na naman ako, balik sa dating modus operandi. how many time have i been through this, and each time i'd find myself in the same little rut.
interesado ka sa isang tao? anong gagawin mo? hindi mo naman kayang kunin ang cellphone number nya, hindi mo rin kayang makipagkaibigan. in the first place, hindi rin naman advisable na gawin ang options 1 and 2, kasi hindi mo naman intensyon na gumawa ng paraan para mas mapalapit ka sa kanya, much less--argh--ligawan sya (although interesanteng ideya, kung baliktad lang ang mundo at ang mga bading ay straight at tinubuan ng balls ang mga torpeng manang na katulad ko). so ang best option, to feed your curiosity (and your fancies as well) is mag-research.
ano pa nga naman ba ang silbi ng prenster sa buhay mo, bukod sa paglalabas ng angst via bulletin board surveys at pagpo-post ng mga pa-cute mong pictures. and so you people-search. at nahanap mo sya.
ang cute talaga, kilig mo pang sabi sa sarili mo habang pinagmamasdan ang mga piktyurs nya. nakakaloka. kasi akala mo hindi ka na makakakita ng taong halos ayaw mo nang ialis ang mga mata mo. ang sarap nyang tingnan, lalo na pag sa personal, at nakatingin sya sa yo, parang gusto mong iiwas ang tingin mo dahil takot kang mabasa nya sa mga mata mong hirap na hirap magsinungaling na gusto mo sya. aray ko. baka sabunutan ka kasi. or at best, baka mandiri sa yo. ang bilat na to. asa ka pa. yan naman lagi ang kinatatakutan ko. na pag nalaman ng isang bading na may gusto ako sa kanya, biglang magsi-angatan ang mga anti-female firewalls sa paligid nya at hindi na ko kibuin forever.
sa mahabang history ko ba naman ng hopeless cases, you'd think i'd learn the lesson.
parang inimbento yata ang term na "fag hag" para sa kin. ahay, bwiset. ewan ko ba kung anong charm meron sila. kung anong aura ba ang umaalingasaw sa mga yan, bukod sa kalangsahan. sorry ha, hindi ako bitter. i'm the farthest from bitter. pero alas-dos na kasi ng umaga at katatapos ko lang mag-"research".
so balik tayo sa prenster at kung anong mga nadiskubre ko don tungkol kay Direk. the one who would've been Perfect in another time and place, my current Epitome of Everything I've Wanted to Love in a Guy. who happens to be gay. ang sakit no. pero masakit lang pakinggan, dahil sa totoo lang, nakakatawa sya.
natuwa ako hindi lang dahil sa mga piktyurs, kundi dahil may blog din sya. wow, sabi ko. didn't i just say earlier (to myself lang naman) na pag nagkaroon ako ng chance, i'd love to sit down with him and pick his brains? what makes this "stalwart" tick? what is he made of? little thingies, little factbites, that you'd get simply by listening to him speak. pero eto na, may blog na sa harap ko. hindi ko na kelangan ng one-on-one interview. unless lang gusto kong makipagchikahan at gawin syang friend. na alam nating hindi ko kakayanin sa ngayon.
teka, flashback tayo to yesterday. i stumbled upon someone's blog. a girl, thirtyish, hindi naman kachakahan, mukha namang career-oriented person with a good head on her shoulders, pouring her heart out about her history of unrequited love for, what do you know, Direk himself. sa 31 years daw nyang inilagi sa mundo once pa lang daw sya na-in love, at yun ay si you-know-who. shocking! how silly of me to have thought na walang ibang nakakakita (o nakakita, at makakakita) ng nakikita ko. mapa-lalake man o babae. understandable na ang lalake at bading, pero babae? aba, hindi lang pala ako ang may kakrung-krungan pagdating sa mga bagay na ganito. nang tinanong nya sa blog nya kung bakit lagi syang nahuhulog sa mga taong hindi nya makukuha, kung bakit pinipili nyang pahirapan ang sarili nya in a way na hindi nya sinasadya, para kong naririnig ang sarili ko. letse. akala ko pa naman unique ako. akala ko pa naman maso-solo ko na ang titulo bilang Nag-Iisang Krung-Krung Over Direk. eh medyo nabubuhay pala ako sa sarili kong mundo. friends might say that i have horrible taste when it comes to men but maybe this time around may rason ako para, erm, mabighani. hahahaha.
hay, dyosko.
back to present time. habang binabasa ko ang blog nya, barrage of information ang nangyayari sa barndoors ng utak ko. apart from that, lalo nya kong napapahanga. dahil yung mga entries nya, although written in a conversational manner, sparkling pa rin. sparkling with insight, humor, unassuming sincerity. he writes with such ease, with such natural grace, hindi mo mamamalayan natatawa ka na pala nang malakas, o nauubos na pala ang oras. para san pa't hall-of-famer sya ng p@lanca, sabi ko sa sarili ko, pero beyond the titles and the awards, he was, without question, a real writer. someone who, when he writes, bonds with his readers, draws them in. by being himself. using vernacular language. no pretensions. no affected rhetorics. raw, conversational chika. with a punchline or two seamlessly thrown in, every once in a while.
putcha. i-dissect ba ang writing style ng isang taong malamang eh nagkukwento lang? katawa. stalwart ba kamo? yung mga nabasa ko, taong-tao ang gumawa. isang taong makaka-relate ka, matatawa ka, at malamang eh inclined kang tratuhing kaibigan. may mga writers palang likeable at may rapport sa readers nila. considering na hindi "live" at face-to-face ang komunikasyon between writer and reader, nakakatuwang isipin na posible pala yun.
so nasa punto na siguro ako na parang feeling ko naiinlab na ko sa kanya nang biglang bumulaga sa kin ang ilang, erm, bold confessions tungkol sa kanyang personal life. okay. sparkling, inspired writing pa rin, insightful at nakakatawa. pero nung nagkukwento na sya tungkol sa mga ex-boyfriends nya, at sa mga kung anik-anik pang ka-pechayan na may kinalaman sa kabadingan, natatawa ako na gusto ring maiyak. aray ko, direk, panira ka naman ng ilusyon e. malapit ko nang paniwalain ang sarili ko sa isang imaheng ikaw-na-hindi-ikaw. kahit kababawang crush lang na naturingan eh nakakalungkot din naman pala. ilang buwan nga ba kong nagdaan sa paulit-ulit na cycle ng inspirasyon/disilusyon nung si Frog Princess pa ang pinepedestal ko. masakit yun, kasi sineryoso ko. masakit yun, kasi intense, at dahil nabubuhay ako sa happiness na nakukuha ko sa isang maliit na ilusyon (teka, baka naman hindi sya out-and-out na bading, baka naman may pag-asa, kahit papano...hahahaha ewan ko sa sarili ko!) each time reality would clobber me on the head, i would always be bleeding.
naku, naisip ko. parang ayoko na yatang pagdaananan ang ganon. di bale na lang, hindi ko na ie-encourage ang umuusbong na kabaliwang ito. walong araw ko pa syang makakatrabaho. kelangang maging emotionally stable para magawa ang dapat gawin. at emotionally detached. because the alternative option just might bring me more frustration than inspiration.
wasn't it just hours ago when i'd resolved to go back to loving the unattainable-by-default, because i'd thought it would be emotionally safer? pano yan, ganon din naman yata. magmahal ka ng straight, masasaktan ka. magmahal ka ng bading, masasaktan ka pa rin. wala naman yatang safe sa buhay na to. laging may risks. and most of the time, sa kaso ko, kung hindi ako disappointed, frustrated naman ako. aba, eh pwede bang maging tibo na lang, baka sakaling maiba-iba naman ang storya, baka maging happy ending pa?
aaah! damn nature. men will be men and gays will be gays. and girls like me are doomed to love either of the two. haha. nakakatawang-nakakaiyak. na nakakaloka din, sa totoo lang.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Friday, September 29, 2006
stalwart-struck
September 25, Monday.
Day 1 of 10 (shooting) days for a new film. I'm back to Script Girl mode--timer, pen, digicam, and beltbag-of-goodies around my waist--for a "sampu-sampu" (parang "pito-pito" noon ni M0ther L1ly!) movie about some catastrophe that happened in the Visayas one year ago. the past two projects had seen a little of jaded-laborer me, but i decided that for this new one, i'm goin back to what got me excited about this line of job, from the very beginning.
the adventure. the great outdoors. the chasing of goats, the sailing of boats, the fleshing out of a movie from written words to moving images. and all that jazz.
so Day 1 took me to a new place for the first time--the little sub-rural village of San Jose del Monte, Bulacan, 4 hours away from Manila. it was basically the same group of workers from the last project, but Day 1 would always see people--no matter how familiar they are with each other--adjusting to the whole Day One shenanigan, especially with a new direk, and a new cast.
i'd been forewarned by the people around me that the (Diamond) Star of the Movie was going to be a handful, what with her status and all (if it's Ang3l L0csin herself, of all people, who would give you pointers on how to handle diva-esque stars like this, hindi ka ba mate-tense?! dear girl, wasn't i nice to you back then?). thank god i wasn't the one assigned to directly deal with her. and so at 10 am everyone from crew to staff was all set to roll, but the Star still wasn't anywhere in sight.
when she did appear, though, the persona she showed us was quite different from what i'd been warned of. much petite in real life than on TV, she wasn't quite as intimidating as i'd expected. and she was in a good mood althroughout. that was what the special treatment was for, anyway--an aircon tent all to herself, a bouquet of flowers welcoming her in her private nook, a smiling uber-polite, uber-careful staff and crew. hahay. amazing how this industry's star-driven system could hinge or unhinge depending on the mood of one artista.
it's the direk's first time to make a feature-length on 35mm film (his previous works were shot on digital camera, some were made-for-tv), and from a script that he also wrote. writer-director. auteur was what they called it in the film books. i'm a bit in awe of him. a bit outrageously in awe, actually, to the point of, erm, secret adulation. haha. eh kasi naman. back in 1999, a much esteemed professor of mine had described this direk (who was still just a writer at that time) as a "screenwriting stalwart". hwow. nakakatawa, kasi sa apat na taon ko sa industriya marami na rin naman akong na-meet na supposed "stalwarts" (yung tipong mga personahe na pinapag-aralan lang namin noon sa eskwela),pero hindi naman ako na-starstruck. o stalwart-struck. bat ngayon na-shy ako bigla.
maybe because i wasn't expecting this particular "stalwart" to be, ehem, cute.
hahaha. ok, eto na naman tayo.
cute, tsaka cool. cool in the sense na hindi sya imposing presence, given that he's someone who, at a relatively young age, is hall-of-famer na ng p@lanca (uh-oh. giveaway na. ilan lang ba ang bagets na hall-of-famers don?). and for his age and status, he surprisingly carries himself with such youthful...grace. haha. grace is a good term to use. grace in quirky, cool fashion.
so finally nahanap ko na ang isang personahe na pwedeng ipantapat ke Frog Princess. aba! lumelebel. because for the longest time, Frog Princess has been the epitome of all i've ever wanted to love in a guy. well, except yung pagka-bading nya (which, comically, makes all the friggin difference). but one of my recurring realizations when it comes to the stuff of fluff is that each time I fall for someone i'd be so convinced that it's the Real Thing. "Ito" na. "Sya" na. only to realize later na hindi pala. lilipas din pala.
and eventually every case would be relegated to the archives section. o mako-contain na lang sa isang time capsule. for future reference, for the sake of memories.
so figuratively speaking ipinapasa na ni Frog Princess ang korona at kapa sa bagong imaheng ito as my Updated Version of the Ideal Guy. mas Ideal pa nga sya kesa sa kanyang predecessor, dahil si Frog Princess, hindi naman hall-of-famer. haha. ewan ko ba, there's a certain attractiveness to someone who is inarguably talented, accomplished and successful in the field that i'm in, at an age na hindi pa sya amoy-lupa o sandamukal na ang apo at apo-sa-tuhod. kaya in awe ako. stalwart-struck. happy for the chance to work closely with a rising luminary of contemporary pinoy cinema.
naks. nako eto na naman tayo. but passing fancies like these would, of course, only be good for as long as the person would be in sight. and i have a mere eight days for that. eight days would be safe enough to keep me from going on "intense" mode again. argh, hellish.
by the way, bading pala sya. nasabi ko na yata yon in a previous entry. tragicomic, because my record hasn't been broken. para bang invisible item in the "He-Must-Be" checklist. he-must-be-gay. haha. tragicomic, kasi hindi ko naman sinasadya. lagi-lagi lang nagkakataon.
umulan nang malakas on Day 1, so the shoot was unexpectedly wrapped early. but it was a relatively good day. but there were 9 days to go still.
September 26, Tuesday.
Day 2 of 10 days. Location was in Boso-Boso, Antipolo, wilderness of some sort where cellphone signals were literally nonexistent, as far as Globe is concerned. argh. tougher day than Day 1. like the protagonists in our movie we were all at the mercy of the elements (pag umulan, tengga ang shoot, dahil exteriors ang karamihan ng eksena). thank god the heavens were smiling on us most of the time. plus the fact that the direk was relatively faster than most first-time direks i'd worked with. we packed up the shoot at 2 am, with every scene in the shooting schedule completed.
no problems with the Star at all. she was in her best behavior. at one point she told me good-naturedly, "Kakarampot ka rin ano?" referring to my petite size. "Sinong mas matangkad sa ting dalawa?" and then she launched on a detailed account of how she got herself in shape for the role. haha. that was cute. you develop more patience for these kinds of small talk, if that's what it takes to keep certain people happy. weehoo. crazy starstruck system. :-)
hay. on my toes, always. as i should always be. 8 more days to go. on Day 2 i'd managed to take solo pictures of nearly everyone in the staff, but i couldn't summon enough guts to openly take a snapshot of the direk. hehe. like how i couldn't summon enough guts to hug the frog princess goodbye when our show ended some months ago. or send an innocent "musta?" msg to someone else, some weeks before.
keyword: malisya. ehe. i'm a bad actress in real life. most of the time.
and a pattern freak, too. i crave for variety in certain aspects of my life but when it comes to the fluff, i repeat my history over and over and over again. so meron na namang makakatanggap ng "Sayang Ka Siztah" award this year. hay. paulit-ulit na lang, paiba-iba lang ang screen name. how many times am i gonna say that.
at least. at this stage, mas safe na to kesa sa mga "risque" cases. yung mga tipong pwedeng i-reciprocate ang affections mo. dahil sa mga kasong pwedeng ma-reciprocate, most of the time it's a question of how long they would be able to, if they actually would. or could. i've discovered enough about myself to know that i'm not the type who would settle for something half-baked and temporary, when it comes to the so-called fluff life. ganon e. kahit gustuhin ko man di talaga kakayanin. i'm too intense for frivolous stuff, an all-or-nothing nutcase.
on the morning of Day 1 i knew that i was saying ta-ta--all too happily, perhaps--to a chapterette in my life. for the past three weeks it took all of my self-restraint to remain on the passive end--despite the internal tumult, the moments of torturous cognitive dissonance, the denial and the self-berating. there were "triumphant" moments though, for the female pride, at least. at least the choice had been mine. i stuck to my principles, kahit masama ang loob. kahit na nagrebelde ang buong pagkatao ko sa mga hindi ko sinabi at hindi ko ginawa. because my mind told me--and the minds of other level-headed friends as well--that it was the right thing to do. and it was. is.
on that morning, though, i found myself initiating the perfect bookend to close an anomalous case. it had been shallow, ingenue-ish, anyway. hayskul ito. aminado naman akong may pagka-retarded ang EQ ko pagdating sa mga ganyan, pero hindi ko talaga masikmura ang kasong ito. i hated the experience. of going through certain emotions against my will. despite all indicators that it would be emotionally unhealthy. and that i wasn't just being paranod or pessimistic this time. god knew how long i'd waited for answers to a multitude of questions. but sometimes the answers to our questions would be right in front of us and still we couldn't recognize them.
conditioning. pavlov style. you get used to something, when it's taken away from you, you feel as though something has been taken away from you as well. it was a stupid reaction, but for someone retarded-in-that-aspect like me, it was probably an average reaction of the neurotic non-normal girl. i don't know if it was intentional on the other person's part. i brave an educated guess that it wasn't. which hurt more than the other option.
but that was weeks ago, and i'm starting to feel like it was eons ago. it's a process towards indifference, and pavlov's dogs did go through reverse-conditioning, too. on that morning, though, the morning of the start of a new adventure that would take my mind off things, i felt the urge to do something that i'd managed to avoid doing. i took the initiative. for the sake of catharsis. and peace of mind. and a fitting friggin bookend.
press send.
it had been a "safe" feeler, and i got my answer, a few hours later. the same old dolled-up nothings. nothing new. but this time around i drove the stake through the heart of the matter. with a short reply that carried a wealth of subliminal meanings for me. and that was when i think i finally drove the message home.
anong ginagawa mo? i was asked, in suspiciously frilly language.
i replied: shooting
terse, one-word, with no punctuation. ah. the subtext in txt. i've no time for this. i don't want to have time for this. i'm knee-deep in my own world. get friggin lost.
something that could be pretty much left unreplied to.
a moment later, the reply came.
ah ok di na kita iistorbohin, in the same iffy "landi" language.
and that was the end of that. the bookend. the message hit home. even if, at that moment, i had wanted to say other things. i had wanted to keep the exchange going, for a million "taboo" reasons that i didn't want to admit to myself. pero enough na. i'd been saying that to me for the longest time now. you'll recognize a pattern as you breeze through each and every case. that's what the archives section is for, for me to go back to and recall previous cases, para ma-apply sa kasulukuyan. i'd been through this before, and i learned my lesson.
what did oprah say, anyway. if someone really wanted you, nothing could keep him away. and in a point-by-point analysis of the matter, the person failed miserably. which could only mean that the "risque" in this case is not worth the risk.
what was i thinking anyway.
and so i'm back to the safe ideals. the ones who could've been Perfect in another time and place. the hall-of-famers. the ones to put on pedestals. the ones who are unattainable by default, but adored just the same. it will keep me smiling and stable for the moment, and for the moment that's all i need to be able to focus on other things.
it's a long life ahead, still. beyond being stalwart-struck, beyond living through the current adventure, i want to think i'm bound to live through more exciting times. more happy, interesting things to happen in bigger worlds. bright new progressive outcomes. and i'm going to write it all here.
the direk is an inspiration. we came from different backgrounds, maybe even want different things, but he inspires me. in more ways than one. hahi. klosetang pechay ito.
Day 1 of 10 (shooting) days for a new film. I'm back to Script Girl mode--timer, pen, digicam, and beltbag-of-goodies around my waist--for a "sampu-sampu" (parang "pito-pito" noon ni M0ther L1ly!) movie about some catastrophe that happened in the Visayas one year ago. the past two projects had seen a little of jaded-laborer me, but i decided that for this new one, i'm goin back to what got me excited about this line of job, from the very beginning.
the adventure. the great outdoors. the chasing of goats, the sailing of boats, the fleshing out of a movie from written words to moving images. and all that jazz.
so Day 1 took me to a new place for the first time--the little sub-rural village of San Jose del Monte, Bulacan, 4 hours away from Manila. it was basically the same group of workers from the last project, but Day 1 would always see people--no matter how familiar they are with each other--adjusting to the whole Day One shenanigan, especially with a new direk, and a new cast.
i'd been forewarned by the people around me that the (Diamond) Star of the Movie was going to be a handful, what with her status and all (if it's Ang3l L0csin herself, of all people, who would give you pointers on how to handle diva-esque stars like this, hindi ka ba mate-tense?! dear girl, wasn't i nice to you back then?). thank god i wasn't the one assigned to directly deal with her. and so at 10 am everyone from crew to staff was all set to roll, but the Star still wasn't anywhere in sight.
when she did appear, though, the persona she showed us was quite different from what i'd been warned of. much petite in real life than on TV, she wasn't quite as intimidating as i'd expected. and she was in a good mood althroughout. that was what the special treatment was for, anyway--an aircon tent all to herself, a bouquet of flowers welcoming her in her private nook, a smiling uber-polite, uber-careful staff and crew. hahay. amazing how this industry's star-driven system could hinge or unhinge depending on the mood of one artista.
it's the direk's first time to make a feature-length on 35mm film (his previous works were shot on digital camera, some were made-for-tv), and from a script that he also wrote. writer-director. auteur was what they called it in the film books. i'm a bit in awe of him. a bit outrageously in awe, actually, to the point of, erm, secret adulation. haha. eh kasi naman. back in 1999, a much esteemed professor of mine had described this direk (who was still just a writer at that time) as a "screenwriting stalwart". hwow. nakakatawa, kasi sa apat na taon ko sa industriya marami na rin naman akong na-meet na supposed "stalwarts" (yung tipong mga personahe na pinapag-aralan lang namin noon sa eskwela),pero hindi naman ako na-starstruck. o stalwart-struck. bat ngayon na-shy ako bigla.
maybe because i wasn't expecting this particular "stalwart" to be, ehem, cute.
hahaha. ok, eto na naman tayo.
cute, tsaka cool. cool in the sense na hindi sya imposing presence, given that he's someone who, at a relatively young age, is hall-of-famer na ng p@lanca (uh-oh. giveaway na. ilan lang ba ang bagets na hall-of-famers don?). and for his age and status, he surprisingly carries himself with such youthful...grace. haha. grace is a good term to use. grace in quirky, cool fashion.
so finally nahanap ko na ang isang personahe na pwedeng ipantapat ke Frog Princess. aba! lumelebel. because for the longest time, Frog Princess has been the epitome of all i've ever wanted to love in a guy. well, except yung pagka-bading nya (which, comically, makes all the friggin difference). but one of my recurring realizations when it comes to the stuff of fluff is that each time I fall for someone i'd be so convinced that it's the Real Thing. "Ito" na. "Sya" na. only to realize later na hindi pala. lilipas din pala.
and eventually every case would be relegated to the archives section. o mako-contain na lang sa isang time capsule. for future reference, for the sake of memories.
so figuratively speaking ipinapasa na ni Frog Princess ang korona at kapa sa bagong imaheng ito as my Updated Version of the Ideal Guy. mas Ideal pa nga sya kesa sa kanyang predecessor, dahil si Frog Princess, hindi naman hall-of-famer. haha. ewan ko ba, there's a certain attractiveness to someone who is inarguably talented, accomplished and successful in the field that i'm in, at an age na hindi pa sya amoy-lupa o sandamukal na ang apo at apo-sa-tuhod. kaya in awe ako. stalwart-struck. happy for the chance to work closely with a rising luminary of contemporary pinoy cinema.
naks. nako eto na naman tayo. but passing fancies like these would, of course, only be good for as long as the person would be in sight. and i have a mere eight days for that. eight days would be safe enough to keep me from going on "intense" mode again. argh, hellish.
by the way, bading pala sya. nasabi ko na yata yon in a previous entry. tragicomic, because my record hasn't been broken. para bang invisible item in the "He-Must-Be" checklist. he-must-be-gay. haha. tragicomic, kasi hindi ko naman sinasadya. lagi-lagi lang nagkakataon.
umulan nang malakas on Day 1, so the shoot was unexpectedly wrapped early. but it was a relatively good day. but there were 9 days to go still.
September 26, Tuesday.
Day 2 of 10 days. Location was in Boso-Boso, Antipolo, wilderness of some sort where cellphone signals were literally nonexistent, as far as Globe is concerned. argh. tougher day than Day 1. like the protagonists in our movie we were all at the mercy of the elements (pag umulan, tengga ang shoot, dahil exteriors ang karamihan ng eksena). thank god the heavens were smiling on us most of the time. plus the fact that the direk was relatively faster than most first-time direks i'd worked with. we packed up the shoot at 2 am, with every scene in the shooting schedule completed.
no problems with the Star at all. she was in her best behavior. at one point she told me good-naturedly, "Kakarampot ka rin ano?" referring to my petite size. "Sinong mas matangkad sa ting dalawa?" and then she launched on a detailed account of how she got herself in shape for the role. haha. that was cute. you develop more patience for these kinds of small talk, if that's what it takes to keep certain people happy. weehoo. crazy starstruck system. :-)
hay. on my toes, always. as i should always be. 8 more days to go. on Day 2 i'd managed to take solo pictures of nearly everyone in the staff, but i couldn't summon enough guts to openly take a snapshot of the direk. hehe. like how i couldn't summon enough guts to hug the frog princess goodbye when our show ended some months ago. or send an innocent "musta?" msg to someone else, some weeks before.
keyword: malisya. ehe. i'm a bad actress in real life. most of the time.
and a pattern freak, too. i crave for variety in certain aspects of my life but when it comes to the fluff, i repeat my history over and over and over again. so meron na namang makakatanggap ng "Sayang Ka Siztah" award this year. hay. paulit-ulit na lang, paiba-iba lang ang screen name. how many times am i gonna say that.
at least. at this stage, mas safe na to kesa sa mga "risque" cases. yung mga tipong pwedeng i-reciprocate ang affections mo. dahil sa mga kasong pwedeng ma-reciprocate, most of the time it's a question of how long they would be able to, if they actually would. or could. i've discovered enough about myself to know that i'm not the type who would settle for something half-baked and temporary, when it comes to the so-called fluff life. ganon e. kahit gustuhin ko man di talaga kakayanin. i'm too intense for frivolous stuff, an all-or-nothing nutcase.
on the morning of Day 1 i knew that i was saying ta-ta--all too happily, perhaps--to a chapterette in my life. for the past three weeks it took all of my self-restraint to remain on the passive end--despite the internal tumult, the moments of torturous cognitive dissonance, the denial and the self-berating. there were "triumphant" moments though, for the female pride, at least. at least the choice had been mine. i stuck to my principles, kahit masama ang loob. kahit na nagrebelde ang buong pagkatao ko sa mga hindi ko sinabi at hindi ko ginawa. because my mind told me--and the minds of other level-headed friends as well--that it was the right thing to do. and it was. is.
on that morning, though, i found myself initiating the perfect bookend to close an anomalous case. it had been shallow, ingenue-ish, anyway. hayskul ito. aminado naman akong may pagka-retarded ang EQ ko pagdating sa mga ganyan, pero hindi ko talaga masikmura ang kasong ito. i hated the experience. of going through certain emotions against my will. despite all indicators that it would be emotionally unhealthy. and that i wasn't just being paranod or pessimistic this time. god knew how long i'd waited for answers to a multitude of questions. but sometimes the answers to our questions would be right in front of us and still we couldn't recognize them.
conditioning. pavlov style. you get used to something, when it's taken away from you, you feel as though something has been taken away from you as well. it was a stupid reaction, but for someone retarded-in-that-aspect like me, it was probably an average reaction of the neurotic non-normal girl. i don't know if it was intentional on the other person's part. i brave an educated guess that it wasn't. which hurt more than the other option.
but that was weeks ago, and i'm starting to feel like it was eons ago. it's a process towards indifference, and pavlov's dogs did go through reverse-conditioning, too. on that morning, though, the morning of the start of a new adventure that would take my mind off things, i felt the urge to do something that i'd managed to avoid doing. i took the initiative. for the sake of catharsis. and peace of mind. and a fitting friggin bookend.
press send.
it had been a "safe" feeler, and i got my answer, a few hours later. the same old dolled-up nothings. nothing new. but this time around i drove the stake through the heart of the matter. with a short reply that carried a wealth of subliminal meanings for me. and that was when i think i finally drove the message home.
anong ginagawa mo? i was asked, in suspiciously frilly language.
i replied: shooting
terse, one-word, with no punctuation. ah. the subtext in txt. i've no time for this. i don't want to have time for this. i'm knee-deep in my own world. get friggin lost.
something that could be pretty much left unreplied to.
a moment later, the reply came.
ah ok di na kita iistorbohin, in the same iffy "landi" language.
and that was the end of that. the bookend. the message hit home. even if, at that moment, i had wanted to say other things. i had wanted to keep the exchange going, for a million "taboo" reasons that i didn't want to admit to myself. pero enough na. i'd been saying that to me for the longest time now. you'll recognize a pattern as you breeze through each and every case. that's what the archives section is for, for me to go back to and recall previous cases, para ma-apply sa kasulukuyan. i'd been through this before, and i learned my lesson.
what did oprah say, anyway. if someone really wanted you, nothing could keep him away. and in a point-by-point analysis of the matter, the person failed miserably. which could only mean that the "risque" in this case is not worth the risk.
what was i thinking anyway.
and so i'm back to the safe ideals. the ones who could've been Perfect in another time and place. the hall-of-famers. the ones to put on pedestals. the ones who are unattainable by default, but adored just the same. it will keep me smiling and stable for the moment, and for the moment that's all i need to be able to focus on other things.
it's a long life ahead, still. beyond being stalwart-struck, beyond living through the current adventure, i want to think i'm bound to live through more exciting times. more happy, interesting things to happen in bigger worlds. bright new progressive outcomes. and i'm going to write it all here.
the direk is an inspiration. we came from different backgrounds, maybe even want different things, but he inspires me. in more ways than one. hahi. klosetang pechay ito.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
frogs will be frogs
a friend is going through her dreariest hours right now. so she said.
bwiset, kasi napaka-predictable ng dahilan. ano pa nga bang makapagpapaiyak sa isang babae nang ganon ganon na lang kundi love. ang mga lalake naman, wala-wala lang sa kanila yon. siguro mas "legitimate" umiyak for other reasons. family. dreams. health. yung mga nagugutom sa bosnia or where-have-you. pero nakakainis isipin na pwede kang maiyak dahil sa love. na hindi rin naman pala talaga love, you will eventually realize. akala mo napakabigat na bagay na, pero lumilipas din. at pag dumating ang panahon na lumipas na, matatawa ka na lang.
yun ang sinasabi ko sa kanya. but i wouldn't know how it is to be in her shoes. the a-hole who broke her heart had taken more than just her seemingly-undying fancies. nag-take advantage ang gago. knock on wood, hindi ko alam kung pano mapunta sa ganong sitwasyon.
well, this a-hole, she has just learned, apparently wanted to sleep with one of our friends. indecent proposal ang tema ng eksenang ito. nasaktan ang kaibigan ko. of all people, bakit yung kaibigan pa nya? bastusan na ba ito?
ganon e. lalake e. pardon the generalization. but the only ones left who wouldn't go the cheap-and-lowdown route are either gay or taken. and some gays are even like that, as well. so what's a girl to do.
"hindi kaya tayo ang para talaga sa isa't isa?" my friend asked me in the middle of our text-versation. i wanted to laugh. out loud. kung pwede lang sanang maging tibo na lang, di ba. but nature is what you really are. how can you possibly go against that.
bwiset, kasi napaka-predictable ng dahilan. ano pa nga bang makapagpapaiyak sa isang babae nang ganon ganon na lang kundi love. ang mga lalake naman, wala-wala lang sa kanila yon. siguro mas "legitimate" umiyak for other reasons. family. dreams. health. yung mga nagugutom sa bosnia or where-have-you. pero nakakainis isipin na pwede kang maiyak dahil sa love. na hindi rin naman pala talaga love, you will eventually realize. akala mo napakabigat na bagay na, pero lumilipas din. at pag dumating ang panahon na lumipas na, matatawa ka na lang.
yun ang sinasabi ko sa kanya. but i wouldn't know how it is to be in her shoes. the a-hole who broke her heart had taken more than just her seemingly-undying fancies. nag-take advantage ang gago. knock on wood, hindi ko alam kung pano mapunta sa ganong sitwasyon.
well, this a-hole, she has just learned, apparently wanted to sleep with one of our friends. indecent proposal ang tema ng eksenang ito. nasaktan ang kaibigan ko. of all people, bakit yung kaibigan pa nya? bastusan na ba ito?
ganon e. lalake e. pardon the generalization. but the only ones left who wouldn't go the cheap-and-lowdown route are either gay or taken. and some gays are even like that, as well. so what's a girl to do.
"hindi kaya tayo ang para talaga sa isa't isa?" my friend asked me in the middle of our text-versation. i wanted to laugh. out loud. kung pwede lang sanang maging tibo na lang, di ba. but nature is what you really are. how can you possibly go against that.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
rainy nights and mondays (parang may nasulat na kong entry na ganito)
masama ang pakiramdam ko. physically. for the past three days i've been waking up to a dull throbbing ache at the back of my head. nung una nawawala naman sya nang kusa sa paghinog ng araw. but lately the dull ache has been manifesting itself throughout the day, if i would move my head a certain way. or linger on a certain thought.
hindi naman sya psychosomatic. cause the pain is real. ewan ko. sometimes pain is all in the mind. like most else. pero natakot ako bigla. kasi naisip ko ring bigla na ayoko pang mamatay. heheh.
i hope the ache goes away, eventually. lahat naman lumilipas di ba. otherwise, ready na kong gumawa ng list of things-to-do-before-i-die. masaya yon. i'll write it here and document the progress, with what little time i'd have left. sampu sa listahang yon ang "good", sampu ang "bad".
awryt.
* * *
masaya-saya rin naman ang araw ko kahapon. kesa nung linggo. o nung sabado. o nung ilang mga nakaraang araw. nag-test shoot kami ng miniature landslide sa isang studio. reenactment of the leyt3 tragedy last december. isang five-time palanc@ winner ang direktor namin. bigatin, ano. and to think na bagets na bagets ang dating nya. crush ko na nga sya e--just the right height, just the right skin color, just the right in-between kind of handsomeness, just the right credentials. kaso bading sya. ehe. tama na. gusto ko na ngang magbagong buhay at lubayan na ang mga malalangsa.
* * *
crisis. i was tempted to use that word. because a point comes when you start asking all these existential/pseudo-existential questions. when everything seems questionable. pero, nah. wag na nating isipin. ang mahalaga alam mo ang gusto mo. at alam mo kung anong gusto mo pang makuha. at kung pano kunin yon.
aksyon. yun na lang ang kulang, girl. aksyon.
* * *
22nd. balik na naman sa dating gawi.
siguro matatapos na kami mag-shoot by first week of october. and by then, pwede ko nang balikan ang gusto kong tapusin. para pwede ko na syang simulan by december. dahil sa december, hindi pwedeng hindi.
kung nasan ang pulso, yun ang sundin mo.
* * *
masakit isipin. na naapektuhan ako. nung nabasa ko yung isang blog ng isang kakilala, kung san naglalabas din sya ng angst tungkol sa isang bagay na kinamumuhian ko talaga sa ngayon. kinamumuhian ko dahil mababaw. ah hindi, hindi ko sya kinamumuhian dahil sa kababawan nya, kundi dahil naturingang mababaw eh nakakasakit pa. bwiset! hindi naman ako binuhay para lang sa mga ganyang bagay. wala namang taong binuhay para lang sa mga ganyang bagay.
"Ang nakakatawa, ipinalabas na ng maraming beses sa pelikula at soap opera ang iba’t ibang posibleng mangyari kapag umibig ka. Hindi ka pa rin matuto. Ang dami ng formula, pero walang makatumbok sa sitwasyon mo. Ano ang problema? Yung hindi sinasabi ang totoong feelings sa taong gusto na hindi akalaing may gusto din pala. Hindi magkaintindihan dahil assume ng assume, o kaya, ayaw mag-assume. Ayaw kulayan ang mga eksena na kaduda-duda. O ang masaklap, ayaw ng isa sa isa. Dito tumutubo ang isang taong dramaserye.
E talagang pagdating diyan, walang saling ketket. Lahat natataya. Minsan kahit kayo na, talo ka pa rin. May mga mang-aagaw, mga mandurugas. Hindi lahat naglalaro ng patas. Hindi lahat ng rules e sinusunod. E hindi pa malinaw ang mga batas. Walang mananalo dito. Pikon, talo. Mahina dumiskarte, talo. Mabagal kumilos, talo. Malabong kausap, talo. Masyadong mabilis, talo. Prangka, talo. Pasensyoso, talo."
para kong naririnig ang sarili ko. but i couldn't have said it better.
hindi lang naman pala ako ang may tendency na mag-gravitate sa mga kababawang ganyan. pero bwiset pa rin. because fluff is supposed to be a pleasant diversion from life's more essential concerns. yun lang dapat ang purpose nya sa buhay ko.
ironic. kasi hindi lahat ng "dapat" sa buhay na to eh natutupad. ang dapat na extra lang sa buhay mo, biglang mapo-promote sa starring role in one crazy long-drawn sequence. unfair. gayong alam mo namang walk-in lang ang role mo sa buhay ng taong to. baka nga wala pang speaking lines. or at best, cameo ka lang. special participation, kumbaga.
hay. lumang storya na e. tama nga yung isang blogger, gasgas na yang plot na yan sa mga teleserye. iniiba-iba lang ang pangalan ng mga characters. think out of the box naman tayo paminsan-minsan, pwede. nakakapurga na e. wag na lang, give up na ko. how can people go against their real nature? hindi yata posible. mas mabuti pang i-accept na lang ang realidad. frogs will always be frogs and princesses will always be princesses. para wala nang sakit ng ulo. para wala nang taong walking-teleserye.
hay. sumasakit na naman ang ulo ko. parang gumagapang na yung kirot mula batok pataas.
hindi naman sya psychosomatic. cause the pain is real. ewan ko. sometimes pain is all in the mind. like most else. pero natakot ako bigla. kasi naisip ko ring bigla na ayoko pang mamatay. heheh.
i hope the ache goes away, eventually. lahat naman lumilipas di ba. otherwise, ready na kong gumawa ng list of things-to-do-before-i-die. masaya yon. i'll write it here and document the progress, with what little time i'd have left. sampu sa listahang yon ang "good", sampu ang "bad".
awryt.
* * *
masaya-saya rin naman ang araw ko kahapon. kesa nung linggo. o nung sabado. o nung ilang mga nakaraang araw. nag-test shoot kami ng miniature landslide sa isang studio. reenactment of the leyt3 tragedy last december. isang five-time palanc@ winner ang direktor namin. bigatin, ano. and to think na bagets na bagets ang dating nya. crush ko na nga sya e--just the right height, just the right skin color, just the right in-between kind of handsomeness, just the right credentials. kaso bading sya. ehe. tama na. gusto ko na ngang magbagong buhay at lubayan na ang mga malalangsa.
* * *
crisis. i was tempted to use that word. because a point comes when you start asking all these existential/pseudo-existential questions. when everything seems questionable. pero, nah. wag na nating isipin. ang mahalaga alam mo ang gusto mo. at alam mo kung anong gusto mo pang makuha. at kung pano kunin yon.
aksyon. yun na lang ang kulang, girl. aksyon.
* * *
22nd. balik na naman sa dating gawi.
siguro matatapos na kami mag-shoot by first week of october. and by then, pwede ko nang balikan ang gusto kong tapusin. para pwede ko na syang simulan by december. dahil sa december, hindi pwedeng hindi.
kung nasan ang pulso, yun ang sundin mo.
* * *
masakit isipin. na naapektuhan ako. nung nabasa ko yung isang blog ng isang kakilala, kung san naglalabas din sya ng angst tungkol sa isang bagay na kinamumuhian ko talaga sa ngayon. kinamumuhian ko dahil mababaw. ah hindi, hindi ko sya kinamumuhian dahil sa kababawan nya, kundi dahil naturingang mababaw eh nakakasakit pa. bwiset! hindi naman ako binuhay para lang sa mga ganyang bagay. wala namang taong binuhay para lang sa mga ganyang bagay.
"Ang nakakatawa, ipinalabas na ng maraming beses sa pelikula at soap opera ang iba’t ibang posibleng mangyari kapag umibig ka. Hindi ka pa rin matuto. Ang dami ng formula, pero walang makatumbok sa sitwasyon mo. Ano ang problema? Yung hindi sinasabi ang totoong feelings sa taong gusto na hindi akalaing may gusto din pala. Hindi magkaintindihan dahil assume ng assume, o kaya, ayaw mag-assume. Ayaw kulayan ang mga eksena na kaduda-duda. O ang masaklap, ayaw ng isa sa isa. Dito tumutubo ang isang taong dramaserye.
E talagang pagdating diyan, walang saling ketket. Lahat natataya. Minsan kahit kayo na, talo ka pa rin. May mga mang-aagaw, mga mandurugas. Hindi lahat naglalaro ng patas. Hindi lahat ng rules e sinusunod. E hindi pa malinaw ang mga batas. Walang mananalo dito. Pikon, talo. Mahina dumiskarte, talo. Mabagal kumilos, talo. Malabong kausap, talo. Masyadong mabilis, talo. Prangka, talo. Pasensyoso, talo."
para kong naririnig ang sarili ko. but i couldn't have said it better.
hindi lang naman pala ako ang may tendency na mag-gravitate sa mga kababawang ganyan. pero bwiset pa rin. because fluff is supposed to be a pleasant diversion from life's more essential concerns. yun lang dapat ang purpose nya sa buhay ko.
ironic. kasi hindi lahat ng "dapat" sa buhay na to eh natutupad. ang dapat na extra lang sa buhay mo, biglang mapo-promote sa starring role in one crazy long-drawn sequence. unfair. gayong alam mo namang walk-in lang ang role mo sa buhay ng taong to. baka nga wala pang speaking lines. or at best, cameo ka lang. special participation, kumbaga.
hay. lumang storya na e. tama nga yung isang blogger, gasgas na yang plot na yan sa mga teleserye. iniiba-iba lang ang pangalan ng mga characters. think out of the box naman tayo paminsan-minsan, pwede. nakakapurga na e. wag na lang, give up na ko. how can people go against their real nature? hindi yata posible. mas mabuti pang i-accept na lang ang realidad. frogs will always be frogs and princesses will always be princesses. para wala nang sakit ng ulo. para wala nang taong walking-teleserye.
hay. sumasakit na naman ang ulo ko. parang gumagapang na yung kirot mula batok pataas.
Monday, September 18, 2006
ayoko sa mga taong mahilig sa drowing
finally, nasabi ko na.
na-sense na rin siguro nya kaya sya na ang nagtanong. sabi ko, hindi ko kayang mag-full time. hindi ko rin gustong magsulat para sa kanila sa ngayon. pero kung may slot for directors i'm just a call away.
sabi nya, sige. hay. sana lang magkatotoo yon. sawa na ko sa mga taong mahilig mag-drawing.
nung isang araw lang, bumulwak ang galit ko sa mundo sa isang taong nang-onse sa kin at sa mga kasamahan ko. john christian reyes ang pangalan nya, aka boogie. napalabas sa isang investigative news show yung "stakeout" na ginawa nila para mahuli sa akto ang mokong. maliit lang naman ang nakuha sa kin, ano ba naman yung PhP 2k para sa isang ad space for an Asian Magazine na ang subscribers (daw) ay Asian film distributors and producers, pinadala pa nya ko ng kopya ng short film ko at jpeg file ng poster na ilalagay dun sa ad space.
at dahil ni-refer sya ng isang kaibigan ko, bigay agad ako. no buts, no ifs, no questions. instant uto-uto. haha.
so i went to crame the other day to "negotiate" with the con man. ampangit no, dapat yung con man ang nakikipag-negotiate sa min, sya ang makukulong e. all i wanted was to get the money back. promise nya, me kaibigan daw sya na pupunta sa presinto on that same day para ibigay sa kin ang 2K plus some amount for my troubles. nagdaan ang buong maghapon, naghintay ako sa ilalim ng mainit na araw, tsaka nya sinabing wala daw makakarating sa araw na yon.
naku. it was the worst little lie that could have crossed me path at that time. nagalit talaga ko. i said things that i wouldn't have said on any other day. pati yung mga pulis natahimik. hahay. afterwards i felt guilty. not because i regretted giving that con guy the mouthful he deserved, but because of the fact that i had to say it in front of his mother.
syempre, ina yon e.
anyway. basta ayoko na sa mga taong puro drowing lang ang alam. puro ka-etchosan.
* * *
may "test shoot" ngayon ng 1 pm. pasig pa. ang layo, kainis. di pa nga ko prepared. di ko pa napapa-bookbind ang script ko. kasi buong maghapon kahapon masama ang pakiramdam ko. isang buong araw na nasayang. ikinain lang ng dulce de leche at mango ice cream.
ubos na kasi ang double dutch sa kanto e.
nanaginip nga ako, nagising daw ako ng 4 pm ngayong araw, eh 1 pm yung shoot. hay. i hate the memory of those things. minsan nangyari yan nung nagtatrabaho pa ko sa b@hay ni k0ya. nakakaloka yon.
* * *
gusto ko sanang ikwento yung mga gusto kong idagdag na memories sa Time Capsule #002, pero tsaka na lang. it merits a separate entry. along with other things. na irereserba ko na lang sa future, maybe one year from now. or even a month from now. by that time, siguro, unless na may mangyaring "cosmic" encounter with the taong-kinauukulan, the urge to blog about it would have been gone.
sana mas masaya ang araw na to kesa kahapon.
na-sense na rin siguro nya kaya sya na ang nagtanong. sabi ko, hindi ko kayang mag-full time. hindi ko rin gustong magsulat para sa kanila sa ngayon. pero kung may slot for directors i'm just a call away.
sabi nya, sige. hay. sana lang magkatotoo yon. sawa na ko sa mga taong mahilig mag-drawing.
nung isang araw lang, bumulwak ang galit ko sa mundo sa isang taong nang-onse sa kin at sa mga kasamahan ko. john christian reyes ang pangalan nya, aka boogie. napalabas sa isang investigative news show yung "stakeout" na ginawa nila para mahuli sa akto ang mokong. maliit lang naman ang nakuha sa kin, ano ba naman yung PhP 2k para sa isang ad space for an Asian Magazine na ang subscribers (daw) ay Asian film distributors and producers, pinadala pa nya ko ng kopya ng short film ko at jpeg file ng poster na ilalagay dun sa ad space.
at dahil ni-refer sya ng isang kaibigan ko, bigay agad ako. no buts, no ifs, no questions. instant uto-uto. haha.
so i went to crame the other day to "negotiate" with the con man. ampangit no, dapat yung con man ang nakikipag-negotiate sa min, sya ang makukulong e. all i wanted was to get the money back. promise nya, me kaibigan daw sya na pupunta sa presinto on that same day para ibigay sa kin ang 2K plus some amount for my troubles. nagdaan ang buong maghapon, naghintay ako sa ilalim ng mainit na araw, tsaka nya sinabing wala daw makakarating sa araw na yon.
naku. it was the worst little lie that could have crossed me path at that time. nagalit talaga ko. i said things that i wouldn't have said on any other day. pati yung mga pulis natahimik. hahay. afterwards i felt guilty. not because i regretted giving that con guy the mouthful he deserved, but because of the fact that i had to say it in front of his mother.
syempre, ina yon e.
anyway. basta ayoko na sa mga taong puro drowing lang ang alam. puro ka-etchosan.
* * *
may "test shoot" ngayon ng 1 pm. pasig pa. ang layo, kainis. di pa nga ko prepared. di ko pa napapa-bookbind ang script ko. kasi buong maghapon kahapon masama ang pakiramdam ko. isang buong araw na nasayang. ikinain lang ng dulce de leche at mango ice cream.
ubos na kasi ang double dutch sa kanto e.
nanaginip nga ako, nagising daw ako ng 4 pm ngayong araw, eh 1 pm yung shoot. hay. i hate the memory of those things. minsan nangyari yan nung nagtatrabaho pa ko sa b@hay ni k0ya. nakakaloka yon.
* * *
gusto ko sanang ikwento yung mga gusto kong idagdag na memories sa Time Capsule #002, pero tsaka na lang. it merits a separate entry. along with other things. na irereserba ko na lang sa future, maybe one year from now. or even a month from now. by that time, siguro, unless na may mangyaring "cosmic" encounter with the taong-kinauukulan, the urge to blog about it would have been gone.
sana mas masaya ang araw na to kesa kahapon.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
sunday sunny sunday
i hate afternoons. especially the lunchtime hours.
a lot of things seem to piss me off these days. gah. on any ordinary time they probably wouldn't, but this is just the friggin worst time, really. for the smallest slightly unpleasant things to cross me path.
dreary. broken. lost in a maze of endless possibilities. shards of the former whole, all wanting to crawl towards a dozen different directions. but i go through a day like this, an afternoon like this. when i suddenly feel like skipping a meeting because it's something that i'm not really excited about. and the backlog work, the things-to-do, swim around in circles inside this strangely throbbing head, just waiting to be done.
let me get me-self together first. let me get some coffee first.
ang hirap ng malalim ang luha. minsan ganon ako. the depression stretches on far longer than when you cry it out of you in one sitting. wala namang dapat ikalungkot. kelangan lang maging assertive at positive ang attitude towards the future. marami akong doubts tungkol sa mga direksyong tinatahak ko these days, career-wise. marami akong gustong gawin. marami akong kelangang gawin. marami ding commitments na hindi ako sigurado kung tama bang ipagpatuloy gawin. ang hirap minsan, pag walang naka-layout na blueprint sa harap mo. kung nasa sa yo ang controls kung anong gusto mong pasukin. lalo na kung wala ka sa kondisyon. to do everything to get to what you want. to go the extra extra mile.
maybe it's just the afternoon. the clock pointing to 1 pm on a hot, hot day. and hearing the cacophony of showblitzy voices outside, singing some variety-show song on TV. i'm crossing over to different worlds. meeting different new people almost everyday. i used to love the whirlwind, but these days aren't like the others. there are possibilities that would instantly make you dubious, tempting as they are. because gut feel tells you that your heart isn't on it.
on the other hand, there are possibilities that would tempt you like hell and make you even doubly dubious, because gut feel tells you that it would be bad for you in the long run. and that it wouldn't last, because someone's heart, though not necessarily yours, isn't in on it. and you fight it to protect yourself, because you know that these could be strange, vulnerable times for you. and yet. still.
pano ko ba sasabihin sa kanya. na gusto kong mag-back out. dahil umalis na ko sa mundong yon, at hindi ko feel na bumalik uli. kahit na marami pang possibilities at connections na pwedeng mabuo, kahit na eventually maging successful ang venture. hindi ako managerial e. kelangan ko rin ng extra time para pagtangkaang gawin ang gusto ko talagang gawin. kung itutuloy ko to alam kong magpapakangarag na naman ako fulltime for a number of months. at alam ko rin na eventually, in the long run, i will quit.
gut feel tells me so. so what's the point of starting something if you know that it's gonna end for you, anyway.
magsisimula na naman ang bagong shoot. ano na ba ngayon? 17? tatlong araw na lang pala. kelangan nang ipa-bookbind ang script ko. kelangan ko nang tapusin ang clerical preprod work that is the Script Continuity Breakdown. sampung araw sa dating gawi. minsan nakakapagod na. minsan nag-aalinlangan ako. i've outgrown this job.
breaking through via politics in yet another different world. i want it bad enough so maybe i'll make time to hack it. it's not me, but i want it bad enough to give it a try, immersing myself in a world of endless gigs, bars, and artsy-fartsy peeps. hah. like starting from scratch for pop sellout me. but you build connections through camaraderie, didn't the Artsy Fartsy Doobista Dude say. it's gonna take some work. maybe one of these days i'll do that. after the new project is finished. when i'm back to assertive, positivist mode again.
hay. changing worlds. worlds apart. worlds away.
sadness. of the deep, melancholy kind.
i know i'm not making sense now. one year from now it wouldn't matter to me anymore. and one year from now maybe i'll be able to blog about it. laugh about it. learn from the whole anomalous experience that was all, really, just inside my head. just another one to add to the Blessings-That-Came-a-Little-Too-Late. just another funny-sad casualty.
these transient characters who make indelible impressions on me, maybe i'll find them again. in the films i dream of making, some fine day. resurrect them back into my life, like how tony leung's character did in 2046.
the prince that turned into a frog and then into a princess, eventually.
the charismatic lesbian chick who could turn straight girls around.
the philandering married dude who sensed trouble in the guise of a 25-year-old virgin.
the bitter old woman who fought with everybody and eventually died alone.
the struggling young actor who found the perfect "starring role" as a complainant-cum-police asset in an investigative news show.
the little lost boy who has yet to find himself.
the girl who always falls for gay men.
haha. possibly, maybe.
it's almost two pm. i'll stay home, for a change. re-psyche myself to get back in line. think of happier thoughts. like double dutch ice cream on a slow sad afternoon. and a finished Script Continuity Breakdown. and somekinda happy memories from the past few days, a few more items to add to my time capsules.
yea, double dutch ice cream would be a good idea right now.
a lot of things seem to piss me off these days. gah. on any ordinary time they probably wouldn't, but this is just the friggin worst time, really. for the smallest slightly unpleasant things to cross me path.
dreary. broken. lost in a maze of endless possibilities. shards of the former whole, all wanting to crawl towards a dozen different directions. but i go through a day like this, an afternoon like this. when i suddenly feel like skipping a meeting because it's something that i'm not really excited about. and the backlog work, the things-to-do, swim around in circles inside this strangely throbbing head, just waiting to be done.
let me get me-self together first. let me get some coffee first.
ang hirap ng malalim ang luha. minsan ganon ako. the depression stretches on far longer than when you cry it out of you in one sitting. wala namang dapat ikalungkot. kelangan lang maging assertive at positive ang attitude towards the future. marami akong doubts tungkol sa mga direksyong tinatahak ko these days, career-wise. marami akong gustong gawin. marami akong kelangang gawin. marami ding commitments na hindi ako sigurado kung tama bang ipagpatuloy gawin. ang hirap minsan, pag walang naka-layout na blueprint sa harap mo. kung nasa sa yo ang controls kung anong gusto mong pasukin. lalo na kung wala ka sa kondisyon. to do everything to get to what you want. to go the extra extra mile.
maybe it's just the afternoon. the clock pointing to 1 pm on a hot, hot day. and hearing the cacophony of showblitzy voices outside, singing some variety-show song on TV. i'm crossing over to different worlds. meeting different new people almost everyday. i used to love the whirlwind, but these days aren't like the others. there are possibilities that would instantly make you dubious, tempting as they are. because gut feel tells you that your heart isn't on it.
on the other hand, there are possibilities that would tempt you like hell and make you even doubly dubious, because gut feel tells you that it would be bad for you in the long run. and that it wouldn't last, because someone's heart, though not necessarily yours, isn't in on it. and you fight it to protect yourself, because you know that these could be strange, vulnerable times for you. and yet. still.
pano ko ba sasabihin sa kanya. na gusto kong mag-back out. dahil umalis na ko sa mundong yon, at hindi ko feel na bumalik uli. kahit na marami pang possibilities at connections na pwedeng mabuo, kahit na eventually maging successful ang venture. hindi ako managerial e. kelangan ko rin ng extra time para pagtangkaang gawin ang gusto ko talagang gawin. kung itutuloy ko to alam kong magpapakangarag na naman ako fulltime for a number of months. at alam ko rin na eventually, in the long run, i will quit.
gut feel tells me so. so what's the point of starting something if you know that it's gonna end for you, anyway.
magsisimula na naman ang bagong shoot. ano na ba ngayon? 17? tatlong araw na lang pala. kelangan nang ipa-bookbind ang script ko. kelangan ko nang tapusin ang clerical preprod work that is the Script Continuity Breakdown. sampung araw sa dating gawi. minsan nakakapagod na. minsan nag-aalinlangan ako. i've outgrown this job.
breaking through via politics in yet another different world. i want it bad enough so maybe i'll make time to hack it. it's not me, but i want it bad enough to give it a try, immersing myself in a world of endless gigs, bars, and artsy-fartsy peeps. hah. like starting from scratch for pop sellout me. but you build connections through camaraderie, didn't the Artsy Fartsy Doobista Dude say. it's gonna take some work. maybe one of these days i'll do that. after the new project is finished. when i'm back to assertive, positivist mode again.
hay. changing worlds. worlds apart. worlds away.
sadness. of the deep, melancholy kind.
i know i'm not making sense now. one year from now it wouldn't matter to me anymore. and one year from now maybe i'll be able to blog about it. laugh about it. learn from the whole anomalous experience that was all, really, just inside my head. just another one to add to the Blessings-That-Came-a-Little-Too-Late. just another funny-sad casualty.
these transient characters who make indelible impressions on me, maybe i'll find them again. in the films i dream of making, some fine day. resurrect them back into my life, like how tony leung's character did in 2046.
the prince that turned into a frog and then into a princess, eventually.
the charismatic lesbian chick who could turn straight girls around.
the philandering married dude who sensed trouble in the guise of a 25-year-old virgin.
the bitter old woman who fought with everybody and eventually died alone.
the struggling young actor who found the perfect "starring role" as a complainant-cum-police asset in an investigative news show.
the little lost boy who has yet to find himself.
the girl who always falls for gay men.
haha. possibly, maybe.
it's almost two pm. i'll stay home, for a change. re-psyche myself to get back in line. think of happier thoughts. like double dutch ice cream on a slow sad afternoon. and a finished Script Continuity Breakdown. and somekinda happy memories from the past few days, a few more items to add to my time capsules.
yea, double dutch ice cream would be a good idea right now.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
the blessing that came a little too late
fluff fluff fluff.
met three "ex"s in a span of a week. ex-crushes, that is. haha. isn't that funny. encounters that are now simply under my memory file labeled "Blessings That Came a Little Too Late".
thursday, ex-crush 1:
theater actor who appeared in one of my indie undertakings. the one who's got a girlfriend and has a baby on the way.when i saw him again last thursday i remembered the last time i'd met him: earlier this year, when i and a couple of friends had gone to see his play at the ccp, and we accidentally bumped into him as he was on his way home. it could've been one of those transcendent moments if i hadn't totally bungled it up. haha. trying to appear nonchalant, i came out as rather...cold. impersonal. wahoo. how predictably pubertal for 25-year-old me.
the farthest that i'd gone for this person was to "stalk" him on the net. hahaha. those were the days. my return to hectic days in the tv world proved to be an excellent tool for getting over "crushes" of this kind. hectic days, and old loves. harhar.
saturday, ex-crush 2:
artsy-fartsy literati who dabbles in music, film, poetry, literature, art criticism, etc. high-nosed, offbeat intellectual stuff, and for that i suppose he exists on a somewhat different plane from me.
met him in one of my projects one december afternoon in '04--i guess i was intrigued by the "doobista" sign on his shirt. either by that, or by his native boy looks (har! euw). or maybe it was all circumstantial, and i really was just looking for someone to put on a pedestal (yet again) at that time.
whatever it was, i was positively odd-ified. because on our first meeting (and on "official business", so to speak), he suggested that we stopped over somewhere for merienda. and that, over merienda, he asked if i wanted to go to a gig that night with him in that much-heard-of reggae bar along timog. and that, on the way to timog, he offered me one ear from his walkman so that we could both listen to an unpublished, unreleased e-heads song that he said he liked. aww. girls are suckers for that. and just remembering what a big sucker i'd been makes me laugh now.
"feeling"-era na kung "feeling"-era, but i gotta admit. not every guy i'd meet for the first time would likely ask me to spend an entire day in his company. but then i was to eventually realize that this dude is not like every guy.
well. it was one of those times again, when i'd be in-between hectic and idle, and had some time to languish and dally with the fluff. one time i pulled a really tacky trick on him via text. wahihi. that was funny. heartbreaking, but funny. on hindsight.
and so, eventually, another prince-turned-into-a-frog. a fact which i soon got over, thanks to my first dabble into the hectic days of the tv world.
hectic days, and old loves. hahay. same old story, nauulit-ulit lang.
the next time i saw him i was reeling from (yet another!) heartbreak-of-a-sort. the "old love" had fallen in love with someone else. and so i went to a friend's house party despite my low spirits, and there was the artsy-fartsy guy. the case with no closure. the perfect "rebound" target. but i no longer saw him the same way as before. he was too different from me. too...artsy. di ko masakyan ang mga obsessions at interests nya. and i suppose he even has contempt for the likes of me, whose knowledge of music is limited to the popular e-heads songs that aired, who couldn't tell one reggae artist from the other. simpleton me, who would rather settle for gut-feel, did-you-like-it-or-hate-it kind of critiquing discussions than those academe-inspired intellectualizing discourses (ho...hum). pop sellout me, who would most likely churn out the same cheesy fare from the mainstream world i'd come to inhabit and make money from.
last saturday when we met again all these differences sprung up anew. hearing him talk about so-and-so blah-blah with the hauteur of a, well, art critic. i was bored. in my worst moments the term "intellectual snob" popped in my head.
all in all, a bleak disappointment. at least he was wearing the same "doobista" t-shirt that he had on, the first time we met. fitting bookend. funny now that one of the reasons i can't tolerate the way he talks is that he reminds me of someone else. the irony of all friggin ironies.
tuesday, ex-crush 3:
cultural attache of a foreign embassy. met him two years ago when my first baby project needed shipping for a foreign film festival, and since then i'd been, well, nurturing hopes that maybe his extra-kindness wasn't just of the professionally-friendly, goes-with-the-job nature. haha. masarap mag-feeling talaga.
on my way to his office yesterday i was almost going through somekinduva de ja vu. remembering two years ago, when i used to walk those halls with mixed anticipation and anxiety, thinking of how i'd talk to him, resisting the urge to do one quick final check in the mirror to see if my makeup was ok. haha. i remember how one time i decided to make tambay at the st@arbucks near his office, hoping against hope that maybe he'd materialize and pass by, since office hours ended at 5 pm. and he did appear. in passing he made some offhand remark about me "waiting for a sundo", and as he walked away into the golden afternoon i wanted so badly to yell "oo, may hinihintay ako! ikaw, manhid!" at his retreating back. ehe.
eventually i realized that i was just one of those young dreamers whom he deals with everyday. just another. a fact that i eventually got over. like how i always do.
yesterday i met him and he was the same. warm as french latte on a dreary day. i guess it goes with the job. and i considered it a job of mine, as well, to be equally warm to the likes of him, who has been an invaluable help to the likes of me. a job that didn't require much effort, though.
but it wasn't the same as before, because i went through this moment already, about a year ago.
bottomline: i'm a passionist for punishment. in all aspects. not to mention a likely candidate for the nuthouse. i've done really hilarious things for the sake of (the lesser equivalent) of (one-sided) love but i'd like to believe that i've at least learned from all that. and that from these ironic encounters with three people who used to be The Crush, i learned a major lesson that i can probably apply to the present.
feelings will pass by me. things that may matter so much right now may no longer matter at all one year from now. and so there's no point, no sense, in dwelling too much on things of the present. fret about things that are presently not in my control. because feelings--and people--are as fleeting as the present.
the things that might be hurtful today will only be something to laugh about tomorrow. or something to blog about. hehe.
the world is small, and i may meet these people again. should there be a compelling urge at the moment, to do something that i'd consider "stupid" or "embarrassing" for the sake of a present concern, it would be best to, well, check myself. because this is such a small world, people are bound to meet again.
eh ampangit naman kung pag nagkita kayo uli, mahihiya kang harapin ang isang tao. for one reason or another.
playing safe again. playing sage again. baka nga ako lang ang nakakaintindi sa sinasabi ko. but nonetheless. they might say that i keep the ropes on too taut but it might have just saved me more than a couple of times in the past.
another i figured out from this is that my relationships with people improve when The Crush is no longer The Crush. when i'm not emotionally vulnerable to the person i'm dealing with. hehe. and there's the Inverse Proportion theory again. i'm much less guarded, much more open, and a lot less neurotic than i normally would be. i can actually do things that i normally couldn't do, if i were still emotionally affected. like initiating an invite for coffee. or asking a probing question in a casual, natural way. or even making beso. or taking the initiative to say, "Musta?" via a simple text message.
in certain cases, though, sometimes i wish i could've done these things when i would still be emotionally involved. instead of being obsessed about emotionally shielding myself, or guarding my feelings. who knows. maybe there would've been more stuff to tell, aside from asinine "ex-crush" stories and the like. haha! but drat's drat.
graciousness is a virtue, a blessing. in this non-normal girl's case, though, it's a blessing that always comes too late in the phase.
hmm. i should put that on file, too.
met three "ex"s in a span of a week. ex-crushes, that is. haha. isn't that funny. encounters that are now simply under my memory file labeled "Blessings That Came a Little Too Late".
thursday, ex-crush 1:
theater actor who appeared in one of my indie undertakings. the one who's got a girlfriend and has a baby on the way.when i saw him again last thursday i remembered the last time i'd met him: earlier this year, when i and a couple of friends had gone to see his play at the ccp, and we accidentally bumped into him as he was on his way home. it could've been one of those transcendent moments if i hadn't totally bungled it up. haha. trying to appear nonchalant, i came out as rather...cold. impersonal. wahoo. how predictably pubertal for 25-year-old me.
the farthest that i'd gone for this person was to "stalk" him on the net. hahaha. those were the days. my return to hectic days in the tv world proved to be an excellent tool for getting over "crushes" of this kind. hectic days, and old loves. harhar.
saturday, ex-crush 2:
artsy-fartsy literati who dabbles in music, film, poetry, literature, art criticism, etc. high-nosed, offbeat intellectual stuff, and for that i suppose he exists on a somewhat different plane from me.
met him in one of my projects one december afternoon in '04--i guess i was intrigued by the "doobista" sign on his shirt. either by that, or by his native boy looks (har! euw). or maybe it was all circumstantial, and i really was just looking for someone to put on a pedestal (yet again) at that time.
whatever it was, i was positively odd-ified. because on our first meeting (and on "official business", so to speak), he suggested that we stopped over somewhere for merienda. and that, over merienda, he asked if i wanted to go to a gig that night with him in that much-heard-of reggae bar along timog. and that, on the way to timog, he offered me one ear from his walkman so that we could both listen to an unpublished, unreleased e-heads song that he said he liked. aww. girls are suckers for that. and just remembering what a big sucker i'd been makes me laugh now.
"feeling"-era na kung "feeling"-era, but i gotta admit. not every guy i'd meet for the first time would likely ask me to spend an entire day in his company. but then i was to eventually realize that this dude is not like every guy.
well. it was one of those times again, when i'd be in-between hectic and idle, and had some time to languish and dally with the fluff. one time i pulled a really tacky trick on him via text. wahihi. that was funny. heartbreaking, but funny. on hindsight.
and so, eventually, another prince-turned-into-a-frog. a fact which i soon got over, thanks to my first dabble into the hectic days of the tv world.
hectic days, and old loves. hahay. same old story, nauulit-ulit lang.
the next time i saw him i was reeling from (yet another!) heartbreak-of-a-sort. the "old love" had fallen in love with someone else. and so i went to a friend's house party despite my low spirits, and there was the artsy-fartsy guy. the case with no closure. the perfect "rebound" target. but i no longer saw him the same way as before. he was too different from me. too...artsy. di ko masakyan ang mga obsessions at interests nya. and i suppose he even has contempt for the likes of me, whose knowledge of music is limited to the popular e-heads songs that aired, who couldn't tell one reggae artist from the other. simpleton me, who would rather settle for gut-feel, did-you-like-it-or-hate-it kind of critiquing discussions than those academe-inspired intellectualizing discourses (ho...hum). pop sellout me, who would most likely churn out the same cheesy fare from the mainstream world i'd come to inhabit and make money from.
last saturday when we met again all these differences sprung up anew. hearing him talk about so-and-so blah-blah with the hauteur of a, well, art critic. i was bored. in my worst moments the term "intellectual snob" popped in my head.
all in all, a bleak disappointment. at least he was wearing the same "doobista" t-shirt that he had on, the first time we met. fitting bookend. funny now that one of the reasons i can't tolerate the way he talks is that he reminds me of someone else. the irony of all friggin ironies.
tuesday, ex-crush 3:
cultural attache of a foreign embassy. met him two years ago when my first baby project needed shipping for a foreign film festival, and since then i'd been, well, nurturing hopes that maybe his extra-kindness wasn't just of the professionally-friendly, goes-with-the-job nature. haha. masarap mag-feeling talaga.
on my way to his office yesterday i was almost going through somekinduva de ja vu. remembering two years ago, when i used to walk those halls with mixed anticipation and anxiety, thinking of how i'd talk to him, resisting the urge to do one quick final check in the mirror to see if my makeup was ok. haha. i remember how one time i decided to make tambay at the st@arbucks near his office, hoping against hope that maybe he'd materialize and pass by, since office hours ended at 5 pm. and he did appear. in passing he made some offhand remark about me "waiting for a sundo", and as he walked away into the golden afternoon i wanted so badly to yell "oo, may hinihintay ako! ikaw, manhid!" at his retreating back. ehe.
eventually i realized that i was just one of those young dreamers whom he deals with everyday. just another. a fact that i eventually got over. like how i always do.
yesterday i met him and he was the same. warm as french latte on a dreary day. i guess it goes with the job. and i considered it a job of mine, as well, to be equally warm to the likes of him, who has been an invaluable help to the likes of me. a job that didn't require much effort, though.
but it wasn't the same as before, because i went through this moment already, about a year ago.
bottomline: i'm a passionist for punishment. in all aspects. not to mention a likely candidate for the nuthouse. i've done really hilarious things for the sake of (the lesser equivalent) of (one-sided) love but i'd like to believe that i've at least learned from all that. and that from these ironic encounters with three people who used to be The Crush, i learned a major lesson that i can probably apply to the present.
feelings will pass by me. things that may matter so much right now may no longer matter at all one year from now. and so there's no point, no sense, in dwelling too much on things of the present. fret about things that are presently not in my control. because feelings--and people--are as fleeting as the present.
the things that might be hurtful today will only be something to laugh about tomorrow. or something to blog about. hehe.
the world is small, and i may meet these people again. should there be a compelling urge at the moment, to do something that i'd consider "stupid" or "embarrassing" for the sake of a present concern, it would be best to, well, check myself. because this is such a small world, people are bound to meet again.
eh ampangit naman kung pag nagkita kayo uli, mahihiya kang harapin ang isang tao. for one reason or another.
playing safe again. playing sage again. baka nga ako lang ang nakakaintindi sa sinasabi ko. but nonetheless. they might say that i keep the ropes on too taut but it might have just saved me more than a couple of times in the past.
another i figured out from this is that my relationships with people improve when The Crush is no longer The Crush. when i'm not emotionally vulnerable to the person i'm dealing with. hehe. and there's the Inverse Proportion theory again. i'm much less guarded, much more open, and a lot less neurotic than i normally would be. i can actually do things that i normally couldn't do, if i were still emotionally affected. like initiating an invite for coffee. or asking a probing question in a casual, natural way. or even making beso. or taking the initiative to say, "Musta?" via a simple text message.
in certain cases, though, sometimes i wish i could've done these things when i would still be emotionally involved. instead of being obsessed about emotionally shielding myself, or guarding my feelings. who knows. maybe there would've been more stuff to tell, aside from asinine "ex-crush" stories and the like. haha! but drat's drat.
graciousness is a virtue, a blessing. in this non-normal girl's case, though, it's a blessing that always comes too late in the phase.
hmm. i should put that on file, too.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
e-uww
4:54 am.
after an exchange of text messages with someone from the old workplace, i stumbled upon an unpleasant discovery. or so it seemed.
the idea was just too friggin funny, too funny to not be shared. some people really are just full of surprises. and some guys who seem sensible on the outside are actually, in deep, as cheap as they come.
e-uww. what's new. a kick in the groin for all sons-of-adam who endlessly try to make up for what they think they lack.
i feel almost as pathetic as well.
after an exchange of text messages with someone from the old workplace, i stumbled upon an unpleasant discovery. or so it seemed.
the idea was just too friggin funny, too funny to not be shared. some people really are just full of surprises. and some guys who seem sensible on the outside are actually, in deep, as cheap as they come.
e-uww. what's new. a kick in the groin for all sons-of-adam who endlessly try to make up for what they think they lack.
i feel almost as pathetic as well.
Friday, September 08, 2006
the i-post
isa pa nga. bago magbusybusyhan.
salamat zelle sa mala-Fwendster bulletin board survey na ito...
The "I" Post
I am thinking...
...of doing as much errands today as i could. like the dhl thing. and the lesbian interview thing. and the dialogue translation list thing. and the festival research thing. while the days are not busy. while i'm not required to labor for money. kasi dapat nung isang araw ko pa ginawa ang lahat ng to. pati ba naman mga ganitong maliliit na bagay nagpo-procrastinate pa ko? hala.
I said things...
...that i didn't mean. but wanted to mean. for the sake of self-preservation. which, i now realize, is just another form of cowardice. just like that much-loathed sickness called pro-crass-tination. crass coward.
I want to marry...
...someone who would complement my life, as i would his.
...someone who would be consistent and responsible yet interesting at the same time.
...someone with good genes.
I wish ...
...that i would lighten up. tall order.
I miss...
...those days when i could simply laugh at something and not give a thought to it afterwards.
I hear...
...Ricky Reyes outside proclaiming "para kang nagpa-salon!" which reminds me; a hot oil is what (bad bad) hair begs for.
I wonder...
...if i'm right to fear about certain things. lotsa things.
...if time would indeed be my ally this time.
...if i could ever make myself quit the yosi.
I regret...
...the day when i started unfurling. it became the death of (happy) me.
...not having worked on the storyline soon enough.
...the day when i would regret letting another opportunity pass.
I am ...
...a strong girl. think positive.
I dance when ...
...the mood sets in. and the timing's right. and the place is rockin'. like a gay bar on a saturday night, with the man of my dreams. or a videoke bar on a dreary night, to the tune of some boyband song. or a bonfire-lit beach with some of the happiest, most chillin' peeps i have yet to meet in my life.
I sing when...
...the mood sets in, as well. which happens all the time, except on downcast days.
I cry when ...
...i need to. physiologically and psychologically.
I am not ...
...sad. i am happy. i am happy.
I write ...
...blog entries. bulletin board surveys. stuff that don't matter in the grand scheme of things.
I confuse ...
...myself with overanalysis. most of the time.
I need to...
...move. now.
I should ...
...practice what i preach.
I finished reading ...
...a text message from a casual acquaintance. hay. wag na muna kayong magtext ngayon.
osha.
salamat zelle sa mala-Fwendster bulletin board survey na ito...
The "I" Post
I am thinking...
...of doing as much errands today as i could. like the dhl thing. and the lesbian interview thing. and the dialogue translation list thing. and the festival research thing. while the days are not busy. while i'm not required to labor for money. kasi dapat nung isang araw ko pa ginawa ang lahat ng to. pati ba naman mga ganitong maliliit na bagay nagpo-procrastinate pa ko? hala.
I said things...
...that i didn't mean. but wanted to mean. for the sake of self-preservation. which, i now realize, is just another form of cowardice. just like that much-loathed sickness called pro-crass-tination. crass coward.
I want to marry...
...someone who would complement my life, as i would his.
...someone who would be consistent and responsible yet interesting at the same time.
...someone with good genes.
I wish ...
...that i would lighten up. tall order.
I miss...
...those days when i could simply laugh at something and not give a thought to it afterwards.
I hear...
...Ricky Reyes outside proclaiming "para kang nagpa-salon!" which reminds me; a hot oil is what (bad bad) hair begs for.
I wonder...
...if i'm right to fear about certain things. lotsa things.
...if time would indeed be my ally this time.
...if i could ever make myself quit the yosi.
I regret...
...the day when i started unfurling. it became the death of (happy) me.
...not having worked on the storyline soon enough.
...the day when i would regret letting another opportunity pass.
I am ...
...a strong girl. think positive.
I dance when ...
...the mood sets in. and the timing's right. and the place is rockin'. like a gay bar on a saturday night, with the man of my dreams. or a videoke bar on a dreary night, to the tune of some boyband song. or a bonfire-lit beach with some of the happiest, most chillin' peeps i have yet to meet in my life.
I sing when...
...the mood sets in, as well. which happens all the time, except on downcast days.
I cry when ...
...i need to. physiologically and psychologically.
I am not ...
...sad. i am happy. i am happy.
I write ...
...blog entries. bulletin board surveys. stuff that don't matter in the grand scheme of things.
I confuse ...
...myself with overanalysis. most of the time.
I need to...
...move. now.
I should ...
...practice what i preach.
I finished reading ...
...a text message from a casual acquaintance. hay. wag na muna kayong magtext ngayon.
osha.
nakakainis ang h0meb0y
anubayun. may mga tinamaan ng kidlat at namatay sa negros occidental. and i thought i'd only hear about these things in tall tales. weirdo talaga ng buhay.
tapos sa homeboy puro "crushes" naman ng mga artista ang pinag-uusapan (with matching background music pa ng "i promise you" by some boy band. how nauseatingly late-90s). may mga tanong pa si Tito Boy tulad ng "ano ang pinaka-sweet na nagawa sa inyo ng isang manliligaw" and the like. argh. out-of-season naman ata yang topic, hindi naman valentines. wala na ba kayong ibang maisip?
hay nako. ayoko na namang um-angst mode at manira ng araw ng iba.
mukhang nagka-comeback si Time Capsule #002. couldn't be more timely. maybe this time i'd deal with him with a lot less guardedness, and more trust. kahit hindi ako tuma-tumbling over his seeming return.
ang hirap kasi ng may point of comparison e. hindi mo maramdaman, kahit anupang sweet ang gawin para sa yo. hindi katulad kung gustong-gusto mo yung tao. kahit ngitian ka lang, kahit maki-duet lang sa yo sa videoke habang kinakanta ang favorite mong song, kilig na to the umpth power. halos di ka mapagtulog sa gabi.
bawat detalye kapag kasama sya, naaalala mo. bawat detalye tungkol sa kanya, napapansin mo. pati text messages nya na "hello" o "yup :-)" nanghihinayang ka pang burahin. hay.
tuloy pa rin ang ka-cornyhan sa homeboy. "so hangga't di seryoso at di mo nararamdamang tunay ang pagmamahal ng tao sa yo hindi mo pinapakita?" tanong ni Tito Boy sa isang artista. punyeta. pwedeng patayin na yang tv.
minsan kahit ano pang gawin mong pagmamatigas, in deep, tanga ka pa rin.
tapos sa homeboy puro "crushes" naman ng mga artista ang pinag-uusapan (with matching background music pa ng "i promise you" by some boy band. how nauseatingly late-90s). may mga tanong pa si Tito Boy tulad ng "ano ang pinaka-sweet na nagawa sa inyo ng isang manliligaw" and the like. argh. out-of-season naman ata yang topic, hindi naman valentines. wala na ba kayong ibang maisip?
hay nako. ayoko na namang um-angst mode at manira ng araw ng iba.
mukhang nagka-comeback si Time Capsule #002. couldn't be more timely. maybe this time i'd deal with him with a lot less guardedness, and more trust. kahit hindi ako tuma-tumbling over his seeming return.
ang hirap kasi ng may point of comparison e. hindi mo maramdaman, kahit anupang sweet ang gawin para sa yo. hindi katulad kung gustong-gusto mo yung tao. kahit ngitian ka lang, kahit maki-duet lang sa yo sa videoke habang kinakanta ang favorite mong song, kilig na to the umpth power. halos di ka mapagtulog sa gabi.
bawat detalye kapag kasama sya, naaalala mo. bawat detalye tungkol sa kanya, napapansin mo. pati text messages nya na "hello" o "yup :-)" nanghihinayang ka pang burahin. hay.
tuloy pa rin ang ka-cornyhan sa homeboy. "so hangga't di seryoso at di mo nararamdamang tunay ang pagmamahal ng tao sa yo hindi mo pinapakita?" tanong ni Tito Boy sa isang artista. punyeta. pwedeng patayin na yang tv.
minsan kahit ano pang gawin mong pagmamatigas, in deep, tanga ka pa rin.
happy, happy entry
nahiya naman ako bigla kay zelle. pero bigla rin akong na-inspire nung nabasa ko yung latest entries nya. kaya para naman maiba-iba, magkukwento ako ng masaya-saya.
down with the dreary, up with the sun. there are lots of things to thank god for, lots of things to be happy about.
how's these for starters. things to be happy about in life these days:
* starting like a lark anew.
slept at 1 am, woke up at 7 am. a full six hours' sleep in the normal bedtime hours. sana magtuloy-tuloy. cause it's a lonely state, to be awake when the rest of the world is sleeping.
* new prospects, new connections.
yesterday was devoted solely to two "introductory" meetings with mostly new people. one would be interesting to take on for the money and the connections; the other i'm highly dubious about, but if the script turns out to be fantastic it just might help feed the passion. yesterday i breezed from one end of the metro to the opposite end at rush hour. whattarush.
* the new movie on 3rd week of september.
7 days. new director. same old job. at least it's an addition to the resume. and connections. and friends. you gain more than just moolah with every project you take on.
* a blessing that came a little too late.
one of the people i met in one of yesterday's meetings was this guy. if this happened eight months ago i would've been walking on cotton clouds. haha. it's so ironic, because if god wills that this project should actually blossom, i would be closely working with the dude as my co-collaborator. when back then i would rack my brains out, trying to figure out how to be close to him.
heehaw! it's still a belated blessing, though, for two reasons: 1) i don't "crush" him anymore, and 2) he and the girlfriend already have a baby on the way, which makes any possibility of me changing truth #1 absolutely nil.
* another blessing that came a little too late.
have an appointment with someone, tomorrow at lunch. business-related, but interesting to note, nonetheless. cause a year and eight months ago it would've been something to be ecstatic about. same funny irony! in this case, though, the ironies have been pilin' up a little too high. because.
"i'll a gud-bad influence to you and draw you to a veggie resto near romulo hall." he texted me. i hate veggies, but wherever he's comfortable (enough for him to more likely say yes to my "business proposition") would be fine with me.
"oks," i replied. "does the veggies menu include weed? haha." it was a joke. the first time i met him he was wearing a t-shirt that proudly said "Doobista".
"weed can be brought upon special arrangement!" was the reply. haha. nothing more interesting than a guy who has a way with words.
except, well, a cute guy who has a way with words.
but this one's really passe. for a number of reasons. i have an odd feeling that he's secretly gay. which is somekinduva turnoff, believe it or not. plus the fact that i never really took to recycling crushes. apart from one glaring (and lengthily documented) exception.
* enough time to labor with love.
i missed that deadline. but that doesn't mean i should stop. because other opportunities will come for as long as the indie film scene is alive. and i should feel blest because i have some time in my hands to use before the work mills start grinding again.
there's much more. but somehow i can't shake off the dreariness each time i'd remember. i just have to consciously make an effort to fight back the sadness sometimes.
down with the dreary, up with the sun. there are lots of things to thank god for, lots of things to be happy about.
how's these for starters. things to be happy about in life these days:
* starting like a lark anew.
slept at 1 am, woke up at 7 am. a full six hours' sleep in the normal bedtime hours. sana magtuloy-tuloy. cause it's a lonely state, to be awake when the rest of the world is sleeping.
* new prospects, new connections.
yesterday was devoted solely to two "introductory" meetings with mostly new people. one would be interesting to take on for the money and the connections; the other i'm highly dubious about, but if the script turns out to be fantastic it just might help feed the passion. yesterday i breezed from one end of the metro to the opposite end at rush hour. whattarush.
* the new movie on 3rd week of september.
7 days. new director. same old job. at least it's an addition to the resume. and connections. and friends. you gain more than just moolah with every project you take on.
* a blessing that came a little too late.
one of the people i met in one of yesterday's meetings was this guy. if this happened eight months ago i would've been walking on cotton clouds. haha. it's so ironic, because if god wills that this project should actually blossom, i would be closely working with the dude as my co-collaborator. when back then i would rack my brains out, trying to figure out how to be close to him.
heehaw! it's still a belated blessing, though, for two reasons: 1) i don't "crush" him anymore, and 2) he and the girlfriend already have a baby on the way, which makes any possibility of me changing truth #1 absolutely nil.
* another blessing that came a little too late.
have an appointment with someone, tomorrow at lunch. business-related, but interesting to note, nonetheless. cause a year and eight months ago it would've been something to be ecstatic about. same funny irony! in this case, though, the ironies have been pilin' up a little too high. because.
"i'll a gud-bad influence to you and draw you to a veggie resto near romulo hall." he texted me. i hate veggies, but wherever he's comfortable (enough for him to more likely say yes to my "business proposition") would be fine with me.
"oks," i replied. "does the veggies menu include weed? haha." it was a joke. the first time i met him he was wearing a t-shirt that proudly said "Doobista".
"weed can be brought upon special arrangement!" was the reply. haha. nothing more interesting than a guy who has a way with words.
except, well, a cute guy who has a way with words.
but this one's really passe. for a number of reasons. i have an odd feeling that he's secretly gay. which is somekinduva turnoff, believe it or not. plus the fact that i never really took to recycling crushes. apart from one glaring (and lengthily documented) exception.
* enough time to labor with love.
i missed that deadline. but that doesn't mean i should stop. because other opportunities will come for as long as the indie film scene is alive. and i should feel blest because i have some time in my hands to use before the work mills start grinding again.
there's much more. but somehow i can't shake off the dreariness each time i'd remember. i just have to consciously make an effort to fight back the sadness sometimes.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
same time, next year (part 2)
i remember this entry last year. i should be following this through tomorrow, because it was written on september 7. but what the heck.
checklist for last year's wishes for this day (or tomorrow, to be specific):
one year from now i...
...will be 26 years and 5 months old. Old!!!
yup. can't go wrong with that.;-)
...will still probably be writing on this blog.
as is made obvious by this entry. har.
...wouldn't want to hand out my "Sayang Ka Siztaaah" awards to anyone anymore.
geez, i dunno...maybe i no longer do, but we can never really tell. inconclusive.
...want to have finished something that i'm really praying i'd get the chance to do. or be in the midst of finishing it.
i was actually referring to finishing a feature film (which didn't happen), but at least i accomplished the second best option: a short film. wee.
...want to have more steady work in the audiovisual field, preferably in the position i aspire the most :-)
it's been a busy july, an august (semi)vacation, and by third week of september i'm goin out on the shooting field again. how's that for steady. nah. nothing's ever steady in this field. i'm glad the work keeps coming, though. thank god, knock on wood. although when i wrote "position i aspire the most" last year i wasn't really thinking of being script supervisor. hehe.
...want to have finished another short film.
check.
...want to have gone to another foreign country. or at least, another beach paradise.
wow, it was actually granted. i went to vietnam! :-)
...want to be in constant contact with The One Who's Been Outtasight For Days.
hmm. "constant contact" is not how i'd call it, but at this point, it doesn't really matter anymore, does it? would still want to hang out with him more often, though.
...want to fall in love with the right person.
argh. let's not go there.
...want to be loved by the right person.
well, at least i'm still wishin!
...want to stay friends with the ones i have now. and gain a few more lifelong friendships.
i really hope this one has been granted. :-)
...want to stay intact and happy with my family.
check. thank god!
...want to be richer!
does this include the unliquidated assets? hihi.
...want to be slimmer!
i think the needle on the scale is pointing to pretty much the same number.
...want to be a more learned, more giving, much better person.
i don't know about being better. i don't know about being more giving, either. but more learned, probably. about work politics and human nature, that's fer sure. and about handling "alternative possibilities" in certain areas of life wherein i've been totally retarded. hahaha.
...want to have more fulfilled wishes.
yey, still want that!
one year from now i...
...would be 27 years and five months old. now THAT's old. tita-age.
...should already be at the next level, where the day job is concerned.
...should already be directing (rock! alternative!)music videos from MCA Universal, Warner, and the like (wish tayo! trabahuhin!)
...want to have finished a third short film.
...want to have gone to another foreign country. (please please please?)
...would have had the second short film screened Somewhere Out There.
...want to have finished a first script draft of a Feature Film that I'd Really Want to Make. or better yet, in the midst of preproduction. (so help me god)
...want to have found (and, erm, be in a wonderful relationship with?) the Right Person.
...want to maintain the good relationships i have now with family and friends.
...want to have nurtured more new lifelong friendships.
...would still probably be blogging.
...would still probably be answering Fwendster surveys. hihi.
...would still probably be on DSL.
...would still be keeping on with this "same time next year" thingie.
will get back to ya on 9-7-07, baby.
hay.
i don't know if i'm still pushing through with submitting for tomorrow's deadline. i'm realizing now that maybe it's not really a now-or-never kind of thing. it would've been ideal if it could be now, but this ain't a perfect world.
haaay.
let's not go there.
basta. sana talaga automaton na lang ako.
checklist for last year's wishes for this day (or tomorrow, to be specific):
one year from now i...
...will be 26 years and 5 months old. Old!!!
yup. can't go wrong with that.;-)
...will still probably be writing on this blog.
as is made obvious by this entry. har.
...wouldn't want to hand out my "Sayang Ka Siztaaah" awards to anyone anymore.
geez, i dunno...maybe i no longer do, but we can never really tell. inconclusive.
...want to have finished something that i'm really praying i'd get the chance to do. or be in the midst of finishing it.
i was actually referring to finishing a feature film (which didn't happen), but at least i accomplished the second best option: a short film. wee.
...want to have more steady work in the audiovisual field, preferably in the position i aspire the most :-)
it's been a busy july, an august (semi)vacation, and by third week of september i'm goin out on the shooting field again. how's that for steady. nah. nothing's ever steady in this field. i'm glad the work keeps coming, though. thank god, knock on wood. although when i wrote "position i aspire the most" last year i wasn't really thinking of being script supervisor. hehe.
...want to have finished another short film.
check.
...want to have gone to another foreign country. or at least, another beach paradise.
wow, it was actually granted. i went to vietnam! :-)
...want to be in constant contact with The One Who's Been Outtasight For Days.
hmm. "constant contact" is not how i'd call it, but at this point, it doesn't really matter anymore, does it? would still want to hang out with him more often, though.
...want to fall in love with the right person.
argh. let's not go there.
...want to be loved by the right person.
well, at least i'm still wishin!
...want to stay friends with the ones i have now. and gain a few more lifelong friendships.
i really hope this one has been granted. :-)
...want to stay intact and happy with my family.
check. thank god!
...want to be richer!
does this include the unliquidated assets? hihi.
...want to be slimmer!
i think the needle on the scale is pointing to pretty much the same number.
...want to be a more learned, more giving, much better person.
i don't know about being better. i don't know about being more giving, either. but more learned, probably. about work politics and human nature, that's fer sure. and about handling "alternative possibilities" in certain areas of life wherein i've been totally retarded. hahaha.
...want to have more fulfilled wishes.
yey, still want that!
one year from now i...
...would be 27 years and five months old. now THAT's old. tita-age.
...should already be at the next level, where the day job is concerned.
...should already be directing (rock! alternative!)music videos from MCA Universal, Warner, and the like (wish tayo! trabahuhin!)
...want to have finished a third short film.
...want to have gone to another foreign country. (please please please?)
...would have had the second short film screened Somewhere Out There.
...want to have finished a first script draft of a Feature Film that I'd Really Want to Make. or better yet, in the midst of preproduction. (so help me god)
...want to have found (and, erm, be in a wonderful relationship with?) the Right Person.
...want to maintain the good relationships i have now with family and friends.
...want to have nurtured more new lifelong friendships.
...would still probably be blogging.
...would still probably be answering Fwendster surveys. hihi.
...would still probably be on DSL.
...would still be keeping on with this "same time next year" thingie.
will get back to ya on 9-7-07, baby.
hay.
i don't know if i'm still pushing through with submitting for tomorrow's deadline. i'm realizing now that maybe it's not really a now-or-never kind of thing. it would've been ideal if it could be now, but this ain't a perfect world.
haaay.
let's not go there.
basta. sana talaga automaton na lang ako.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
laughable
dreary moment. this won't end til after i'm done. with what's supposed to be done.
and yet i'm thinking of other things.
precisely the reason why i didn't want to subject myself to possibilities. because i was scared of this. i know myself. and what i fear is what's somekinda happening now.
because there's something that i love too much. and i wouldn't want to compromise it. but i guess it's making me think now. because if i love it enough, why am i not thinking about it. why do i not want to think about it. why do i not look forward to facing it at all.
maybe that's precisely why. i love it too much, so maybe i should lighten up.
or that would be the common conclusion. but the real story is that my mind's divided.
which disappoints me. so badly. because my worst side is surfacing again. the less-driven side. the vulnerable side. the pathetic cowardly comfort-seeking side.
and the real reason, why my mind's divided, is so pathetically POINTLESS.
pointless.
because these things that i'm diverting to, they're only in for a temporary stay.
but the things that i'm squirming away from are the stuff that's supposed to matter. they're going to figure in my life for a much longer time. if i only do them right. if i only friggin GET THEM DONE.
you try to fight it with as much combative bravura as you could muster, and in the end the worst thing that could happen is that you would totally lose it.
and then, it would be your achilles' heel.
pointless. senseless. stagnating, bluey.
focus, please. if only for the moment. even if this is the dreariest friggin time.
maybe my friend was right to simply dismiss this with a laugh.
because i really am laughable.
hahaha.
and yet i'm thinking of other things.
precisely the reason why i didn't want to subject myself to possibilities. because i was scared of this. i know myself. and what i fear is what's somekinda happening now.
because there's something that i love too much. and i wouldn't want to compromise it. but i guess it's making me think now. because if i love it enough, why am i not thinking about it. why do i not want to think about it. why do i not look forward to facing it at all.
maybe that's precisely why. i love it too much, so maybe i should lighten up.
or that would be the common conclusion. but the real story is that my mind's divided.
which disappoints me. so badly. because my worst side is surfacing again. the less-driven side. the vulnerable side. the pathetic cowardly comfort-seeking side.
and the real reason, why my mind's divided, is so pathetically POINTLESS.
pointless.
because these things that i'm diverting to, they're only in for a temporary stay.
but the things that i'm squirming away from are the stuff that's supposed to matter. they're going to figure in my life for a much longer time. if i only do them right. if i only friggin GET THEM DONE.
you try to fight it with as much combative bravura as you could muster, and in the end the worst thing that could happen is that you would totally lose it.
and then, it would be your achilles' heel.
pointless. senseless. stagnating, bluey.
focus, please. if only for the moment. even if this is the dreariest friggin time.
maybe my friend was right to simply dismiss this with a laugh.
because i really am laughable.
hahaha.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Saturday, September 02, 2006
dispersed thoughts, diversionary tactics
3:37 pm.
more depressed than ever. can't even open the file that i should've opened last night, instead of blogging here.
sigh.
been exchanging text msgs with my friend's "date" last night. hay nako. here we go again. this is the second of my friend's suitors who decided to turn me into somekinduva confidante/tip-giver. napakahaba naman ng hair mo, friend. mukhang kakaribalin mo pa si frog princess ko sa pagiging topnotcher in my list of Top Five Heartbreakers I've Known In This Lifetime.
the suitor said he was in love with my friend but he knew that my friend has feelings for someone else. i don't know how he could've found out about that. my friend's attracted to the neighborhood gym instructor, who, he ruefully tells me, is someone he probably couldn't get. the suitor said that after three weeks of courtship, parang "napapagod" na sya, because he's done his part.
somehow those words struck a cord in me. siguro iba lang talaga ang kaso pag guy-to-guy kumpara sa guy-to-girl. mas mabilis ang pacing ng mga gay relationships--you like me, i like you, let's hook up. pero dahil konserbatibo ang society natin, usually mas mahabang proseso pag babae ang nililigawan.
haha. backward conservative double-standard thinking, i know. i'd rather think that way than feel guilty. because there's nothing to feel guilty about. i've always made it clear that my options are open.
minsan naiisip ko siguro hindi pa ko ready. at 26. haha. isn't that the most ludicrous, hilarious, pathetic thing you've heard.
* * *
4 pm. before i face The File i intend to take a bath first. another excuse to bide time. i hate it. i hate me.
* * *
instead of the pathetic silly stuff, maybe i should think about the ones that need urgent attention. but i hate the thought of having to face it. the difficulty. the discomfort.
wag muna nating isipin. it's so much more fun talking about other things. anything, other than that.
* * *
and then there's holly.
by golly it's holly.
flattering, but unhealthy. anything that wreaks havoc on your ability to concentrate is dangerous. up until two days ago i'd been pretty content on my own stolid beliefs about this person. now i'm just stumped.
flattery is a weapon. and he knows it. and so he uses it everytime, with just a little dint of honesty so as to make it sound sincere. i know this type. the volatile, seasonal, inconsistent one. and thus, shouldn't be trusted.
that's not to say, though, that the amusement has to stop. haha. that's the magic of a magic show--we know it's all fake, it's all just tricks, but we ride on with it, anyway. for the mere escapist fun of it.
hay. ganon talaga e.
* * *
one of the last msgs from my friend's suitor:
"alam ko ikaw ang bespren nya. pakitingnan na lang sya for me. and i know what's good for him. and i know it's not me."
aww. that's sweet. he's young, though, and he's admitted that this is his first time to "fall in love". everyone's intense the first time they fall in love. but that's still sweet of him to say.
somehow i couldn't get it out of mind. the most unsettling thought i've had in the past two days (well, next to the heavy thought of a storyline to finish). something that a friend had said a few nights ago, which resonates with this little incident last night of my friend's suitor turning me into his confidante.
why the hell would people do that?
it just doesn't agree with my theory. and it's boggling me.
more depressed than ever. can't even open the file that i should've opened last night, instead of blogging here.
sigh.
been exchanging text msgs with my friend's "date" last night. hay nako. here we go again. this is the second of my friend's suitors who decided to turn me into somekinduva confidante/tip-giver. napakahaba naman ng hair mo, friend. mukhang kakaribalin mo pa si frog princess ko sa pagiging topnotcher in my list of Top Five Heartbreakers I've Known In This Lifetime.
the suitor said he was in love with my friend but he knew that my friend has feelings for someone else. i don't know how he could've found out about that. my friend's attracted to the neighborhood gym instructor, who, he ruefully tells me, is someone he probably couldn't get. the suitor said that after three weeks of courtship, parang "napapagod" na sya, because he's done his part.
somehow those words struck a cord in me. siguro iba lang talaga ang kaso pag guy-to-guy kumpara sa guy-to-girl. mas mabilis ang pacing ng mga gay relationships--you like me, i like you, let's hook up. pero dahil konserbatibo ang society natin, usually mas mahabang proseso pag babae ang nililigawan.
haha. backward conservative double-standard thinking, i know. i'd rather think that way than feel guilty. because there's nothing to feel guilty about. i've always made it clear that my options are open.
minsan naiisip ko siguro hindi pa ko ready. at 26. haha. isn't that the most ludicrous, hilarious, pathetic thing you've heard.
* * *
4 pm. before i face The File i intend to take a bath first. another excuse to bide time. i hate it. i hate me.
* * *
instead of the pathetic silly stuff, maybe i should think about the ones that need urgent attention. but i hate the thought of having to face it. the difficulty. the discomfort.
wag muna nating isipin. it's so much more fun talking about other things. anything, other than that.
* * *
and then there's holly.
by golly it's holly.
flattering, but unhealthy. anything that wreaks havoc on your ability to concentrate is dangerous. up until two days ago i'd been pretty content on my own stolid beliefs about this person. now i'm just stumped.
flattery is a weapon. and he knows it. and so he uses it everytime, with just a little dint of honesty so as to make it sound sincere. i know this type. the volatile, seasonal, inconsistent one. and thus, shouldn't be trusted.
that's not to say, though, that the amusement has to stop. haha. that's the magic of a magic show--we know it's all fake, it's all just tricks, but we ride on with it, anyway. for the mere escapist fun of it.
hay. ganon talaga e.
* * *
one of the last msgs from my friend's suitor:
"alam ko ikaw ang bespren nya. pakitingnan na lang sya for me. and i know what's good for him. and i know it's not me."
aww. that's sweet. he's young, though, and he's admitted that this is his first time to "fall in love". everyone's intense the first time they fall in love. but that's still sweet of him to say.
somehow i couldn't get it out of mind. the most unsettling thought i've had in the past two days (well, next to the heavy thought of a storyline to finish). something that a friend had said a few nights ago, which resonates with this little incident last night of my friend's suitor turning me into his confidante.
why the hell would people do that?
it just doesn't agree with my theory. and it's boggling me.
don't
5:33 am.
just came from a videoke-cum-brainstorming session with my friend and his "date".
was the third wheel who thoroughly enjoyed herself. but i couldn't help feeling...somekinda...glum. each time i'd see nuances from my friend's (purportedly avid) suitor--a look, an action, a little gesture--that spoke volumes, where his feelings for my friend is concerned. and those were the moments when i would actually feel like a real third wheel.
aww, lurve.
i hate it. because it's the worst time to even think about stuff like that. and it renders me a bit more vulnerable to certain stuff that, on a normal day, would've been simply nothing.
but i was sad tonight. sad about a lot of things. pressure doesn't only freeze me, it renders me vulnerable as well. makes me want to turn to the nearest source of comfort. like the fluff. which at this point ain't advisable. because.
it's dawn. september 2. happy birthday, keanu.
time capsule #002 resurfaced via SMS, after about a week. the longest space between his habitual "pagpaparamdam". hey, i thought this was a done-and-over-with case. i'd said my eulogies and piled up the memories for burial, haven't i. it would've been the best source of comfort for me, a timely thing, a happy thing. but it wasn't. and i know why.
text msgs don't mean shit. i mean that in a way. in a way, i don't.
the first time i actually got a glimpse into someone's mind was, ironically, via an exchange of SMS's. and now i can't seem to get that memory out of my head. maybe because i actually liked what i saw.
arghhhhh.
don't friggin go there.
just came from a videoke-cum-brainstorming session with my friend and his "date".
was the third wheel who thoroughly enjoyed herself. but i couldn't help feeling...somekinda...glum. each time i'd see nuances from my friend's (purportedly avid) suitor--a look, an action, a little gesture--that spoke volumes, where his feelings for my friend is concerned. and those were the moments when i would actually feel like a real third wheel.
aww, lurve.
i hate it. because it's the worst time to even think about stuff like that. and it renders me a bit more vulnerable to certain stuff that, on a normal day, would've been simply nothing.
but i was sad tonight. sad about a lot of things. pressure doesn't only freeze me, it renders me vulnerable as well. makes me want to turn to the nearest source of comfort. like the fluff. which at this point ain't advisable. because.
it's dawn. september 2. happy birthday, keanu.
time capsule #002 resurfaced via SMS, after about a week. the longest space between his habitual "pagpaparamdam". hey, i thought this was a done-and-over-with case. i'd said my eulogies and piled up the memories for burial, haven't i. it would've been the best source of comfort for me, a timely thing, a happy thing. but it wasn't. and i know why.
text msgs don't mean shit. i mean that in a way. in a way, i don't.
the first time i actually got a glimpse into someone's mind was, ironically, via an exchange of SMS's. and now i can't seem to get that memory out of my head. maybe because i actually liked what i saw.
arghhhhh.
don't friggin go there.
Friday, September 01, 2006
how i dreamed of finishing a storyline and ended up with a novel
pumapatak ang mga araw.
dalawang linggo na kong nagpoprocrassstinate.
pano ba magsulat ng pelikula?
di ba pinag-aralan yan sa skwela?
dalawang sem kay bing lao, e bat ngayon parang wala kang kaalam-alam?
clueless. friggin clueless.
nakakainis. ayoko sanang ikwento. kesa magsulat ako sa blog sana hinaharap ko na lang yung kinakatakutan kong harapin. the blank phosphorus screen. the uncomfortable feeling of burning brain cells in pursuit of something good enough.
good enough. kaya di ka makapagsimula e.
september 1 na. huy.
it means too much to me. maybe that's why. i don't want to screw up things that mean too much to me. hindi pa nga talaga tinatrabaho nang husto, takot na agad magkamali.
oo narinig ko na yan e. yan nga ang psychoanalysis sakin ng friend-cum-shrink-cum-adviser kong si waterfowl. people can give you the same advice over and over again but there's only one way to solve this so-called problem.
just friggin do it, man.
do a nike.
go through the discomfort, the unpleasant feelings, the terror, the trauma, the puyat, the extra joss and the coffee, the yosi, the same old ingredients from one year ago, when you had to write as an obligation. because this is your obligation. your obligation to yourself. you owe it to yourself, somehow, who's been dreaming of getting "something" done for the past two years.
hay. ilan ba kaming ganito.
tama na nga. naiirita lang ako lalo.
* * *
pag di ako manonood ng pelikula, magbabasa ako ng libro. research, baga. to see how other writers saw. back to film 121.
i want to do it right the first time.
do it right, and do it well.
siguro wrong way of thinking. kasi not a lot of people get it right the first time.
tama naaaaaa.
* * *
dun na lang tayo sa fluff. ang sarap magkwento pag kababawan ang pag-uusapan. para ka lang naglalakad sa park. or nagsu-surf sa fwendster.
break na sila ng dyowa nya. yahoo.
hindi naman ako masaya talaga. kasi kahit naman single sya, hindi pa rin ako papasa. unless magpa-sex change ako. kaso kahit nagpa-sex change ako hindi pa rin ako aabot sa height requirement nya. haha. hay palakang prinsesa. mishu mishu.
these days i'm constantly reminded of my days at Da Haus. siguro dahil nagsisimula na naman ang bagong season ng newest franchise from Indimul, siguro dahil in-touch pa rin ako sa mga dating katrabaho. i don't miss the job but sometimes i miss the people. the old personages from six months ago.
friends neutralize the intensities of daily life. friends, and fluff.
hindi nga worthy ikwento ang mga ganitong bagay. dahil ang mga walang kwenta sa yo, hindi mo masyadong kinukwento di ba. inane stuff, because it's not going to make my life any better. not from the look of things, not for the moment.
it's strange, though. because for the first time in my pathetic, cloistered existence, i was being given alternative options. and i'm not cringing. wary, on-guard, highly suspicious, yes. but not cringing at all.
there are things that a girl will not forget, regardless of whoever is involved. like the first time she receives flowers from someone (mas okay kung at random, na hindi pinagplanuhan, halimbawa kung napadaan lang sila sa isang santan bush at biglang pinitas ang santan at binigay sa kanya, or may little flower vendor na napadaan at biglang naisipang ibili sya ng isa). the first time that someone escorts her home. the first time that someone dedicates a song to her. the first time that someone tells her things that he would remember about her when their brief co-laboring stint is over (things that she wouldn't expect anyone to notice, much less remember). the first time that someone gives her a surprise gift for her birthday. little sacrifices that someone would make just to be with her. constant fwendster messages across the miles from someone, to remind her that he has not forgotten her. constant text messages from someone, to let her know that he's thinking of her.
these things are something to keep. for Time Capsule #002.
i subconsciously shoo people away. it's a talent that i've unfortunately honed to perfection. i've always wondered why i kept myself at a certain distance even if i welcomed this person's friendship. maybe i wanted to be open to possibilities, but emotionally i wasn't sold. maybe i've been sending an honest message all along, and he finally got it. and so guilt at this point would be, well, pointless. i only wish we could stay friends. he probably deserves someone a lot better than beeyatchy, insensitive me.
so when times require it, i will always have Time Capsule #002 to make me feel better. you don't meet people like that everyday.
kumusta naman yun. all of a sudden biglang naging existing ako. from eternally being on the giving end i suddenly find myself on the opposite side. those were strange days, the last few days at Da Haus. biglang humiwalay ang wallflower sa wall. naisip ko bigla ang term na "alternative options", na wala naman sa bokabularyo ko noon. malamang circumstantial, dahil supply should meet demand sa kahit saang community, at nang mga panahong yon eh mukhang kulang sa supply ng single girls na 20yo-and-above sa mundong yon. for the same exact principle na sobrang mabenta si FG sa girls at boys sa same community na yon--dahil may shortage ng mga pwede-pwede nang single 20ish guys in that walled-in, hi-tension world. hay dynamics. everything is relative. everything is possibly circumstantial. and you can't discount these factors when assessing certain situations.
lalo na pagdating sa matters-of-the-proverbial-heart. because love is war. extremist thinking, but in a way, true. and if you're bound for war you have to fortify yourself, for self-preservation. that, above all else, before you allow yourself to fall in love and risk being emotionally vulnerable to the person.
make sure you're landing on solid ground before you take a leap. and you're armored to the nines. especially if you're a fragile psyche. god knows what kind of damage that a broken heart could cause.
as far as you're concerned, the other person is guilty by default unless proven innocent. para when it turns out na he's of the good kind naman pala, magiging pleasant surprise pa para sa yo. pag hindi naman, hindi ka na madi-disappoint, and in a strange way you'll find self-satisfaction--and consolation--in the fact that you had been right all along. sabi na nga ba, he couldn't be trusted. sabi na nga ba, hindi sya seryoso. sabi na nga ba, gago yon e. ang galing ko talaga.
dahil guilty unless he proves himself to be otherwise, your trust is something that he has to earn. the burden of proof is on him, and don't let him turn the tables on you. you need not prove to him that you like him if he hasn't proven that he genuinely, sincerely likes you.
don't believe everything he says, if you don't know him well enough to be able to correctly determine if he's an honest nut or not. words are cheap. text messages are cheaper. guys will always show you their good side when they're wooing you; learn to tell what's put-on and what's real. at any moment the other person can transform into the enemy, and if that happens, it's best to be ready for it. best to prepare yourself for anything.
keep your thoughts and feelings under wraps. don't lay all your cards down, unless it's reasonably safe to do so (and you'd know if you've known the "enemy" well enough to determine how he'd react to such an act by you). didn't they say, just as men love the "chase", they probably love mystery just as much. and if they can't read you, if they can't predict you, you practically have the upper hand. it keeps the interest factor level up. keep them guessing, but don't play up the mystery too much to the point of affectation.
based from a particularly scarring past experience, i also realized that maybe, laying all your cards on the table so early on in the game might make the "enemy" too complacent. an all-too-complacent guy tends to take a girl for granted. which is something that no self-respecting girl would want. or deserve.
most of all, dilute. detach. lay off the intensity. take and deal with these things lightly. until you're absolutely sure that he is the real thing, don't let the fluff carry you away. hearts get broken easiest that way.
how's that for the cynic's guide to love. hehe. maybe i'm too negative, but it's probably best for me to take on that mindset for the moment.
asus. nobela ito. kung nobela nga nagagawa ko malamang storyline kaya ko rin.
try ko kaya.
dalawang linggo na kong nagpoprocrassstinate.
pano ba magsulat ng pelikula?
di ba pinag-aralan yan sa skwela?
dalawang sem kay bing lao, e bat ngayon parang wala kang kaalam-alam?
clueless. friggin clueless.
nakakainis. ayoko sanang ikwento. kesa magsulat ako sa blog sana hinaharap ko na lang yung kinakatakutan kong harapin. the blank phosphorus screen. the uncomfortable feeling of burning brain cells in pursuit of something good enough.
good enough. kaya di ka makapagsimula e.
september 1 na. huy.
it means too much to me. maybe that's why. i don't want to screw up things that mean too much to me. hindi pa nga talaga tinatrabaho nang husto, takot na agad magkamali.
oo narinig ko na yan e. yan nga ang psychoanalysis sakin ng friend-cum-shrink-cum-adviser kong si waterfowl. people can give you the same advice over and over again but there's only one way to solve this so-called problem.
just friggin do it, man.
do a nike.
go through the discomfort, the unpleasant feelings, the terror, the trauma, the puyat, the extra joss and the coffee, the yosi, the same old ingredients from one year ago, when you had to write as an obligation. because this is your obligation. your obligation to yourself. you owe it to yourself, somehow, who's been dreaming of getting "something" done for the past two years.
hay. ilan ba kaming ganito.
tama na nga. naiirita lang ako lalo.
* * *
pag di ako manonood ng pelikula, magbabasa ako ng libro. research, baga. to see how other writers saw. back to film 121.
i want to do it right the first time.
do it right, and do it well.
siguro wrong way of thinking. kasi not a lot of people get it right the first time.
tama naaaaaa.
* * *
dun na lang tayo sa fluff. ang sarap magkwento pag kababawan ang pag-uusapan. para ka lang naglalakad sa park. or nagsu-surf sa fwendster.
break na sila ng dyowa nya. yahoo.
hindi naman ako masaya talaga. kasi kahit naman single sya, hindi pa rin ako papasa. unless magpa-sex change ako. kaso kahit nagpa-sex change ako hindi pa rin ako aabot sa height requirement nya. haha. hay palakang prinsesa. mishu mishu.
these days i'm constantly reminded of my days at Da Haus. siguro dahil nagsisimula na naman ang bagong season ng newest franchise from Indimul, siguro dahil in-touch pa rin ako sa mga dating katrabaho. i don't miss the job but sometimes i miss the people. the old personages from six months ago.
friends neutralize the intensities of daily life. friends, and fluff.
hindi nga worthy ikwento ang mga ganitong bagay. dahil ang mga walang kwenta sa yo, hindi mo masyadong kinukwento di ba. inane stuff, because it's not going to make my life any better. not from the look of things, not for the moment.
it's strange, though. because for the first time in my pathetic, cloistered existence, i was being given alternative options. and i'm not cringing. wary, on-guard, highly suspicious, yes. but not cringing at all.
there are things that a girl will not forget, regardless of whoever is involved. like the first time she receives flowers from someone (mas okay kung at random, na hindi pinagplanuhan, halimbawa kung napadaan lang sila sa isang santan bush at biglang pinitas ang santan at binigay sa kanya, or may little flower vendor na napadaan at biglang naisipang ibili sya ng isa). the first time that someone escorts her home. the first time that someone dedicates a song to her. the first time that someone tells her things that he would remember about her when their brief co-laboring stint is over (things that she wouldn't expect anyone to notice, much less remember). the first time that someone gives her a surprise gift for her birthday. little sacrifices that someone would make just to be with her. constant fwendster messages across the miles from someone, to remind her that he has not forgotten her. constant text messages from someone, to let her know that he's thinking of her.
these things are something to keep. for Time Capsule #002.
i subconsciously shoo people away. it's a talent that i've unfortunately honed to perfection. i've always wondered why i kept myself at a certain distance even if i welcomed this person's friendship. maybe i wanted to be open to possibilities, but emotionally i wasn't sold. maybe i've been sending an honest message all along, and he finally got it. and so guilt at this point would be, well, pointless. i only wish we could stay friends. he probably deserves someone a lot better than beeyatchy, insensitive me.
so when times require it, i will always have Time Capsule #002 to make me feel better. you don't meet people like that everyday.
kumusta naman yun. all of a sudden biglang naging existing ako. from eternally being on the giving end i suddenly find myself on the opposite side. those were strange days, the last few days at Da Haus. biglang humiwalay ang wallflower sa wall. naisip ko bigla ang term na "alternative options", na wala naman sa bokabularyo ko noon. malamang circumstantial, dahil supply should meet demand sa kahit saang community, at nang mga panahong yon eh mukhang kulang sa supply ng single girls na 20yo-and-above sa mundong yon. for the same exact principle na sobrang mabenta si FG sa girls at boys sa same community na yon--dahil may shortage ng mga pwede-pwede nang single 20ish guys in that walled-in, hi-tension world. hay dynamics. everything is relative. everything is possibly circumstantial. and you can't discount these factors when assessing certain situations.
lalo na pagdating sa matters-of-the-proverbial-heart. because love is war. extremist thinking, but in a way, true. and if you're bound for war you have to fortify yourself, for self-preservation. that, above all else, before you allow yourself to fall in love and risk being emotionally vulnerable to the person.
make sure you're landing on solid ground before you take a leap. and you're armored to the nines. especially if you're a fragile psyche. god knows what kind of damage that a broken heart could cause.
as far as you're concerned, the other person is guilty by default unless proven innocent. para when it turns out na he's of the good kind naman pala, magiging pleasant surprise pa para sa yo. pag hindi naman, hindi ka na madi-disappoint, and in a strange way you'll find self-satisfaction--and consolation--in the fact that you had been right all along. sabi na nga ba, he couldn't be trusted. sabi na nga ba, hindi sya seryoso. sabi na nga ba, gago yon e. ang galing ko talaga.
dahil guilty unless he proves himself to be otherwise, your trust is something that he has to earn. the burden of proof is on him, and don't let him turn the tables on you. you need not prove to him that you like him if he hasn't proven that he genuinely, sincerely likes you.
don't believe everything he says, if you don't know him well enough to be able to correctly determine if he's an honest nut or not. words are cheap. text messages are cheaper. guys will always show you their good side when they're wooing you; learn to tell what's put-on and what's real. at any moment the other person can transform into the enemy, and if that happens, it's best to be ready for it. best to prepare yourself for anything.
keep your thoughts and feelings under wraps. don't lay all your cards down, unless it's reasonably safe to do so (and you'd know if you've known the "enemy" well enough to determine how he'd react to such an act by you). didn't they say, just as men love the "chase", they probably love mystery just as much. and if they can't read you, if they can't predict you, you practically have the upper hand. it keeps the interest factor level up. keep them guessing, but don't play up the mystery too much to the point of affectation.
based from a particularly scarring past experience, i also realized that maybe, laying all your cards on the table so early on in the game might make the "enemy" too complacent. an all-too-complacent guy tends to take a girl for granted. which is something that no self-respecting girl would want. or deserve.
most of all, dilute. detach. lay off the intensity. take and deal with these things lightly. until you're absolutely sure that he is the real thing, don't let the fluff carry you away. hearts get broken easiest that way.
how's that for the cynic's guide to love. hehe. maybe i'm too negative, but it's probably best for me to take on that mindset for the moment.
asus. nobela ito. kung nobela nga nagagawa ko malamang storyline kaya ko rin.
try ko kaya.
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