all over the world on New Year's eve

Five places I'd like to see at the stroke of midnight:


New York City. I imagine it's gonna be a riot of lights and sounds over there. Times Square will probably filled with New Yorkers singing Auld Lang Syne with champagne glasses and sparklers on their hands. Haha. Or maybe they don't do those things anymore.

Rome. I want to see Rome. New Year or not. The cathedrals and the piazzas, the cobblestone streets and the fountains. I want to go there in 2006. Haha! Wishing wishing wishing.

Hongkong. Will there be a New Year in HK tonight? Don't they celebrate it in February? Nonetheless, I'd want to see the city at night. The only time I'd been there, we had to plane out of the city by night. And the only time I was able to see HK at night was when I was onboard a passing plane, 2 years ago. The entire mini-archipelago looked like a galaxy of stars underneath us. Beautiful!

Paris. I'm sure this place will be breathtaking on New Year's eve night. It's not called the City of Lights for nada.

Brazil. I wonder how South Americans celebrate their New Year? I imagine taverns and flowing beer, native music and dancing, maybe even fireworks. Never been to South America, and if I were to venture in that continent, I'd choose Brazil as my stop.

Sigh. Wanna be Superwoman and fly all over the world on New Year's Eve.

Gotta get back to work. Happy 2006, passing reader!

laboring through the holidays

afternoon of New Year's eve.

getting myself another slight fever.

my head making this clunking sound (or maybe there was no sound...it just FELT like something was clunking inside) each time I'd get up from a supine position.

and it seems like the work that has to be done will go on and on and on, straight through the 12 midnight and over to the new year.

sigh.

it's alright. to work for no payment. this is all about love, anyway. past, present, and future.

a week to go before shoot. help us, lord. no other option but a good film.

farewell note

Next to a love song, there's nothing more universal than a sad song.

Just as a certain Coldplay song will forever burn in my memory, so will it forever remind me of certain persons.

When you try your best but you don't succeed...
When you get what you want but not what you need...
When you feel so tired but you cant sleep...
Stuck in reverse...

And the tears come streamin down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse...?

Lights...will guide you home
And ignite...your bones
And I will try to fix you.

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try, you never know
Just what you're worth...

Lights will guide...you home
And ignite...your bones
And I will try...to fix you.

Tears stream down your face
when you lose somethin that you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And i...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream...down your face
And I...

Lights will guide...you home
And ignite...your bones
And I will try to fix you.

You, finding momentary solitude in a back alley, playing with a stray dog.
You, walking alone along the railways and the shanties, when all the rest have packed up and gone home.
You, trying to drown your thoughts in the sights and sounds of a place that, in a different life, could have been your Home.
You, getting acquainted with the locals and the language, laughing over your inability to speak your mother's tongue.
Your silent moments with a cigarette, collecting your thoughts for the next moment ahead.
Your silent moment that night, outside the bar, blowing off smoke, nursing a broken heart.
You, walking out into the night, searching for something that seemed to have been lost, something that nothing--and no one--can replace or compensate for.

You were a stranger, just as I was to you. But I thought I could tell whenever you were down and broken. And almost each time I'd find myself fervently wishing that I could do something, that I could be the person who could, somehow, fix you.

But I'm not. I know. We don't choose the people who affect and touch us in ways that few people could. And I bid my farewells with that in mind.

Byebye. Have a nice life. Hugs. I never could have hugged you in person, not even after those packups. At least I was able to give you those hugs via SMS.

Haha.

too busy to not procrastinate

Ito ba ang supposedly maraming ginagawa?!

Laging naka-online?!

I'm hooked. Blame it on DSL. The Internet has officially become my number one favorite pasttime. Supposedly it's watching movies, right? But when was the last time I saw a movie..? Three days ago? And when was the last time I got wired? Just this morning. From movie geek to prosumer-net geek, don't know if I got worse or better.

My favorite virtual hangouts:
* www.blogger.com - (have two--this one, and the other made by the Alter Ego. heheh). the habit is that i do the rounds with the existing links, and blog-hop every once in a while.
* www.friendster.com - i don't know why, but i like posting pictures of me and my recent hap'nins a bit too much. haha. what i can't do here, i do on friendster. post pictures, that is. and what i don't write here somehow finds a way to get published in The Alter Ego's blog. essentially, stuff that would bore the disinterested reader to tears.
* www.multiply.com - my other photo album. vain beeyatch! the photo album is the only feature i use. i'm faithful to blogger--better to not disperse your thoughts in too many different directions.
* yahoo! messenger - i automatically go online everytime. fast way to communicate with pals who are also ym contacts. i rarely use the invisible mode these days...hmm, wonder why.
* mail.yahoo.com - indispensable form of communication. snail totally obliterated. well, nearly. cruise photog friend melissa just snail-mailed me a postcard some weeks ago.
* www.msn.com - my favorite search engine, over yahoo. lately i discovered that i could trace certain links here that i couldn't with yahoo (never mind google).

so there. just the basics, but these hangouts are already making an addict outta me. haha. if you guys know other cool places to visit, hope you could share it with me. i've created accounts in photobucket, the kodak photosharing site (the exact addy totally escaped me...wuz), and wouldn't you know, even downelink and connexion, the gay community "counterparts" of friendster. haha. don't even ask me why. you might laugh if i actually tell you.

my wish list for christmas 2004:

1. A brand new PC unit that's ideal for Adobe Premiere editing. DIDN'T GET IT
2. An Orange DVD player. NOT THE "ORANGE" BRAND, BUT A DVD PLAYER NONETHELESS
3. A comfy couch-potato sofa (to complement my DVD player). GOT A BEANBAG INSTEAD
4. A CD man. THANKS TO MAMA, GOT ONE FOR MY 25TH BIRTHDAY
5. Repair services for my CD player. NAH-AH..FIGURED I COULD LIVE WITHOUT IT
6. A minidv cam. Or better yet, a Panasonic 24P cam. YIKES. SUNTOK SA BUWAN LANG TO
7. A digital stillcam. HAAAY. STILL PART OF THIS YEAR'S WISHLIST. NANALO DAW AKO SA STAR CINEMA PARTY RAFFLE NG KODAK STILLCAM KAYA LANG WALA AKO DUN! KAINIS!
8. A confirmed new job assignment. GOT IT, THREE WEEKS AFTER THIS ENTRY
10.Merry Christmas text messages from the ones who matter. (wink, wink) I THINK I DID, BUT NOT THE KIND OF TXT MSGS I'D HOPED FOR. HAHA. LOSER
11. A brilliant concept for a short film. BUMMER!
12. All Wong Kar Wai movies, wrapped with a bow. WELL, I GOT AN ORIG DVD OF "DAYS OF BEING WILD" I'M FOUR OR FIVE MOVIES AWAY FROM FULFILLMENT..AND THE BOW WOULD BE EASY TO BUY OFF THE QUIAPO SIDEWALKS!

My (Material-Girl) Wish List for 2006:
1. A digital stillcam!
2. A stabler savings account
3. An I-Pod (I don't need it that badly, but sure, I'd like to have one of those little thingies)
4. A confirmed new income-generating job assignment
5. A new color TV for my lola
6. A completed, beautiful, compelling personal project
7. A prince that won't turn into a frog, or (worse...) a princess
8. A trip to Boracay and/or any place outside the country
9. An absolutely happy, stress-free 26th birthday for me
10. Successful, lifetime detoxification

christmas scroogette (for a nanosecond)

christmas morning. crisp cold air, warm coffee, last night's Noche Buena leftovers for breakfast, and work to start on. my, my, this newborn lark just couldn't wait to get on with her day.

and then, at the door of the next-door-neighbor, little voices call out "Mamamasko po!" in unison. that's when i remember. this IS the day when they come in hoards at your doorstep. most of them are faces and names you hardly remember, some of them who now remember you all of a sudden, after an entire year of being, what, invisible.

godchildren and their parents. mamamasko po. sigh! bah humbug!

not that i mind giving pamasko in the form of cash or gifts. it's a pleasure to be a giver to the people i love. close friends and family. but when you've been blessed with five or six godchildren at the age of 25 (i know, di pa marami yon, but that's just about enough for me, please), being someone's godparent tends to become a somewhat expensive role. quite frankly, it bleeds me dry. every christmas. i've only included one of the five or six godchildren (that one godchild is the only one i'm close with) in the christmas shopping budget; the rest, that means, will automatically receive cash.

it's ok if i'm, like, filthy rich. it's christmas, after all (scrooooooge! scroooooge!). but at my state right now, with the next income-generating project still in the hazy horizon, and a month ahead to scrimp on what's left of the once-secure savings account, you can't blame me for being tempted to make "tago". go out of the house--anywhere but here!--and pass the day away til the semi-anonymous godchildren finish their rounds of "mamamasko po".

makes me wish i were just a kid again. back then i was the one collecting the presents and aginaldos. i was the one who would get up early in the morning to begin my rounds (towed by my parents, of course--having the folks with you kinda "legitimizes" your quest and results in bigger aginaldos, compared to when your on your own or with other kids). now i'm the one who has to give the presents and aginaldos. haha. what goes around, comes around, so they say.

one other major difference between now and then was that, as a kid, money didn't have as much value to me as it does now. i was well-provided for by my parents, i had no big needs beyond the occasional toy or candies i'd ask them to buy for me, didn't have to worry about earning, spending, or saving up. now that i'm this (big, bad) adult earning my own dough and struggling to be financially independent from my parents as much as possible, i find that money is, actually, of big consequence to my daily life. ESPECIALLY during christmas.

(sidenote:ano ba yan...di lang pala ko scrooge, silas marner parin pala! haha!)

cause that's when the godchildren (and their parents) come in hoards. like ghosts of christmas past. tots with faces and names you hardly remember, children of distant relatives or casual acquaintances who, by God-knows-what inspiration that came over them, bestowed on you the privilege/duty of being godparent to their children.

that's so weird, you know. i'd always thought that you would want to entrust your child to a person you're close to. or someone whom you know would, in case anything happened to you, take your child as if it were her own. in most godparenting cases i've had, i don't think i fit that profile. how can i treat a child as if s/he were my own if i hardly see him/her, hardly know him/her, and in worst cases, hardly even know his/her parents? duh. why do they choose me??

that's just the thing about godparenting in this culture. you have no choice. when someone asks you to be godparent to their child, i've been taught not to say no. to decline would be to turn your back on some sort of a "blessing". or a holy duty. or a privilege. whatever. okay lang naman kung malapit talaga ako sa magulang. because i have this thing about giving people gifts/aginaldos out of my own free will, not out of duty or responsibility.

hay.

i can still hear the little voices in the distance. my, do they start the day early. and with a practiced in-unison "Mamamasko po!" to boot. i wonder if they have flyers? even the most dogged aginaldo-seekers of my generation weren't that organized.

geez, i'm so bad. i know i'm just rambling...again. christmas scroogette that i friggin am. despite all that, though, i have every reason to thank God for this Christmas, and the past three Christmases that i've had as a member of the work force. despite the occasional bumps-on-the-road of the past year, God has been very good to me and my family. yet another year of us all being intact, healthy, and happy.

i'm blessed. hmmm. maybe that's a reason to stay home for today. and brave the barrage of "mamamasko po"'s. maybe, just maybe, one way to thank God for the little everyday gifts of the past three years is to share it with others (haha! cliche na to ha). kahit depleted na ang savings account (God will provide!). kahit hindi ko mamukhaan ang batang humihingi ng aginaldo sa harap ko. amazing. honestly, i've only thought of that enlightening little thought as i was writing this entry (finally...light!). so the demons finally went away, eh.

God will provide. I have faith in that. so bring it on, mga inaanaks, mga kumares/kumpares. God will provide for all of us this Christmas!

well. first visitor for the day: my unemployed uncle with his forlorn little girl. she's not my inaanak, and i remember her well, but what the heck. maybe what small amount i can give would kick off their aginaldo-seeking day to a good start.

somekinda lost after the series of goodbyes (on christmas eve!)

two hours to go before christmas, and i have loads of work to do.

transcription for the last project, which the holiday tasks have hindered me from starting.

review of a script of a short film that we're shooting in two weeks.

production calendar for another film (o di ba, feeling superman/superwoman/supergay ang mga utaw sa grupo namin, di pa nga nagsisimula ang isa may pangalawa na. hay god help us.)

and on top of that, the pressure i'm feeling over having to finish a bulk of my (individual) preproduction work for the personal project within the month of january.

yeah, i know, i'm rambling again.

just some thirty minutes ago i got into a really bad mood swing because there were no available Autolad Max supplies anywhere near our neighborhood. ano ba, low EQ ha!

buti na lang there was the nearby 7-eleven and its helpful personnel to the rescue.

hay. dalawang oras na lang, pasko na. what makes this christmas different from the past 24 christmases of my life? nothing, except for the addition of new contact numbers to send "Merry Christmas" text messages to. and the new experiences of the past year, which i can't say i had in the previous years.

two weeks of preprod. can i pull this off? can i actually make a good short film with just two weeks' preparation? only the future will be able to answer that. and i have to make sure--by god, i MUST!--that the answer will be in the affirmative.

all these thoughts on Christmas Eve. haha, bah humbug.

i'm kinda missing the last batch of co-workers. when i said we were an "ideal troupe", i wasn't exaggerating. everyone was just so dang...ideal. nice, down-to-earth, lovable people. professional workers. i love them.

what did our pinoy line producer say? he said that the odds of getting to have a shoot that was as smooth as the one we'd had were 1 in 30. i say that the odds of getting to work with a group like the one we'd had are 1 in 300.

sniff sniff. that's life. a series of hellos and goodbyes.

time to try having a merry christmas.

shopping note

shopping for christmas is a test of patience, stamina, and haggling savvy.

but i guess that's common knowledge already.

after how many christmases i've spent shopping for gifts, i can't seem to get used to it. the long queues. they're horrible. i hate them! i just want to think that the effort i put in trying to acquire these gifts makes them a bit more special for me. so kahit maliit na halaga, nadadagdagan ng value dahil pinaghirapan kong hanapin at bilhin.

haha, rationalizations. one of my favorite defense mechanisms.

merry christmas world!

five-day express (days four and five)

december 19. back to work on the last indie project.

had to submit some backlog paperwork at the office. met the tribe leader again. and the ex-missus. and everybody.

there was to be a "thank you" dinner sponsored by a supplier that night, and we all came. i was just glad enough to be around him. trying to hold a decent conversation with him. hearing him try to speak in the native language. seeing him laughing.

when he learned that The Puller was going to join us for dinner, i saw the whole demeanor change. it wasn't an evident change, but palpable for me, nonetheless. i knew he was dreading having The Puller there. maybe he was scared of a Wrap Party Scene part two.

well, nothing of the sort happened. the Ex Missus and The Puller were careful not to be physically blatant this time. personally, i was glad that i got to chat up Tribe Leader somehow. glad enough that i got to know from him that he was going to spend Christmas with his pinoy relatives in town.

pinoy, ikaw, pinoy...ipakita sa mundo...!

sigh. but time will come that he'll have to go back to where he grew up. and it's gonna be bye, bye mr. american pie.

the night ended early for all of us. at the end he started hugging, beso-ing, thanking everyone within reach. he does that at the end of each packup day and i'd always managed to stay away. i've always felt awkward about his besos and thank yous. i don't know why.

so this time around wasn't any different. when i sensed that he was coming near my direction i turned away, discreetly as i could. i just couldn't. awkward, torpe schoolgirl me. haha.

december 20.

the only free day that i had in days. i was online the entire day--after 48 hours of having been too busy to get online, the cyberaddict in me had felt deprived! i logged on feeling guilty because there were still so many things to do. transcriptions. translations. production calendars. etc.

i wish i'm in my element right now to get down to the dreary details of the last two days. but the last three entries had been so long, naubos na ang lakas ko. haha.

right now i just can't believe that it's christmas again. lights blinking all over the city again.

merry christmas, tribe leader. hope to see you again before you leave.

five-day express (day three)

December 18. Personal Project Day.

9 am. Straight from the house of Beatlebum, Waterfowl, and Michiko, I hopped on a cab bound for Eastwood Libis to meet with friends-cum-colleagues for a day-long ocular in Nasugbu, Batangas. I was in 12-hour clothes, still hung up from the events of the party the night before, feeling filthy. Great way to start another long day.

The ocular was for a personal project. The first for me and screenwriter Dennis Teodosio, the baby we're going to nurture and rear to full glorious completion. (oops, that sounded different...fyi, Dennis is gay. and not my type of gay! haha)

Full glorious completion. I hope, i pray. That everything will work in harmony with our dreams.

I burst through the door of our producer's condo puffing. life was tough without a cellphone on hand (left the temporary phone at home, been out of touch with the world for forty eight hours hence). on impulse i decided that i was going to buy my permanent phone that morning. plus a fresh shirt, too.

impulsive-compulsive beeyatch. got a shirt in one of eastwood's shops for a bargain price of P50--not bad at all! and i don't regret my purchase of a brand-new Nokia 1600. it fits the budget, serves the purpose. no camphone, no video, which suits me just fine. i'm not going to risk owning another pricey mobile again. i'm too burara for that.



anyway, the new phone is serving me well. it's pocketsize, sleek, with all the features that i need (alarm clock, big inbox memory, and the ringtones are music to the ears). i'm going to buy it a harness one of these days and hang it around my neck. you and me, baby, together til kingdom come. a promise to be kept at all costs!

life on the express lane. was it only twenty four hours ago when i was riding a trolley along the Sta. Mesa railway with a camera crew? on this day i found myself riding at the back of an open truck. breezing past rice fields and sugarcanes and rolling plains and miles and miles of greenery. hwow! from urban grit to the rural rustic in a span of twenty four hours. and with some partying in between!

that's the beautiful thing about this kind of life. you never know where it's going to take you next.

riding at the back of that truck, i couldn't resist the moment--stood up and held my arms up, surrendering myself to the wind, and howled.

WOOHOOOO!
haha. like some teener in an American road movie.

the adventuring staff:
JP, line producer. soon-to-be chef extraordinaire at the shoot. he vows to entertain everyone on the set in whatever way he can.
Tita Emily, executive producer. mommy figure. the best that's ever come round this side of the indie circle.
Dennis, writer. my co-parent, co-creator, mind-to-merge with. gets excited with every aratilis tree we come across. always.
Sheryll, production manager. new recruit. one of my best friends. she rolled up her sleeves and got to work as soon as she came in. i love working with friends!
Me, nature-trekker/production muse. just taggin along.





in a nutshell, we found what we were looking for.

we stopped by the side of the rode and found a perfectly aligned grove of mango trees perched on a long, elevated patch of earth.

A young boy will fall from one of those trees and hurt himself. But his lolo--a hilot--will heal him of the pain.

Right across the mango groves stood a craggy hill that looked dramatic in the sunset. A visual find, doesn't exactly fit in the script but something that might be put to use as setting for one of the scenes.

It would have been ideal if, in place of that unused Meralco electric post perched on top, was a lone tree.

The discovery of the day: a wide meadow of rolling plains, perching rocks, and lush green trees in Barangay Catandaan. Now THIS is what we had in mind. THIS is going to be the paradise of our child characters. THIS place is going to witness a summer in the life of our young boy Toto.

The digicam doesn't do this place justice. Hopefully, our videocamera will, when the time comes. I can't wait...!

The road towards the birth of a beautiful film. Here's hoping.

We hiked down a foot trail and came upon a shallow river running through a wide open clearing. The river's waters were clear and the entire clearing was surrounded by trees and mountains on most sides. This will fit in on the script too, eventually. it's too beautiful a place to pass up. It will fit in the script AND the story. With justifiable purpose.

the river runs through me. and within me. and out of me. flowing, like a beautiful story aching to be told.

we've seen these things, as well...

the rice fields turn gold in the summer. we'll be waiting.
sugarcanes in the countryside. kids will be running through those rows, chasing each other.
lonely rice stalks at sunset.
the young boy will watch this sunset as he sits by the hills. he can see the sun, but he cannot touch it. it frustrates him, so he eats an aratilis instead. :-)

We ended the day somewhat fulfilled. We got what we came for and it was time for the next phase--securing these locations. That will be worked on during the holidays. For the moment it was time to go back to Manila and call it a day.

Man was I exhausted. Was asleep the entire trip back.

This day was a breather. I love working on this personal project. But there still were things to accomplish for the indie film that had just wrapped up, and tomorrow was going to be another day.

Goodbyes actually mean "see you later".

And "later", I realized, was going to be tomorrow.

five-day express (day two)

december 17. B-roll day.

All in a Day's Work

Principal photography for the indie film was formally finished, but this day was reserved for shooting additional visuals. all morning we shot visuals of the sta. mesa railway area. skeleton crew that we were, somehow i was glad that i was there. bein around him and all, i was glad enough somehow.

in the morning, after a pleasant-enough exchange of greetings, he asked, were you lasing last night?

i'm sorry...? i asked. duh. how bingi of me. it was wrecking the happy momentum of the conversation.

hangover, did you get a hangover last night? he rephrased patiently.

oh, i chuckled. no, i didn't get drunk. did you?

nah. i had four bottles of san mig light and lots of water. i don't have fun when i get drunk.

i have more fun when i'm drunk. i sheepishly confessed. i loosen up. (if that's the case then gawd i wish i had been drunk all day. the stick in my ass was doin a good job at stiffening me up.)

ok, i didn't have a voice recorder at the time of the conversation. remarkably my memory serves me well when it comes to conversations with him. or, well, maybe it was the script continuity training. who knows. haha.

all morning i tiptoed around my dealings with him. awkward, awkward me. couldn't treat him like a normal person. god knows i wanted to. to be normal, for once. but it was just...such a task.

anyway. it doesn't really matter. this whole fascination is just going to be one of those passing things.

one moment we were all waiting for the rain to stop at a sidewalk by the railways. doing nothing. i was seated there and he stood next to me. doing nothing, but watching the people passing by. a braver girl would've tried to make a conversation. so many things to talk about under the shining (albeit invisible) sun. but cat got my tongue. chatting up the crewmen was so easy but when it comes to him i couldn't even think of something to say. frustrating. finally he moved away and walked towards the nearest suking tindahan. sheesh, there goes my wildest dream. haha, dang it.

can i buy tubig? he asked the tindera. haha. i crack up everytime he does that.

and so it goes, torpe girl. i can be a lively talker most of the time, but somehow i find that i can do a good job at playing a bore. a talent that i'd rather do away with, really. hay!

the rest of the day was just...dreary. i couldn't wait for the work to be over with. i realized how non-normal everything about me actually was, and pushed away all thoughts of fulfilling even a scrap of that wildest dream. fairy tales come true only to those meant for it. i wasn't born to be a "love princess" (as how we call 'em during my qpids days). this schoolgirl thingie i'm nurturing won't do me any good. now or in the future.

at 7:30 pm i found myself hitching a ride to philcoa, glum and frustrated. i've since learned that the next best thing to winning the heart of the one you want is winning his friendship at least. i had 24 days to accomplish that, and i had failed miserably. sayang. i had all the time and proximity i needed. but the project was ending with him being no less a stranger to me than he was the first time we met.

oh well. i'm screwed up. just have to live with it.


The Birthday Party

Despite the dreariness of the day, tried to psyche myself up for a night of schmoozing with friends at the birthday party of friend beatlebum. i wasn't in the best disposition to party, but i survived the night, somehow. snoring at 4 am on the couch, but falling asleep smiling.

there was videoke, a fiesta-full of party food (including a happy shining roasted lechon as the dinner-table centerpiece), drinks, boardgames, cardgames, new people to know, even some, ehem, organic stuff from one of the guests later on in the night. in the early part of the evening i had found myself a bit disoriented. for the first time in 24 days, i was partying with people other than the latest group of co-workers. i'd missed this group, but i found myself missing my co-workers, too. torn moment between gladness and sadness. every crowd is different, every crowd you get to love for different reasons. so i had to momentarily adjust my mode from that crowd to this. it took seconds.

grabbed my turn on the microphone and belted out "Who Will Save Your Soul" with as much bravura as i could muster. i remember our videoke sprees way back when, during my qpids days. ah, ted the videoke king! haha. missed that.

went outside to smoke menthols with waterfowl. we took turns telling each other just how depressing our current states were. haha! rose and our 2-woman Depressed Anonymous support group! missed that.


photo grabbed from beatlebum

Everyone was calling out to michiko to come down from her room and join us for beatlebum's momentous candle-blowing event. silence from upstairs. beatlebum candidly told everyone, "Pagpasensyahan nyo na si mitch, anti-social talaga yan e." Weehee! (twist to come later...) And i had thought i was shy. i feel like a social butterfly each time i'm around michiko. in a way, i MISSED THAT!

twenty minutes later, michiko came in through the front door, carrying a big birthday cake. beatlebum was aghast. "akala namin nasa taas ka?!"

"hindi, bumili ako ng cake mo at candles." awww, haha! you could imagine the flush of quirky guilt on the birthday boy's face at that time. ;-) everyone had a gas over that little faux pas.

i've always loved the boardgame TABOO for a number of reasons: 1) reminds me of the company we kept the first time i played the game, 2) i thoroughly enjoy playing, and 3) i thoroughly enjoy winning. heheh! and so we played TABOO all night. in between photo ops, munchies, yosis, and chikahan.

i fell asleep even before the party ended. it was a tiring day, after all.

woke up at 8:30 in the morning (in the same couch i'd fallen asleep in!) to a phone call from friend Dennis. Ocular for our personal project will push through today. Can you be here in an hour?

I was like, Hwaat?! I haven't even gone home. You want me to go straight to a day-long trip outtatown? You're kidding! Hehe. Just-woken-up moments are not exactly my most gracious moments.

Found friend monj already awake, too. I was supposed to be in a hurry but i took the time with monj to pick scraps off the party leftovers and sip on some 3-in-1 coffee. Life's been pushing me on the express lane these days but i needed to steal a still moment every once in a while. and so, over (some semblance of) breakfast, i spilled my beans to monj about the current frustrations of this non-normal fly-on-the-wall's so-called existence.

haha. monjam, the reluctant confidante! i MISSED THAT, TOO!

sigh. a loong day. if there's one kernel of wisdom that i'd picked up from project wrap-up times of the past three years, it would have to be that endings do not come at the moment that you expect them to. and most of the time, "goodbyes" can only mean "see you later".

it's a small world, after all.

i was to figure out soon that this latest ending would turn out to be a long series of goodbyes.

walang katapusang paalaman. so very pinoy.

five-day express (day one)

I’ve been on the express lane for the past five days. Exhaustingly mobile. Deprived of the simple joys of stopping to take a breath, kick a pebble, mull over the goings-on in this odd little life.

Each day was something to write about. Ups and downs, highs and lows, highlights, lowdowns, adventures, plateaus.

Let me start with Day One.

Early Morning Calltimes, Early Packups

December 16. Our last day of shoot for the indie film. Arrived at the location--a church in Quezon City--at 4 in the morning. The stars were still shining down, the place was bursting with churchgoers, the air carrying the voices of choir singers. I was happy that I was lucky enough to catch the tailend of the First Morning of Simbang Gabi--sigh, been a looong time since I actually been to one of those.

The last shooting day was like how everything had been in the past 23 days. I was in lighter spirits, kidding around with everybody in between takes. I knew that even if I wouldn’t miss them to tears I was still going to miss them. We were such an ideal troupe. Everyone was down-to-earth, congenial, real. We loved each other. I think. Haha.

We packed up before sunset. There was to be a wrap-up party that night. Everyone--crew, staff, producers, cast--was invited.

At packup time the Leader of the Tribe made the effort to personally thank each and every one of us. I got a "thank you", a beso, a bottle of raspberry wine, and a warm-eyed smile. Of all these things he’d given me i treasure the smile the most. That kind of smile was a rarity, coming from him to me.

But the party was a different story altogether.

The Wrap Bash

The bash was fun. Definitely. Music turned up, food and drinks all around, and it was easy for me to switch modes from Working Girl to Party Girl, after a few songs on videoke and a bottle of San Mig Light. The Presidential Table Dwellers arrived last. Tribe Leader, escorting the (soon to be?)Ex-missus. The punk thrasher look was gone. The belo was gone. He looked pogi in a crisp shirt and moussed up hair. I still felt awkward around him like how I've always been in the past 23 days--couldn't talk to him, couldn't even smile. Only when I'd have someone else with me talking with him would I be able to get past my katorpehan. Argh. How high school, bluey. Ilang taon ka na nga uli?

You look pogi in your outfit! AD2, who was with me, enthused to him.

Yeah, pogi, I seconded, trying to be light. To my credit, the comment sounded casual enough. No one could've guessed the internal hurdles I had to get past through just to get the words out of my mouth. Haha.

He smiled at us, humoring the compliment. But the smile wasn't really meant for me. I was just a fly on the wall. A silent hovering pest, at worst. Ooh, ouch.


The Movie Trailer

They showed a rough-cut trailer of our film. Watching the images (with Coldplay playing in the background for scoring), I was moved to near-tears. Nothing like witnessing the fruits of your labor. Seeing the scenes flash before everyone’s eyes, I could proudly say that I'd been there, behind the scenes, in each and every shot. And the memories that came with each and every shot that we had mounted made the whole experience priceless for me.

In the middle of the screening, our Production Designer (who’s worked with the likes of Mike de Leon and Ishmael Bernal), randomly asked me: Saffron, ilang taon ka na?

Twenty five po.

Anong masasabi mo sa Sta. Mesa (one of our major locations in the film)?

Beautiful, I enthused.

He seemed to think so too. The production design of the film was breathtaking, but most of it was built-in on the location. The railways, the shanties, the trolleys, the locals, the clotheslines, the stray dogs, the scattered garbage—-politically incorrect as it might sound, but Sta. Mesa personifies Third World beauty, in all its uniqueness.


The Puller and The Ex-Missus

Behind the scene that was the Party, something else was going on. The Puller had been waiting for Tribe Leader’s Ex-Missus to arrive. It's a story that doesn't belong to me, and to tell it would be something akin to spreading "chismis", so I won't go into (too much) detail. Suffice it to say that, amidst the flurry of hellos and thank yous, hugs and besos, the Puller and Ex-Missus pulled a stunt in front of everyone when they unabashedly fell into a kiss. With the Tribe Leader standing less than five feet away. People started whispering.

I turned to discreetly look at Tribe Leader. His face revealed nothing. A few minutes later, he quietly, inconspicuously strode out of the bar to smoke a cigarette outside. Through the glass doors I could see him. His face revealed nothing still, but I could tell that he was sad. Anyone in his situation would be.

It seemed that he got sadder and sadder as the night deepened. I was busy with my own partying but I wasn’t completely lost in it. But he looked like he was. Lost in his own heartbreak.

Awww. Makes me wanna sing that MYMP song again.

In the middle of the party the Ex-Missus and The Puller disappeared. I could sense Tribe Leader’s restlessness. I wanted to sit down and bond with him—-it would’ve been my wildest dream—-but he was clearly more preoccupied with heavier things.

Finally I found him sitting next to me by 1 in the morning as the acoustic band played a local love song onstage.

These songs are so sad, he said to me. It looked more like he was saying it to himself.

I smiled at him and nodded, sadly in agreement. He was within an arm's reach but he had never been so distant. Haha. The overused cliché. The story of my life. His thoughts were out there, in some unknown place where The Ex-Missus and The Puller were huddled together. His heart was elsewhere, screaming and flailing with the anger and pain that he couldn’t openly display to the world.

Life was unfair for this guy. He deserved more love and respect than he was probably getting.

Soon enough he got up and walked away. Through the glass doors, I watched him leave the bar and take a walk into the night. There goes my wildest dream. Haha. He was probably going to look for her. Kick a few pebbles and mull over the goings-on in his life.

Right at that moment, I wanted so badly to make him feel better.

But I didn't know how. And I gravely doubted if I’d be the person who could.

Just a fly on the wall. A hovering pest, at worst. Haha-ouch.

I kept watch on the glass doors all night, waiting for him to reappear. A sad note to end the night with.

taxing day

it's 10 pm. it's been a long day. i'm so tired.

emotionally taxing, as well. it makes no sense why. it shouldn't be, if i weren't so uptight, paranoid, and neurotic about certain things. one thing i do know is that i'm not imagining things this time. oh, and another thing: when it comes to riding on with the big bad world of green jokes, sex stories, and even more "worldly" topics, i really am just a sheltered little girl.

conservative pa pala ako, sa lagay na to?

when you're a girl working in a team of mostly hetero street-smart guys, you will, more often than not, hear a lot of things that might qualify as "sexist" or "demeaning" to the female gender. they don't mean any offense, of course. it's one of the few topics that gives them a really good laugh. but in my case, really, it will take a little getting used to. the green jokes. the innuendos. the leers and ogles. man. if i weren't so into my work, if i didn't like the people i was working with, i would've gone berserk. having to tolerate my biggest neurotic pet peeves nearly every single day.

i may have gotten used to it a bit after four weeks, but today was really a big hurdle. i felt like someone had figuratively pushed me against the wall. a normal girl wouldn't have taken it in the gut like how i did, she wouldn't have overreacted, but it's a sensitive thing for me. i don't like the feeling of being "pursued", even if it was meant to be a (persistent, long-running) joke. i don't like the innuendos, the "pasaring" comments, the open display of flirting-for-the-fun-of-it, the attention and what unknown motives there are. it's especially annoying because i know that the person has somehow, as a sport, undertaken the task of turning (seemingly frigid, turgid, suplada-ish) me into some kind of conquest.

he doesn't know me. i'm firewalled around all corners. that i told him that much. all that he said was, "talaga ha. tingnan natin." the nerve, eh. everything was cloaked under the guise of lighthearted joking-around so i didn't want to take offense. but if by any chance this person seriously thinks that he could actually get past the firewalls, he's got another thing going. if someone would be able to get past the firewalls, no offense, but it wouldn't be the likes of him.

anyway. this will blow over. tomorrow's our last day, after all. for all i know i'm just overreacting to things. a joke's a joke's a joke. nothing more, nothing less. nothing to get so alarmed about at all.

the gift of words (or just how tanga can i get)

how do you spell T-A-N-G-A in capital letters? oops, i think i just did.

and i think that's what i am, for being too happy about something that came up just about 20 minutes ago.

after everything, despite everything, the hopelessness and futility of it all, the constant heartbreaks, i can't believe that one little friendster triviality from him to me could still make me smile.

paksyet talaga. i'm disappointed with myself.

but i'm smiling right now. oh, that is just so like him. the acerbic wit. how he sees me, how we met, how we got along during that brief stint in kiligtopia were all capsulized in one glowing paragraph. it was pathetic. to laugh out loud at 6 in the morning. not all of what he had said may necessarily be accurate (i'm not as "shallow" as you might think, buster. and you only got the top notch in class because i often submitted my reports late) but i still considered each and every word a gift. so now i'm compelled to consider the possibility that maybe, those months that i had spent in his company may not have been as futile and as empty as i had believed they were. kahit papano. we were strange bedfellows, but maybe somehow we had become friends.

Awwww.

hay, tangaaaa.

so much for closures. no wound can remain open for eternity, anyway. i'll get over it soon enough. so see ya around, partner. someday, one of these days.

Hay. ang tanga tanga ko talaga.

coffee-sipping thoughts

i realize that if i do have a daughter in this lifetime, i might name her "Summer". too American-sounding, i know, but it evokes beautiful images in my mind when i hear it. and to marry those images with that of the Feminine all the more makes it perfect.

i'm amused, though, thinking how the name might sound (SA-MER, with the crisp RRRR at the end), coming from Pinoy tongues.

gloomy cloudy comfy day. it's two days to go before packup time. i have some time in my hands (for another moneymaking "racket", maybe?) before i embark on a very special personal project.

and in the middle of that, the holidays. hay. equates to spending. not that i'm a spendthrift (ha! far from it), but i've since realized that i do want to keep my savings account stable for as long as i can. after all, an important reason why you work is to earn money. not the most important reason, but important nonetheless.

for the first time in my working life, i'm actually thinking of saving up. haha!

i browse back to old pictures and remember the Frog Princess. my, my that face. some tastes are acquired, but some have been there since the day you were born. despite everything else, i think that nasty little "heartbreaker" will still always be my prototype for the Ideal Guy. i get a heart-tug each time i see that face.

damn.

some people you want to hate so much but can't. frustrating lot in life.

i wonder if he's in some island paradise by now, flirting with the local boys. haha! (i don't think so, suplado yun e) i don't really care anymore, but one can't help but wonder every once in a while.

two days to go. numinoo-minoo. got dvds to watch, bought from a recent trek to quiapo:

- la petite lili (it was shown at the 2004 French Film Festival in Greenbelt. the interesting poster had intrigued me then, but somehow i managed to miss the screening)

- dogville (one of my favorite movies of all time)

- before sunset and before sunrise, back to back (it seems that everybody's seen these flicks except me!)

- the constant gardener (friend rose was recommending it when it had its metro manila runs a few months ago)

- history of violence (friend michiko was recommending this as well)

- the exorcism of emily rose (missed it on theaters! damn!)

- the stepford wives (ditto with this movie)

two days to go. the whole experience was just too fleeting for me to miss anybody from work. i know i'll be seeing some of them, working with some of them in future projects. even the foreigner co-workers, i might even encounter in the future. who knows? it's a small world. (hey direk! what are you doing here at sundance? heheh) so goodbyes are a bit too soon at this point. it's just the first project, after all.

i'll miss the director's amusing efforts at tagalog-speak, though.

naughty, ha. haha!

making eyes

twas only last night, on a trek to a nearby watering hole with workmates, that i actually saw a glimpse of what the real deal was between him and the ex. or at least, his feelings for the ex.

i could be wrong, but it doesn't matter anyway. just seeing the way he looked at her, even a drunk could tell this man only had eyes for one woman.

and seeing the way his eyes looked when he looked at me, i could tell that he'd probably known about my little torch for quite some time.

dang. it's my eyes. they just couldn't friggin lie. they always give me away.

so many stories goin on in our table last night. some even juicier, but i could only tell mine. which is something you've probably heard lotsa times before, so i'm not going to bore you to tears.



it's Day 21 of 25 days. can't wait for the Wrap Party.

a day of distractions

i wasn't in my element yesterday. work-wise. dang. we shot in quiapo and we only finished two scenes. it rained in the afternoon and, since the remaining scene to be shot was supposed to be done in the exteriors, the Whites decided to set it aside for the B-roll Day (the day after the Official Last Shooting Day, reserved for all remnant shots/scenes) and proclaimed it a wrap.

wasn't in my element because i could've done better. it bothered me, the little slip ups. the van that wasn't supposed to be there in the background. the stall that should've been there. the picture that should've been behind the Lead Girl's pocket. why didn't i notice these things? syempre wala namang masyadong nakapansin, ako lang ang nakakaalam sa mga booboo-lettes ko kahapon, but still it bothered me. there's no room for more than two mistakes if you're a good worker. buti na lang hindi nahalata ni direk.

it's another of those things, you know. the director doesn't seem to take the continuity of details all that seriously. often he'd dismiss it with an "It won't matter..." whenever I'd remind him (with editing in mind, of course) of a continuity detail from Master Shot to Tighter Shot or Reverse (sorry for being technical...hay, di ko maiwasan). I'd jokingly tell him silently, GANUN NAMAN PALA, E ANO PANG GINAGAWA KO DITO? hay angst. haha!

still, every day is a challenge for me to do my job better. and do beyond my own scope of duties. a lot of complaints i've been hearing about our assistant director and I, as a subordinate somehow, feel that I ought to try to make up for his shortcomings. pero pano? wouldn't want to step on anyone's toes. baka ako maka-offend. oh well, i guess i should just try to do as much as i can and be sensitive about other people's feelings as well.

actually mas gusto kong maging assistant director. mas masaya atang trabaho yon, kesa mag-memorize or mag-followup kung bihis na ang artista/nandyan na ba ang lahat ng props/mag-relay sa clapper kung ano ang number ng shot. haha! someday i know i ought to try it in the mainstream. i've done it partially in "nasaan ka man" (the claudine-echo-diet movie of last year). but that's a special case, i had the director's trust from concept-phase (which was why i ended up being his mouthpiece-cum-writer on the set), but there's nothing like earning the position from the ranks up. officially. and then i wouldn't have to worry myself over whether the Lead Actor used his right or left hand in the Master Shot. Haha.

tomorrow is going to be Day 18 of 25 days. time flies, so they say. isang linggo na lang pala, packup na kami. it's a happy and (somewhat) sad thought at the same time.

haha. but work will always be on top of my list. by the end of this project, i should have convinced as many workmates as i could that i'm reliable enough to be a "contact"--so that when they have projects in the future, they'd remember me.

haha! cold-blooded tactical beeyatch. anything to get the work-ventures goin on and on and on, ayt?

i will go back to this one year from now

these days, i love...
...my favorite blue jeans, red sneakers, and minitee with the QPIDS logo
...wearing my hair up while at work (keber na kung mukhang loshang, mainit e)
...remembering everything
...directing talents (or "extras", as how the Westerner co-workers call them)and getting them to act right.
...early packups
...late calltimes
...hearing Current Crush try to talk in Tagalog
...seeing Current Crush without the, erm, belo (a shame to hide such nice hair)
...getting at least 5 hours of sleep
...multiple locations in one shooting day
...Wet Ones
...doing more than just my designated work
...oh, that face!
...having that face smile at me
...unsolicited treats and freebies at work
...days off
...a day's job done well
...extra joss for those long hours
...menthol yosis every now and then (arghh)
...coming home

the anecdote of the wet ones

an adventurous day today.

we shot scenes the entire morning inside a moving bus. one of those big tin-can, ordinary-fare types, sans the air conditioning.

it was hot and sticky inside when the bus wasn't moving. we were all breaking up a sweat by 10 am. while waiting for the camera to be set up, he picked up a pack of pink Wet Ones from the floor and turned to me. "Do you want to have some?" was what I heard.

"sure." i replied almost instantly. how coincidental, i thought--i had one of those packets of Wet Ones, too, and they were also of the pink variety. and now he was offering them to me. awww. could it be fate?

"no, i said if i could have some." he said. "i think these are yours." i looked down at the pocket of my belt bag and saw that my Wet Ones were, indeed, gone.

"oh. sure." i said, slightly embarrassed. embarrassed because i was somekinda bingi, not to mention presumptuous for assuming that he wanted to offer me anything more than this job (erm, which he didn't, on second thought). and also because i had seemed to eager to take the offer, despite the fact that I had all the while been thinking that I had my own pack with me. Argh.

hahaha. pano naman kasi napakaOA ng american twang mo, dude. sino ba namang pinoy ang hindi mabibingi every once in a while. as he proceeded to wipe the wet napkin all over his sweating neck n' nape i decided that i ought to forget the incident. even if it was one of those rare instances when he would talk to me about anything else outside of work.

kahit na tungkol sa Wet Ones lang. haha, pathetic.

after a not-so-long day

the challenge of doing what you're meant to do, it's always there. sharpening your memory. concentrating on what needs to be remembered. and why.

but somehow at some point you will be compelled to wonder if you're not doing enough. that maybe, you oughtta not be just standing by and remembering, offering some physical assistance whenever the person-in-charge-of-the-certain-task is not within immediate reach. wouldn't want to unwittingly insult anyone by doing their work (just as i wouldn't want them to do the same to me), but still, moments will come that you will be compelled to rethink. maybe i should be doing more.

maybe i would. if i could put in something extra on top of doing my designated job well, then why not. anything to get the scene shot as soon as possible, right.

right.

and then there's the...personal stuff. somehow when it comes to the occupants of the "presidential table" during meal breaks, i clam up. go on introvert mode. i'm open and chummy with the rest of the team, but i'm finding it hard to treat the foreigners in the same sociable way that i would treat my fellow pinoys. i'm just...ilang. not because they're foreigners but for some other reason that makes me somehow hate myself. just a little bit more, each day.

eccentric beeyatch.

and they probably sense it. especially the Leader of the Tribe. he'd be the first to sense because of all the members of that Tribe he's the one I work with in closest proximity.

i'm bothered by that. somewhat bothered by that. makes me almost wish that we could get this project done and over with. i enjoy it but somehow the black spot is getting bigger each day. i'm alienating myself to the person that i should be closely working with. a no-no. being professional doesn't necessarily mean you can't be congenial. i can mingle with all kinds of people under ordinary circumstances, but these are not exactly ordinary times. i've been colored with guilt. can't treat them as friends, because i'm afraid they would find out my little secret.

well, not that the "secret" is so totally true. not really. not anymore. i was just a vulnerable soul back then. the wakeup calls are always there everyday to shake me out of it.

another early, early day tomorrow. have to go to bed now. i wish i could just be as normal as possible whenever he's around.

learning to take the blame

thanks to a long taxing day yesterday, i wasn't able to go to work today.

i feel bad about it. like how i feel a little bit bad about a few other things.

lost my phone the other night at work. losing your saved contact numbers could make your life a little more difficult than normal. bahala na ang diyos sa culprit.

i dreamed last night. and they weren't good dreams. my laptop had a somekinduva short circuit on the set. it caused a lot of damage and delay to the production. my director was hostile and the producer wanted to fire me. the last few seconds of that dream i realized that i was only dreaming. and then, soon enough, i returned to the surface. alarm clock ringing, it was time to go to work, but my entire being felt like hot lead. i felt like i was burning up, from fever or drowsiness i couldn't tell, but every cell in my body was screaming GET US BACK TO BED, TAO LANG PO, WE'RE NOT GOING TO TOLERATE THE ABUSE THIS TIME.

and so i had to relent. and i feel really bad about it. maybe it's just a matter of time management on my part. maybe if i had learned to prioritize things then maybe i wouldn't have gotten these nasty colds-and-coughs. i should stop blaming everybody else for my own faults. like that phone. and my absence today. even the fact that my nose is congested and my lungs are aching from all this coughing. gets mo, bluey? claiming responsibility for your actions is what i'm saying.

i'm going to work still. after lunch, do a half-day. at least i'd have missed only half of what was shot today.

thanks to extra joss, a sleepless night, and a lot of other "rambling" agents

just came home from a night-long shoot. the third in what's bound to be four consecutive nights.

the past four days have been, somehow, dappled by bright spots. faint ones, most of them nothing to present any potentially bright possibilities (except for, well, personal growth) in the near future, pero bright pa rin. somewhat. i don't know. maybe these really are just vulnerable, "susceptible" times for me. haha.

random lessons from the past ten days:
1. that fifty page "homework" (aka Script Continuity Breakdown) has been serving me well. i should make it a point to do one for every project hereon. makes life a lot easier.
2. the key to getting the job done right: mentally note every possible key detail in a shot and imprint them in memory. short term will do, at least. then take notes.
3. oh, and yeah, think of editing in mind. that's The Big Reason why the concept of "continuity" exists. knowing where a shot will be placed in the context of the edited movie spells the difference between doing one's job right and needless nitpicking.

sigh. am i boring you now? i'm looking to learn more. but after this indie project, i do fervently hope that the next indie project that will come will see me directing it. then maybe, a year or two from now, magkikita na lang kami ni Current Crush sa Toronto/Sundance/New York. Haha. By then I'd be able to act and treat him normally, sans the stick-in-mah-ass demeanor. and who knows, baka nga by that time he'd be over the Ex and see me differently. ha! ha!! ha!!!

of course, as of now my Toronto/Sundance/New York-bound feature film still hasn't even seen the light of preproduction. and i'm still the stick-in-mah-ass stiffy whom Current Crush wouldn't even give a second glance (except, maybe, to ask if Main Actor had a bruise for the scene to be shot, or the duration of a take as per my timer). i'm just the girl-with-the-script on the set, the youngest chick around with the Tiger Look to ward off all unwelcome givers of untowardly pseudo-amorous attention. of course, the apple of his eye is still that blonde Caucasian woman with the upturned nose and Brit-Bitch hauteur. who, coincidentally, is already getting comfy--behind-the-scenes--with one of our Main Crewmen. haha. so early on in the day and i'm getting to be the beeyatch again. hmm, di kaya tama si Frog Princess?

hay hay hay, ganyan talaga ang walang tulog.

so enough about shoptalk. enough about the boring stuff. shallow, after all, sometimes even equates to an interesting read.

i'm a sucker for the unattainable. i don't even know why. ewan kung nagkakataon lang o talagang gusto ko lang na pinapahirapan ko ang sarili ko. hindi ko naman masabing i'm in it because i want to be "challenged"; i am, sadly, not a born flirt and that fact alone makes it difficult enough for me as is, dealing with matters-of-the-proverbial heart. i show the opposite of what i really feel. it's either that, or i'm completely transparent. and when the latter is the case, incidentally i unwittingly reveal myself to the disinterested person. haha. tragicomic.

like now. again. duh. why can't i handle these things with finesse. i feel like a bumbling pubescent each time. the longer i linger on his nicer traits, the more i realize that i am falling into my old ways again. Totally unattainable, honey--not because he's gay (haha, not this time, thank God) but because i don't think he'd go for the likes of me.

and those who would go for the likes of me are the ones i wouldn't go for. the irony is so cliche it's the stuff of teenybopper paperbacks. ano ba. ilang taon ka na ba?!

the longer i linger on his nicer traits--his silent, soft-spoken, genuinely pleasant nature; the comic way he sounds whenever he attempts to speak Tagalog; the amiable mold of the nearly androgynous face--the more i realize that i'm starting to sail into potentially dangerous waters. don't go there, honey. "Unattainable" flashing on red. you'll only feel bad when the inevitable Moment of Truth comes. like how you always do.

oh well. this will blow over. like how each and every case does. yes, life is that predictable. he's still in love with Miss Blonde Brit Bitch anyway. and my work will always come above and before everything else.

but the future scenario of our next encounter at Toronto/Sundance/New York still remains a delightful possibility.

haha!

jekyll-hide dialogue on a cranky night

3 am. i'm sitting on the railway tracks at the Sta. Mesa station, fighting off sleep and fatigue from the drastic change in the work schedule. the director is out of sight, huddled in some dark alley out there with the two kid actors. he's been motivating them for more than thirty minutes now--the longest he's ever done. ho-hum. right on front of me, by the by, the cinematographer and his team have been busy nitpicking on just about every shaft of light and shadowfall in this semi-noirish little nook that is the set. they've been at it for almost an hour now.

big yawn. what's with them? what's taking everything so long tonight?

before the radical transformation from Owl to Lark, i was a lot more comfy working at night. i used to be most alive between midnight and four pee-em. but now that I've come to be a Day Kind of Person i found myself getting a bit cranky last night. quietly cranky, but cranky still.

sigh.

and so i was split. like jekyll and hyde. and nobody even knew about it. haha.

Scenario 1: A couple of crewmen won't quit friggin making papampam.
Beeyatchy Me: T***a, I wish these crewmen would stop. Pag di to makuha sa tingin makakatikim talaga ang mga to ng salita e.
Rational Me: Umiral na naman ang OA na anti-sexist tendencies mo. Spare yourself of the ugly feelings. Ganyan lang talaga ang mga yan sa kahit sinong script con/production assistant/makeup artist na babae, but you know they're harmless naman.
Beeyatchy Me: (stubbornly) Basta. Nagtatrabaho ako, hindi ako nandito para lang barubalin ng mga sexist brutes na yan. (puts on tiger look)

Scenario 2: A setman has placed a prop in the wrong position.
Beeyatchy Me: Ano ba naman tong si (name of Setman), isasabit pa kami pareho sa continuity ng set. Dapat may teddy bear sa ibabaw ng bag e.
Rational Me: Kaya ka nga nandyan para bantayan yun e. And no one's perfect...most especially you.

Scenario 3: Director has forgotten to add an insert shot of an important detail in the scene.
Me: (to direk) Aren't you going to shoot an insert of the phonebook?
Direk: Oh...yeah! (to cinematographer) Wait, we have one more shot. (to me) Thank you.
Beeyatchy Me: (silently) Ano ba direk. Is this your first movie?
Rational Me: Again, kaya ka nga nandyan para magpaalala di ba. Is this your first movie?

Scenario 4: Current Crush's ex is hovering by the set.
Beeyatchy Me: I know it's totally irrational, but I don't like her.
Rational Me: You're right. It's totally irrational.
Beeyatchy Me: What did he see in her?!
Rational Me: Well let's see...1) she's got blonde hair, 2) she doesn't keep an out-of-touch/walled-in composure whenever he's around, 3) she treats him like a normal person, and 4) she knows how to make a guy feel special; i.e. flirt. she has everything you don't, poor loser.
Beeyatchy Me: Big deal. (surveys girl's seemingly hawk-like, Brit-Bitch stance) I still don't like her.
Rational Me: Oh, quit it. Get back to work.

back on the opposite side...but not quite

On the other hand, there's something else that's bothering me.

It shouldn't, but it does. Because, well, these are vulnerable, susceptible times.

For the record, though, I should only remind myself why I can't/musn't.

1. I love my work too much to compromise it. Can't risk distractions.
2. I highly doubt that it would do me more good than harm.
3. I take into heavy consideration the remarkable wisdom in Sandara Park's words: (altogether now...) "Walang Sabit!"
4. And, while this might sound like getting ahead of things (that will NEVER happen anyway), i know that my mom would never approve. Ever, if ever.

Go to get to work now. We're shooting all night. Taking in just about as much coffee and sleep as I can to prepare for another day.

the other side

Now I know how it feels to be on the "other side of the fence", so to speak.
And it appalls me. Rude, I know.
So maybe that was how he felt whenever I'd sing those mymp songs.
Now that I know, I realize that I cannot really blame him.

Week One (an ironically boring title)

We just wrapped Day 7 of our 4-week shoot for the new indie film project. Not a bad week--shoot normally starts at 7 am everyday and pack up at sundown. That and the fact that we're actually ahead of our projected schedule makes it somekinduva miracle in my eyes; I've been used to the gruelling, ngaragan schedules of local movie shoots.

But these past seven days were amazingly light. Knock on wood. It even cured me of my insomnia. Now I wake up at 3 in the morning and go to bed at 9. Wonderful, huh. Never thought I could ever turn into a lark again. Now I'm usually up even before the sun rises.

It's one of those blessings, and more. Knock on wood, and thank God. If I weren't so tired right now I might even be tempted to say I'm happy. Maybe I am, but it really is too early to judge the experience. Sana lang talaga things will remain the way they are, or even better. I will never tire of saying that.

After three movies (one and two "halves", actually--one full movie as script continuiy supervisor trainee and then flying solo for the latter part of two movies--it's only now that I'm getting to concentrate on the nature of my job. It's kinda technical for the non-film worker so I won't go into details of those (or maybe I will...later) but it should suffice for me to say that it's basically about concentration and memory. Well, probably too vague, but believe me, it really is all about that, and it's kinda funny that I would only come to understand its very essence AFTER the first three movies. Guess I was unwisely dispersing my energies on so many different roles in my past three projects (assistant director, crowd director, heck even crowd control!) Halleluiah, if there's one basic thing I've learned from the past seven days it's about mastering your main function first before dabbling in that of others. That's why you're there and that's what you're getting paid for.

So while I would've opted playing "director to the extras" or even shouting "quiet please" in my last three projects, now I leave those tasks to others who are getting paid for it. At least that's fair enough--for me, the others, and MY main function. Ah, how beautiful it is, knowing what you're meant to do. And how to do it.

We've been shooting the film in one of the most beautiful milieus I've seen--the Sta. Mesa Railway area. The place is so rich when it comes to local texture. So full of character, screams out Third World Poverty. If I weren't so tired I would've attempted to describe it as vividly as I had seen it. Maybe next time. I'm actually so tired right now I'd rather end this entry here, even if there's so much to tell.

So much to tell, and I've only been there for seven days. I pray that the next twenty days would see me telling only happy, wonderful things. I believe I will.

oops, i'm at it again

* after my 8-month hiatus from the movies, i'm back on the field. and it may not pay much but it feels right. knock on wood. 3 days down, 24 to go. i'm praying that everything will go just the way they are...or even better!

* after several weeks of self-administered therapy, i'm singing those stupid, inane, mushy-as-hell, makes-me-wanna-kick-myself mymp songs again. this time around though, i'll let it die a natural death. experience has taught me two things about myself when it comes to feelings: 1) forced suppressions never work, and 2) these things, no matter how intense, never really last. outtasight, outtamind!

* i don't know what's the matter with me, but the coincidence is uncanny: it seems that with every movie project, i find myself retreating to the, er, Classic Little White Lie. and now i'm at it again. First day pa lang, i somehow managed to fib in front of a bunch of first-time co-workers that i'm blissfully in a relationship with someone. hahaha! what is wrong with me? not that i'm embarrassed about being single (far from it...wouldn't have it any other way kung di rin lang sa taong gusto ko), just that i've found out that proclaiming yourself as "taken" is a somewhat effective way to discourage unwanted attention from certain members of the opposite sex. and this time around, i guess it did.

* in this case, anyway, i didn't volunteer the "information". someone assumed that the picture (of me and a male friend) on my camphone was that of me and The Boyfriend. "gaano na kayo katagal ng boyfriend mo?" The Assumptioner asked in front of about half a dozen leering crewmen (i'm no raving beauty pero ganun lang talaga ang mga manggagawang lalake sa industriya ng pelikula pagdating sa kahit sinong manggagawang babae. proven and tested). now this Assumptioner had "unusual" vibes going on with him from Preprod Meeting 1 onwards ("Assumptionista" na rin ako, fine, but i think we all do sense these things). i was a bit appalled. so when he made the assumption that the guy in the picture was my jowa, found the opportunity to make a polite oblique brushoff: "nine months." i answered him, tongue-in-cheek, not meeting the eyes of anyone in the premises. hahaha. what he didn't know, really, was that the guy in the camphone pic was not only NOT my boyfriend, but NOT into the likes of me as well--he's gay. my ever-convenient "front", when circumstances call for one. hahaha!

* now i feel guilty about it. not only because i lied, but because i, er, used my gay friend without his consent. oh well. i'm sure he'll understand. haha.

dredging out the beeyatchy thoughts

not that yesterday was a depressing day. not entirely.

the happy-hour videoke with college buddy redel was one bright spot, at least. wouldn't you know--all this time the dude had known how to sing. and in his best moments (i.e. rich tenor renditions of "back at one" and "i'll be"), he may just as well give bryan mcknight a run for his money. (all praises ako kasi he's probably gonna be reading this. hahaha!). his repertoire was just strangely depressing, though. reminds me of someone else's.

aha. so that was where the depressing day began.

the last of the good times before i head of for the next adventure. surprisingly, i find myself with a lot of unfinished work in my hands. stuff that i have to finish within the next 48 hours, before the new adventure (loventure? i HATE that word!) begins.

oh dear, the headache's coming back again.

wasn't feeling very well yesterday. physically. my head was throbbing mad (never thought too much videoke could actually give one a headache) and i'd had too little sleep. but the day had to go on til 11 pm. against my will. when the flesh is weak the spirit can give in as well. talking to people through the numbing haze of a
headache was almost surreal. like i was talking underwater. listening underwater. moving underwater.

pain does that to you, doesn't it.

on any ordinary evening, could've gathered just enough energy to be animated enough for the introductory meeting with new "associates" (there's that term again) last night. even with a headache. but something was bothering me all evening, something that wasn't supposed to bother me anymore, not at this point, i've had enough of that haven't i.

but it was there. a splinter in my brain. lurking beneath the folds. a smoldering, bothersome ember of a thought that brought back memories of long-ago shouldve-been-forgotten heartaches.

word gets out. from one's ears to another's. i learned from a friend about what someone has just said about me. not entirely bad, but the bad aspect was just bad enough to overshadow what positive aspects there were. so i took it in the gut. coming from others i wouldn't have take it personally. i wouldn't give a sh**t. but everything concerning that person is personal for me. ironic. because our relationship had never been close to authentically personal in the first place.

when i had learned of what he'd said yesterday i remembered what he had said several months ago. about his impressions of me. that i was the antithesis of the Feminine Sweet, that i was--what was the term?--bitchy. that's so unfair, i ranted to near-tears, just because a girl says her thoughts out loud doesn't make her bitchy, just as being vocal about one's quasi-feminist convictions doesn't make one a man-hater. people make haphazard impressions all the time, i've gotten used to it, but this particular one had hurt me bad.

because of all people, man. of all people who would think of me that way, it had to be you.

at that time i had retaliated silently, on my own, in an oblique, confused way. the next day i chucked the black outfit and dark eyeliner in favor of the Sweet Girl Look. for kicks, even if it felt fake. the day after that the black outfit and eyeliner was back. decided that it didn't matter anyway, if i had the aura of a jessica zafra or a wednesday-friggin-adams. there's no virtue in trying to tone down what strong vibes there are in my personality just to fit the ideals of someone who will never really see me. a crime in the (quasi)feminist's eye.

yesterday all those sentiments came back in a flood. like some dike was just broken. i sat there at the meeting with the new "associates", mentally absent, contemplating on that little ember of thought through the haze of my yosi smoke and a headache.
frustrating, to want to hate someone so much, and be such a failure at it.

it didn't matter anyway, i realized. in the context of the big picture, it's just a detail that won't change the the Truth of the Matter. k, so i HATE the sweet and patweetums. i HATE the male a-holes who ogle and whistle at girls on the streets. i'm not some sunny Marcia Brady. but that doesn't make me a bitch. so to hell with what you think, little miss frog princess.

anyway. not that he did me any wrong. people can break hearts even if they didn't mean to.

what was i thinking, anyway, still thinking about you.

up with the sun

went to bed round midnight last night and woke up this morning at 7.

a miracle.

depression lang naman pala ang cure sa insomnia ko e. heehaw!

how's this for my 24 hours

Yesterday was a long day. And it began at 4 pm.

Kakatawa, no. Nagising kasi ako ng 1 pm. Umatake na naman ang insomnia ko at dilat ako hanggang alas-singko ng umaga. And to think na pinapagdasal ko nang gabing yon na naghihilik na ko by 1 am.

Kaya eto. Isang buong araw sa buhay ni kaladkaring saffron blue. Life's a lot less drab when you go on those spur-of-the-moment sprees every once in a while.

4pm. Libis.
I had hastily put myself together—heavy lids, headache, eyebags and all—and gone to a meeting with jp, a new “associate” (ha, that word sounds dang stiff). After two cups of coffee and a few bites of chocolate decadent, I kinda realized that the real meeting had yet to happen much, much later. owkay. bummer. get me back to my bed, please.

We killed time with chika, chocolate, and coffee while our producer met with some spiffy entrepreneurs at the next table. the place—a country club in one of qc’s poshest subdivisions—was a bit too luxurious for my normal world. the lounge was at the poolside, and the smell of pool chlorine in the air was something that my olfactories had missed in quite a while. that—and the two cups o' coffee--started to wake me up. when we left the place at sunset, I was ready to start my day.

7pm. Pag-asa.
The master plan was for the meeting to be held in Eastwood at 7pm. By 7pm, I found myself in someone else’s house, meeting someone else’s family, in the company of my new "associates" and kitchie nadal’s mom. Aha! so that was one of the reasons why I had risen out of bed this morning--er, afternoon. Kitchie Nadal is a favorite. And the family in that house seemed as awestruck as I was by the idea of meeting the woman who had brought pinoy pop-ternative’s current princess into this world. after much delays and fawnings, we managed to escape at 730, and while you’d think the next destination would be eastwood (finally!), kelangan pa palang dumaan ng abscbn.

8pm. Abscbn.
It turned out that jp had to pick up some posters for the film, ang pagdadalaga ni maximo oliveros (showing on november 30, watch it watch it!) to have them prominently displayed in all branches of his family-owned resto. North-bound edsa traffic was horrible at 8 pm. the barrage of text messages from our eastwood "associates" ("waiting since 7pm, where the hell are you guys??") just about trebled the pressure.

After a not-so-pleasant brush-in with ABS guards who wouldn’t let us into the building (forgot my id and the guards made such a big fuss about it), we finally got the posters. Jp and I ran off to the nearest branch of his resto along Mother Ignacia—a favorite dining spot during my qpids days—and that was when the rest of the evening started to blur.

I saw someone i know having dinner with his friends. The worst person to see at the worst friggin point in this life, but I wasn’t entirely surprised. i had almost felt that he'd be there.

Old habits die hard, after all.

Me: oy. Musta?
Him: oy. (seeing that I was alone. Jp was nowhere to be seen) may binibisita ka dito?
Me: (looking around for jp, flustered) may kasama ko e. (finally saw jp) _________ si jp, friend ni beatlebum (a common friend of ours).
Jp: (laughing) is being beatle’s friend a good thing or a bad thing?
Him: nasan si beatle?
Me: ha? Ayon, magvi-videoke kami mamaya.
Him: mga what time?
Me: mga…1. (he frowns in disbelief) 12.
Him: (smiles) sama naman ako.
Me: (feigning casualness) sama ka. Text ka namin. (turns away, busy-busyhan)

That little chance encounter seemed to have sucked what little energy I had left for the rest of the evening. The lens radically went out of focus. everything that came and went around me—the eastwood meeting, the group dinner—all passed by me in a series of blurs. I hated it. the fact that something so in-passing in the time continuum of my current life could have such an undesirably big impact.

12mn. Makati.
Thank God it would only take another shining moment to bring me back in focus again. At midnight, I found myself in kitchie nadal’s house.

Producer wanted to take kitchie’s mom home before she would drop us off at DISH-ABSCBN, where jp and I were supposed to meet with beatlebum and another friend, monj, to see the spongecola concert. The house was in an apartment compound at the makati suburbs. Kitchie’s mom was a gracious woman; she even asked kitchie to come out (at that unholy hour!) just to say hi to us. Standing before us--wearing her pyjamas, hair carelessly pinned up, face unmade--kitchie was a lovely vision. She’s petite and slender in person, those doe eyes and delicate mestiza features contrasting with the sugar-angst rock chick image. I was momentarily starstruck. While the mom introduced her to each of us, I thought of things to say.


HI, I’M A BIG FAN.

Argh, kitschy.

HI, I LOVE SINGING YOUR SONGS ON VIDEOKE.

Jologs.

HI, I WANT TO DIRECT YOUR NEXT MUSIC VIDEO. PWEDE BA? PLEASE?

Hard sell.

Instead I just stood there gawking at her. She was so cool. If I were lesbian maybe I would’ve fallen in love with her right there and then!

It seemed that kitchie was having a “counselling session” with her Victory Church friends in her room, so she was more than eager to finish the round of “hi’s”. the mom invited us up to the “piano sala” upstairs and played a few love songs. And one of them was kitchie’s “same ground”. Haha! The nerve of me, but i found myself singing to the accompaniment of kitchie’s mom’s piano. couldn’t help it; she did nothing to stop me, anyway.

1 am. Dish-abscbn.
Frantic “where are you” text messages from our friends at DISH finally got us back on the way. EDSA was an expressway at midnight; by 1 am we were at DISH. The crowd—if there had ever been--had cleared and we found beatlebum glumly sitting outside DISH, waiting for lead vocalist Yael (his, erm, sponge idol) to come out of the front entrance. Soon monj joined us, fresh from the men’s room and reeking of vodka (haha, lasenggong monj), and while it was a bit late, videoke was still in the itinerary, no matter what.

After all, wasn’t someone else going to join in as well?

Right in the middle of our second videoke song I got the txt reply. He’d gone home. He was tired. We go have fun. Smiley.

Owkay. It’s just as well. it would’ve taken me days to recover my sanity if he had actually joined in.

Tanga, monj said. Haha. Ang tanga-tanga ko nga. Last night’s videoke was fun, actually. The boys were having fun with each other and I was having fun with the microphone. Oops, that sounds different, putting it that way. Hehe.

I got drunk. Sang screamers. You Oughtta Know. Since You’ve Been Gone. Complicated. Total Eclipse of the Heart. Even the songs that I’d stayed away from, while on so-called therapy. Tell Me Where it Hurts. Especially for You. Haha. One night only. And then we’ll deal with it in the morning.

Normal reaction, the shrink in me says. It was the first time you’ve seen him in, what, a month. The cleancut look was back, the haircut looked nice, you couldn’t reconcile the “hello” smile from the ym-snubbing of two nights ago, but you can’t let a brief back-to-the-old-ways lapse in behavior keep you from getting back in line. Sure, he was every bit as beautiful as you’ve remembered him to be, but the the wall was still there, bluey, and even if it weren’t, nothing about this case could ever change anyway.

Nothing. So stop making it the story of your life.

3 am. Teacher’s village.
We trooped to beatlebum’s apartment after videoke. The boys wanted to watch a coupla downloaded porn films (for harmless kicks, I’m sure. They’re virtual innocents, I’m sure) but even in my drunken state I couldn’t stomach the lurid images. Vomit. So porn was out, another beer was in, more chitchats til everyone just kinda fell asleep on their seats while talking. And to think that I’d thought I knew all there was to know about getting soused, I was in a for a weird occurrence: for the first time in my drunken history, I couldn’t remember much of what I’d said.

Haha. Babbles, most probably. The sorting-out-my-thoughts-aloud kind. Like what I write in this asinine little online diary.

4am. Philcoa.
Another first in a long time: I was barfing drunk. I could actually feel the beer churning inside my head. Alog, alog. A most fascinating, throbbing feeling. I ended up barfing on someone else’s lawn, on the way home. Monj was holding me up while jp was like, euuuw, don’t get any on my shoes. Hahaha! Talk about tumatanda nang paurong. I never did any of these in high school OR college.

5 am. Home.
Retired to bed and kissed the world goodnight just as the sun was rising up. Sigh. I should really change my “fly-by-night”, semi-vampiric ways and join the larks. Because when the shoots start, I’d be forced to wake up at 4 am every single day for 31 days. And I’d want to be in the best working condition possible.

a day in the life

tuesday.
woke up at 10 am this morning. strangely early, considering the early-morning bedtime i had taken on some five hours earlier. aha, i did turn the alarm on, so that was why.

i dreamed of sumptuous sinigang na baboy with loads of fat and flavor simmering in the soup. fine memory to start the day with.

went to the current workplace--that faraway, outta-the-way hole-in-the-wall called Project 6 (hehe) for a scene-per-scene meeting for the movie at 1 pm. after 6 hours--and somewhat exhausting discussions on nearly every bloody detail--we were just about done. sigh. i love my pinoy workmates. getting to mingle with a bunch of americans further reinforces to me the congenial down-to-earth nature of us pinoys. not that our yankee superiors were being a-holes but somehow the air of "superiority" couldn't help but peek out. i'm not around the office much to be able to prove that, but that's what my pinoy work superiors say, at least. given my limited exposure to the americans, i must say that's not so incredible a postulation. i guess first-world condescension towards the third world will always be there.

i know, though, that i tend to fumble with my english when speaking to them. haha! my normal english is articulate enough but somehow i get a bit flustered when in front of them, who have the language as their native tongue. :-P

i hate that faraway office. i always am tempted to take a cab ride home, to dodge rush hour traffic and long hours on the road. i would always be drained.

and come home drained i did. at 9 pm. sigh. am going through the familiar after-sunset depression that would nearly engulf me sometimes. nothing that i want more right now than to be able to sleep early tonight. as in, before 1 am at the latest. i want to be up early tomorrow for another trek to the urban outdoors.

i'm kinda down. :-(

yes i'm taking it personally

Two nights ago I chanced upon someone on ym. Did my usual ym greeting.

Psst. Nu ng chika sa (chorva)?

In response, he signed off.

The last time I said hi on ym he ignored me. Now he signs off. What is his problem?

I was just saying hi! It’s not like I was going to engage him in an actual ym-versation if he ever did say “hi” back. If he were busy he could’ve sent a terse, it-ends-here reply, and I would’ve gotten the message. But no, he just had to sign off. Turn on the “invisible” mode, more likely.

Shouldn’t make a big deal out of this, but I really felt that was rude. Not once in the entire time that I was around him did I do anything to merit such cold treatment. Oh well. It’s just as well.

Thanks for the extra motivation, dude. Like I didn’t have more than enough. I really should evict you out for good.

convalescent

the resemblance was uncanny.

the lips. the smile. the characteristic slump in the shoulders. the shape of the head.

i was struck. stricken. for one mad moment it felt like the doors inside where opening, and all the hazardous, unneeded feelings were being let in. and it felt good, in a bad way. beautiful and painful and liberating and sad all at the same time.

then it was gone. i was back to my senses. made a comic crying face, took a breath, and forced my thoughts away from the matter.

forgetting is a process. i know it won't take overnight. not even three weeks. maybe next week i'll be much much better.

latent mourning period (or a lame attempt at not thinking about it)

Take a hint from the word itself: deadlines can kill you.

Especially the self-imposed ones. Mighty deadly, baby. Not to mention silly.

I'm glad that I'm done, though. My homework--a 25-page sequence breakdown of script continuity concerns for the indie feature film we'll be shooting next week--took me an entire night and a half (Ha-ha, surprise surprise). Not that it was difficult, and that's actually the problem--it was too easy to turn into some kind of gargantuan mission that requires my immediate undivided attention. i was tasked to make it around seven days ago. in between Day 1 and Day 7 I just, well, cruised along, numinu-minooing. Watching CSI. Attending parties. Setting aside the work for later. After all, it was easy, right?

Turns out that the "easy" work demanded hours of nitpicking from me. Literally. Obsessing over whether a blackeye would be purple or greenish by Day4. Nitpicking is boring, mehn. I hate it. Because sometimes I tend to do it without even being aware of it. Gwrrllrlll!

Okay lang. I've been through worse. And the deadline served its purpose--just enough pressure I need to get the work done sooner than photo-finish.

Despite the subtle (subtle ba?) whinings, I don't really mind. Anything for the Big Picture. The literal and the figurative Big Picture. So long as you're seeing your work in the context of the Big Picture, there will be no little (non-creative)(nitpicking)(ho-hum) tasks. I would've gladly picked nits off a monkey if that would help get the (literal) Big Picture done. And given the unpredictable nature of this job, that wouldn't be too far-fetched a thing to happen. Haha!

If it does happen, indeed, at least I'd have something to write about here. Haha. Love this job! The recreation of reality from paper to celluloid, the running and the chasing, the climbing of cliffs, the pursuit of goats, the filming of an elaborate scene in the middle of the sea, the wrapup parties, the ribbing of jesting crewmen, the gorgeous ultranice artistas, the big-screen premiere of a movie that you, as a little pinpoint in the production firmament, have somehow co-created. it doesn't matter how good or bad the end product is. the first-time bigscreen viewing experience has always made me beamin-proud. :-)

sigh. birthday ni uma. sayang si uma. badingerzi. nalungkot akong bigla. :-(

funny eh. my whole entry doesn't seem to have any connection with the entry title. well, except for the fourth to the last sentence. no, i don't dig uma. i've had it with those, erm, dark ages. someday i'm gonna resurrect out of this whole thing.

numinoo minoo-ing at the crack of dawn

halloween, all saints' day, they went by undocumented. gasp.

when i was religiously keeping a personal (offline) journal, i was driven by one personal principle: each day must be documented, to prove that i lived it. i'd had a for-my-eyes-only journal since i was 12--long before this wonder called computer came to my life. alas, that era is slowly coming to an end...thanks to this blog. well, i kinda guessed it might happen. i don't know about you but i just can't keep two journals at the same time. i knew time would come when one will be cancelled out by the other. and so, the emerging victor: this one with the audience. sigh. somehow it's a bit more cathartic, spilling my beans in front of an audience. faceless they might be.

going back to halloween, i just realized (after watching it again for the, hmm, 18th time) that Bram Stoker's Dracula (the one directed by Francis Ford Coppola)is my favorite horror movie of all time. gothic horror reinvented. and the film's a visual feast, from credit to credit.

so Dracula beats out scream 1 on my list. haha. i realized that seeing keanu getting sucked (oops) by vampiresses beats out seeing Rose McGowan getting severed by a garage door.

by the way, Dracula is also in my Top 10 list of corniest romance movies. and gary oldman's "i love you too much to condemn you!" is up there in the league of Jerry Maguire's "you complete me" and Jack Nicholson's "you make me wanna be a better man"-- one of the most irritatingly kilig lines in contemporary hollywood cinema ever.

i hate it!